Category Archives: Restaurant/Bar

Hartford Connecticut: Quiznos Woman’s Room on Trumbull Street

We are about to embark on a journey. The likes of which we IMG_20160330_184752_373have never seen here at The Secret Shitter. We are about to go where no man has documented before. I am talking about shitting where we have never shat before, the ladies room inside of the Quiznos on Trumbull Street.

The air was brisk on this day in late spring in the much prettier-than-expected city of Hartford, Connecticut. I had just finished up eating an Italian chicken sub when I was overcome with the feeling of an imminent shit. I had gotten up from my seat and started my “poop dance” when I charged towards the men’s room. My plans seemed to have been dashed because there was someone already feeling the burn of a nasty Quiznos dookie.

The very nice cashier noticed that I was in distress and said, “Just go use the women’s room.” For your clarification purposes, I repeatedly asked twice if it was ok to do so and she continuously said, “yes.” Not only was my anus tingling from the sub-par lunchmeat concoction I ate, it was also tingling with the very thought of a new adventure into the woman’s room.

So the women’s room was positioned to the left of the men’s IMG_20160330_184752_388room. This bathroom was just like any other that I have baked my own butt-nuggets in. This was a lone shitter in a private bathroom. The door locked behind you ensuring that no one was going to disturb your dook. In Connecticut, they have these strange bars that come down like a roller coaster bar, like the ones that are to prevent you from flying all over the place. It actually makes more sense to have these in bathrooms than the bars screwed into the walls like we are used to. I would imagine that they provide more “ease of pooping” for our shitters with disabilities. Every time I took a shit with one of these I would pull down the bar and pretend I was strapping myself in for a rocket launch. This stall was particularly large. It had enough room to move around in, and more.

This was a pretty bland and corny color scheme. The floor IMG_20160330_184752_432looked like a rock ate at Quiznos and threw up all over the place. It was pinkish overall, but it had some black and browns speckled in there. There was a cabinet with extra toilet paper above the toilet. There were two half-full toilet paper rolls on the wall right next to a little trashcan (also wall-mounted) for tampons and pads I would imagine. The walls were white and canary yellow. The fixtures and cabinets were a mixture of white and metal. I give them an A for effort, but the overall scheme and layout just fall flat.

I will say that this bathroom was very well maintained. It IMG_20160330_184752_446looks like the people who work here take pride in their presentation and cleanliness. More businesses should follow the example of the hard-working men and women of the Quizzos on Trumbull Street. Nothing was out of place and you could eat in there if you wanted to. Although, personally I would recommend not doing that.

Well overall when I was shitting nobody knocked. It was a good thing too because I don’t know what the woman would have done if she heard my clearly male voice amid the sounds of my butt-band playing their latest hits. I did, however, find myself in this predicament because the men’s room was occupied. I would think that in the height of the lunchtime rush this would probably not be the place where one would want to shit, especially in the opposite gender’s bathroom.

This toilet paper was top-notch. I will say that in my notes it just says; “solid four-star toilet paper” and nothing more. I vaguely seem to remember it being soft and having the little ridges. I did try IMG_20160330_184752_418to open the cabinets above the toilet to try to peep at the brand of toilet paper they buy, but the cabinet was locked. As of right now it is a mystery, but I have my suspicions that it could be Angel Soft brand toilet paper.

Now you know about how the other half poops, let’s begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember that these rating are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 3
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4.5

 

For my first trip into a ladies’ room this scored pretty high on my review! The toilet paper was a higher quality, and it was very clean. I know some women who have read these reviews have told me that woman’s rooms are disgusting. I have no way of knowing that, I don’t use the women’s room. Prove me right (or wrong) in the comment section below. We are living in a strange time in American history. With discussions about transgender rights and which IMG_20160330_184752_403bathrooms you can, and cannot use, I literally did not notice anything different. The toilets were not shaped differently, and there wasn’t anything in there that I already haven’t seen. Yeah I will say that the little wastebasket up on the wall was different, but it isn’t something I haven’t seen before. It wasn’t like someone was writing on the walls with their bloody tampon or anything. It was a toilet, a sink, and a hand dryer. Personally I do not see the difference here. Granted this was a private bathroom. But in a shared bathroom I have never once been interested in peeping in on someone taking a shit. You have a better chance of someone accidentally walking in on you, mid-push. I must say that my dick doesn’t even wiggle a little bit at the thought of the sight.

There is a much bigger problem which looms overhead. I do not know how much clearer I can be when I say there are three different types of people who take shits in this world, and they are – Men, Women, and Children. That’s it. There is not fourth type of person, there are only – Men, Women, and Children. I wish that people who are so disconnected from the situation would just mind their own business. We have seen this problem before with segregated bathrooms. We realized as a country that the very notion of forcing people to go to a different bathroom based on ill-conceived perceptions were barbaric, and unethical.

The only shit-slinging that should be down is from anus-to-toilet. It should not be from right-to-left, or left-to-right.  The more they divide us, they more power they hold. Up until this point in time we haven’t had a problem until someone decided to make it one. I am calling on all of the readers to take the cashiers’ lead and if you see someone in trouble, just fucking help them out. I know when I have to take a shit or a piss that is not the point in time to start a discussion about bathroom rights. I just have to take a shit or a piss, is it really that difficult to get? Undivided we stand, constipated we fall.

Massachusetts: Pret A Manger

A late night dookie stop was in order for our next location. I IMG_20160420_205516_785was kind of hungry and almost at State Street MBTA station when I spotted our next location. I got overcharged for a different sandwich, and in consolation they let me shit in their bathrooms. So without further stalling, I give you our next location, Pret A Manger.

Pret A Manger is a UK-Based retail coffee and sandwich shop. They make overpriced sandwiches which really aren’t that good. I was really hungry but even worse was the shit I had to take. It was like a long knife had been piercing my insides. By the time I actually made it to the register, the shit that was about to come out of my ass, it felt like throwing a bunch of rocks on a hammock. You know eventually it is going to burst and all of the rocks are going to come crashing down.

After I paid for my food I kindly asked the cashier if I couldIMG_20160420_205516_681 use the restroom. He said, “absolutely, the code will be printed on the ticket to get into the bathroom along with the WIFI password”. You did hear that right, they print the fucking bathroom codes on your receipt. I know sometimes I am too busy to be bothered looking at my receipts, and maybe this is a way of ensuring you bought something gaining you access to the bathroom. Well no need to bother buying something, because the code is: 7467.

The men’s restroom is located around the corner from the to-IMG_20160420_205516_697go sandwiches. You walk down that little hallway, and it is right there on your left. Pop in the code, and you have just gained access to the bathroom! Now when I entered my code I was startled at what I found. There was a woman worker in there cleaning the bathroom! I mean she was right in the thick of it. Scrubbing bubbles were everywhere and the toilet water was a soapy mess. She seemed just as startled as me, and she quickly excused herself. I was left alone in the bathroom with all of the cleaning supplies all to myself.

The only one saving grace to all of this was, at least I knew that the bathroom was going to be the cleanest it was going to get. I personally had to take the paper towel roll off of the baby changing station and wipe down the toilet seat myself. Honestly it wasn’t too bad, but it was still a minor inconvenience.

After I started unloading my anal arsenal on the soapy waters below, I started to feel bad for the poor girl who had to come back in and clean up directly after me. I normally don’t feel bad for people IMG_20160420_205516_711but she was going to be in the direct line of fire of my ass gas. This place was stinking up fast! Nevertheless, she really had no choice, and the bathroom itself is a large, private room too. So at least it was only on toilet to clean!

The décor in here was nothing short of atrocious. The walls were white tiles, which lined each of the walls the full length from floor to ceiling. The floor was this awful anti-slip industrial tiles. I would expect to find that kind of a floor inside of a factory, not a bathroom. I have really only seen this type of flooring in walk-in coolers and freezers when I was a cook. I guess the only good thing about the flooring is that it is quite impossible to slip and fall in here. Score one for the business man?

After my soapy shit explosion was done, I had to go and turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now since the bathroom was being cleaned there was no toilet paper in the holders that were on the wall. I assume she was changing them out when I walked in. Instead, they were sitting on the handicap bar, on the right side of the toilet. IMG_20160420_205516_725These were big rolls. Now normally bigger isn’t always better. Anytime I have done battle with the toilet paper rolls of this size I have always lost. But I thought that this would be different. These industrial sized rolls were quite soft! They didn’t exactly clean up my butt too well, so I had to use more than I normally would, but at least they were soft. Juggling a roll of that size while trying to clean myself up was nothing short of extraordinary. The rolls kept falling off of the side bar onto the floor.

I remember having to manually flush the toilet, even though it had automatic capabilities. The sink and soap were both manual. There was an air dryer in here exclusively for you to dry your hands, but I took advantage of the cleaning supplies that were left in here and wiped my hands with the paper towels that were supposed to be used for cleaning up the room.

With a tip of my cap, and relief in my belly I bid farewell to Pret A Manger. All that is left to do is to go onto the review! Remember The Secret Shitter’s review is based on a five-star rating…

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 4
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 3.5

 

Pret A Manger came in at a respectable 3.5 Stars. I know that this evaluation will be a little skewed due to the time that I went to use the restroom. I came in pretty close to closing time. The girl cleaning the restroom would be an indication of that. So this is the bathroom in its’ purest form. All thriller, no filler. There wasn’t reallyIMG_20160420_205516_739 anyone to knock on the doors, and as I said the place was clean as hell. I didn’t like the fact that I had to wipe off the scrubbing bubbles lingering on the toilet seat. I kept slipping and sliding around the fucking toilet seat. That was no good, but at least I know it was clean and disinfected. The décor was terrible, and I admired the use of the industrial flooring, but ultimately it was awful. I did like the toilet paper; it was a lot better than the ones I have used before.

With its’ location I am hesitant to give it any more than three stars, IMG_20160420_205516_754this place is located right outside of the State Street train station on Washington Street, so you know it is a lot busier than this. Overall, I would say in off-peak hours this is a great place to go and take a shit. Peak hours, however, might yield different results.  Readers take caution…

 

OK so that is all said and done with. Now it is time for shameless self-promotion time. Send me your recommendations for places to take a shit around New England. If you are lucky enough I will pick your location and give you a shout out! If you didn’t notice, there was no posts from Wednesday through Friday last week. This is due to me trying to learn Photoshop. So I got a tad bit too carried away, and totally forgot to write… I am also working on creating our own storefront for the site. This way you don’t have to go through a third party to buy our stuff. I will keep you guys posted on that when I know more.

Wendy’s – Revere MA

IMG_20160207_010326_85Where’s the beef? Is the iconic catch phrase from our latest location, The Wendy’s in Revere, Massachusetts. Wendy’s was founded in 1969 by Dave Thomas. As of 2015 the fast-food chain boasted 6487 locations worldwide*. However, I sincerely think that you are not interested in the history and background of the restaurant. I am more than sure that you are interested in the shit I took at the location.

Well normally we don’t review bathrooms which you have to buy anything. This bathroom is no exception, but I would urge you to proceed with caution if you want to use it. I really don’t think any of the workers care enough if you use the bathroom without purchasing something first. This could be speculation, but I did not buy anything when I used this restroom. I could be an anomaly, but I highly doubt it.

OK so you do not want to get caught attempting to use the bathroom? Maybe you are low on cash and you do not have the spare dollar and four cents to buy a hamburger to use the restroom? That is fine, I am going to tell you how to get in and get out without being noticed. There are two entrances to the restaurant. One of the entrances faces the Dollar Tree store, and the other entrance is closest to the Stop and Shop. Go into the entrance nearest the Dollar Tree store, this is the back entrance, and is not located in view of the cash register. In fact, you would be entering through the dining room part of the restaurant, so the only people who would see you are the customers who are eating, and so long as you do not look homeless, I am sure no one is going to say anything. So you walk in through the back door, and immediately on your right hand side will be the door for the restroom, congrats, you have just now snuck into the Wendy’s bathroom! But what awaits you next you say?

Well there is one stall located in this bathroom. There is also a urinal for your IMG_20160207_010326_119peeing pleasure to boot, should you not have to take a shit. The first thing you will notice is that for a fast food restaurant, this bathroom is superbly clean. I do not think there is too much foot traffic going inside to sit down and eat. This location does a killing in drive through business, so that is a plus for all of you secret shitters out there.

The décor of the place seemed outdated. When you look at places such as the Walmart in Lynn, which is about on the same level as this restaurant in terms of demographics, this bathroom does not hold up in our impression of the décor. The floors are pinkish and green, with an off-white colored wall. It really is not pleasing to the eye. I personally do not like it. I almost feel like you have stepped into a time warp, and it is not the good kind of time warp.

As far as my shit went, it was quite slippery and reminiscent of a back-door piss instead of a solid shit. I truly feel bad for the poor sap that had to use it after me. I really was not feeling too hot that particular day, and my shit just proved my suspicions that I was sick. The stench actually gave me a headache, and I had to go to the register and ask for water after I was done because I felt so dehydrated.

IMG_20160207_010326_164     Ok so enough about my sick-shits. This bathroom as you would suspect had some of the worst toilet paper I have used in quite some time. It was in fact a two ply toilet paper, which I had to double check to make sure. It felt brittle and it did not roll up, or bunch up very well. I feel like I would have been better off using some of there to-go bags as toilet paper. At least I would have known how shitty the bag was to use, and I probably would have been better off.

So as you may suspect the bathroom had manual everything. The toilet flusher, the sinks, and the soap dispensers all were manual. Now I have kind of gotten away from going into detail about the handwashing experience, mostly because it is kind of drab to be honest. If something does not stand out to me I will usually just say it was automatic, or manual and just go about writing my review. With that in mind, you needed to have the strength of a thousand gorillas to be able to get any soap out of that damn dispenser. I know I said it was old, but my God that thing was beyond ancient. I am sure President Grant must have used this thing, it seemed that old. The amount of soap that actually IMG_20160207_010326_149came out of it is laughable. It took me at least four pumps to get enough soap on my hands to feel comfortable enough to wash the poo-water off of my hands. The other thing that got me was the equally old air dryer installed in this place. I do not think the place is that old, so how in the hell did they get such an old air-dryer? It is a “World Dryer” brand air-dryer. It is like the owner went to the Salvation Army and found a used air dryer on clearance. Get a fucking Dyson and be done with it you cheap prick…

OK so that is that. I came, I shat, I left. Really there was nothing more to it than that. So now that you know about my shit, let us get into The Secret Shitter Review. All of these categories are out of a possible five stars, so let the games begin…

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 3

Cleanliness: 4.5

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 2

IMG_20160207_010326_102

A number two rating on taking a number two at the Wendy’s in Revere. The numbers and math do not lie. The toilet paper sucked, and the décor sucked. This bathroom is so clean because nobody outside of myself is dumb enough to use it. The food is debatable but this is not a place to review food, this is a place to review bathrooms. Now I do have a love for the chicken nuggets there, especially the spicy ones. That is not the point however. If you go into one of these establishments, chances are you are going to have to shit right after eating the food. This happens with me all the time. As soon as it goes in, it goes right out. It is not the worst bathroom in the complex, but it is not the best either. There are other options which favor your asshole more than Wendy’s. If you are in a pinch, but cannot make the short run across the parking lot, then I guess this is a place to shit.

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So now I am gearing up for our new book: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo, I would like to thank all the people who purchased our first book! If you have not already done so, go to amazon and type in- The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Buy the book. I am looking to expand upon the state of Massachusetts, and you can help bring The Secret Shitter to a different part of New England! All sales from the books go directly into funding me to go someplace else. If you are in the town of Winthrop, Massachusetts then you can go down to the Winthrop Book Depot and purchase our book from that retailer! Plus, you can get some kick-ass coffee while you are there. You will also be supporting local business to boot. So just go down there and buy the book! Supplies are limited down there, so go before someone else does and buy our stuff!