Category Archives: Marriott Hotel

Providence, Rhode Island: Courtyard Mariott Providence Downtown

IMG_20160331_005556_937  I was walking along in Downtown Providence past the river, and I was just sort of lost. I had every intention of conquering this city’s poopers one stall at a time but now that I am a fish out of water, and it was time for me to hunker down! As I was walking towards the financial district, trying to find the H.P. Lovecraft house, I happen to notice a sign which read, “Marriott Hotel” on the side of this brick building. There wasn’t an entrance in this place, just the sign. So my curiosity got the best of me and as I rounded the corner up a small hill I spotted our next location, The Courtyard Marriott Providence Downtown.

There were two bus’ parked on the hill leading to the front door. When I got closer to the door I noticed there were NCAA stickers plastered on every inch of the window. Apparently a portion of the Final Four tournament was being held in Providence. This hotel wanted you to know that if you were here for the NCAA then you are welcome! I walked in to the see some young college kids on the right giving out pamphlets of “things to do in Providence”. I wanted none of that. I walked right past the reception desk and turned to the hallway on my right and headed that way. Along the middle of the hallway there is a smaller one where the bathrooms are located.

When you walk into the bathroom you will notice one lone solitary stall directly IMG_20160331_005556_967
ahead of you, and a urinal on your right. I had no problems finding the joint, and I was afraid it would be busy as a bee, but it wasn’t. See everyone was trying to find their rooms or trying to find the bar, me on the other hand, I was in it for the shitter! That stall was a handicap one and it was quite large and roomy. There wasn’t a coat hook on the door, but the stall was so large and clean I could put my bag down on the floor without worrying.

I sat down to take my shit, and again I was expecting at least a couple of people to use the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting it to be so dead. The other nice thing about this bathroom was the music which was playing softly in the background. It was nice to know I could let my butt trumpet wail and there was at least a modest attempt to cover up the awful noises with some classic soft rock.

 

                Now sitting here, I had quite a bit of time to soak up the sights the bathroom had
to offer. There was a weird abstract painting of what appeared to be tie designs hanging on the wall. But it was a nice contrast to the bright red walls with beige pattern running IMG_20160331_005556_952along the wallpaper. Now the Marriott Hotel’s seem to have this odd sort of connecting rectangle pattern that you can’t really see upon first glance. I wish I took a closer picture of the design to show you what I meant because looking at my pictures it seems like the walls were just red. Go through some of my previous reviews to find The Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive in Cambridge Massachusetts to see the design pattern up close and personal. The only thing that differs from the Cambridge Marriott’s Bathroom to this one is the Cambridge Marriott’s color scheme was peach and black, this one was red and beige. The walls in the stall were lined with this light-brown stone-looking tiles which were totally cheap and not the real deal. You can tell by knocking on them. These seemed to be the ones that you install when you are short on money. Now the floors were the same color tone as the tiles lining the walls only they were a shade or two lighter.

                To illustrate my point about the cheapness of the whole façade we have to look no
further than the toilet paper the hotel provided. It was in one of those oversized toilet paper holders. If you don’t know anything else about toilet paper quality know this; an IMG_20160331_005556_996oversized roll means that the quality is compromised over quantity. See companies will put oversize toilet paper in here because they don’t have to change it as often. The number one thing to look for in a good toilet paper is the size of the roll. This toilet paper was not top notch by any stretch, but it did the job. It felt cheap against my cheeks and it took more than usual to clean myself to the point where I felt comfortable leaving.

The toilet flusher was a manual flush. The soap was also manual, along with the sink. The only good thing about the clean-up process was the fact that they offered paper towels to use for hand drying. Although the paper towels were thin and small which made me use a more paper towels to dry my hands then I normally would.

So now that we know all that there is to know, let us begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these ratings are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

IMG_20160331_005557_10

 

We’re giving the Marriott Courtyard Providence Downtown a solid 3 Star rating. Some of the pros include; it is hard to find, it is not busy, and it was pretty clean. The cons on the other hand would be; the toilet paper quality. Yeah this place looked really nice, and was pretty hard to find, and they had some soft rock playing in the background. It all adds up to a better than average experience, but the carelessness of the toilet paper quality really sets this place back a few points. Now if they replaced the toilet paper brand with a better quality one, then this would easily be a 4 Star Shitter. However, this TP will rip your ass apart, and it will do so slowly, and painfully. I enjoyed both the décor, and the abstract tie painting. I was also fond of the bold colors of the bathroom. I thought it looked distinguished enough to be on the higher end of the shitter’s I’ve visited, but ultimately it comes up short. Trying to find the front door is also a bit of a challenge. This place is really hidden, and you really have to go on a trek to find it. I just wish that the end result would be better worth your time. On the other hand, if you were walking along in Downtown Providence, this place is totally good enough for you to take a shit, providing that you didn’t walk past the building. With all that in mind the housekeepers do a really good job of cleaning the place, so the bathroom has that going for it as well. On the other hand, you are given some demon-like toilet paper to wipe your ass with. So with that in mind, keep the Courtyard Marriott Downtown Providence on your pooping to-do list.

Like what you are reading? Did you know we are going to be coming out with two new books? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, along with The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Those will be available hopefully by the end of the summer/early fall. Please remember to share the page and posts you like, and I will see all of you on Monday for our next review: Portland Maine: Starbucks on Commercial Street.

Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you thinkIMG_20160316_105118_649 of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

IMG_20160316_105118_664      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really IMG_20160316_105118_694busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

IMG_20160316_105118_707        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls

4

Stall Comfort

3

Accessibility

2

Décor

1

Cleanliness

1
Busyness

3.5

Toilet Paper Quality

2

Total

2

IMG_20160316_105118_679

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.