Tag Archives: Hotel

Maine: Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

On today’s adventure, we are on the outskirts of the beautiful old port district in Portland Maine. The streets are getting less seedy, and are starting to show some groovy vibes. While on my way to the old port district some bad vibes were harshin’ my bowels. Over a small hill, I saw our next site, The Holiday Inn Portland.

                What made this scene, even more fun was the National Sheriff Conference that was taking place on the first floor. These bad hombre’s were everywhere! Surely the Secret Shitter has met his match? I could literally, figuratively, and metaphorically get arrested 8 ways to Sunday.

                I marched right past the badge distribution sheriff to find the bathroom on the left-hand side of the small hallway at the bottom of the escalators coming in from the front door. You won’t find signs for it, so it is important to make a note of the path to the poop splash.

                When you walk in, you get blasted by the mute white walls. You will notice the snazzy looking yellow flowers that were eloquently placed on opposite ends of the sink. You will see a large baby changing station. Now you will cast your eyes on your three stall choices. They are all very large and feature coat hooks.

                Surprisingly the bathroom was not that busy. There were a couple of people who meandered in while I was giving the toilet some rough justice of my own. Weirdly enough there were no cops in the bathroom. That was a godsend for obvious reasons.

                The toilet paper was a measly one ply. It was harsh and cruel. I did not like it. This bathroom also boasts a manual flusher, sink, and soap dispenser. They did have paper towels, though,  I wonder if that could influence their rating?

                Speaking of ratings we have to get to the Secret Shitter Review.

Number of Stalls: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 3
Total Score: 3 Stars

 

                The Portland Holiday Inn is exactly what you would expect from a large chain hotel bathroom. The décor is nice enough, and the cleanliness is usually near top-notch. The hard to find shitter is normally a good thing. However, I don’t like walking through a get together of law enforcement officers knowing I am about to go into a bathroom and snap pictures as part of my review. I rolled the dice on this and won. I always have a small amount of apprehension when it comes to funneling some brown gold down the old’ pipeline. There is always the off-chance that I can get caught and have to explain this shit posting I do. So to summarize this post, the toilet is pretty average for a hotel. I have seen better, I have seen worse.

Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

Address: 88 Spring St, Portland, ME 04101
Phone: (207) 775-2311

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

IMG_20160525_231206_9

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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Hyatt Regency Boston

                From the depths of my bowels to your eyes this installment of The Secret Shitter brings us to the Hyatt Regency Boston. Now this particular spot can be a little confusing to find, there are two Hyatt Regencies in Boston. One Regency is the Waterfront, and the other one is well, this one.

 


            The Hyatt Regency is located on Avenue de Lafayette in the Downtown Crossing neighborhood of Boston. It is around the corner from the Paramount Theater and a short walk from the Downtown Crossing, Park Street, and South Station MBTA Stations. I took the nice walk up from the South Station MBTA Stop. I don’t know what made me think to go into this hotel, but I am sure glad that I did.
 
            Now the hotel itself is setup rather confusing, so please bear with me as I try to explain it. You go in through the front doors, down a few sets of ramps, which will lead you to an elevator. You want to take the elevator up to the third floor, which will bring you to the hotel lobby. Why on Earth is the lobby located on the third floor is beyond me. But then again if I was in the hotel design business, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about crapping in public…
 
            Now remember how I said it was confusing finding the lobby? Well buckle up son because you are about to go on a god damn adventure trying to find this bathroom. You want to walk down where there are two IMacs and take an immediate right down that small hallway. Now there will be a sign that says “bathrooms”, but it isn’t so clear cut. You want to walk down that hall towards a small conference room/office, or whatever the hell it is. There will be a small hallway jetting out to your right. That is where the bathrooms are located. OK got that? I promise it will be worth it.
 
            Now when you first walk in you will see a grey pattern all around you. It is like a faux marble, although it could be real, I have no way to test these things in the field, either way it looked fucking baller. Now there are four doors across from the urinals, pick whichever one you want. There is no difference here to be honest. The doors are very solid. They actually feel like a door, if that makes any sense? See sometimes the stall doors feel flimsy, making you question whether or not you actually want to stay rooted in there for very long. Although sometimes you really do not have a choice.
 
            So now that we know the stall door feels like a door, let’s move on to the sheer size of the stall itself. To be honest it is deceptively small. You think that you are going into this tiny little thing, and then you realize that you have enough room to move around in it. There is also a coat hook up on the wall, which will come in handy considering Mother Nature is about to body slam the shit out of Boston, and if you are like me, I really do not like shitting with my winter jacket on. There are far too many variables that could go wrong. I also just purchased a white jacket for this winter, and well white doesn’t exactly cover brown.
 
            Another thing I like about the doors are they are raised a little higher than normal. This has a twofold advantage, one being they can see you, and you can see them. No awkward run ins in this bathroom. Speaking of which, there really wasn’t any activity when I was in there. Maybe a guy or two coming in to piss, and there was one other guy which was in the clutches of El Crappo’s hand (in case you don’t know, El Crappo is the fabled crap-demon from our neighbors to the south).
 
            Weirdly enough, above the smoothing sounds of the hipster soft rock that was 
playing, I could hear multiple toilets flushing to my left. I figured there was probably a glitch in the system. Sometimes those automatic flushers go off mid-shit.
 
            Now that El Crappo was beginning to help my poo slide out of the rectum slide, I was able to take a closer look at the wallpaper and décor. Now the décor had grey and white marbled floors, and a light grey wallpaper. Elegant, and relaxing is how I would describe the design of this high rise shitter. I felt relaxed here, and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush. I felt as though I could take all of the time in the world here.
 
            I was nearing the end of my little experience here in the Hyatt Regency Boston, and I had to turn my undivided attention to the two rolls of toilet paper sitting to my left. Now I took a little sample test of the toilet paper which would grace my O-ring, and to my surprise it felt awfully thin! How could a place that looked this good, cleaned this good, and felt this good have sub-par toilet paper! I sighed to myself, and I went about balling the toilet paper up and took a good, meaty swipe and the goo. Wow. The Hyatt Regency pulled one on The Secret Shitter. This paper is totally a comfortable two ply. Thank heavens because I was getting myself all worked up about this. When one wrestles with the god of hemorrhoids, you should not take any chances.
 
            Now that I was done doing the voodoo that I do, I got up and almost walked out when I noticed something odd, the automatic flusher didn’t go off. I thought it was odd, and upon further inspection it was not an automatic flusher at all! So by my deductions El Crappo must have taken a little too much from the man a few stalls over from me. Because that fucking toilet flushed a good five times. What struck me as odd was the fact that my toilet took the whole thing down with one pull of the magical flush stick. I guess I got lucky?
 
            So now you know about what I did, it is now time to put The Hyatt Regency Boston to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System. Let us begin…
 
Number of Stalls: 4
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 2
 
Overall Total: 4.25
Ok So you are probably wondering what is stopping this from being the perfect shitter? Well there isn’t really anything wrong with this bathroom at all. I just need more of a WOW Factor to make this reach up to that next level. I mean it is out of the way, it has a lot of stalls to choose from, and it is clean as a baby’s bottom. Like I said, when I give out five stars I expect to be wowed in some way, shape, or form. With all that being said this is totally a great place to take a poop in the Downtown Crossing area of Boston. I mean it has exactly everything you want in a bathroom. And it is so far out of the way most people will not even be bothered to look for it, which is a good thing for you. It is almost TOO out of the way for its’ own good. I mean you do have to trek through two doormen, an elevator full of people, and a front desk just to get to this shitter. Is it cool? Of course it is! Practical? Maybe not so much. Unless you are walking right by the hotel, you probably won’t even know it is there to be honest.
So with all of that said, did you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section below. Also please feel free to share this post with your friends and family!
Did you hear about our book? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is available on Amazon.com in both Paperback, and Kindle form! Click here to get it All of the cool kids are getting the book. Also maybe you can drop hints to your significant other and have him/her get you the book for Valentine’s Day! It is never too early to start dropping hints…

 

Until Next time… Peace.