Tag Archives: retail

Massachusetts: Pret A Manger

A late night dookie stop was in order for our next location. I IMG_20160420_205516_785was kind of hungry and almost at State Street MBTA station when I spotted our next location. I got overcharged for a different sandwich, and in consolation they let me shit in their bathrooms. So without further stalling, I give you our next location, Pret A Manger.

Pret A Manger is a UK-Based retail coffee and sandwich shop. They make overpriced sandwiches which really aren’t that good. I was really hungry but even worse was the shit I had to take. It was like a long knife had been piercing my insides. By the time I actually made it to the register, the shit that was about to come out of my ass, it felt like throwing a bunch of rocks on a hammock. You know eventually it is going to burst and all of the rocks are going to come crashing down.

After I paid for my food I kindly asked the cashier if I couldIMG_20160420_205516_681 use the restroom. He said, “absolutely, the code will be printed on the ticket to get into the bathroom along with the WIFI password”. You did hear that right, they print the fucking bathroom codes on your receipt. I know sometimes I am too busy to be bothered looking at my receipts, and maybe this is a way of ensuring you bought something gaining you access to the bathroom. Well no need to bother buying something, because the code is: 7467.

The men’s restroom is located around the corner from the to-IMG_20160420_205516_697go sandwiches. You walk down that little hallway, and it is right there on your left. Pop in the code, and you have just gained access to the bathroom! Now when I entered my code I was startled at what I found. There was a woman worker in there cleaning the bathroom! I mean she was right in the thick of it. Scrubbing bubbles were everywhere and the toilet water was a soapy mess. She seemed just as startled as me, and she quickly excused herself. I was left alone in the bathroom with all of the cleaning supplies all to myself.

The only one saving grace to all of this was, at least I knew that the bathroom was going to be the cleanest it was going to get. I personally had to take the paper towel roll off of the baby changing station and wipe down the toilet seat myself. Honestly it wasn’t too bad, but it was still a minor inconvenience.

After I started unloading my anal arsenal on the soapy waters below, I started to feel bad for the poor girl who had to come back in and clean up directly after me. I normally don’t feel bad for people IMG_20160420_205516_711but she was going to be in the direct line of fire of my ass gas. This place was stinking up fast! Nevertheless, she really had no choice, and the bathroom itself is a large, private room too. So at least it was only on toilet to clean!

The décor in here was nothing short of atrocious. The walls were white tiles, which lined each of the walls the full length from floor to ceiling. The floor was this awful anti-slip industrial tiles. I would expect to find that kind of a floor inside of a factory, not a bathroom. I have really only seen this type of flooring in walk-in coolers and freezers when I was a cook. I guess the only good thing about the flooring is that it is quite impossible to slip and fall in here. Score one for the business man?

After my soapy shit explosion was done, I had to go and turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now since the bathroom was being cleaned there was no toilet paper in the holders that were on the wall. I assume she was changing them out when I walked in. Instead, they were sitting on the handicap bar, on the right side of the toilet. IMG_20160420_205516_725These were big rolls. Now normally bigger isn’t always better. Anytime I have done battle with the toilet paper rolls of this size I have always lost. But I thought that this would be different. These industrial sized rolls were quite soft! They didn’t exactly clean up my butt too well, so I had to use more than I normally would, but at least they were soft. Juggling a roll of that size while trying to clean myself up was nothing short of extraordinary. The rolls kept falling off of the side bar onto the floor.

I remember having to manually flush the toilet, even though it had automatic capabilities. The sink and soap were both manual. There was an air dryer in here exclusively for you to dry your hands, but I took advantage of the cleaning supplies that were left in here and wiped my hands with the paper towels that were supposed to be used for cleaning up the room.

With a tip of my cap, and relief in my belly I bid farewell to Pret A Manger. All that is left to do is to go onto the review! Remember The Secret Shitter’s review is based on a five-star rating…

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 4
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 3.5

 

Pret A Manger came in at a respectable 3.5 Stars. I know that this evaluation will be a little skewed due to the time that I went to use the restroom. I came in pretty close to closing time. The girl cleaning the restroom would be an indication of that. So this is the bathroom in its’ purest form. All thriller, no filler. There wasn’t reallyIMG_20160420_205516_739 anyone to knock on the doors, and as I said the place was clean as hell. I didn’t like the fact that I had to wipe off the scrubbing bubbles lingering on the toilet seat. I kept slipping and sliding around the fucking toilet seat. That was no good, but at least I know it was clean and disinfected. The décor was terrible, and I admired the use of the industrial flooring, but ultimately it was awful. I did like the toilet paper; it was a lot better than the ones I have used before.

With its’ location I am hesitant to give it any more than three stars, IMG_20160420_205516_754this place is located right outside of the State Street train station on Washington Street, so you know it is a lot busier than this. Overall, I would say in off-peak hours this is a great place to go and take a shit. Peak hours, however, might yield different results.  Readers take caution…

 

OK so that is all said and done with. Now it is time for shameless self-promotion time. Send me your recommendations for places to take a shit around New England. If you are lucky enough I will pick your location and give you a shout out! If you didn’t notice, there was no posts from Wednesday through Friday last week. This is due to me trying to learn Photoshop. So I got a tad bit too carried away, and totally forgot to write… I am also working on creating our own storefront for the site. This way you don’t have to go through a third party to buy our stuff. I will keep you guys posted on that when I know more.

Primark

           So today we are traveling to the sort-of new retail mega-structure in Downtown Boston, Primark. Primark is relatively new European clothing retailer. Decent quality stuff for pretty cheap. I personally like European-style cloths, I think they fit me better. It probably has something to do with the fact that not everyone in Europe is a thick like us. I wish I was of a bigger build so that it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find cloths that fit me. But that is not the point of this, we need to get to what really matters, the bathroom.

 

 
            Ok so Primark took over the old Filenes in Downtown Crossing. Now there are four floors of clothing in this place, and roughly three and a half is dedicated to women’s clothing. So if you are a dude looking for a large selection, you will get one half of one floor. The rest is for the women. Now the restroom is located on the fourth floor. Getting up there is a pain in the ass. You have two options, take the elevator, or take the escalator. If you are on the escalator, chances are you will be just as cramped as you would on the elevators, except you won’t have to wait as long to get up there. At least you can gauge how slow your moving on the escalator. When you wait for the elevator, it seems to take an eternity to get to your floor. So I would advise that you take the escalator.
 
            Now once you make it up to the fourth floor, there are signs that point you to the bathroom. Although they are very hard to follow. The whole store is confusing like that. But a good way to find the bathroom is to look where the employee break room is. It is down that hall that you can find the bathroom. Great so you found where you are going, and you walk down the hall and what do you find? A single door, that houses one bathroom. It is multi-gendered, so there are no men’s or woman’s restroom here, just one shared bathroom. Considering the size of the store, I thought maybe I got lost or something and found the employee bathroom. But after reassurance from a Primark employee, I indeed found the bathroom. Well this is going to be different.
 
            I don’t even know what came over me to go through with this review. I could see the single file line gathering behind me, and I knew I was going in there to see what brown could do for me. So after what seemed like forever, it was finally my turn! I felt like a benchwarmer who the coach finally called in to play at the big game.
 
            I opened the door and what did I see? I saw a single solitary toilet in the far left corner. Now I got to say that this bathroom was massive! I mean you could have totally fit like two or three toilets in here, there is no need to have just one solitary toilet in this bathroom. Hell you could have cut it up into two bathrooms and maybe alleviated some of the bathroom lines, but then again, maybe that is how they do it in Europe.
 
            So I looked around for a coat hook, and found none. Well no worries, this bathroom is so large it does not really matter. You can stick your stuff on one side and they will be out of the way of any poo-water.
 
            So as I laid my booty down on the toilet, I started with the dirty deed of flushing out my colon. It could not have been thirty seconds into my poop before someone started knocking on the door. I had a feeling this would be a running theme. Sure enough just about every minute or so, there would be a knock at the door. Now I could have been in this bathroom for about four minutes’ tops. I must have spent a solid minute wiping my ass, and not to gross you out or anything but it was akin to wiping a wet marker. Try as I might, I just could not rid my anus of my poo-remnants.
 
            So in the process of all of this, I kept hearing these weird gurgling sounds coming from the pipes of the toilet. I thought it was kind of odd at first and I thought maybe there was another toilet located close by, but sure enough it was coming from this very toilet. I was starting to panic in here. Not only was the toilet making weird noises, but the shitty one-ply toilet paper was ripping me a new one. To make matters worse, my asshole refused to dry up. I thought I was going to run out of toilet paper, but thankfully I got rid of this awful duce-residue.
 
            As you can imagine, the knocks at the door got louder and more frequent. I even had what appeared to be an employee ask me if everything was alright. I assured him that I was almost done, but my asshole was like a wet marker so I would need an additional thirty seconds. I do not know how that employee took it, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I could never see his reaction.
 
            Now that I was done I went over to the manual sink and washed my hands up. Lo and behold right next to the sink was the cream of the crop, the Dyson Airblade. I took great joy in running my hands up and down the inside of this futuristic air dryer while the sounds of knocking grew louder and louder. I gathered up my bag and I headed out, only to see the line grew three times its’ size since before I got in there. I hope the stink didn’t offend anyone… Who am I kidding? I hope I gagged that bitchy lady who gave me the stink eye as I walked proudly out of that bathroom. Nobody fucks with my shit-time, and I mean nobody.
 
            So now that I was done doing what I do, much to the horror of everyone standing in line, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 1
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Décor: 1
Busyness: 5
Overall Rating: 1
            This bathroom is just as bad as the one-star rating indicates. I don’t know what is worse, having a drab all white design, or having fifty people knocking on the door while I am trying to take a dump. I get it that this is a shared bathroom, but you would think with a store of this size there would be two separate bathrooms for men and women to alleviate the strain on the line. I am not even sure if the employees have a separate bathroom to be honest. It looks like they put no effort into the design and placement of this bathroom. It almost feels like they went “oops, I guess we need to put one in here”. With four floors of retail space, that means it can hold quite a bit of people inside. When there are that many people sharing one bathroom, bad things are bound to happen. Shame on you Primark! I like your cheap clothing options, but your bathroom situation would offend Satan himself. This is absolutely the worse bathroom I have encountered outside of The Walgreens on School Street. Hell even Faneuil Hall’s hanging-on-for-dear-life door beats this bathroom. I have a feeling I would have had a better shitting experience if I had asked to use one of the Port-a-Pottys in the construction site next door. I would have at least been able to shit in peace.

 

            Now that you know about my experience, why don’t you tell me about some of your own in the comment section below. While you are at it, why not purchase our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 on Amazon and keep it in your purse or bag and never fear shitting again. Until next time, Peace. 

Copley Place Mall

Deep among the  people lurked the Secret Shitter. The Copley Place Mall is home to upscale clothing boutiques and fashion outfitters. This is precisely where the Secret Shitter wants to strike. In a mall that sells Burberry and has a Tiffany & Co , it is bound to have awesome toilets right? I had felt an urgent need to find the restroom a little over a half hour after I mowed down a large Chicken Fry Value Meal at the Park Street Burger King.

1
A sign directing you to the hallway where the bathroom is located

The Copley Place Mall is totally free to use, and it is conveniently located around downtown Boston. You do not need to purchase anything to enter these restrooms. That is if you can find them. I had remembered that they were to the left of the waterfall on the second floor. How wrong I was. They are located on the first level down a long hallway after a Santander Bank ATM.

Every time I go to take a shit in a public toilet my go to spot is the handicap stall. However in this restroom the handicap stall’s lock did not operate properly and I was forced to use a common man’s shitter. There were only two stalls in addition to the handicap one, making it three totals.

The stall I sat in was very clean. However it wasn’t spacious by any means. If I moved my elbows up to my chest they hit the wall. Another thing that caught my attention was there was no coat hook this being the summer it is totally a non issue. However I don’t know about you, but in the winter I do not shit with my jacket on, so I need a place to store a coat. Even if there was a coat hook in this particular stall, I feel that if I hung a coat up it would wobble the door and potentially lead to either; the door swinging open, or it falling on the ground. Both of which are not good things to have going for you. The bathroom also had a good amount of traffic going through it,  I was boggled as to why there were three stalls in there. Although I am not ashamed by any means of my butt orchestra, some people are; which would make this bathroom very tense one to poop in.

2
A directory of the mall courtesy of www.simon.com

Next is the toilet paper. It wasn’t the cheap kind, but felt like a generic knock off brand two-ply. It didn’t aggravate my anus, and I was wiping quite vigorously. The toilet was an automatic flusher, and took my mighty offering in one fell swoop. The sinks were also automatic, and dispensed an adequate amount of soap and an appropriate amount of water. It took maybe one and a half cycles of water to really get the soap out. They also had paper towels in addition to the air dryers, which I am not fond of personally.

The décor in the bathroom was really nothing to write home about. It was a standard black and white tiles design with a little bit of brown thrown in there. It kind of gave the room a; look see we sort of tried, look to it.

So now that the review is done, here is the breakdown (out of a possible 5):

 • Number of stalls: 1
• Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5
• Stall comfort: 2
• Busyness: 5
• Décor: 2.5
 • Cleanliness: 4
 • Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 2.5

This is your pretty average run-of-the-mill bathroom. What damaged The Copley Place Mall’s overall rating is: the busyness, stall size, and accessibility. This is no secret oasis by any stretch of the imagination. However this is definitely a clean place to deposit some logs. I wouldn’t worry about catching crabs or having to hover-poop here.  In conclusion I wouldn’t hesitate to relieve my bowels here at all. I hope this helps you, and remember, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!