Tag Archives: New England

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

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Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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Portland Maine: Casco Bay Ferry Terminal

I had lunch with an old friend of mine while I was in Portland, I IMG_20160323_153417_981was able to hang out and catch up with an old friend, and eat his amazing food! I won’t bore you with our catching up details, but I will say that the Reuben I had was absolutely amazing! I was also introduced to a non-alcoholic beer made by Guinness called Kaliber. It was a blonde beer, and it totally hit the spot and paired very well with my Reuben Sandwich. However, that isn’t the point of me writing this. While I was catching up with my friend, he gave me a little tip, and told me to go to the ferry terminal next door and take a crap in there.  He said I wouldn’t be disappointed. So without further delay, I present you the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal.

The Casco Bay Ferry Terminal has ferry’s which run from IMG_20160323_153417_913Portland Maine to Peaks Island. Peaks Island is the most populated island in the Casco Bay. It is technically apart of the city of Portland, and is only 3 miles from downtown Portland. The ferry runs 16 times a day, and it only costs $7.70 one-way, which make this an awesome side-quest during your trip to Portland.

When my friend told me about the Ferry Terminal shitter being good, I, had some reservations. Maybe living so close to Boston has made me jaded. When I think of a ferry terminal I think something that has the potential to be awful, because this is completely open to the public. I can’t tell you how many times that I have seen some foul shit in completely open-to-the-public bathrooms. But when I walked in here it was actually kind of clean for a ferry terminal! The terminal itself is super small so the bathrooms are clearly visible to everyone in the terminal.

There were three stalls that you could choose from in here. IMG_20160323_153417_884When I walked into my stall I was surprised by how roomy it was. It had a coat hook in there to hang my little bag in, which was nice because I like to bring gifts back for people when I go away. The great thing about this shitter was the toilet seat. It was one of those ergonomic ones, and I will say that they do take the strain off of your back while shittiing. It was something that I wasn’t expecting, and my friend was right.

I won’t say that I disliked the decor in here, I just found it kind IMG_20160323_153417_899of puzzling to be honest. As I stated before the decor was strange, the walls were untreated concrete, and the stall dividers were grey. The flooring was grey and a very light blue. You can look at the pictures and you can make that determination for yourself. Personally I didn’t like it, but maybe it is a Maine thing, who knows.

Another note about this bathroom is how busy it is. This ferry services piques island. Apparently it is very pretty over there, I didn’t get to make it over there this time, but I most likely will the next time I am in Portland. I will say that there were a lot of people coming and going, so much so, that I feared for my journalistic life. I thought for sure that I would be caught.

Just when you think this is getting all wrapped up, we have to save room for some tp talk. See the toilet paper in here was just IMG_20160323_153417_926awful. It was two ply, but it is like they stitched together two pieces of sandpaper to make one awful ultra-sandpaper. This tore up my asshole cuz. The toilet paper was even hard to prepare. It didn’t bunch up correctly, and it folded terribly. There really wasn’t anything I could do except try to use blunt force on my asshole. I had to use so much toilet paper to wipe up that it isn’t even worth trying to make light of the situation.

Well now that we know about the toilet and its’ surroundings, why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter Review? All of the ratings are based on five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

 

I am going to give this stall a solid three stars on our rating IMG_20160323_153417_940system. I did like the ergonomic toilet seat, and I also enjoyed the larger than usual stall. It wasn’t as dirty as I expected it to be either. The decor was odd, maybe one could call it a “headscratcher”.

However, it takes a lot for the decor to sink a rating. The decor is more of an expression and left to interpretations. If I find a bathroom visually appealing, then it helps, but it does take a lot for it to sink a rating.

What will sink a rating is the terrible toilet paper that makes this bathroom its’ natural habitat. There was nothing good or fun about it. My asshole just puckered up a little at the very thought of it. Not only will you have sub-par toilet paper, but you will also have to deal with a lot of people coming in and out of there. This isn’t a spot for you to sit and relax, this is a dump-and-ditch place. The reason why it gets so busy is because of how accessible it is.

So there you have it friends. I would highly recommend the Reuben sandwich from Ri Ra next door, and if you left the restaurant a little too early and need a place to lay a dookie to rest, then the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal is an OK place to poop. At least your back won’t be hurting as you listen to the pitter patter of people scampering in and out.

 

Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau

IMG_20160323_134230_33   Google Maps has thwarted me again! It took me all around the mulberry bush in Portland. Whenever I get to a new city I like to go and grab a physical map. After about an hour of wandering around trying to find the damn visitors center, I finally did find it. I welcome you to the Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This particular location of the Visitors Bureau was not the main one. It was a satellite location above some candy shop selling Salt Water Taffy on Commercial Street. It really was fucking hard to find. Then once you enter the building you came face to face with renovations, and the feeling like you shouldn’t be in there. But there is signs saying “Visitors Bureau 3rd Floor” inside, so technically I felt like I could wander around inside of the old brick building. I made my way to a third floor office, and lo-and-behold, here it is! I might have startled some of the office staff because they all seemed to not know where the walking maps were kept. I had three separate people try to find the things for me. They did however, find the maps and give me some helpful information about the city. From there, I went about my way.

On my way out I happened to be walking down the hallway that is shared between different companies inside of the building, and right to my left was a bathroom! I looked around, and no one was IMG_20160323_134230_48watching, so I just moseyed on inside and took a Trump.
The bathroom was gender-neutral, which was to be expected. It served multiple offices and businesses on the third floor. I walked in and I was met with this tiny, but charming bathroom. The walls were painted off-white, and the woodwork around the floor was painted black. The floor was a greenish-blue with rustic grout filler. It had one toilet, and had all the amenities of home. It had a little toilet paper caddy, a plunger, and a toilet scrubber.

This bathroom was quiet enough to take a seven minuet crap in without being disturbed. Even though the bathroom was shared between offices nobody knocked on the door. I was left to my devices in here without being seen or noticed. It was a true delight to crap in.

IMG_20160323_134230_62It was meticulously taken care of. It was very clean, and there really wasn’t anything out of place here. I was expecting the bathroom to be fairly clean, but this even surpassed my expectations. Had anyone ever used this bathroom before!? It felt great taking a shit in such a virgin atmosphere. In fact, I took longer than expected to finish my shit because I felt so at ease. I felt like I had all of the comforts of home while I was so far away from it.

I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper now upon cleaning my rectum. There was an industrial sized toilet paper roll to the right of the toilet, but there was no toilet paper in here. The toilet paper you are looking for is sitting on the top of the toilet tank. It really wasn’t very good. It was a cheap one ply toilet paper. Maybe this is the way that both offices joke with each other. I am sure that the bathroom is a shared responsibility. There is most likely a toilet paper war going on between offices, because I can’t imagine anyone willingly buying this stuff for the fun of it.

Everything was manual in this bathroom. For some reason there was also an older model air dryer in here. I opted to use the paper towels which were sitting inside of a basket. After cleaning myself up, I slipped out of the side door like a looking around to make sure I hadn’t been spotted, and I went along on my journey. IMG_20160323_134230_89
So now that you know about this secret poo spot, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Review. These are all based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 5
Accessibility 1
Busyness 1
Décor 4
Cleanliness 5
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 5

I am going to give The Greater Portland Convention and Visitor’s Bureau a Solid Five Stars! Normally when a place has one ply toilet paper it immediately takes them out of the running for a Five Star Rating. So you are probably wondering why this toilet made it to the IMG_20160323_134230_102top? Well to be honest this is probably the most secretive of shitters I have shat in to date. I totally wasn’t supposed to be in the building at all, the actual visitor’s center is located a little way down the street. After getting directions there I still couldn’t find it. I did, however, find what I was looking for in the form of a walking map to Portland that didn’t look like a child drew it. I had picked up a map at the Greyhound Station on Congress Street, and it looked like a child and drew it in crayon. The staff there was very friendly, and very helpful in the information they gave me. The bathroom felt like I was at home, and I was left to shit undisturbed. The décor in the bathroom didn’t look all that great, but it felt very “homey” if you IMG_20160323_134230_116know what I am trying to get at. Combine that with the fact that the inside ground-level floor looks like you shouldn’t be in there, and you have a great built-in deterrent. This is truly a great place to take a private shit in the busy downtown section of Portland.

Like what you see? Why not tell your friends about us! I am working diligently to pump out The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, and I still have a few more places to visit. So you get to benefit from all of that each and every week. Keep sending me to your favorite public toilets by tweeting to us @Secret_Shitter and on Facebook. We also have a Tumblr if that is your thing too. I will be headed to Burlington Vermont soon, so if you know of great bathrooms there, let us know by tweets, facebooks, tumbls, and email.

Portland Maine: Hyatt Place

“This is a place where I want to shit,” I thought to myself IMG_20160323_174328_34walking to my location. I had no idea how long of a walk it was from the bus station to anywhere in downtown Portland. I don’t quite know what drew me to this building, but I kept this next location on the back burner making sure I pinched a loaf in here on my way out of town. This location was one of the first “signs” I reached civilization in Portland. So without any further bullshit, here is our next location from Portland, Maine: Hyatt Place.

As I said in the last paragraph this was one of the first signs I “made it” into town. It seemed out of the way, and it didn’t look too busy when I was walking by there around five o’clock at night. I walked into the hotel and talked with the balding front desk agent, inquiring where his restroom was. He said it was down the hall and to the left, which is where I headed. There was only a small sign when you went down the hallway indicating where the bathrooms were.

I walked in to see one single stall along the back wall. I IMG_20160323_174328_50thought to myself: “this seems perfect”, and I hustled my ass into the lone commode. Because this was the only stall, it doubled as a handicap bathroom as well. So this means the stall was spacious enough for you to stretch your legs out. There was a coat hook in two places for you to hang a jacket and a bag on. Overall it was a good start to my pooping experience.

The bathroom’s décor was all beige. Both floor tiles, and wall tiles were beige. The floor tiles looked more like beige bricks than the oversized tiles which adorned the walls. The floor tiles had a black boarder around them making the tile “pop” more than the walls. Overall it was a great usage of a single color. Even the stall dividers were colored a matte beige color. This color scheme lent itself to making the bathroom seem brighter and larger than it actually was.

This bathroom looked like no one had ever used it. That is how clean it was. No stock was short, and nothing was out of place here at Hyatt Place. This is exactly the type of condition I want to see when I shit. Perhaps this orderliness was a result of Portland’s off-peak season, or maybe I just happened to come in after the cleaning crew finished. Either way, it was very refreshing to see such a clean and tidy facility.

Another wonderful thing about this bathroom was how quietIMG_20160323_174328_67 it was. I was the only person in here for the duration of my power-duke. Not a single soul meandered into this facility. Leaving me to my devices while I left a little bit of me in Portland.

I was having a blast while taking a blast here at Hyatt Place. But I had to turn my attention to their toilet paper. I had such a pleasant experience in here I would hate for them to ruin it by giving me inadequate toilet paper. Guess what? They didn’t! This was primo toilet paper they stocked in here. It was a soft cushy two-ply with the little ridges. This toilet paper felt amazing on my asshole and the little “helper ridges” made my asshole clean as a whistle.

The automated clean-up process helped make everything a breeze. The toilets, sinks, and soap were all automatic. The “Xacto” air dryer left my hands dry as a bone in no time. The air dryer had enough pressure and heat to dry my hands accordingly. After all was said and done I tipped my cap to the balding front desk agent, and I moseyed on down to the Amtrak Station to catch my train home.

Now we need to turn our attention to how the Hyatt Place stacks up in our Secret Shitter Review. Everything is based on a five-star system.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4

 

The Hyatt Place scored a 4 on the Secret Shitter’s Review. IMG_20160323_174328_87Everything in this bathroom was amazing. However, it fell short in just a couple of areas leaving it out of the top-tier category. A four is still nothing to scoff at in my book. This lavatory is very clean, and the single stall setup leaves you with extra room for your pooping pleasure. If someone else needed to take a shit, however, that could lead to a few problems. Personally, when I am feeling comfortable I tend to go a little slower at what I am doing, and pooping is no different. The only saving grace here is that nobody walked in. Which was very nice. I could see that they had a small café in the front desk area, so maybe the bathroom sees a little more traffic in the morning hours. I wasn’t a fan of the beige color in the bathroom, but it did work to make it seem larger and cleaner. Usually you don’t put in lighter colors if the place is a dump because every mess will be highlighted. That is also the reason you rarely see me wearing white shirts, I will always drop mustard or something on them staining them.

Overall, this is a great place to take a shit. I would poop here in a New York Minute without hesitation. So, if you are like me and underestimate the walk into Portland, keep this knowledge in your back pocket knowing that you aren’t that far from town, and you have a great place to take a shit.

 

Like what you read? Then tell people about it then. Go and share it on your social media choice. We have all sorts of profiles from Tumblr’s to Facebooks. Just help me get the word out. I am only one guy who works a day job, so I can only do so much. Also I am compiling all of these posts into The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. So I am thinking that book will be done hopefully by Thanksgiving. Well as always, thank you for reading, and I will see you Wednesday when we explore, Boston MA: The Long Wharf Marriott (Upstairs).

Providence Rhode Island: Brown University

IMG_20160316_164142_996        When you first exit the train station in Providence, the city unfolds in front of you. You are greeted with shopping malls, hotels, financial buildings, and a beautiful river. Providence is home to some world-class colleges too, such as Johnson & Wales University which is THE most recognizable name in culinary schools, RISD which is one of the better art schools in New England, then we come to another school, Brown University. How in the hell could I come to Providence and NOT go to Brown University? Well ladies and gentlemen we are going to kick off our trip to Rhode Island right, next stop, Brown University!

I got one of those little walking maps to Providence, and it had Brown University on there as a stop on their self-guided walking tour. There was also a little bathroom icon next to the University, which means there was a public restroom located inside of the place. It was number one on the GoProvidence.com’s walking tour, it was also the area furthest away, so I headed up College Hill, and I made my way home.

Now the map would lead you to believe that there is only one solitary public bathroom. However, this is not the case. The map told me that the bathroom would be accessible from Waterman Street, which technically it was. I had been holding in an Egg McMuffin all the way from South Station preparing my anus for its’ destiny. College Hill is large, and the entrance to the University was about a quarter mile down the street. I didn’t see the main opening from Waterman Street, and I got completely fucking lost.

My first bathroom trip I fucked up big time. There was an archway where you walk through that brings you to the green. They said that the bathroom would be right there, except it isn’t. There was a giant map that showed all of the classroom buildings, and all of the residence halls, but there was nothing written on the wall that said “bathroom”. No icon, no writing, no nothing. I could not take listening to my inner brown try to claw its’ way out, I had to do what I had to do, I went into the building which was opposite of the map, and I had to find the shitter, and fast!

I believe it was the admissions building, and there was a bathroom sign immediately as I walked it. “Score”, I thought to myself. This is going to be an easy one. Plus, it is a nice feather in the cap to say that The Secret Shitter laid down some brown at Brown. There are two sets of stairs, one leads up to a guy sitting in a reception desk, the other leads downstairs to some sitting areas and computers. That is where you will need to go.

When you walk down the stairs you will find an old looking door on your left. It IMG_20160316_164142_980will say “Men’s Room” on it, and you know you have found the right place. Well, unless you are a lady. So at first walking in, it was a sight to be seen. There were four stalls lined up against the right side wall. The handicap one was occupied, which means I would need to go and use one of the other ones. I had to make haste because even though I am not old, I totally do not look like I belong in a college. The only Brown Police I was trying to alert, were the ones patrolling my ass.

Now I do have to say that this is going to be the post with the least amount of pictures. This is due in part to some of what I have outlined above, and the other being that this bathroom was busy as fucking hell. I walked in and there were three dudes using the urinals, and another two washing their hands, and there was a lone guy in the handicap stall playing “Old Brown” on his own ass-saxophone.

Me on the other hand I had a Bruno Brown Bear of my own coming out of hibernation looking to hydrate himself in the pristine lakes of Underground Brown. I heaved and I grunted with such passion, that I am pretty sure I was scaring some of the kids. I even had one knock at the door from a concerned student asking me “if everything was alright dude”? Everything was not alright, I had an hour old South Station Egg McMuffin trying to nuzzle its’ way out of my asshole. This is just adding to the insurmountable pressure I was already feeling being in a place that I knew I shouldn’t have been in. I am in a college, without identifying myself, going into a student only bathroom. I am also trying to review it for a crapping website, making this one of the tensest reviews to date. I know I am not breaking the law, well, maybe trespassing? But I am not doing anything hazardous to anyone except paying homage to the very facility I was in.

I do have to say though with how busy this bathroom is; it’s truly amazing how clean the place was. There were two rolls of fresh TP in their holder, and there was no graffiti anywhere. The only wall writings were printed out by the tutoring department looking to see if you needed help with classes. They put them on the inside of the stall. Yeah you read that right. They put advertisement for tutoring classes on the inside wall of the stall I was in. I know I think entirely too much when I take a shit, but I have never contemplated if my studies are falling behind. How awkward of a conversation is that going to be? “Hey I um, like, saw your advertising for tutoring while I was shitting and I wanted to know if you can help me with my Organic Chemistry 101 class?”

IMG_20160316_164142_919           With the tutor ads up in my grill, I had more of a chance to take in the sights around me. This bathroom was old. And I am not just saying that because Brown University is well over two-hundred years old. The bathroom was outdated as hell. They had those old-school little tiles I remember being in the CCD school back home. I am almost certain no one uses tiles of those sizes anymore. Well the walls were white, and the floor was red. Both of them were those little tiles. It looked fucking hideous.

Now that I was getting ready to finish up I had to take my attention to the toilet paper. This was government-grade two ply right here. This toilet paper ripped my asshole to shreds. It was also the kind that didn’t bunch up too well, or fold up well. It was just abysmal. Nothing was good about it. There just isn’t anything more to say about it.

I did like that the flusher gave me the option of being environmentally conscience. It was one of those flushers that you pull them up for a piss, and pull ‘em down for a Brown. They regulate water flow so it doesn’t use as much water if you pee. Again I don’t know why there aren’t more of them around, but I am starting to see them more and more in my shitty travels. The flusher is manual, and so are the sinks and soap. There were paper towels, so that was a plus.

Well now that I am done being “Ever True to Brown” it is time for me to come to the actual data. The meat and potatoes of our writings, The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now everything is out of a possible five stars, Let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 4

Stall Comfort: 2IMG_20160316_164142_965

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 2

 

Well there you have it a measly 2 Stars to start off our trip to Providence. I had such high hopes for Brown University, I mean the college is named after shit. I would have thought that they would take their pooping as serious as their academics. But no, how sadly wrong I was. Let me count the ways at how awful this bathroom is. First you can hardly find it. If you just walked into the building and declared yourself to the kid at the desk, I doubt you would be granted entry. If you do manage that, you will be greeted with a hostile shitting environment. It isn’t a place you go to get away, you go here and you make your own Brown University, and then you leave. There is no admiring anything in here, nor should you. This bathroom sucks to be honest. Plus, as I was leaving the Brown grounds I overhead a kid saying very loudly, “this _________ is fucking forty years old and he is going to school here”? Use your imagination to fill in the blank. So not only are the students here assholes, but the college’s bathrooms suck too. Number one shithead, I am not “forty years old”. Number two, I was taking a dump in your school so I could write about it in my book. Number three, I have a book out and another one in the works. What have you dIMG_20160316_164142_965one with your life other than write useless research papers? Come find me when you’ve accomplished something in life. Until then, kindly Go Fuck Yourself. And with that said, I think it is rather ironic that last statement conveys my exact feeling towards Brown University, please kindly go fuck yourself.

 

 

I am traveling around New England with my next edition of The Secret Shitter Guidebook series. Buy our first guidebook, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston vol. 1 to go and help support us. Or you can click the Donate button at the top of the screen. Just know that each donation and book sale helps me keep up with the website, and helps me go to other places.

Primark

           So today we are traveling to the sort-of new retail mega-structure in Downtown Boston, Primark. Primark is relatively new European clothing retailer. Decent quality stuff for pretty cheap. I personally like European-style cloths, I think they fit me better. It probably has something to do with the fact that not everyone in Europe is a thick like us. I wish I was of a bigger build so that it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find cloths that fit me. But that is not the point of this, we need to get to what really matters, the bathroom.

 

 
            Ok so Primark took over the old Filenes in Downtown Crossing. Now there are four floors of clothing in this place, and roughly three and a half is dedicated to women’s clothing. So if you are a dude looking for a large selection, you will get one half of one floor. The rest is for the women. Now the restroom is located on the fourth floor. Getting up there is a pain in the ass. You have two options, take the elevator, or take the escalator. If you are on the escalator, chances are you will be just as cramped as you would on the elevators, except you won’t have to wait as long to get up there. At least you can gauge how slow your moving on the escalator. When you wait for the elevator, it seems to take an eternity to get to your floor. So I would advise that you take the escalator.
 
            Now once you make it up to the fourth floor, there are signs that point you to the bathroom. Although they are very hard to follow. The whole store is confusing like that. But a good way to find the bathroom is to look where the employee break room is. It is down that hall that you can find the bathroom. Great so you found where you are going, and you walk down the hall and what do you find? A single door, that houses one bathroom. It is multi-gendered, so there are no men’s or woman’s restroom here, just one shared bathroom. Considering the size of the store, I thought maybe I got lost or something and found the employee bathroom. But after reassurance from a Primark employee, I indeed found the bathroom. Well this is going to be different.
 
            I don’t even know what came over me to go through with this review. I could see the single file line gathering behind me, and I knew I was going in there to see what brown could do for me. So after what seemed like forever, it was finally my turn! I felt like a benchwarmer who the coach finally called in to play at the big game.
 
            I opened the door and what did I see? I saw a single solitary toilet in the far left corner. Now I got to say that this bathroom was massive! I mean you could have totally fit like two or three toilets in here, there is no need to have just one solitary toilet in this bathroom. Hell you could have cut it up into two bathrooms and maybe alleviated some of the bathroom lines, but then again, maybe that is how they do it in Europe.
 
            So I looked around for a coat hook, and found none. Well no worries, this bathroom is so large it does not really matter. You can stick your stuff on one side and they will be out of the way of any poo-water.
 
            So as I laid my booty down on the toilet, I started with the dirty deed of flushing out my colon. It could not have been thirty seconds into my poop before someone started knocking on the door. I had a feeling this would be a running theme. Sure enough just about every minute or so, there would be a knock at the door. Now I could have been in this bathroom for about four minutes’ tops. I must have spent a solid minute wiping my ass, and not to gross you out or anything but it was akin to wiping a wet marker. Try as I might, I just could not rid my anus of my poo-remnants.
 
            So in the process of all of this, I kept hearing these weird gurgling sounds coming from the pipes of the toilet. I thought it was kind of odd at first and I thought maybe there was another toilet located close by, but sure enough it was coming from this very toilet. I was starting to panic in here. Not only was the toilet making weird noises, but the shitty one-ply toilet paper was ripping me a new one. To make matters worse, my asshole refused to dry up. I thought I was going to run out of toilet paper, but thankfully I got rid of this awful duce-residue.
 
            As you can imagine, the knocks at the door got louder and more frequent. I even had what appeared to be an employee ask me if everything was alright. I assured him that I was almost done, but my asshole was like a wet marker so I would need an additional thirty seconds. I do not know how that employee took it, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I could never see his reaction.
 
            Now that I was done I went over to the manual sink and washed my hands up. Lo and behold right next to the sink was the cream of the crop, the Dyson Airblade. I took great joy in running my hands up and down the inside of this futuristic air dryer while the sounds of knocking grew louder and louder. I gathered up my bag and I headed out, only to see the line grew three times its’ size since before I got in there. I hope the stink didn’t offend anyone… Who am I kidding? I hope I gagged that bitchy lady who gave me the stink eye as I walked proudly out of that bathroom. Nobody fucks with my shit-time, and I mean nobody.
 
            So now that I was done doing what I do, much to the horror of everyone standing in line, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 1
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Décor: 1
Busyness: 5
Overall Rating: 1
            This bathroom is just as bad as the one-star rating indicates. I don’t know what is worse, having a drab all white design, or having fifty people knocking on the door while I am trying to take a dump. I get it that this is a shared bathroom, but you would think with a store of this size there would be two separate bathrooms for men and women to alleviate the strain on the line. I am not even sure if the employees have a separate bathroom to be honest. It looks like they put no effort into the design and placement of this bathroom. It almost feels like they went “oops, I guess we need to put one in here”. With four floors of retail space, that means it can hold quite a bit of people inside. When there are that many people sharing one bathroom, bad things are bound to happen. Shame on you Primark! I like your cheap clothing options, but your bathroom situation would offend Satan himself. This is absolutely the worse bathroom I have encountered outside of The Walgreens on School Street. Hell even Faneuil Hall’s hanging-on-for-dear-life door beats this bathroom. I have a feeling I would have had a better shitting experience if I had asked to use one of the Port-a-Pottys in the construction site next door. I would have at least been able to shit in peace.

 

            Now that you know about my experience, why don’t you tell me about some of your own in the comment section below. While you are at it, why not purchase our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 on Amazon and keep it in your purse or bag and never fear shitting again. Until next time, Peace. 

Hyatt Regency Boston

                From the depths of my bowels to your eyes this installment of The Secret Shitter brings us to the Hyatt Regency Boston. Now this particular spot can be a little confusing to find, there are two Hyatt Regencies in Boston. One Regency is the Waterfront, and the other one is well, this one.

 


            The Hyatt Regency is located on Avenue de Lafayette in the Downtown Crossing neighborhood of Boston. It is around the corner from the Paramount Theater and a short walk from the Downtown Crossing, Park Street, and South Station MBTA Stations. I took the nice walk up from the South Station MBTA Stop. I don’t know what made me think to go into this hotel, but I am sure glad that I did.
 
            Now the hotel itself is setup rather confusing, so please bear with me as I try to explain it. You go in through the front doors, down a few sets of ramps, which will lead you to an elevator. You want to take the elevator up to the third floor, which will bring you to the hotel lobby. Why on Earth is the lobby located on the third floor is beyond me. But then again if I was in the hotel design business, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about crapping in public…
 
            Now remember how I said it was confusing finding the lobby? Well buckle up son because you are about to go on a god damn adventure trying to find this bathroom. You want to walk down where there are two IMacs and take an immediate right down that small hallway. Now there will be a sign that says “bathrooms”, but it isn’t so clear cut. You want to walk down that hall towards a small conference room/office, or whatever the hell it is. There will be a small hallway jetting out to your right. That is where the bathrooms are located. OK got that? I promise it will be worth it.
 
            Now when you first walk in you will see a grey pattern all around you. It is like a faux marble, although it could be real, I have no way to test these things in the field, either way it looked fucking baller. Now there are four doors across from the urinals, pick whichever one you want. There is no difference here to be honest. The doors are very solid. They actually feel like a door, if that makes any sense? See sometimes the stall doors feel flimsy, making you question whether or not you actually want to stay rooted in there for very long. Although sometimes you really do not have a choice.
 
            So now that we know the stall door feels like a door, let’s move on to the sheer size of the stall itself. To be honest it is deceptively small. You think that you are going into this tiny little thing, and then you realize that you have enough room to move around in it. There is also a coat hook up on the wall, which will come in handy considering Mother Nature is about to body slam the shit out of Boston, and if you are like me, I really do not like shitting with my winter jacket on. There are far too many variables that could go wrong. I also just purchased a white jacket for this winter, and well white doesn’t exactly cover brown.
 
            Another thing I like about the doors are they are raised a little higher than normal. This has a twofold advantage, one being they can see you, and you can see them. No awkward run ins in this bathroom. Speaking of which, there really wasn’t any activity when I was in there. Maybe a guy or two coming in to piss, and there was one other guy which was in the clutches of El Crappo’s hand (in case you don’t know, El Crappo is the fabled crap-demon from our neighbors to the south).
 
            Weirdly enough, above the smoothing sounds of the hipster soft rock that was 
playing, I could hear multiple toilets flushing to my left. I figured there was probably a glitch in the system. Sometimes those automatic flushers go off mid-shit.
 
            Now that El Crappo was beginning to help my poo slide out of the rectum slide, I was able to take a closer look at the wallpaper and décor. Now the décor had grey and white marbled floors, and a light grey wallpaper. Elegant, and relaxing is how I would describe the design of this high rise shitter. I felt relaxed here, and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush. I felt as though I could take all of the time in the world here.
 
            I was nearing the end of my little experience here in the Hyatt Regency Boston, and I had to turn my undivided attention to the two rolls of toilet paper sitting to my left. Now I took a little sample test of the toilet paper which would grace my O-ring, and to my surprise it felt awfully thin! How could a place that looked this good, cleaned this good, and felt this good have sub-par toilet paper! I sighed to myself, and I went about balling the toilet paper up and took a good, meaty swipe and the goo. Wow. The Hyatt Regency pulled one on The Secret Shitter. This paper is totally a comfortable two ply. Thank heavens because I was getting myself all worked up about this. When one wrestles with the god of hemorrhoids, you should not take any chances.
 
            Now that I was done doing the voodoo that I do, I got up and almost walked out when I noticed something odd, the automatic flusher didn’t go off. I thought it was odd, and upon further inspection it was not an automatic flusher at all! So by my deductions El Crappo must have taken a little too much from the man a few stalls over from me. Because that fucking toilet flushed a good five times. What struck me as odd was the fact that my toilet took the whole thing down with one pull of the magical flush stick. I guess I got lucky?
 
            So now you know about what I did, it is now time to put The Hyatt Regency Boston to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System. Let us begin…
 
Number of Stalls: 4
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 2
 
Overall Total: 4.25
Ok So you are probably wondering what is stopping this from being the perfect shitter? Well there isn’t really anything wrong with this bathroom at all. I just need more of a WOW Factor to make this reach up to that next level. I mean it is out of the way, it has a lot of stalls to choose from, and it is clean as a baby’s bottom. Like I said, when I give out five stars I expect to be wowed in some way, shape, or form. With all that being said this is totally a great place to take a poop in the Downtown Crossing area of Boston. I mean it has exactly everything you want in a bathroom. And it is so far out of the way most people will not even be bothered to look for it, which is a good thing for you. It is almost TOO out of the way for its’ own good. I mean you do have to trek through two doormen, an elevator full of people, and a front desk just to get to this shitter. Is it cool? Of course it is! Practical? Maybe not so much. Unless you are walking right by the hotel, you probably won’t even know it is there to be honest.
So with all of that said, did you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section below. Also please feel free to share this post with your friends and family!
Did you hear about our book? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is available on Amazon.com in both Paperback, and Kindle form! Click here to get it All of the cool kids are getting the book. Also maybe you can drop hints to your significant other and have him/her get you the book for Valentine’s Day! It is never too early to start dropping hints…

 

Until Next time… Peace.  

Copley Place Mall

Deep among the  people lurked the Secret Shitter. The Copley Place Mall is home to upscale clothing boutiques and fashion outfitters. This is precisely where the Secret Shitter wants to strike. In a mall that sells Burberry and has a Tiffany & Co , it is bound to have awesome toilets right? I had felt an urgent need to find the restroom a little over a half hour after I mowed down a large Chicken Fry Value Meal at the Park Street Burger King.

1
A sign directing you to the hallway where the bathroom is located

The Copley Place Mall is totally free to use, and it is conveniently located around downtown Boston. You do not need to purchase anything to enter these restrooms. That is if you can find them. I had remembered that they were to the left of the waterfall on the second floor. How wrong I was. They are located on the first level down a long hallway after a Santander Bank ATM.

Every time I go to take a shit in a public toilet my go to spot is the handicap stall. However in this restroom the handicap stall’s lock did not operate properly and I was forced to use a common man’s shitter. There were only two stalls in addition to the handicap one, making it three totals.

The stall I sat in was very clean. However it wasn’t spacious by any means. If I moved my elbows up to my chest they hit the wall. Another thing that caught my attention was there was no coat hook this being the summer it is totally a non issue. However I don’t know about you, but in the winter I do not shit with my jacket on, so I need a place to store a coat. Even if there was a coat hook in this particular stall, I feel that if I hung a coat up it would wobble the door and potentially lead to either; the door swinging open, or it falling on the ground. Both of which are not good things to have going for you. The bathroom also had a good amount of traffic going through it,  I was boggled as to why there were three stalls in there. Although I am not ashamed by any means of my butt orchestra, some people are; which would make this bathroom very tense one to poop in.

2
A directory of the mall courtesy of www.simon.com

Next is the toilet paper. It wasn’t the cheap kind, but felt like a generic knock off brand two-ply. It didn’t aggravate my anus, and I was wiping quite vigorously. The toilet was an automatic flusher, and took my mighty offering in one fell swoop. The sinks were also automatic, and dispensed an adequate amount of soap and an appropriate amount of water. It took maybe one and a half cycles of water to really get the soap out. They also had paper towels in addition to the air dryers, which I am not fond of personally.

The décor in the bathroom was really nothing to write home about. It was a standard black and white tiles design with a little bit of brown thrown in there. It kind of gave the room a; look see we sort of tried, look to it.

So now that the review is done, here is the breakdown (out of a possible 5):

 • Number of stalls: 1
• Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5
• Stall comfort: 2
• Busyness: 5
• Décor: 2.5
 • Cleanliness: 4
 • Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 2.5

This is your pretty average run-of-the-mill bathroom. What damaged The Copley Place Mall’s overall rating is: the busyness, stall size, and accessibility. This is no secret oasis by any stretch of the imagination. However this is definitely a clean place to deposit some logs. I wouldn’t worry about catching crabs or having to hover-poop here.  In conclusion I wouldn’t hesitate to relieve my bowels here at all. I hope this helps you, and remember, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!