Category Archives: Public Transportation

Alewife MBTA Station

This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.IMG_20160309_181246_399

I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.

So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.

According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.

So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.

IMG_20160309_181246_359       Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?

Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was IMG_20160309_181246_386going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.

Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.

A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.

I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 0

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_181246_373

Cleanliness: 0

Décor: 0

Toilet Paper Quality: 0

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 0

Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.

Update (3/12/16):

The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.

 

I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.

 

Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.

 

Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.

 

* “Ridership and Service Statistics” (PDF) (14 ed.).Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. 2014. Retrieved 5 July 2015.

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alewife_(MBTA_station)#cite_note-bluebook-2

Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal

            So today I decided that I would take a walk around the Aquarium area of Boston. When I got to the Aquarium I didn’t have to shit. I noticed a sign that said; “Boston Harbor walk” and I thought to myself, “I haven’t ever done that, why don’t I go and walk around there.” While walking around I could feel some earthly rumblings in my stomach, which was mother natures’ way of telling me we need to find a port to dock in. I am now a little way into the harbor walk when I came upon our next location, The Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal.

            Now the terminal itself is located somewhere in Rows Wharf. It is actually difficult to explain where it is, so please bear with me. There are little walkways between the Imax Theatre and the Aquarium. You walk along the docks weaving between buildings, restaurants, and hotels. You will then see a few ships kind of just chilling there in the water (it is winter after all, and I don’t think they run as frequently, but you would have to check for more accurate information). There is lettering on the side of the building saying “Ferry Terminal” with a whole bunch of advertising. I thought, “great, this is exactly where I am going to go and take a shit. This is indeed secret.”

            Now being the nice guy that I am, I always like to ask people if I can shit in their establishment (this keeps my cover). When I walked into the Ferry Terminal, I saw three counters, with exactly zero employees. It was only a hunch that there might be a bathroom in here, so now I am stumped as to what to do. But lo and behold, I look up and pointing down a little hallway is a sign for the restroom. Now I should point out that when I walked down this hallway, on the right hand side was a door leading outside again. On the outside of the door was a sign that said; “Restrooms”. So I didn’t even need to walk into the ferry terminal to ask, I could have just walked into this door and used them. Well this is why I write, so you don’t make the same mistakes as I do.

            So I walked down another small hallway and I immediately go and survey the restroom. It is of a medium size, with one urinal, and one handicap stall. The overall inspection yields the results that this place is very clean, probably because nobody knows it’s there.

            The handicap stall is outfitted with a double coat hook. The hooks themselves are fairly tiny, but they are sturdy. They had more than enough size to hold my coat and bag. Now came the time to sit on the toilet and actually shit. I will say, not a single soul walked into this bathroom. About midway through my poop I actually thought I was trespassing to be honest. But then I remembered that there was a sign displayed to the public. This stall was a dream to shit in! it was large and roomy, more than enough room to feel comfortable. The toilet itself was in the corner, while the door was on the left hand side towards the opposite wall. I really like this stall setup. No one can peer through the little slits in the door to peep you while you poop. All they have is a locked door to look at.

            Now with all of that said, the décor of the place was abysmal. It was so generic, that the word generic, would call it generic. Small beige and white tiles lined the walls, while the same equally small tiles lined the floor, except they were grey in color. If you are looking for a designer shitter, this definitely isn’t it. This shitter has a very utilitarian feel. Again this is a ferry terminal after all.

            Now with my shit today being swift and mighty, it ended almost as quickly as it began. This place had a one toilet paper roll holder. This could pose a problem if it were busier, but for right now it was fine. My only complaint was that the toilet paper was too high in the holder. It took about twenty seconds or so for me to fish it out, so I wasn’t able to get a good look at it as I was shitting. Now when I finally did pull the toilet paper down, I was shocked that it was two ply. It did feel a little thin for a two ply, but it had little ridges in it on one side of the toilet paper. I would imagine that would take care of the clumps in your bottom. The toilet paper felt below average to average at best. It didn’t hurt my ass, nor did it feel great. After using the manual flusher I made my way over to wash my hands. The water was automatic, but the soap dispenser was manual. There was only one option to dry your hands, which was paper towels. Like the toilet paper, it had been so filled and underused that it was kind of hard to fetch them out.

            So now that you know about this spot, let’s get into The Secret Shitter’s Review.
Accessibility: 3
Business: 0
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Décor: 2.5
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Overall Rating: 4

            Well this shitter is definitely above average. It is secluded which is both good and bad. It is almost too secluded for its’ own good. It is accessible to the public on a public walkway, but the sign is a tad hard to read. The only way to really tell that the bathrooms here exist is by reading a small four inch sign on the door. After reading this you could just look for the ferry terminal sign and just go to the right side door, but if you were out and about with a level five alarm going off in your colon then you might not be in the right mind to look for little details like this. The only upside is that the place is a virtual ghost-town in the winter! Not even the employees were there. But I did see ships that had “Logan Airport Shuttle” and “Boston Harbor Islands Ferry” written on the side of them, so that might be a different story in warmer weather. But for right now you are pretty much on your own when it comes to shitting in there. This is an average shitter at best if it were located anywhere else. What makes this bathroom so good is its’ location and seclusion. The décor is subpar, and the toilet paper is average. If there were a bunch of tourists waiting to go to the islands, then this bathroom could get bad really quickly. Quite frankly I don’t think this is the case even in warmer weather though. I know it is just speculation, but I think that most of the ships that go out to the harbor islands leave from the Aquarium. I could be wrong on that though. Either way if you are caught in the no-mans-land between South Station, and the Aquarium, this is a more than adequate place to leave your little brown nuggets behind.


Great so now that we got through the review, now it is time for shameless plug time! You know we have a book right? It is called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 and you can get it here on Amazon (it comes with free Prime Shipping). We are also working on the follow up to our first book which will be called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo. Any sales from the first two books will be directly used to send me to a new location! Which city would you like to see me shit in next? Tell me via our Facebook Page, Twitter Page, or email us at; Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com.

Until Next time, Peace.