Category Archives: Public Buildings

Winthrop Public Library

     IMG_20150828_112625        It is about high time that I review a bathroom from my good old hometown of Winthrop Massachusetts. Winthrop is the little island suburb right outside of Boston. Ok so you most likely haven’t heard of it. Have you heard of East Boston and Revere? Yup we are right next to those towns. It is convenient to Logan Airport, and it is right along the MBTA’s Blue Line. But I am not here writing a welcome letter for the town (if you would like me to, um you can email me, but it is going to cost you). No people I am here to find a bathroom to take a dook in. Even in my small town, while I am running around doing my errands I still need to poop sometimes, and that brings me to our next location, The Winthrop Public Library.

I like going to the Library. There is a small museum which I am sure is open sometimes, if you ask, and what it is in it, well I have no idea. But I do like to read, but I am not allowed to take books out due to the fact that I owe them money from a late book I forgot to bring back. I think it was on Ham Radio, but either way, that is not the point of the story. See nestled in the basement, up the ramp from the children’s department, there is a little bookstore. It is surprisingly stocked with a lot of books and LP’s. Sometimes you can find some cool stuff down their dirt cheap. I got a bunch of pictures from an amateur astral photographer for like five bucks. But again, that is not the point of the story. I was browsing some of the books when I felt the urge to drop some literary logs of my own. Thus we begin…

IMG_20150828_112504    So to gain access to the restroom you need to go and speak with the person who is working in the children’s wing of the library. There is a key attached to a large piece of wood that they will give you. When you secure the key, you can begin to write some brown poems of your own.

To find the restroom is quite easy. There is a big fucking sign that says “Bathrooms” with an arrow, and two clearly marked doors. If you got the key, then I have faith in you that you can find the bathroom. I mean you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to find it.

Next thing you will notice is once you open the door, you will be met with a rather roomy single bathroom for your pooping pleasure. This bathroom is massive. Although my memory is a tad hazy, I do not clearly remember whether or not this bathroom had coat hooks in them or not. But don’t worry, the bathroom is so big that you can lay your backpack down on one side and have zero fear of any poo-water getting anywhere near your belongings.

IMG_20150828_112457      The walls in the bathroom are absolutely atrocious. They are dark grey in color, and are in terrible need of a fresh coat of paint. I mean it looks like no one has paid attention to this bathroom in about twenty years. Do not even get me started on the tiles in here. Well actually I guess I have to get started If I want to do a thorough review. Do you remember when you were in high school? Do you remember what the floors looked like? Ok now that you have that picture in your head, that is the exact same style that the floors are made of. Very drab, and not anything to write home about. To be honest you can’t tell if they are dirty or just old. It is most likely the latter because the bathroom didn’t have any sort of debris in them. The bathroom appeared to be clean.

The next thing we have to address is the toilet. Man maybe we American’s are not build like we used to be. I am pretty sure that Andre the Giant’s feet would be dangling off of this high rise pooper. It is very rare that I write about the height of a toilet, but something about my feet dangling off of one makes me a tad uneasy. I know no one can bust through and come in, but damn. We are talking a good four to five inches off of the ground. I damn near needed a ladder to get up there.

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Enough about my height issues, let’s move on to the final crescendo in our public pooper review, the toilet paper. I could tell by looking that this toilet paper that my asshole was going to feel as though it had been raked through fire glass, and boy was I right! This is the standard Uncle Sam’s Sandpaper Medium Grit # 172 in lieu of where the toilet paper should be. Government issued anything sucks donkey balls, let alone toilet paper. I would hate to know what they give out at Red Cross Camps around the world to people. But that is a whole totally different story unto itself.

So after I finished wiping and crying I had to flush the toilet myself like a gawd dang farmer. To make matters worse I had to turn on the faucet like a peasant. As I returned the key to the front desk I scurried off into the sunset bow-legged with the memory of that dastardly toilet paper etched into my soul…

So now that we have all of the info that we need let us start The Secret Shitter Five Star Review…

Number of Stalls: 1

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 4

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Décor: 2

Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 2.25

Yup that was a toilet, and I pooped in it. That is the sentiment that I hold when I think of the Winthrop Public Library. The pros to this toilet is its’ seclusion everything else just sucks about it. But it really isn’t the Library’s fault. Something something public funding. I don’t expect a whole lot when I go into government buildings. I expect there to be a toilet to use which was state of the art in the 1970’s, and when you go in with that expectation, then you really cannot be disappointed. I mean the only good thing about this is that I didn’t have anyone banging on the door to get in. Most likely because I was in a small town library. If I was going about my business in town and I needed to crap, would I come back? Sure I mean we have seen worse shitters here, but I would totally try to find another spot if I had the option, or I could go home and poop. That might have been a better option.

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OK so you know what is great about the library? There are tons of books to read! You know who else has a book? US!!! You can mosey on over to Amazon and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1, it is never too late to be in the know. There are literally dozens of people who have been satisfied by our poop knowledge. So go and buy the book today, be a trendsetter.

Something something if you like what you read share it on social media. I am only one man. So if you like it, share it!

Remember until next time… Peace.

Landmark Center

   The Landmark Centeris located right down the street from good old Fenway Park, which brings us to our next installment of The Secret Shitter. The Landmark Centeris a mixed use office and residential building with architecture from 1929. You have numerous stores such as; Staples, REI, and a Bed Bath & Beyond located within the space; as well as parking, and a few condos on the top floor.

    
     Locating the bathroom here is kind of tricky, but once you know where to go, you will thank me a thousand fold. You exit the side of REI to where the main lobby of the building is, and you head up the flight of stairs. Upon reaching the top, you will see directly ahead of you a table with a security guard or two sitting down. Yes, you heard me right; your next shitter is guarded by security! Do not fret or get nervous. Usually there is some kind of conferences going on in the building. Where the latrine is located is directly to your left of the security table towards the parking garage. This is why you do not need to fret about going to this secret poop spot. Just act as though you are going to your car, and you my friend are good to go.
An Outside View of the Landmark Center
     Once you head in through the doors, you will find the bathrooms down a small hall on your left. Once you locate the men’s room, you will be in shock…
You have two stalls; one is a handicap stall, and the other is a regular run-of-the-mill stall. Now if anyone knows the Secret Shitter, they will know that I always exclusively go for the handicap stall. This stall is large and impressive, with a coat hanger to boot! Coat hangers are essential for shitting in these parts. This is partly due to the fact that we wear some kind of jacket for three seasons here in Boston. This coat hanger is sturdy as a fucking rock too. It could take a heavy jacket, and a bag fit for a professional without you worrying about the door coming off of the hinges.
   
    The seat is not too high, nor too low. Now as you get down and brown you will notice something strange. You will be met by mostly silence in the restroom. So those of you who are afraid to poop in public you can totally go with a clear conscience and clear your bowels. With access to the bathroom in an office building, people are not looking to go right into this shared bathroom they will most likely go up in their office.
      
     Another advantage of going to the bathroom in this majestic building is the fact that it is probably the most clean public facility I have had the satisfaction of heaving a grumpy in. This also means the toilet paper supply is closely monitored. Meaning that in the heat of the moment, you won’t be left with having to improvise some TP.  
A look inside the bathroom
    
     Speaking of TP, what most of you may not know about the Secret Shitter is that I suffer from hemorrhoids. This makes pooping in public quite an ordeal considering I do not want to aggravate the Anus God’s. Now this bathroom is already different, and its choice of TP is no less than a 9/10. Dare I say it might actually garner a perfect score in the TP rating?
     Another thing I love about the bathroom outside of the norm is both the décor and the fact it allows you to utilize two different methods to dry your hands. Yes, you read that right you can go paperless and get the whole hand dry in just about one cycle under the air dryer. You also have the option to go with the tried and true method of using paper towels.
So now that you got the rundown of the spot, it is time for our Secret Shitter rating

·        Out of a possible 5:

·        Number of Stalls: 1
·        Toilet Paper Quality: 4.5
·        Stall Comfort: 4
·        Busyness: 1
·        Décor: 3
·        Cleanliness: 5
·        Accessibility: 1
·        Overall: 4.5 out of 5

     
     While this is not your average run of the mill toilet, this is definitely a contender in my Top Toilet Awards. This bathroom is safe, clean, and comfortable to poop in. It also has security outside of the hall that leads to it. You know that means great things for your poop. You will not have to contend with homeless people bathing in the bathroom, or with having to deal with junkies shooting up. You will most likely run into some doctor, or working professional who is en-route to their car, office, or conference. So my friends this is the crème de la crème of secret bathrooms here in Boston. Just a hop, skip, and a jump away locating in the heart of the Fenway neighborhood with convenient access to the MBTA, this makes The Landmark Center an Ideal place to throw down on some brown. Remember folks, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!
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