Category Archives: retail

Christmas Tree Shop – Assembly Row

Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was me shamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row IMG_20160207_010041_995Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.

So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.

Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.

The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.

When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was IMG_20160207_010041_897expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.

Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.

Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.

IMG_20160207_010041_860    OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.

Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.

After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?

Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess whenIMG_20160207_010041_838 you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.

So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.

Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?


Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3IMG_20160207_010041_838

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 4


Overall Rating: 2

So the Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.

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OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.


*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia:

Walmart – Lynn

Walmart is one of the quintessential awful places in America. It is the evil big-box retailer that put everyone out of business, offering cheap crap for cheap. Since you can barely find an associate to help you when you need it, I decided that I would make my first venture into the true North Shore of Massachusetts here at the Walmart on the Lynn-way.IMG_20160201_185756_455

This is kind of a two-fold post, I get to review a bathroom in Lynn, and I get to review a Walmart bathroom. To be honest I really didn’t have high hopes going into it, but as you will see, it is surprisingly nice. I will say as a side note that there are no bike racks anywhere outside of this Walmart. So after struggling to find a place to secure my bike, I wandered into the retail super-store to begin my adventure.

Upon first walking into the store you are greeted with a giant sign that says “bathrooms”. The lavatories are literally located on your left after the photo booth, down the hall from the self-service Tax machines. Why on earth do they have self-service tax machines is beyond me, but I guess that is a different post for a different blog.

So I opened the door and actually stood there in amazement at what I saw. The bathroom was really gorgeous! There were a three bay sink that had this “S” like curve to it. Very swanky looking colors as well. It was a brown tones with kind of an upscale rustic feel to it.  There are all sorts of things in this bathroom which caught my eye, there was a baby changing station, multiple ways to dry your hands, and then a mystery box that said “$1.00” on it. We will dive deep into the contents of the mystery box later on.

IMG_20160201_185756_471           So I am impressed thus far with this shitter. There were three urinals, and two stall to use, one of which was handicapped. I made my way over into the handicap stall and I was surprised to see that there was another one of those baby car seat things in the wall. I wish I had a junior of my own to strap in a watch daddy’s anus explode in an animal-like fury onto the calm waters of this toilet, but I don’t so I will just have to sit here and think about things like that giggling to myself.

Now let’s get down to some brown business shall we? One thing I will say about this stall is that there really are no coat hooks for me to hang my jacket and bag up on. I ended up going freestyle and opening up the toddler car seat thing and used that, but really that isn’t an excuse for not having one. So I went on to do the dirty brown jug dance, and sat there in blissful meditation. Not one single person went in there. It was around seven o’clock on a Friday night too, so I know it isn’t exactly “peak” hours, but I can imagine families and working class people getting stuff done around that time.

The handicap stall was very spacious. I will say that there probably could have been one more shitter, but two will have to do, I reckon. So now I decided to give my full, undivided attention to the toilet paper and the qualities and properties pertaining to it. Upon first feel, it was two ply, and it was a cheaper quality. I figured as much, with this being Walmart and all, but when it kissed the beast incarnate known as my anus, it was surprisingly solid! It didn’t feel rough on the bum, it actually felt kind of soft! I don’t know what kind of bizarre world I entered, but I like it.IMG_20160201_185756_545

OK so the toilet was of the automatic flush variety, and inside of the stall there was a plunger, and a toilet brush. In case you felt like cleaning the toilet after an awful crap. But to this date I haven’t ever used a toilet brush which wasn’t my own, and nor do I intend to. The plunger use is debatable though, if I was at a friends’ house, I wouldn’t want poo water leaking all over the place. But at a Walmart? I could give two shits less. But it was not on this day that I needed to use it, so that is a positive for the establishment.

The S shaped sinks were automatic but the soap dispensers were manual. They offered two varieties to dry your hands, air dry, and paper towels. I would have opted for the paper towels, but there were none in stock at all. Walmart made my hand drying decision for me.

Now onto the mystery box which said “$1.00” on it. There is a coin slot and a little circular pull tab. It kind of reminded me of the old cigarette machines, if you can picture that style of handle you know exactly what I am talking about. Now I placed four quarters inside the box, and I pulled the tab anxious to see what would drop into the slot below. Would it be a condom, pills, or body spray? My eyes glasses over as I pulled the tab, only to find that nothing dropped out of it. Why the fuck would you put something like that in there, and not stock the fucking thing? Well instead of going to find a manager and blow my cover, I thought that it was best to just let the mystery lay dormant until I got home.

IMG_20160201_185756_486       On the following Monday night, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to call and figure out this mystery once and for all. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence to you readers if I didn’t at least attempt to follow up. Now I have never had to inquire with a business before, so I debated with myself if I should just come out right, and say I am The Secret Shitter to the manager on the phone. I already have my pictures, and I have formed my opinion about the bathroom, so there is literally nothing they can do to stop me. I decided against using my fame to my advantage, but I had to come up with an alias, so I decided on the name; Rusty Shackleford. Here is the transcript from my conversation with Walmart of the Lynn-way, keep in mind a woman answered the phone:

Walmart (WM): Thank Yous for calling your neighborhood Walmart, how can I help you?

The Secret Shitter (TSS): Hi I had a question regarding your men’s room.

WM: OK sir, what can I help you with?

TSS: Well first I have to say that the bathroom is magnificent, but I lost a dollar putting it into your mystery box in there.

WM: Um OK…

TSS: Well I really do not care about the dollar, but I was wondering something, because my curiosity is getting the better of me. What exactly is supposed to be in there?

WM: Well sir I really don’t know; I don’t go into the ladies’ room.

TSS: OK so is there something like that inside of the woman’s room?

WM: Yes.IMG_20160201_185756_515

TSS: What is dispensed in that contraption?

WM: Tampons sir.

TSS: I take it they are not dispensing tampons in the men’s room right? I mean it would have been fine if a tampon came out, it is my own stupid fault for putting a dollar into an unmarked thing, I guess I could have given it away to someone.

WM: (Howling Laughing) Yes sir I guess you could have. However, I don’t think that we are dispensing tampons in the men’s room.

TSS: So you have zero idea as to what could be dispensed?

WM: No sir I do not, can I place you on hold?

TSS: Yes…

After coming back from the hold.

WM: Sir I have to go; you have a great day.

TSS: You too.


I was not satisfied with the above answer. I don’t think it would do you guys justice to if I just left it at that. I called back again the following Friday night, this time I taped the conversation. This is the conversation that I had with Gabriel, a Walmart associate:



So there you have it. It is still a fucking mystery as to what could be dispensed in the mystery dollar box inside of Walmart’s men’s bathroom. One day we all might find out, but it is not on this day. Instead of focusing on what we don’t know, let us bring our attention to what we do know. I guess it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that each category is based on a five-star system, so let’s begin.


Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 4

Cleanliness: 3

Décor: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3IMG_20160201_185756_501

Busyness: 1


Overall Rating: 3.5


Wow I was not expecting the Walmart in Lynn to have a 3.5-Star rating upon first deciding to go in there. I thought that it would be a dump for sure, and you guys would get a howl out of seeing me go into another awful bathroom. But that shocked even me that it was this nice! It has everything that you want. It is located right after the main entrance, so you don’t have to wade through people, and the store itself. It is shockingly clean besides the little bit of toilet paper, and paper toilets on the ground. There was an adequate amount of toilets to handle the heavy rushes, and the stalls were quite roomy. However, this bathroom would have easily been a point higher, had the paper towels been stocked. Also I can live without the advertising on the mystery dollar box, but I cannot forgive an employee not stocking that as well. I mean does Walmart not sell cheap enough condoms, or Tylenol? Why the fuck would you put something for sale in the bathroom and not stock it? Better yet, had I been broke and spent my last dollar trying to get lucky, and got clowned out of my money, I would have been fucking pissed. Not only would I not get to destroy any poo-nany-nany, but I would have been out my final dollar as well. All I have to say is FUCK YOU WALMART. Stock your fucking cheap-ass condom machine. Until then your bathroom will dwell in the average category. Even though the décor was fucking amazing, you will lie in purgatory until I find out what is in that machine.


(Editor Notes): I can deal with them not knowing what was in the fucking mystery box, but to be a blatant douche canoe, is unacceptable. I was legit trying to figure out what was in the mystery box, not trying to make your life harder asshole. You could have lied to me and said that there were condoms in there, and the conversation would have ended there. But no, you had to tell me there was a fucking Xbox in the dollar machine, or better yet, a coupon for a free Xbox. I know that “The Secret Shitter” sounds fake as fuck, but come on man, at least be a little professional. I wasn’t swearing, nor was I trying to make your life more difficult.


Like what you read? Well then tell someone about it. Reblog it, tumblr it, facebook it, or tweet it. Tell people about us, and we will keep on coming out with the good stuff. Until next time, Peace.

Star Market – Porter Square

                Oompa Loompa Dookity doo, I’ve got another shitter for you. This time I saddled up my horse and headed down over to Cambridge, or is it Somerville? How about we call it Camberville for now? My next adventure took me to good old Porter Square. Now I was in this part of town visiting an old friend, but before I went over to his house, I thought I would drop off this monster crap to the dooky day care.
                Within Porter Square your options are kind of limited to be honest. I had been saving this shit up since I took the first sip of my coffee in the morning. I was actually surprised at myself that I had waited so long to take this shit. So when you get out at Porter Square (from the MBTA Station) your options are kind of limited. I scanned my surrounding, meanwhile the monster is getting into position pointing himself straight down my shit cannon, then I saw it, the Star Market.
                Supermarkets in America have long been a friend of my ass. I have shat in quite a few in my day, and since this was basically the only option, I decided to go in and take a look around. When you head in the entrance closest to the Michael’s you turn to your right and keep going straight. You keep all of the registers to your right, and in the Non-GMO Gluten-Free Organic meat section there will be a sign pointing to the left. Follow that sign and the restroom will be dead ahead of you.
                When I first walked in I will say that the décor jumped out at me. The overall theme in here seemed to be Earth tones. The walls were an array of green, white, and light brown. With the tiles also bearing the color of brown. You will also notice that there is a urinal to your left, and one stall where you and do the doo.
                This stall was mighty in both size and girth. I will say for a supermarket shitter this one was quite large considering the amount of people it serves on a daily basis. When you enter the stall you will notice that there are two locks. Unfortunately, they are not for double protection. It seems like this stall was recently worked on and the hole for the circle lock didn’t exist anymore. That is ok though because right above it was a latch, which I think is much sturdier.
                There was only one coat hook on the door. With the weather in the thirties I am in full blown winter gear. The hook held my jacket admirably, but there was no place for my bag. That is until I turned around. Right in front of me was the strangest looking contraption I have seen in a shitter to date. Now I am familiar with the baby changing stations which sometimes are installed into the handicap stalls, but this was not a baby changing station. It was a baby seat in which you strap junior into to make him witness daddy making a boom-boom. Bravo Star Market, you have introduced me to a crazy new concept in the art of shitting, actually making a small human watch you dook!
                Now that I was situated I sat down to do my business. While sitting there I could hear people talking outside. There was some sort of deli, or fish counter right outside of the bathroom. However, I wish I paid more attention to my surroundings and I wish I could tell you definitively what type of counter it was, but alas next time I won’t be so aloof. So back to business, when I was sitting there a sound all of a sudden rang out. It was an alarm of some kind going off in the back of the counter. I could hear some people bickering back and forth, but the only thing my deaf ears could make out was, “Next time try to be more careful”. So with the alarm turned off I could go back to my regularly scheduled shit. With this many people in the store I thought this bathroom would be really busy. To my surprise only two people came in to take a leak, and according to my ears, only one of them washed their hands.
                After I was done doing the honey doo doo, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Upon first glance I did register it as the one ply variety. However, normally I won’t say this about one ply, but it was super soft! It was like my mind was literally and figuratively blown. I knew there had to be a catch. I don’t think science has caught up with the art of penny pinching quite yet. When I went to grab another bunch for round two of swiping, I found my red herring. The toilet paper didn’t actually come out in one continuous stream. So this very soft one ply toilet paper kept shredding in my hands as I went to pull it down. At first I thought I was tugging too hard, but after using a softer touch, it was still shredding. The top of the container was a translucent black, so I could peer inside, and there was only one roll in there with nothing theoretically stopping the flow of toilet paper. After a grueling two minutes fighting with the terrible toilet roll, I was finally done.
                The toilet and sinks were both manual. There was an Xcelerator air dryer in there. I don’t particularly care for those, they tend to leave my hand a little moister than I would like it to be. I did notice that there was hand sanitizer as well attached to the wall, but it was completely empty when I went to use it. Good thing I bring my own…
                Ok so now that you know the bathroom it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Accessibility: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Décor: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Busyness: 2
Overall Rating: 4
                The Star Market in Porter Square outperformed in every way. I really thought this was going to be a bad place to shit, but I was pleasantly surprised to report the exact opposite. It is sort of easy to find and they have that cool baby seat contraption in here. This is totally a place I would look forward to coming back to. It was bright, clean, and it wasn’t too busy. It has all the makings of a Five Star Review, except for the toilet paper. I was shocked by the quality of the one ply, and if you know me, I wouldn’t say something like that normally. The only drawback was when the toilet paper was being dispensed. I like to roll my toilet paper up, not use a shredded TP ball to wipe my ass. So with that being said, the Star Market in Porter Square scores a very commendable Four Stars.
You do know that we have a book out right? Did you know that the proceeds from the book will send me to another city? Well if you would like to see me rate bathrooms in your city, buy the book here.
Do you have any suggestions for me? Do you want to drop me a line and just say hi? Email me at; Secret.shitter617@gmail.comalso don’t forget to like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter.


Until next time, peace.


           So today we are traveling to the sort-of new retail mega-structure in Downtown Boston, Primark. Primark is relatively new European clothing retailer. Decent quality stuff for pretty cheap. I personally like European-style cloths, I think they fit me better. It probably has something to do with the fact that not everyone in Europe is a thick like us. I wish I was of a bigger build so that it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find cloths that fit me. But that is not the point of this, we need to get to what really matters, the bathroom.


            Ok so Primark took over the old Filenes in Downtown Crossing. Now there are four floors of clothing in this place, and roughly three and a half is dedicated to women’s clothing. So if you are a dude looking for a large selection, you will get one half of one floor. The rest is for the women. Now the restroom is located on the fourth floor. Getting up there is a pain in the ass. You have two options, take the elevator, or take the escalator. If you are on the escalator, chances are you will be just as cramped as you would on the elevators, except you won’t have to wait as long to get up there. At least you can gauge how slow your moving on the escalator. When you wait for the elevator, it seems to take an eternity to get to your floor. So I would advise that you take the escalator.
            Now once you make it up to the fourth floor, there are signs that point you to the bathroom. Although they are very hard to follow. The whole store is confusing like that. But a good way to find the bathroom is to look where the employee break room is. It is down that hall that you can find the bathroom. Great so you found where you are going, and you walk down the hall and what do you find? A single door, that houses one bathroom. It is multi-gendered, so there are no men’s or woman’s restroom here, just one shared bathroom. Considering the size of the store, I thought maybe I got lost or something and found the employee bathroom. But after reassurance from a Primark employee, I indeed found the bathroom. Well this is going to be different.
            I don’t even know what came over me to go through with this review. I could see the single file line gathering behind me, and I knew I was going in there to see what brown could do for me. So after what seemed like forever, it was finally my turn! I felt like a benchwarmer who the coach finally called in to play at the big game.
            I opened the door and what did I see? I saw a single solitary toilet in the far left corner. Now I got to say that this bathroom was massive! I mean you could have totally fit like two or three toilets in here, there is no need to have just one solitary toilet in this bathroom. Hell you could have cut it up into two bathrooms and maybe alleviated some of the bathroom lines, but then again, maybe that is how they do it in Europe.
            So I looked around for a coat hook, and found none. Well no worries, this bathroom is so large it does not really matter. You can stick your stuff on one side and they will be out of the way of any poo-water.
            So as I laid my booty down on the toilet, I started with the dirty deed of flushing out my colon. It could not have been thirty seconds into my poop before someone started knocking on the door. I had a feeling this would be a running theme. Sure enough just about every minute or so, there would be a knock at the door. Now I could have been in this bathroom for about four minutes’ tops. I must have spent a solid minute wiping my ass, and not to gross you out or anything but it was akin to wiping a wet marker. Try as I might, I just could not rid my anus of my poo-remnants.
            So in the process of all of this, I kept hearing these weird gurgling sounds coming from the pipes of the toilet. I thought it was kind of odd at first and I thought maybe there was another toilet located close by, but sure enough it was coming from this very toilet. I was starting to panic in here. Not only was the toilet making weird noises, but the shitty one-ply toilet paper was ripping me a new one. To make matters worse, my asshole refused to dry up. I thought I was going to run out of toilet paper, but thankfully I got rid of this awful duce-residue.
            As you can imagine, the knocks at the door got louder and more frequent. I even had what appeared to be an employee ask me if everything was alright. I assured him that I was almost done, but my asshole was like a wet marker so I would need an additional thirty seconds. I do not know how that employee took it, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I could never see his reaction.
            Now that I was done I went over to the manual sink and washed my hands up. Lo and behold right next to the sink was the cream of the crop, the Dyson Airblade. I took great joy in running my hands up and down the inside of this futuristic air dryer while the sounds of knocking grew louder and louder. I gathered up my bag and I headed out, only to see the line grew three times its’ size since before I got in there. I hope the stink didn’t offend anyone… Who am I kidding? I hope I gagged that bitchy lady who gave me the stink eye as I walked proudly out of that bathroom. Nobody fucks with my shit-time, and I mean nobody.
            So now that I was done doing what I do, much to the horror of everyone standing in line, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 1
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Décor: 1
Busyness: 5
Overall Rating: 1
            This bathroom is just as bad as the one-star rating indicates. I don’t know what is worse, having a drab all white design, or having fifty people knocking on the door while I am trying to take a dump. I get it that this is a shared bathroom, but you would think with a store of this size there would be two separate bathrooms for men and women to alleviate the strain on the line. I am not even sure if the employees have a separate bathroom to be honest. It looks like they put no effort into the design and placement of this bathroom. It almost feels like they went “oops, I guess we need to put one in here”. With four floors of retail space, that means it can hold quite a bit of people inside. When there are that many people sharing one bathroom, bad things are bound to happen. Shame on you Primark! I like your cheap clothing options, but your bathroom situation would offend Satan himself. This is absolutely the worse bathroom I have encountered outside of The Walgreens on School Street. Hell even Faneuil Hall’s hanging-on-for-dear-life door beats this bathroom. I have a feeling I would have had a better shitting experience if I had asked to use one of the Port-a-Pottys in the construction site next door. I would have at least been able to shit in peace.


            Now that you know about my experience, why don’t you tell me about some of your own in the comment section below. While you are at it, why not purchase our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 on Amazon and keep it in your purse or bag and never fear shitting again. Until next time, Peace. 

Corner Mall

              The Corner Mall is a small collection of stores located on Washington Street in the Downtown Crossing section of Boston. There is a pretty sizeable food court, which has more Chinese noodle places than you can shake a stick at. There is also a Dunkin’ Donuts and a sushi place. Personally I am a big fan of the Chinese knock off noodle joints, so after devouring a teriyaki chicken plate with some noodles, it is almost instantaneous that my stomach begins to get upset. You never know when the urge to drop down some brown u-dong noodles of your own will strike.
               There is a bathroom located on the basement level at the corner mall. It isn’t very hard to find once you get into the food court itself. There is a large sign that says “Additional Seating Available Downstairs”. Just follow the damn sign. It really isn’t that hard.
               Once you get downstairs there will be a plethora of tables and stools, and a lonely security guard sitting by himself looking at the entrances to the bathrooms wondering what his life has come to. The bathrooms share a common entrance. On the left hand side there is the men’s room, and on the right hand side there is the woman’s restroom. I would advise you to go to your gender’s respective facilities.
               Upon entering the men’s room, you will notice a stark change in atmosphere you are accustomed to. The men’s shitter is actually covered in black tiles. It is actually kind of weird when you really think about it. You are used to light, and airy colors when it comes to shitters. The stark change kind of leaves you bewildered, or maybe it is the smell of piss that permeates around you.
               If the smell is any indication about the cleanliness of this bathroom, you are in for a rough time shitting. I know the large homeless population uses this bathroom as their home base. This is probably the reason why there is security posted up down there. Anyways I seem to be getting off the topic. When I walked into the bathroom I couldn’t help but notice a junkie looking dude just washing his arm pits in the sink. I mean this dude had his duffle bag (which he most likely lives out of) on the ground, clothes all over the sink, and he was literally using that foamy soap to wash his pits. I do have to commend the gentleman on his hygiene, at least he won’t smell in public. I am sure that guy has bigger problems on his hands instead of worrying about little old lonesome me seeing him wash his pits with foam soap on a Friday afternoon.
               So to continue, there are only two stalls for you to make your choice. There is a handicap stall, and a normal sized stall. Now on this day the stall I would normally use (the handicap stall) was being occupied by a very boisterous shitter, so I had to opt for the normal man stall. I got inside of the stall and noticed how much of a chore it was to get the damn lock to well, lock. It was one of those situations similar to the Faneuil Hall North Building review, I had to make my shit as large-sounding as possible to ward off any would-be intruders.
               As I got the door situation under control, I had to find a place to hang my bag up. Unfortunately for yours truly, there was no coat hook available in this particular stall. It seems as though the hook itself had been taken completely off of the stall door. “this is fine, remember your training” I thought to myself. Usually I will just place the bag next to my feet and hope for the best. Well I had to kick away some toilet paper on this particular day. It seems like it was trying to soak up some unidentified liquid which was on the ground. Again, this isn’t really that big of an issue, I HAVE seen worse places than this before.
               So I go about my boo-pooping business. I was grunting and straining loud enough so others would know not to disturb me. In the process of doing this, I happened to glance down to my left and turned my attention to the toilet paper holder. Anxiety instantly came over my body. There was no fucking toilet paper in this stall! What is a secret shitter to do? Well upon further inspection I did notice that there seemed to be a roll lodged up in the top part of the toilet paper holder. Unfortunately, the damn thing was locked. On a side note, I had lost my keys a week prior. You might be asking yourself “why is this relevant to a story about shitting in a crappy strip mall”?  Well the reason why this becomes relevant is due to the fact that on my keys I had a Leatherman multi-tool. If I had the damn Leatherman, I would have been able to wedge the damn knife in the little key hole and unlock the fucking thing. However, the poop gods would not be with me on this day.
               Now I am a small guy, I lumber around at a staggering five foot two inches. Being on the shorter end of manhood, I have been granted the gift of having “petite” girly hands, as I call them. As I sit here shitting my brains out from the damn u-dong noodles, I am trying to size up the fucking toilet paper hole to save my underwear from becoming a victim of being used as improvised toilet paper. So now here I am shitting wedging my hand (wrist deep by the way) up this fucking toilet paper dispenser, hoping to Buddha that there are no needles stuck up there. What made it worse was every time I thought I had a grasp of the toilet paper, the gods would let it just slip upwards escaping my grip, and putting the toilet paper back into its’ original starting position at the top of the dispenser. Now I can continue with describing this terrible ordeal in great detail, but I will spare you today. All you need to know is that it took about fifteen minutes of me fucking around to get the damn toilet paper to drop.
               So after all of that fuss and excitement, I had to get the fuck out of that bathroom. Truth be told, I totally forgot to take any notes about the toilet paper quality. I vaguely remember it not being of the highest quality, but I cannot attest to anything concrete. If you guys and gals take anything away from these writings know this; I will report to you only the facts. Not a single fabrication is made in any of my writings. I will say that in the course of me wrestling the toilet paper dispenser, that there were innumerable amounts of people who came through that bathroom. I am actually shocked that this report has any pictures to go along with it.
               The only thing going for this bathroom is that the automatic flusher for the toilet was not on a time delay. Everything else in the handwashing department was also automatic. There was only one option for drying your hands, and as you can imagine, it was a shoddy old air dryer. After snapping the few pictures, I could, I got the hell out of that hell hole, vowing to myself that I would never come back, unless it was to piss.
               So now that you are in the know, I would like to turn your attention to the Secret Shitter Review. This review is based off of a five (5) star point system. Let us begin…
Number of Stalls: 2
Accessibility: 2
Stall comfort: 2
Cleanliness: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: N/A
Décor: 3.5
Cell Phone Reception: 2
Busyness: 4
Overall Rating: 1
               You are probably sitting there wondering why I gave this bathroom a ONE STAR RATING even though it didn’t score any ones on the review itself. Well if the damn junkie washing his fucking stank pits in the sink didn’t set the bar for the bathroom, the subsequent tussle with the toilet paper dispenser totally bombed the whole damn thing. I legit spent fifteen minutes wrestling with my hand wrist deep up the dispenser trying to extract toilet paper from it. I thought I had seen bad shitters, but this one sets the bar low here on season two. Now the astute reader will see that I have added a new category, which is Cell Phone Reception. After doing about twenty-three reviews, I think that this is something that also needs to be examined in full when going to the bathroom. How many people entertain themselves with their phone while they are shitting? I know everyone who reads this does, so don’t act like you don’t. As I said in the review I really couldn’t remember how bad the toilet paper itself actually felt. It could be average for all I know, but personally I don’t give a rat’s ass. You combine this with the fact that there are a boat load of people going in and out of the bathroom and you have yourself a recipe for a really bad review. The only positives to take out of this review is the fucking décor of the place, and even that only scored a tad higher due to the fact it was different, with its’ black and grey color scheme. So there you have it folks, the only high point about this shitter is the color scheme of the bathroom.

Do you love The Secret Shitter? Than you should totally head over to and buy our first collection of reviews: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1. It is only five American dollars, and you can read it on most smart phones while you are shitting! So head on over to and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 today!

There will also be a paperback version available of The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 available soon! 

City Target

               Good old City Target is our next Secret Shitter poo spot. Actually it isn’t an old one at all; it is the brand new Target which just opened up on Boylston Street in the Fenway section of Boston. This Target has three floors, and is conveniently located within the city. You can take the MBTA here, and do all of your shopping. Now personally I am not interested in any of that at all. I was finishing up my nightly Iced Americano from Starbucks when the sirens started to alarm me that a poop was imminent. So I headed inside the three floor building.
               There is an escalator directly ahead of you when you go through the main entrance. There is an elevator too which will bring you up to the second floor where the store begins as well. Now I am a man of swift action and I took to the escalator with the fury of a thousand Gods. I got to the top and on the opposite side of the wall past all of the cash registers, which were severely undermanned by the way, is where you will find the entrance to the hallway which will lead you to the porcelain promised land.
               Now you go down this red hallway, and turn to your right, and right there in front of you is the restrooms. There are also a family restroom and a woman’s restroom as well. Literally you cannot miss the hallway. It has big white letters which say “Bathrooms” on it.
               I walked in and I was taken aback by how large the space really is. I mean this is a huge bathroom as far as I am concerned. The weird thing though is that there are only two stalls in there. The rest is just urinals. Hopefully you will catch it when there aren’t that many people occupying the spaces. Why they would only build two stalls for shitting is beyond me. There is enough room for at least two more, with enough room leftover to accommodate four urinals. But I am not in the bathroom design business; I am in the shitting business.
               So unfortunately for me, the handicap stall what being taken by a rather loud pooting gentleman. So I went into the other stall and began my journey. Now the toilet itself looked kind of futuristic. I am picturing this type of toilet being on 2001: A Space Oddesy. But needless to say, there were both handrails in this normal stall, and there was a coat hanger to boot. Very large for a normal stall, but I don’t think you could fit a wheelchair in it, but you almost could.
               As I did my swinging arm test to gauge the stall size I did happen to notice how clean the facility was. There was literally nothing out of place on the floor and every lock, hinge, and apparatus worked as it should have. As I laid my sweet booty down for some poo time, I will say that this bathroom was incredibly busy even at night. If you are skittish about your poo tasks than I will say that you might want to find another bathroom to go to. I believe that I went around nine thirty at night, and the joint was still hopping. So just bear that in mind when you decide to enter the bathroom.
               Now the floor was white tiles with spots of beige in them. The walls were the atypical Target walls; they were bright white with red accent tiles. This is something they do across the corporate board. I would imagine that in every Target across the country each bathroom is set up with this décor in mind. So after seeing my third Target bathroom, there isn’t really anything new that jumped out to me. The stall dividers were metal, and that is pretty much that.
               After wrestling with my poo enemy, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper in this facility. Although it was technically two ply, it was subpar at best. You would think that in a new place they would at least up their TP game a little, but sadly this is not the case. This is most likely a Georgia-Pacific Generic Two Ply #183. Needless to say my asshole was not happy with the choice of toilet paper from this particular Target.
               Now that the automatic flusher took every down, I sadly had to end my adventure. I went to go wash my hands, which by the way everything was automated; the water, soap, and air dryer. The peculiar thing about the sinks is that they kind of look like dog bowls. They are high vanity like sinks, which seem like somebody tried to put an effort into the design of the bathroom with, but they just look fucking horrible. They look like those bowls you spit into at the dentist’s office. They are just completely awkward and seem out of place in my opinion. I will commend them on giving the vanity a little color, it seems like off-white beige to be honest, but it totally doesn’t fit in the bathroom. The other thing I did notice on my way out the door was that there was a cleaning list for the week hung up on the door as you exit. So at least it is going to be kept clean.

               So now that I am done doing the poo-doo that I do, it is time to turn your attention to my Secret Shitter Five Star Review. Now remember folks this is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 2.5
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 4
Décor: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 4
Overall Rating: 3

               I will give the City Target a solid 3 on my scale. Partly due to the accessibility and cleanliness factor (which is what you look for in a bathroom) but the other negatives outweigh the positives. What good is it if you have people knocking at the door, or shitty toilet paper? Yeah you can find this bathroom, yeah it is big, and yes it is clean, but the largeness of the bathroom is to accommodate like five urinals. I don’t think it matters what time you go here because it is going to be busy as hell regardless of the time of day. You are going to either encounter rush hour shoppers, or people going to shop before, and after they get off of work if they go to work at irregular hours. The toilet paper in this place leaves a little more to be desired. The décor is a generic Target bathroom design, so that is what it is, but those dog bowl looking sinks are ugly as sin. However If you are looking for a place that is centrally located to poo-poo than the City Target makes for a more than adequate place to shit. Even though there are better places to shit literally across the street, sometimes when nature calls, you can’t put her on hold. 

Barnes and Noble at Kenmore Square

Photo: Secret Shitter
               This is our first user generated review! Thanks to Secret Shitter enthusiast Dave, we are up and on our way to our next location, The Barnes and Nobel at Kenmore Square. I have been in this particular bookstore only a handful of times, and I never knew there was a shitter here. So big ups to you Dave for giving us the word about this new poop spot.
                As I have said before I have been in this place only a handful of times. There is no real signage that points to any restrooms, but I guess that makes sense. At another Barnes and Nobel in the Copley Mall they have one, so why wouldn’t the one in Kenmore Square?
                I was so taken aback that I never noticed this that Dave had to tell me where it was. I started on my trek having gotten out of work early for a change, and it just so happened that the stars aligned and I had to shit on my way to the train station.
                When you first walk into the Barnes and Nobel in Kenmore you immediately see a Starbucks on your right, followed by a large Boston University Campus Store to your diagonal left. Pay no attention to either of these things. They are just there for distracting you from your ultimate goal, taking a beefy shit. What you want to do is go directly ahead and step onto the escalator which will take you to the second floor. Once you are on the second floor you are almost at your goal. You want to head to your immediate right and walk down the hallway past all of the bargain book deals. There will be two rooms directly ahead of you. There is a Magazine room, and to the left of that there is a hallways that says “Exit”. The exit hallway is where you want to head to. Inside that hallway you will find two restrooms, one for the ladies, and one for the men. I would advise you to go into your respective shitter.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                There is a sign outside of the door that says, “if restroom is locked it means it is in use”. This means wonderful things for your pooping experience. Just think, a restroom all to yourself inside of the Kenmoresquare area. I knocked on the door, and didn’t hear an answer, so with my buttocks percolating I headed inside.
                I locked the door behind me, then I tried to find the coat hanger to hang my bag, which I could not locate. So looking around I decided it was safe to lay my bag on the ground and I proceeded to do the poo-thing. This was a one stall private commode. One that very few people know about and is hidden from plain sight. I sat down on the toilet and proceeded to unfurl my butt grumpies on the unsuspecting toilet below.
                There really wasn’t much in the area of décor for this restroom. There were white tiled walls, and there was a very nice shade of maroon floor tiles. The bathroom didn’t have an atypical industrial look, but felt generic nonetheless. There was tagging on the interior of the door. Although I could not make out what was written down, nor did I try too hard to decipher it. The bathroom itself looked to be in good condition outside of the few scraps of toilet paper huddled against the right side wall. It appears that this gets cleaned on the regular, so there is no need for worries here. There was also a cool looking bright orange plunger sitting in the corner in case the shit didn’t go down all the way.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The cool thing about this bathroom was how quiet it was. It was actually so quiet while I was pooping I could feel the woman’s room toilet flush, I don’t quite know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I will put it in the “wasn’t expecting that” category. Throughout the course of my nine plus minuet poop, I only had one knock on the door towards the end of the experience. Upon leaving it looked like a very timid Japanese guy, who was unsuspectingly walking into a nasty ass-fog, I didn’t stick around too long to hear his cries of help.       
                There underneath the baby changing station was the make or break item for the bathroom. Here was where the toilet paper lived. Wadding up the demon sandpaper I could feel my asshole cringing with pain already. The generic one ply toilet paper, my old nemesis. How a place thinks it is ok to put this on display for the public to use is beyond me. I find this usage absolutely horrendous and I have half a mind to tell Dave next time he suggests something to go stick it, but I am a nice guy, I just have an irritable anus.
                After wiping my behind the automatic flusher took all of my meaty offerings down to the mole people. I turned my attention to the manual sink and soap. After the handwashing deed went off without a hitch, I took to the only option for hand drying, which was paper towels. Then that is when the timid Japanese man knocked on the door, and I was out and away, knowing my secret would be safe, for now…
Photo: Secret Shitter
                So now that we are done talking about our first user generated poop-review, let’s get into The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember some of these categories you want low, like Busyness, while others you want high, like Toilet Paper Quality. So now that you have a little bit of an idea of how this works, I guess it is time to put The Barnes and Nobel of Kenmore Squareto the test.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 3.5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 3.25
                I would like to say thanks to Dave for giving us a look at an often overlooked solid three shitter at The Barnes and Nobel in Kenmore Square. I would not have known about this shitter if it weren’t for him, which is actually pretty cool. I have been in here a few times and I never noticed the bathrooms in here. Maybe I am stupid, but I am going to chalk that up to the bathroom just being really well hidden. That is exactly what I look for when I am seeking out new poo-spots around the city. It was really well hidden, and I only had one knock at the door, which was pretty awesome. The stall was fairly clean as well. The place was really clean too. It seems like they clean it on the regular which is awesome to know especially deep in the heart of the city. I enjoyed the marron floors as well, but the tagging on the wall brought the cleanliness rating down a tad. I expected that though, I mean this is a free toilet in the city, and where else is better to go and mark your turf? Anyways, the place was clean, the stall was low use, and it was well hidden from the dredges of society, so why did it score so low? Well to be frank, it is the toilet paper quality. With toilet paper of this caliber I cannot give it a higher score even if I wanted to. Remember this is about finding the best shitter’s in the city; you can’t just give out top scores all willy nilly. That would devalue the toilets that did score in the top echelon. The toilet paper here might have well been stocked by the devil himself. There was nothing pleasant about the wiping experience in this bathroom. You see I got all excited about the fact that one of my readers actually pointed me to a bathroom that I didn’t know about. And I really wanted to give it a higher score based on that alone, but sadly I can’t. I mean this is totally a serviceable shitter in its’ own right, and I thank you Dave for showing this shitter to me. However I can’t give it a higher score unless the toilet paper situation changes. So until next time folks, remember to shit with pride!

Photo: Secret Shitter
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Target (Revere)

                I was walking and finishing up my errands that I had to do when I turned over to my right to see the giant sign beckon my name. Even though it said, Bathrooms, I still felt as though God came down and touched my tummy and made me have to shit. Thankfully our next location fit the bill; the Target in Revere.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I had been over by the Big Lots by mistake looking for something. I was in Target looking to get some cheap vitamins in case you were wondering. I am having oral surgery in a couple of days (at the time of this writing) and my oral surgeon told me that taking vitamins before surgery will help rapidly speed up the healing process. But enough of my problems, let’s get onto the shit.
                The bathrooms in Target are very accessible to the public. When you first walk into the store there is a small hallway on your right by the customer service center. That is where the sign leads you to where the bathrooms are. Now there are three bathrooms here, one for the men, one for the ladies, and one for the families. I have never been inside of a family restroom before, but I couldn’t bring myself to being able to occupy it. I kept thinking that a family with a screaming kid would be outside of the door, and cut my poop short. So I respected all of the potential screaming kids, and their parents and headed inside of the men’s room.
                There are three stalls as you walk in. Two are the normal kind, and the other is a handicap one. Unfortunately for us, the handicap one was being use by someone. So I opted to use a regular shitter this time. The stalls are noticeably smaller than the handicap ones, and personally I do not like it in any way, shape, or form. I am thankful that the stall had a coat hanger on it to hold my bag. If it didn’t than lying the bag at my feet would have made this experience all too cramped for me, and I wouldn’t have gone through with my shit.
                So let’s back up a bit and talk about the décor of the commode. It was very bright white. The floors were white tiled, and so were the walls. Along the top of the walls were red square tiles that ran across the border of the bathroom horizontally adding a little bit of contrast. Another item adding to the contrast was the shiny silver stall dividers. Now normally I just think it is cheap to have these dividers the way they are. They have to come from the factory that way. But in a way it added to the overall experience, and it was actually kind of nice.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I will say that for some reason on this day I was having terrible shits. Like the kind that accompany loud and boisterous farts. Well even though nobody else walked into the bathroom during my approximate seven minuet shit, there was still the gent using the handicap stall for a good four and a half minutes as I was pooping. So even though we were trading farts like two warring ships at sea, the place remained desolate.
                After the other rather gassy gentlemen left the room after going blow for blow with me, I was able to take a look around and sort of get my bearings. I usually go out on these excursions after work, which is at nighttime. So usually I am alone, but I can picture if a place is going to be busy or not. Actually as of late I have been making my rounds in the mid afternoon. Anyways, none of that is important, but what is important is what comes after the shit.
                You guessed it, it is time for me to play fire with the devil himself and clean up my butthole. Now the toilet paper dispenser was actually empty when I visited this particular bathroom. But sitting on top of the dispenser was a roll of Scott brand toilet paper. The only reason why I knew it was Scott Brand was because there was a wrapper on the adjacent stalls floor. This toilet paper was soft and supple as it careened around the bumpy surfaces of my sphincter. It felt quite nice considering this was a Target and all. I was not expecting this level of toilet paper from this retailer.
                Now after the auto flusher disposed of my buried treasure I was able to step out of the stall a new man. After washing my hands in the manual sink, with a manual soap dispenser I was able to take a look around and inspect how clean this bathroom truly was. Surprisingly as I dried my hand at the only option, air dryer, I really didn’t seem to find any blemishes with this bathroom. It was bright, and it was clean. The walls were clean from and bathroom poetry, and outside of the Scott label sitting on the middle floor, there was no other dirt or grime that I could really see. So if you are a part of the team that works at Target in Revere, than I would like to commend you on your bathroom’s cleanliness.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                OK so now that we know all about my experience blow-for-blow, in this bathroom, why don’t we make some time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now for all of you new readers out there, this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars. Ok do you have it? Cool, let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 4.5
Stall Comfort: 3
Busyness: 2
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 4
Overall Rating: 4
Photo: Secret Shitter
I am giving this bathroom at Target in Revere the distinct honor of the second highest tear in our rating system. Now I should probably dock them some points and kick them down to the three level because of the vacant toilet paper dispenser, but this time I won’t. the reason is because they replaced it with a high level, top quality name brand toilet paper in its’ place. Scott is what I usually buy, so the fact that this target put in all the comforts of home, while I was away from my home, totally earned them the extra point. I know it is like I can be bought, but hopefully in my poop crusade, people start noticing this, and start putting in top notch toilet paper in their establishments. Anyways we are getting off topic here. So yeah the toilet paper was good, but that isn’t the sole factor for such a high score. The accessibility is another factor in this. I mean how can you beat the location. It is literally right as you walk in. Now I could see this being a little bit of a headache if you are out in some of the back isles shopping, but ultimately I really don’t think it would be that big of an issue to be honest. Plus you have to remember how far some people are coming from. Maybe they got stuck in traffic, and they really have to pee or shit? Well it is literally right there as you walk in. You don’t have to trek through the store behind little old ladies window shopping, just come right on in and go to town. To me, that is another factor in giving this such a high score. Another positive attribute about this bathroom is that it is very fucking clean. Like nothing on the ground. There is no piss all over the floors like you get in some places. Just good old fashioned American Pride. I mean really the only knock that I can even find in this place is the décor of the restroom. If they completely redesigned it, and put a little more effort into the thought process, than this would be a slam dunk hidden treasure along the North Shore. It would also be the first five star facility this side of the tunnel. But unfortunately it isn’t. Now that doesn’t mean that the bathroom décor doesn’t work. But compared to other places there is no wild-factor that makes me want to give it five stars. Plus even though I went on and on about how the bathroom was relatively quiet, I can imagine this bathroom getting quite hectic at times. Not just with grown men, but with little kids, and babies and shit. So that is also why I am a tad gun-shy about pulling the trigger on this place and sending it to the top of the pantheon. However either way you will be in for quite an enjoyable shit. So with that said, The Target in Revere is more than adequate to service your pooping needs. Until next time people, happy shitting.

Also tomorrow September 8th is my 30th birthday! Just thought you would like to know. 

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Staples (Landmark Center)


Photo: Secret Shitter

         Staples is your go-to store for office supplies and knick-knacks of the professional sort. It is a large retail chain in the United States, and I am sure I do not need to really explain any back story of the company to you guys. After all you have to be pretty smart, and savvy to read The Secret Shitter. The location of this Staples is in the Landmark Center. I believe that the actual name of the street is Park Drive, but I could be wrong. Either way, I will figure it out by the end of this post.

                OK so enough of the jibber jabber. I was walking around the Staples by my work, looking for what I don’t know. When I was in the back right corner of the store by the office desks, I saw a sign that sent shockwaves right to my bowels. The sign said, “Public Restrooms”. Oh my lord, I didn’t even know this place had a bathroom for the general public, I thought that the only bathroom on premise was the one in the upper level of the Landmark Center (which we did a very good review on if I do say so myself). So like a voodoo priest, I squeezed my voodoo dolls’ lower abdomen, and away I went…
                Now this bathroom was really well hidden. That is just what the doctor ordered. I always love discovering Secret Shitters around the city. Even though I am not the first to poop in them, I get great pleasure when someone tells me, “I didn’t know there was a bathroom in there”. Now this meets The Secret Shitter’ssecret criteria.
                The bathroom itself was small. It boasted only one handicap stall and a urinal. It seemed more like something that employees use rather than the public. I am not quite sure how many people outside of me go out of their way to explore new places to poo.
                Now when I entered the stall I went to look for a coat hanger, only to realize that there wasn’t any to be found. This is probably due to the bathroom mostly being an employee one. The walls were bright white. The floor was a generic grey tile. And the stall divider was white as well. There really wasn’t anything to write about décor wise. It was actually a little bland and boring. However what it lacked in looks it totally made up for by the fact that I was left entirely alone for about fifteen minutes while I pooped. Sometimes piece of mind is the best thing. I was able to inspect this bathroom fully and thoroughly.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now that I was pretty much done soaking up everything around me I guess it was time for the dreaded toilet paper test. I looked down to my right and discovered that the dispenser was completely empty. But fear not readers, sitting on top of the dispenser like a gift from God himself, was a roll of Charmin Brand two ply cushioned toilet paper! Maybe someone in the Staples on Park Drive was reading this blog. Maybe they knew I already struck once at the Landmark Center, and I would strike again. Or maybe they were just too damn lazy to change out the toilet paper in the dispenser and just grabbed a roll off of the shelf. Either way that is a win in my book.
                After my delightful romp, I noticed that there was a manual flusher. Along side of the toilet were a plunger, and a brush. Maybe this was some kind of omen? I went to flush the toilet once, only to find a little bit of paper was taken down the drain. I thought to myself, “This is where we get discovered”. I flushed for a second time, this time I was holding down the lever for a while in hopes that is what I needed to do to get rid of the brown snake lurking in the lake. Again, nothing happened but a little bit of toilet paper went down. Now I just want to tell the readers that this was no monster dump. It wasn’t like it was peaking out of the water or anything. This was just your standard poop. I tried for a third time, which was the charm in this case because that is when the might brown finally went down the tubes.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now there was a manual sink, and a manual soap dispenser. There was also an option for towels to dry your hands. However, just like the toilet paper, it seems whomever is in charge of filling these up just didn’t feel like doing that and in its’ place was a roll of paper towels. I believe I remember seeing a Bounty wrapper sitting in the trash receptacle. So again, their laziness is your gain!
                Well folks there you have it. Now that you have heard the tale of my poop, it is time to see how The Staples on Park Drive competes in The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember ladies and gentlemen that this is out of a possible five (5) stars. Some of the items you want high, such as TP quality, while in other categories you want low like busyness. The number of stalls is solely made up of how many stalls there are present in the bathroom. I believe that the less stalls the better, but that is entirely up to interpretation. Like if the area is a high traffic area, having a low number of stalls is a bad thing, but in a case like we have seen with The Custom House Marriott Hotel, it can be a good thing too. I was wondering when people would start asking me questions about the review. Thankfully no one has and you guys just take my word for it, but I figured after all these posts I should give you a little bit of insight into my thought process. Now that I am done blabbing about my crazy methods let us begin shall we?
Photo: Secret Shitter

Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating: 5
                But-but Secret Shitter, how did the Staples on Park Drive score into the highest category? Well readers sit around and I will tell you a tale about a hidden bathroom oasis far away from people. Actually the biggest factor in my decision is how exclusive this bathroom is. I don’t believe anyone is actually walking around in that part of the store except employees. And the few people, who do pass by there and notice it, probably do not use it. After all it is a Staples, but how wrong you are. Now the décor actually scores very low on my list, but I am willing to overlook that in this case. Mainly because I feel like I am a part of some exclusive club who poops in that bathroom. I mean why else would there be Charmin or Bounty just readily available for the public to use? There wouldn’t be. No walls in the bathroom were tagged with anything stupid either (which sank the Big Lots in Revere, if you remember). This is just a spot for the male employees to use whenever they feel the need to poo. However my knowledge is totally your gain. That is what this blog is about after all. So now that you know the secret don’t go and start tagging the place up. When you do slip in, just walk with an air of cockiness that you know the secret poo spot. Now imagine the kind of power you hold knowing this information when you go to the Red Sox Games? The Landmark Center is just up the street on Brookline Ave. It also shares the property with the Fenway MBTA stop. If you use the Kenmore MBTA stop when you go to Sox games you are in for a sweaty ride from hell. I would much rather walk the extra five minutes and take a dump in this haven of a bathroom, than use any stall located anywhere within the vicinity of Fenway Park during game days. Well there you have it folks, you just found yourself a very secret poo-stop where you can be alone, without the fear of people barging in on you. Until next time, happy shitting!

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Quincy Market


Exterior Shot, Photo: Secret Shitter

Quincy Market is another one of Boston’s landmarks turned-tourist-trap. It shares the same property as Faneuil Hall. While Faneuil Hall is the Mall, Quincy Market would be the food court. Most of the restaurants that inhabit this place are along the middle walkway of the building. There are a few sit down restaurants including; Dick’s Last Resort, Cheers, and Wangamama. Most of the restaurants inside are set up side-by-side in different stalls. There is one large rotunda located in the center of the building where you can sit down and enjoy your meal. That is if you can find a seat to call your own.

     Now with all this said and done it is time  to get down to the brown business of sorts. The Secret Shitter spares no one when it comes to my pooping follies, and why would Quincy Market be any different? So how exactly does one get to this place? Well you have to be on the right side of the building. It is the same side where the Urban Outfitters is located. Now they are doing some work on the building so the traditional way to get to the shitters is blocked off. You have to enter in the door by the WangamamaNoodle place. You turn to your right, keeping the push carts on your left, and walk straight down until you can walk any more. You will see an illuminated sign that points down the short flight of stairs that says “bathrooms”.
Door you need to enter, photo: Secret Shitter


                Now thankfully I went a little later in the night. It is not unusual to have to wait in line to use the bathroom here. This place is jam-packed with people and it reflects in the number of toilets they have on premise. This place has a total number of four stall to choose from. Three of which are regular, and the other one is a handicap stall. I shat here on two different occasions and used both; the handicap stall, and one of the regular ones. This particular article doesn’t really make a difference which stall you use because the outcome will remain the same except the handicap stall has more legroom.
                One of the first things I noticed after getting into the bathroom was the overpowering smell of piss. It was like someone just whipped out their Willy and decided to mark the entire bathroom as their territory. Now I don’t think it was just someone pissing all over the stalls, this bathroom also has like ten urinals inside, so that is a lot of people taking a piss.
                As I sat down there I couldn’t help but feel like a countdown clock had been started. This bathroom is busy at all hours of the day and night. There is a constant sound of the air dryers going off. I used this to my advantage by having the air dryer mask the sounds of my meaty shit. This particular day I demolished the toilet, I am sure my father is looking down on me with his heart bursting with pride. So as I said I felt like the countdown clock had been started. This is because I got at least four knocks at the door by people looking to use the shitter. If you cannot poop under pressure and get nervous when others are nearby, I would suggest finding a more secluded spot to take your dump.
Leftover TP, Photo: Secret Shitter
                The décor in here was really nothing to write home about. Actually it was rather bland. It did look decent as a bathroom could be but there seemed to be no ambition on the part of the designers. The walls were white. They were also tiled. The floor was green with what looked like black speckled pebbles intertwined in the tile design. I liked it to be honest, but I have a trained eye. If you were to just walk in here and pee or shit quickly than the floor would appear to be a dark green. The stall dividers were of the customary silver plated variety. Again this bathroom is more for convenience than for looks.
                However for how busy this bathroom was, it was very well maintained all things considered. There were wet spots blotted all over the floor but I was expecting that and wasn’t too shocked to find them. All the toilet paper rolls were filled and looked well maintained. Nothing in this bathroom seemed to be out of order. However I did overhear someone talking to themselves in the adjacent stall saying, “how the hell did they get this much piss all over the place”? So take my word here with a grain of salt. There are a number of different stalls, and I might have just been lucky on this day.
                Now with a bathroom that goes through this many people one would think that they would have one of those sandpaper-esq toilet papers. I am proud to report to you that this place had average quality two ply toilet paper. It definitely is not going to win them any awards, but it is not the worst that has touched my bum.
                With the majority of the review all wrapped up, I guess it is that time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that this system is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 1
Busyness: 5
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 3
Accessibility: 3
Overall Rating: 2

Secret Shitter’s Shitty Map, Quincy Market

                Quincy Market scored a two on the Secret Shitter’s Review. There are a few reasons for and against giving it this low of a score. But it is my blog and I make the rules, so that is my story and I am sticking to it. See I like to find stalls that are out of the way. I liken it to an adventure, if you will. Now I knew walking in here that I wasn’t going to score it very high. I had used this bathroom hundreds of times on my walks to Aquarium MBTA Station when I used to drink. It is convenient and it is open for a good chunk of the day, and nobody is going to give you shit for using it. However, this bathrooms’ busyness factor is the sole reason it scored so low; if the number of stalls wasn’t any indication. Now I really could give a shit less whether or not the bathroom is busy. If I got to go, I got to go. But man, was this bathroom off the chain. There were people changing in there, and to top it off I got the door knocked on at least four times. That has to be some kind of record. Now remember this bathroom had three additional stalls, and I was still having my door knocked on several times. I don’t know if it was junkies, or homeless people (who were changing in the bathroom) but people, give me a fucking break! I am trying to take a shit here, and I am not going to hurry my experience when I have important reporter stuff to do! That is why this bathroom scored so low. Now, if I were a power-dumper, than this place would be perfect for me. But I like to savor the flavors in life and take my time doing so. Plus it always wigs me out when people start knocking on the door. I feel almost scared in a way. I mean all there is blocking them from coming in is a hallow piece of aluminum, which could easily be kicked in. If I were a thieve, I would be robbing people blind while they had their pants around their ankles. What the hell are you going to do, stand up and fight with your pants around your ankle and your dick blowing in the wind? Well yeah, I totally got off topic there, but you get my point nonetheless. So if you are looking for a place to take a quick piss, this bathroom is awesome, but if you are looking to take a dump, and it turns out you might be a while. Than I would really consider finding a different bathroom, however in times of need, this is a perfectly serviceable place to lay down your brown seed. Alright people thanks for reading and remember that your shit time is your time, and don’t compromise it for anyone!
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