Category Archives: Uncategorized

Boston Harbor Hotel

IMG_20160316_105021_329    I have had some people suggest this next bathroom for close to a year. I tried to get into it the other week only to be turned away by the front desk staff. They might have won the battle that day, but I have won the war! For I went back to the same place a week later, and this time I got directions to the bathroom by the very same front desk staff that turned me away. I will say, this bathroom was totally worth the wait, and I could see why I was being hounded to go and review it. Our next bathroom is at The Boston Harbor Hotel.

Like I said above, I was told to keep going to the Boston Harbor Hotel. The reader, Rick kept telling me the bathroom was amazing. He also told me that the adjacent map room was very interesting as well. I will say he was right about everything in this place. If you have never been in The Boston Harbor Hotel, there is a very elegant map room just off of the main lobby. These maps date back to the 1700’s and are really interesting to look at. I love looking at old maps of New England. I like seeing the incremental changes that were made from when the settlers first got here. It is amazing how far the region has come considering its’ humble beginnings.

Maps are cool and all, especially old ones, but you are not reading this to inform IMG_20160316_105021_221yourself about maps. No you are reading this because you want to see the Shitters! So let me start by saying this place is kind of a maze to get around. There are about three or four different doors you can go into when you go to the Boston Harbor Hotel. So you have to pick the right one, or else you might end up in a restaurant, or you might end up in the office portion of the building. I am going to show you the door that you have to go into and make this whole thing a lot easier for you.

Do you remember the Rows Wharf Ferry Terminal Bathroom Review? Ok so you know how I said it was adjacent to an entrance into the Boston Harbor Hotel? Well instead of going into the Ferry terminal bathroom, head forward into the hotel doors and you will be pretty close to the Boston Harbor Hotel’s Bathroom. Once you enter the door, you will turn left like you are going into the bar. There will be a small set of stairs on the right hand side. There will be a black and red rug which lead up to a small hallway. That is there the restroom is located.

IMG_20160316_105021_237      The only thing I can say about this bathroom is, wow! This is fucking lavish if I have ever seen lavish before. I feel like I am taking a dump in Bill Gate’s bathroom. There are three stalls in this restroom. Each stall has a full length door. The doors are equipped with sturdy secure coat hooks. The doors are white. Usually when hotels have full length doors, they are shutter-style, not solid body. This is totally a game changer for me.

Now one of the complaints that I have about the stall is that it’s a little too cramped. Now the length of the stall is ok, it is the width that is the issue here. I guess it would around six inches to a foot wider than the door itself. Also the lighting in there is average, but it could be better. I guess they are sacrificing stall comfort for the advantage of having a full length solid door.

Now when I was in there, if I remember correctly it was around 9am. There were two people who walked in there, and they just took a pee and that was in. For them it was a quick operation, in and out. With me, I wanted to sit down and savor this a little. I did have time to kill before I needed to catch the train at South Station anyways, so this was the perfect spot to do it.

As I sat there, I got to soak in the décor a little more. I haven’t really gone into IMG_20160316_105021_251great detail as of yet, but this place was amazing. The walls in the stall were this deep blue-green-grey color, it was really fucking nice. It gave it an “air of elegance” to the pooping atmosphere. The floors were aligned with this marble tile. The color pattern was a light grey with black swirls in it. They had the same style tiles lining the walls by the urinals too except they were a shade or two darker. The pictures don’t really depict that too well. As far as the décor goes, here is the icing on top, when you first enter the bathroom, there is a very nice mirror and a fucking accent table that greets you! When you put an accent table in a bathroom, you know that is a good shitter!

Ok so now that my time here is coming to an end, we have to focus on the clean-up portion of the post. The toilet paper was of the two ply variety, and was soft. I don’t quite remember if it had the little ridges in it, but it did a pretty good job of cleaning up my bum with no harmful side effects. The toilet, sink, and soap were all automatic, as to be expected. I think there will come a time in my life that when I encounter a manual flush toilet, it will be viewed as a relic of the past. I have gone a little off topic here, so let me end this paragraph by saying that this place offered paper towels as their only source of drying.

Well now that my posts are becoming self-aware, this is a better time than ever to turn our attention to our Secret Shitter review. Now remember each of these rating is out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Busyness 1
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4.5

 

 

There you have it folks, a Solid Four-Star Shitter! Now you are probably asking IMG_20160316_105021_282yourself, why isn’t this a Five-Star stall? Surely it more than meets all of the requirements? Well you’re not exactly wrong, let me explain myself, and the reasoning behind it. Honestly what sets this bathroom back from achieving a perfect rating is the stall comfort. This stall is honestly too small and cramped for me to put this in the Five-Star category. Yeah I know the décor is amazing, I know you can’t really find it, and it is clean as a whistle. But the toilet paper wasn’t above and beyond, and the stall felt cramped. Now if the stall was maybe a foot or so wider, then yes this would totally be a Five-Star Shitter. But because of those issues I just said, it isn’t. Now don’t let that get you down. You can see that this bathroom is well above and beyond your average bathroom it is just lacking those key things. Now I can overlook toilet paper quality, but I can’t overlook the stall comfort factor. I would be doing you a disservice if I told you everything was top notch, because it isn’t. Now if I was walking along the Boston Harbor walk and I needed to shit, would I use this bathroom? Of course I would! It would be naive of me to say that this bathroom is average. This bathroom is almost right up there with the best of them. So if you’re in that area, go into the Boston Harbor Hotel, look at the cool maps, have a drink in that bar, and go have a great shitting experience!

Well now that I got all of that out of the way, I wanted to tell you to look out this Monday for our posts from Portland, Maine, and Fridays from Providence Rhode Island! If you couIMG_20160316_105021_315ld spread the word to friends and family that you have or may know in those states, we would really appreciate that! Now we are going to be doing some more work to the website (I know I know) but I just moved it over to its’ own server, and I am going to be having someone help me along with the design of it. I have some other cool tricks up my sleeve too that I will let you in on real soon. So see you on Friday, and buy our book so I can go more places and keep up with the website and pay people and stuff like that! The link is at the top of the page, and if you’re in Winthrop Massachusetts go to The Winthrop Book Depot and buy our book and get yourself a coffee.

 

Portland Maine: Greyhound Bus Station

IMG_20160323_121430_447    I set off last week for Portland Maine. I took the Greyhound bus up, and the Amtrak Downeaster train back at night. My day started leaving South Station in Boston at 9:45AM. The ride was supposed to be about two hours, which didn’t seem too bad I thought to myself. It actually went a lot smoother than that. There were really no issues going up there other than the bus driver speaking terrible English. I don’t say that to make fun of him or anything, if nothing else the guy is trying his best to speak a language which is clearly not his first. The only reason why I said that was after “Ports-mouth” New Hampshire, the next stop was supposed to be Wells, Maine than Portland. We pulled into Wells, without an issue, and the bus driver said, “Next stop Poland”. I sat there and started having a heart attack. I know Poland Springs is a water company from Maine, and I am not quite sure if there actually is a Poland, Maine. However, after I calmed myself down I realized that what he actually meant was “Portland, Maine”.

I seem to be creating a new tradition when I go on my excursions. I get off at Aquarium MBTA station, go to the Long Wharf Marriott and get in line at the Starbucks for my Iced Grande Americano. I then meander along Atlantic Avenue until I hit South Station, where I step into the McDonalds and get a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Breakfast sandwich, mosey on over to the bus station, then wait. I usually eat the sandwich on the bus and finish my coffee then as well. So you probably know where this is going.

The ride to Portland, Maine took less time than I expected. But being in a sitting IMG_20160323_121430_476position looking at my phone for the entire time meant that my stomach hadn’t enough time to actually do its’ thing. So as soon as I could stand up and stretch my legs, that South Station Bacon, Egg, and Cheese hit me like a sack of bricks. I had to take a shit, and fast.

Luckily for me I didn’t have too far to go when I got off in Portland. Right outside was the bus station, and thankfully they let me go in and drop a nasty duce. The bus station itself looks more like a mechanic’s garage than anything else. It had signs outside that I am going to paraphrase here, if you don’t have a ticket, Get the fuck away. Yeah I can imagine there being a homeless problem using bus stations, but to be honest, I had a ticket and I was going to go poo!

Finding the bathroom wasn’t really too much of a challenge. As I said before, this place was fairly small in comparison to South Station. There is a ticket counter, some vending machines, a rack of brochures, and a sign for the bathrooms. That is pretty much it. Now I know why Greyhound practically gives away bus tickets these days.

IMG_20160323_121430_490       This bathroom met every preconceived thoughts and judgements I had of the place. Upon first inspection, it looked just as broken down as the rest of the building. There were two stalls, one of them handicapped, and the other was of the normal variety. When I stepped into the handicap stall I placed my bag and jacket on the coat hook. Exactly in that order. When I turned my back to start inspecting the stall my bag fell off of the coat rack onto the ground. Great, that had my tablet and some water and other breakables in there. Thankfully nothing was broken, so I place my coat on the hook, only to have the same thing happen. My jacket fell onto the floor as well. This time I just decided to say “fuck it” and put my bag and jacket on the ground next to me.

The stall was on the smaller side of what you would expect a handicap stall to be. I have found in my travels they come in three sizes: Small, Medium, and Large. This was a smaller sized handicap stall. I would say you had enough room for a hiking pack, and you could turn around in it, but that was about it. I don’t know how you would fit an actual wheelchair in here, and manage to go to the bathroom as well.

After first initially sitting down the bathroom was bustling with people. Most of them were en route to Augusta, Maine and they were probably just going to the bathroom to walk around and stretch their legs. After about three minutes the bathroom became pretty dead. I would imagine that whenever there is a layover the bathroom’s occupancy level is at its’ peak. After a few minutes it tends to die down.

After the initial onslaught of people, I was free to sit back and take in the sights ofIMG_20160323_121430_504 my first Maine bathroom. Now Maine has a saying, “this is the way life should be” and to every degree it is true. I got a different feeling in the air when I first stepped out of the bus. The air was cleaner, and there just seemed to be a different atmosphere up here. The bathroom itself was an awful bright red and white. The walls were painted cinderblocks (or some other kind of masonry stone used to build buildings), either way it looked outdated and run down. Then again I am in a Greyhound Bus Station on the outskirts of Portland, so I am not expecting great things here.

The bus bathroom itself was cleaner than I would expect it to be. I was expecting it to be a total wreck, but it was actually fairly clean other than a few pieces of toilet paper on the ground. The toilets were clean and so were the sinks. There is a caveat though, the bathroom’s décor and building materials made the bathroom look dingier than it actually was. It just gave the essence of the bathroom being dirty.

I was finally almost done with my poop when I had to start considering the toilet paper options I had before me. There was this awful one ply toilet paper that was the kind that didn’t bunch up, nor did it fold correctly. It was just about what I expected. It hurt my asshole, and it took way more paper than an average quality toilet paper would to clean up my ass.

Everything in the bathroom was manual. The soap, the sink, and the toilet. There was only one option for drying your hand which was an ancient air dryer. The air dryer sounded like it was on its’ last legs. It didn’t really do anything to dry my hands. Its’ burst of air was pathetic at best. I had better luck rubbing my hands against my coat to dry them than I did using this.

Now that shit is done and in the books, why don’t we turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember, everything is based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 2
Accessibility 4
Cleanliness 3
Décor 1
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 1
Total 2

 

I am just as shocked as you that this toilet didn’t become a 1 Star Shitter too. The IMG_20160323_121430_462only thing that this toilet had going for it was that you could find it. Overall the toilet paper quality, and the dingy décor is what sunk this bathroom’s ratings. I would have given it a point higher if the décor didn’t sabotage the cleanliness factor. Like I said in the review, it was pretty clean, but the décor made it seem dirtier than it actually was. When the only real thing you can hang your hat on is the fact that you can find the bathroom, you know you’re not going to score many points with me. The toilet paper was abysmal, and the coat hook was bent at such an angle that it didn’t actually hold any coats. The hook was almost solely responsible for almost breaking my tablet. Thankfully it didn’t. Now I know why Greyhound turned us down for a sponsorship. Their bathrooms and bus stops are in terrible conditions. I can’t say that business should be booming when it cost me a whole $10.75 to get up to Portland. I mean that is less than what the MBTA’s commuter rail charged me to go to Providence. The bus ride was fine, but since I waited to take a dump here, in hindsight I should have taken a shit on the bus on the way up. So I guess to end this first post from Portland, it can only go up from here.

 

Like what you are reading? Well tune in every Monday for more posts from Portland Maine, Wednesdays for Massachusetts, and Fridays for Providence Rhode Island. I am very busy writing and exploring new places for you so that you can be better informed when you visit these cities. We have one book available on Amazon, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Vol. 1 and I am writing the second, and third book in our series as we speak weekly. The Second book will be titled; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Vol. 2; Electric Poogaloo, and our third book will be; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. All I am saying to you the reader is if you like what you read, buy the book, and share the posts with other like-minded people. It is literally the only thing you have to do. I made a little money off of the first book which I took and put aside and was able to pay for travel to Portland Maine, and Providence Rhode Island. Know that you are supporting me directly to go and expand this blog further. Thank you very much for reading and we will see you Wednesday when we explore, The Boston Harbor Hotel in Boston Massachusetts.IMG_20160323_121430_447

Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you thinkIMG_20160316_105118_649 of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

IMG_20160316_105118_664      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really IMG_20160316_105118_694busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

IMG_20160316_105118_707        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls

4

Stall Comfort

3

Accessibility

2

Décor

1

Cleanliness

1
Busyness

3.5

Toilet Paper Quality

2

Total

2

IMG_20160316_105118_679

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.

This Week on The Secret Shitter…

There are going to be some amazing changes coming to this website very soon, and I would like to take some time to outline them below. I have been working on the website, and trying to find one of these WordPress themes that match my vision for the website. Although I am almost there, I can assure you this will not be the final form of the website. Things like this take money and time so that is why they have been slowly rolled out over a long period of time. I am working on some super-secret cool shit (no pun intended) and I am intending on rolling it out in the very near future.

OK so content is king with sites like this, and we are coming up on some hum-dingers. Every Wednesday we will be showcasing a toilet from Massachusetts, and on Fridays we will be showcasing a toilet from our trip to Providence Rhode Island. The Rhode Island toilet showcase should last eight weeks. So what about Monday you ask? Well I got a little surprise in store for you. If you want to know tune into our twitter on Thursday afternoon. Oh you don’t know what the twitter handle is? Well it is @Secret_Shitter. So tune into that to find out what the big deal is.

So there you have it, if you are like me and like to see lists, then look no further than below for our content schedule:

  • Monday: Content Schedule (You’re reading the post now)
  • Wednesday: Massachusetts – The Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel
  • Thursday: Twitter – @Secret_Shitter to find out the big surprise.
  • Friday: #RIFriday – Providence, Rhode Island – Brown University.

 

So there you have it, the only day this week that you won’t be getting any Secret Shitter action is on Tuesday. So hopefully I see some of you on twitter Thursday, and Please do me a favor and share the posts with friends who are in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. I can only do so much; it is really you guys who are the drivers of the Secret Shitter.

Another thing I would like to point out while I have your attention. I have every full intention of releasing a second book. I thought maybe I would go a little out of my comfort zone and not just include Boston on it. So the next book, which will take a little longer to come out, will be centered around the six states that make up New England. Yup, I will be releasing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England probably sometime in the late fall.

Any help that anyone wants to throw my way I would greatly appreciate it. I am not talking about just monetary help either. Sharing content is a way of helping. That is the biggest help I need right now. Along with possibly someone helping me reach out to some travel and hotel companies to help ease the burden of the actual traveling part. Right now the reason why I am centered on New England is that I can make day trips out of going to all six states. So maybe that is something to look into.

Either way, I would first and foremost like to thank you for being the driving force behind The Secret Shitter. This is totally an awesome ride, and I can only assure you that things are going to go up from here. So thank you again for reading, and stay tuned for our post this coming Wednesday from The Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel.

Next Stop: Providence, Rhode Island!

Man oh, man are we excited! Over the course of the next eight weeks we are going to bring you to the lovely little city of Providence Rhode Island. You read that right, every #RI_Friday will bring you to a different hidden, or not so hidden spot around the birthplace of Lovecraft. Some highlights to come will be: Brown University, Providence Place Mall, and The Rhode Island State House! So strap yourselves in and come take a tour of Providence with The Secret Shitter! Starts in one week from today!

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.IMG_20160309_143415_100

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

IMG_20160309_143415_185           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The IMG_20160309_143415_171baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

IMG_20160309_143415_158     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_143415_131

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.

IMG_20160309_143415_144

OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.

 

 

Alewife MBTA Station

This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.IMG_20160309_181246_399

I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.

So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.

According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.

So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.

IMG_20160309_181246_359       Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?

Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was IMG_20160309_181246_386going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.

Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.

A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.

I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 0

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_181246_373

Cleanliness: 0

Décor: 0

Toilet Paper Quality: 0

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 0

Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.

Update (3/12/16):

The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.

 

I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.

 

Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.

 

Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.

 

* “Ridership and Service Statistics” (PDF) (14 ed.).Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. 2014. Retrieved 5 July 2015.

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alewife_(MBTA_station)#cite_note-bluebook-2

Walmart – Lynn

Walmart is one of the quintessential awful places in America. It is the evil big-box retailer that put everyone out of business, offering cheap crap for cheap. Since you can barely find an associate to help you when you need it, I decided that I would make my first venture into the true North Shore of Massachusetts here at the Walmart on the Lynn-way.IMG_20160201_185756_455

This is kind of a two-fold post, I get to review a bathroom in Lynn, and I get to review a Walmart bathroom. To be honest I really didn’t have high hopes going into it, but as you will see, it is surprisingly nice. I will say as a side note that there are no bike racks anywhere outside of this Walmart. So after struggling to find a place to secure my bike, I wandered into the retail super-store to begin my adventure.

Upon first walking into the store you are greeted with a giant sign that says “bathrooms”. The lavatories are literally located on your left after the photo booth, down the hall from the self-service Tax machines. Why on earth do they have self-service tax machines is beyond me, but I guess that is a different post for a different blog.

So I opened the door and actually stood there in amazement at what I saw. The bathroom was really gorgeous! There were a three bay sink that had this “S” like curve to it. Very swanky looking colors as well. It was a brown tones with kind of an upscale rustic feel to it.  There are all sorts of things in this bathroom which caught my eye, there was a baby changing station, multiple ways to dry your hands, and then a mystery box that said “$1.00” on it. We will dive deep into the contents of the mystery box later on.

IMG_20160201_185756_471           So I am impressed thus far with this shitter. There were three urinals, and two stall to use, one of which was handicapped. I made my way over into the handicap stall and I was surprised to see that there was another one of those baby car seat things in the wall. I wish I had a junior of my own to strap in a watch daddy’s anus explode in an animal-like fury onto the calm waters of this toilet, but I don’t so I will just have to sit here and think about things like that giggling to myself.

Now let’s get down to some brown business shall we? One thing I will say about this stall is that there really are no coat hooks for me to hang my jacket and bag up on. I ended up going freestyle and opening up the toddler car seat thing and used that, but really that isn’t an excuse for not having one. So I went on to do the dirty brown jug dance, and sat there in blissful meditation. Not one single person went in there. It was around seven o’clock on a Friday night too, so I know it isn’t exactly “peak” hours, but I can imagine families and working class people getting stuff done around that time.

The handicap stall was very spacious. I will say that there probably could have been one more shitter, but two will have to do, I reckon. So now I decided to give my full, undivided attention to the toilet paper and the qualities and properties pertaining to it. Upon first feel, it was two ply, and it was a cheaper quality. I figured as much, with this being Walmart and all, but when it kissed the beast incarnate known as my anus, it was surprisingly solid! It didn’t feel rough on the bum, it actually felt kind of soft! I don’t know what kind of bizarre world I entered, but I like it.IMG_20160201_185756_545

OK so the toilet was of the automatic flush variety, and inside of the stall there was a plunger, and a toilet brush. In case you felt like cleaning the toilet after an awful crap. But to this date I haven’t ever used a toilet brush which wasn’t my own, and nor do I intend to. The plunger use is debatable though, if I was at a friends’ house, I wouldn’t want poo water leaking all over the place. But at a Walmart? I could give two shits less. But it was not on this day that I needed to use it, so that is a positive for the establishment.

The S shaped sinks were automatic but the soap dispensers were manual. They offered two varieties to dry your hands, air dry, and paper towels. I would have opted for the paper towels, but there were none in stock at all. Walmart made my hand drying decision for me.

Now onto the mystery box which said “$1.00” on it. There is a coin slot and a little circular pull tab. It kind of reminded me of the old cigarette machines, if you can picture that style of handle you know exactly what I am talking about. Now I placed four quarters inside the box, and I pulled the tab anxious to see what would drop into the slot below. Would it be a condom, pills, or body spray? My eyes glasses over as I pulled the tab, only to find that nothing dropped out of it. Why the fuck would you put something like that in there, and not stock the fucking thing? Well instead of going to find a manager and blow my cover, I thought that it was best to just let the mystery lay dormant until I got home.

IMG_20160201_185756_486       On the following Monday night, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to call and figure out this mystery once and for all. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence to you readers if I didn’t at least attempt to follow up. Now I have never had to inquire with a business before, so I debated with myself if I should just come out right, and say I am The Secret Shitter to the manager on the phone. I already have my pictures, and I have formed my opinion about the bathroom, so there is literally nothing they can do to stop me. I decided against using my fame to my advantage, but I had to come up with an alias, so I decided on the name; Rusty Shackleford. Here is the transcript from my conversation with Walmart of the Lynn-way, keep in mind a woman answered the phone:

Walmart (WM): Thank Yous for calling your neighborhood Walmart, how can I help you?

The Secret Shitter (TSS): Hi I had a question regarding your men’s room.

WM: OK sir, what can I help you with?

TSS: Well first I have to say that the bathroom is magnificent, but I lost a dollar putting it into your mystery box in there.

WM: Um OK…

TSS: Well I really do not care about the dollar, but I was wondering something, because my curiosity is getting the better of me. What exactly is supposed to be in there?

WM: Well sir I really don’t know; I don’t go into the ladies’ room.

TSS: OK so is there something like that inside of the woman’s room?

WM: Yes.IMG_20160201_185756_515

TSS: What is dispensed in that contraption?

WM: Tampons sir.

TSS: I take it they are not dispensing tampons in the men’s room right? I mean it would have been fine if a tampon came out, it is my own stupid fault for putting a dollar into an unmarked thing, I guess I could have given it away to someone.

WM: (Howling Laughing) Yes sir I guess you could have. However, I don’t think that we are dispensing tampons in the men’s room.

TSS: So you have zero idea as to what could be dispensed?

WM: No sir I do not, can I place you on hold?

TSS: Yes…

After coming back from the hold.

WM: Sir I have to go; you have a great day.

TSS: You too.

 

I was not satisfied with the above answer. I don’t think it would do you guys justice to if I just left it at that. I called back again the following Friday night, this time I taped the conversation. This is the conversation that I had with Gabriel, a Walmart associate:

 

 

So there you have it. It is still a fucking mystery as to what could be dispensed in the mystery dollar box inside of Walmart’s men’s bathroom. One day we all might find out, but it is not on this day. Instead of focusing on what we don’t know, let us bring our attention to what we do know. I guess it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that each category is based on a five-star system, so let’s begin.

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 4

Cleanliness: 3

Décor: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3IMG_20160201_185756_501

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

Wow I was not expecting the Walmart in Lynn to have a 3.5-Star rating upon first deciding to go in there. I thought that it would be a dump for sure, and you guys would get a howl out of seeing me go into another awful bathroom. But that shocked even me that it was this nice! It has everything that you want. It is located right after the main entrance, so you don’t have to wade through people, and the store itself. It is shockingly clean besides the little bit of toilet paper, and paper toilets on the ground. There was an adequate amount of toilets to handle the heavy rushes, and the stalls were quite roomy. However, this bathroom would have easily been a point higher, had the paper towels been stocked. Also I can live without the advertising on the mystery dollar box, but I cannot forgive an employee not stocking that as well. I mean does Walmart not sell cheap enough condoms, or Tylenol? Why the fuck would you put something for sale in the bathroom and not stock it? Better yet, had I been broke and spent my last dollar trying to get lucky, and got clowned out of my money, I would have been fucking pissed. Not only would I not get to destroy any poo-nany-nany, but I would have been out my final dollar as well. All I have to say is FUCK YOU WALMART. Stock your fucking cheap-ass condom machine. Until then your bathroom will dwell in the average category. Even though the décor was fucking amazing, you will lie in purgatory until I find out what is in that machine.

 

(Editor Notes): I can deal with them not knowing what was in the fucking mystery box, but to be a blatant douche canoe, is unacceptable. I was legit trying to figure out what was in the mystery box, not trying to make your life harder asshole. You could have lied to me and said that there were condoms in there, and the conversation would have ended there. But no, you had to tell me there was a fucking Xbox in the dollar machine, or better yet, a coupon for a free Xbox. I know that “The Secret Shitter” sounds fake as fuck, but come on man, at least be a little professional. I wasn’t swearing, nor was I trying to make your life more difficult.

 

Like what you read? Well then tell someone about it. Reblog it, tumblr it, facebook it, or tweet it. Tell people about us, and we will keep on coming out with the good stuff. Until next time, Peace.