Category Archives: Maine

Maine: Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

On today’s adventure, we are on the outskirts of the beautiful old port district in Portland Maine. The streets are getting less seedy, and are starting to show some groovy vibes. While on my way to the old port district some bad vibes were harshin’ my bowels. Over a small hill, I saw our next site, The Holiday Inn Portland.

                What made this scene, even more fun was the National Sheriff Conference that was taking place on the first floor. These bad hombre’s were everywhere! Surely the Secret Shitter has met his match? I could literally, figuratively, and metaphorically get arrested 8 ways to Sunday.

                I marched right past the badge distribution sheriff to find the bathroom on the left-hand side of the small hallway at the bottom of the escalators coming in from the front door. You won’t find signs for it, so it is important to make a note of the path to the poop splash.

                When you walk in, you get blasted by the mute white walls. You will notice the snazzy looking yellow flowers that were eloquently placed on opposite ends of the sink. You will see a large baby changing station. Now you will cast your eyes on your three stall choices. They are all very large and feature coat hooks.

                Surprisingly the bathroom was not that busy. There were a couple of people who meandered in while I was giving the toilet some rough justice of my own. Weirdly enough there were no cops in the bathroom. That was a godsend for obvious reasons.

                The toilet paper was a measly one ply. It was harsh and cruel. I did not like it. This bathroom also boasts a manual flusher, sink, and soap dispenser. They did have paper towels, though,  I wonder if that could influence their rating?

                Speaking of ratings we have to get to the Secret Shitter Review.

Number of Stalls: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 3
Total Score: 3 Stars

 

                The Portland Holiday Inn is exactly what you would expect from a large chain hotel bathroom. The décor is nice enough, and the cleanliness is usually near top-notch. The hard to find shitter is normally a good thing. However, I don’t like walking through a get together of law enforcement officers knowing I am about to go into a bathroom and snap pictures as part of my review. I rolled the dice on this and won. I always have a small amount of apprehension when it comes to funneling some brown gold down the old’ pipeline. There is always the off-chance that I can get caught and have to explain this shit posting I do. So to summarize this post, the toilet is pretty average for a hotel. I have seen better, I have seen worse.

Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

Address: 88 Spring St, Portland, ME 04101
Phone: (207) 775-2311

Portland Maine: Casco Bay Ferry Terminal

I had lunch with an old friend of mine while I was in Portland, I IMG_20160323_153417_981was able to hang out and catch up with an old friend, and eat his amazing food! I won’t bore you with our catching up details, but I will say that the Reuben I had was absolutely amazing! I was also introduced to a non-alcoholic beer made by Guinness called Kaliber. It was a blonde beer, and it totally hit the spot and paired very well with my Reuben Sandwich. However, that isn’t the point of me writing this. While I was catching up with my friend, he gave me a little tip, and told me to go to the ferry terminal next door and take a crap in there.  He said I wouldn’t be disappointed. So without further delay, I present you the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal.

The Casco Bay Ferry Terminal has ferry’s which run from IMG_20160323_153417_913Portland Maine to Peaks Island. Peaks Island is the most populated island in the Casco Bay. It is technically apart of the city of Portland, and is only 3 miles from downtown Portland. The ferry runs 16 times a day, and it only costs $7.70 one-way, which make this an awesome side-quest during your trip to Portland.

When my friend told me about the Ferry Terminal shitter being good, I, had some reservations. Maybe living so close to Boston has made me jaded. When I think of a ferry terminal I think something that has the potential to be awful, because this is completely open to the public. I can’t tell you how many times that I have seen some foul shit in completely open-to-the-public bathrooms. But when I walked in here it was actually kind of clean for a ferry terminal! The terminal itself is super small so the bathrooms are clearly visible to everyone in the terminal.

There were three stalls that you could choose from in here. IMG_20160323_153417_884When I walked into my stall I was surprised by how roomy it was. It had a coat hook in there to hang my little bag in, which was nice because I like to bring gifts back for people when I go away. The great thing about this shitter was the toilet seat. It was one of those ergonomic ones, and I will say that they do take the strain off of your back while shittiing. It was something that I wasn’t expecting, and my friend was right.

I won’t say that I disliked the decor in here, I just found it kind IMG_20160323_153417_899of puzzling to be honest. As I stated before the decor was strange, the walls were untreated concrete, and the stall dividers were grey. The flooring was grey and a very light blue. You can look at the pictures and you can make that determination for yourself. Personally I didn’t like it, but maybe it is a Maine thing, who knows.

Another note about this bathroom is how busy it is. This ferry services piques island. Apparently it is very pretty over there, I didn’t get to make it over there this time, but I most likely will the next time I am in Portland. I will say that there were a lot of people coming and going, so much so, that I feared for my journalistic life. I thought for sure that I would be caught.

Just when you think this is getting all wrapped up, we have to save room for some tp talk. See the toilet paper in here was just IMG_20160323_153417_926awful. It was two ply, but it is like they stitched together two pieces of sandpaper to make one awful ultra-sandpaper. This tore up my asshole cuz. The toilet paper was even hard to prepare. It didn’t bunch up correctly, and it folded terribly. There really wasn’t anything I could do except try to use blunt force on my asshole. I had to use so much toilet paper to wipe up that it isn’t even worth trying to make light of the situation.

Well now that we know about the toilet and its’ surroundings, why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter Review? All of the ratings are based on five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

 

I am going to give this stall a solid three stars on our rating IMG_20160323_153417_940system. I did like the ergonomic toilet seat, and I also enjoyed the larger than usual stall. It wasn’t as dirty as I expected it to be either. The decor was odd, maybe one could call it a “headscratcher”.

However, it takes a lot for the decor to sink a rating. The decor is more of an expression and left to interpretations. If I find a bathroom visually appealing, then it helps, but it does take a lot for it to sink a rating.

What will sink a rating is the terrible toilet paper that makes this bathroom its’ natural habitat. There was nothing good or fun about it. My asshole just puckered up a little at the very thought of it. Not only will you have sub-par toilet paper, but you will also have to deal with a lot of people coming in and out of there. This isn’t a spot for you to sit and relax, this is a dump-and-ditch place. The reason why it gets so busy is because of how accessible it is.

So there you have it friends. I would highly recommend the Reuben sandwich from Ri Ra next door, and if you left the restaurant a little too early and need a place to lay a dookie to rest, then the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal is an OK place to poop. At least your back won’t be hurting as you listen to the pitter patter of people scampering in and out.

 

Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau

IMG_20160323_134230_33   Google Maps has thwarted me again! It took me all around the mulberry bush in Portland. Whenever I get to a new city I like to go and grab a physical map. After about an hour of wandering around trying to find the damn visitors center, I finally did find it. I welcome you to the Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This particular location of the Visitors Bureau was not the main one. It was a satellite location above some candy shop selling Salt Water Taffy on Commercial Street. It really was fucking hard to find. Then once you enter the building you came face to face with renovations, and the feeling like you shouldn’t be in there. But there is signs saying “Visitors Bureau 3rd Floor” inside, so technically I felt like I could wander around inside of the old brick building. I made my way to a third floor office, and lo-and-behold, here it is! I might have startled some of the office staff because they all seemed to not know where the walking maps were kept. I had three separate people try to find the things for me. They did however, find the maps and give me some helpful information about the city. From there, I went about my way.

On my way out I happened to be walking down the hallway that is shared between different companies inside of the building, and right to my left was a bathroom! I looked around, and no one was IMG_20160323_134230_48watching, so I just moseyed on inside and took a Trump.
The bathroom was gender-neutral, which was to be expected. It served multiple offices and businesses on the third floor. I walked in and I was met with this tiny, but charming bathroom. The walls were painted off-white, and the woodwork around the floor was painted black. The floor was a greenish-blue with rustic grout filler. It had one toilet, and had all the amenities of home. It had a little toilet paper caddy, a plunger, and a toilet scrubber.

This bathroom was quiet enough to take a seven minuet crap in without being disturbed. Even though the bathroom was shared between offices nobody knocked on the door. I was left to my devices in here without being seen or noticed. It was a true delight to crap in.

IMG_20160323_134230_62It was meticulously taken care of. It was very clean, and there really wasn’t anything out of place here. I was expecting the bathroom to be fairly clean, but this even surpassed my expectations. Had anyone ever used this bathroom before!? It felt great taking a shit in such a virgin atmosphere. In fact, I took longer than expected to finish my shit because I felt so at ease. I felt like I had all of the comforts of home while I was so far away from it.

I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper now upon cleaning my rectum. There was an industrial sized toilet paper roll to the right of the toilet, but there was no toilet paper in here. The toilet paper you are looking for is sitting on the top of the toilet tank. It really wasn’t very good. It was a cheap one ply toilet paper. Maybe this is the way that both offices joke with each other. I am sure that the bathroom is a shared responsibility. There is most likely a toilet paper war going on between offices, because I can’t imagine anyone willingly buying this stuff for the fun of it.

Everything was manual in this bathroom. For some reason there was also an older model air dryer in here. I opted to use the paper towels which were sitting inside of a basket. After cleaning myself up, I slipped out of the side door like a looking around to make sure I hadn’t been spotted, and I went along on my journey. IMG_20160323_134230_89
So now that you know about this secret poo spot, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Review. These are all based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 5
Accessibility 1
Busyness 1
Décor 4
Cleanliness 5
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 5

I am going to give The Greater Portland Convention and Visitor’s Bureau a Solid Five Stars! Normally when a place has one ply toilet paper it immediately takes them out of the running for a Five Star Rating. So you are probably wondering why this toilet made it to the IMG_20160323_134230_102top? Well to be honest this is probably the most secretive of shitters I have shat in to date. I totally wasn’t supposed to be in the building at all, the actual visitor’s center is located a little way down the street. After getting directions there I still couldn’t find it. I did, however, find what I was looking for in the form of a walking map to Portland that didn’t look like a child drew it. I had picked up a map at the Greyhound Station on Congress Street, and it looked like a child and drew it in crayon. The staff there was very friendly, and very helpful in the information they gave me. The bathroom felt like I was at home, and I was left to shit undisturbed. The décor in the bathroom didn’t look all that great, but it felt very “homey” if you IMG_20160323_134230_116know what I am trying to get at. Combine that with the fact that the inside ground-level floor looks like you shouldn’t be in there, and you have a great built-in deterrent. This is truly a great place to take a private shit in the busy downtown section of Portland.

Like what you see? Why not tell your friends about us! I am working diligently to pump out The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, and I still have a few more places to visit. So you get to benefit from all of that each and every week. Keep sending me to your favorite public toilets by tweeting to us @Secret_Shitter and on Facebook. We also have a Tumblr if that is your thing too. I will be headed to Burlington Vermont soon, so if you know of great bathrooms there, let us know by tweets, facebooks, tumbls, and email.

Portland Maine: Hyatt Place

“This is a place where I want to shit,” I thought to myself IMG_20160323_174328_34walking to my location. I had no idea how long of a walk it was from the bus station to anywhere in downtown Portland. I don’t quite know what drew me to this building, but I kept this next location on the back burner making sure I pinched a loaf in here on my way out of town. This location was one of the first “signs” I reached civilization in Portland. So without any further bullshit, here is our next location from Portland, Maine: Hyatt Place.

As I said in the last paragraph this was one of the first signs I “made it” into town. It seemed out of the way, and it didn’t look too busy when I was walking by there around five o’clock at night. I walked into the hotel and talked with the balding front desk agent, inquiring where his restroom was. He said it was down the hall and to the left, which is where I headed. There was only a small sign when you went down the hallway indicating where the bathrooms were.

I walked in to see one single stall along the back wall. I IMG_20160323_174328_50thought to myself: “this seems perfect”, and I hustled my ass into the lone commode. Because this was the only stall, it doubled as a handicap bathroom as well. So this means the stall was spacious enough for you to stretch your legs out. There was a coat hook in two places for you to hang a jacket and a bag on. Overall it was a good start to my pooping experience.

The bathroom’s décor was all beige. Both floor tiles, and wall tiles were beige. The floor tiles looked more like beige bricks than the oversized tiles which adorned the walls. The floor tiles had a black boarder around them making the tile “pop” more than the walls. Overall it was a great usage of a single color. Even the stall dividers were colored a matte beige color. This color scheme lent itself to making the bathroom seem brighter and larger than it actually was.

This bathroom looked like no one had ever used it. That is how clean it was. No stock was short, and nothing was out of place here at Hyatt Place. This is exactly the type of condition I want to see when I shit. Perhaps this orderliness was a result of Portland’s off-peak season, or maybe I just happened to come in after the cleaning crew finished. Either way, it was very refreshing to see such a clean and tidy facility.

Another wonderful thing about this bathroom was how quietIMG_20160323_174328_67 it was. I was the only person in here for the duration of my power-duke. Not a single soul meandered into this facility. Leaving me to my devices while I left a little bit of me in Portland.

I was having a blast while taking a blast here at Hyatt Place. But I had to turn my attention to their toilet paper. I had such a pleasant experience in here I would hate for them to ruin it by giving me inadequate toilet paper. Guess what? They didn’t! This was primo toilet paper they stocked in here. It was a soft cushy two-ply with the little ridges. This toilet paper felt amazing on my asshole and the little “helper ridges” made my asshole clean as a whistle.

The automated clean-up process helped make everything a breeze. The toilets, sinks, and soap were all automatic. The “Xacto” air dryer left my hands dry as a bone in no time. The air dryer had enough pressure and heat to dry my hands accordingly. After all was said and done I tipped my cap to the balding front desk agent, and I moseyed on down to the Amtrak Station to catch my train home.

Now we need to turn our attention to how the Hyatt Place stacks up in our Secret Shitter Review. Everything is based on a five-star system.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4

 

The Hyatt Place scored a 4 on the Secret Shitter’s Review. IMG_20160323_174328_87Everything in this bathroom was amazing. However, it fell short in just a couple of areas leaving it out of the top-tier category. A four is still nothing to scoff at in my book. This lavatory is very clean, and the single stall setup leaves you with extra room for your pooping pleasure. If someone else needed to take a shit, however, that could lead to a few problems. Personally, when I am feeling comfortable I tend to go a little slower at what I am doing, and pooping is no different. The only saving grace here is that nobody walked in. Which was very nice. I could see that they had a small café in the front desk area, so maybe the bathroom sees a little more traffic in the morning hours. I wasn’t a fan of the beige color in the bathroom, but it did work to make it seem larger and cleaner. Usually you don’t put in lighter colors if the place is a dump because every mess will be highlighted. That is also the reason you rarely see me wearing white shirts, I will always drop mustard or something on them staining them.

Overall, this is a great place to take a shit. I would poop here in a New York Minute without hesitation. So, if you are like me and underestimate the walk into Portland, keep this knowledge in your back pocket knowing that you aren’t that far from town, and you have a great place to take a shit.

 

Like what you read? Then tell people about it then. Go and share it on your social media choice. We have all sorts of profiles from Tumblr’s to Facebooks. Just help me get the word out. I am only one guy who works a day job, so I can only do so much. Also I am compiling all of these posts into The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. So I am thinking that book will be done hopefully by Thanksgiving. Well as always, thank you for reading, and I will see you Wednesday when we explore, Boston MA: The Long Wharf Marriott (Upstairs).

Portland, ME: Starbucks, Commercial Street

As you know by now, The Secret Shitter loves his IcedIMG_20160323_174011_990Americano. I grew fond of the brew from my time working at Starbucks back in ’06. I thought it was just like coffee but better! It was my first time ever trying espresso. Recently I got an espresso maker for my home, and it rekindled my love affair with the drink. Except now I can’t really drink regular coffee anymore because I feel like it has little to no effect on me. You’re probably asking yourself why I am even telling you this story? Well from my time working in Starbucks I can tell you that they let you use their bathroom. Sometimes you don’t need to purchase anything either, so long as you look like you actually contribute to society. With that being said, I would like to present to you part two of our Portland Maine trip: The Starbucks on Commercial Street.
The Starbucks sits by the water the water in Downtown Portland.. So I had been walking around the city almost all day, and had been up for even longer. I had IMG_20160323_174012_9left my house at eight in the morning, and it was just starting to strike seven o’clock P.M. here in Portland. I had to get my Iced Americano to keep me going on my long trip back home.

I walked into the café with no problem and asked the very nice barista, Michael if I could use the restroom. He said yes and gave me the secret code to get in. Now to find the bathroom he said it was around the corner, out the door and dead ahead of you. Apparently the café shares the bathroom with other offices in the building. I followed his direction and I found the lavatory with little effort on my end. If Michael didn’t tell me about it though, then I probably wouldn’t have found it. The door was guarded by a keypad lock. The secret code to enter is: 24680.

Once you enter the bathroom you will see a handicap stall IMG_20160323_174012_48
directly ahead of you. You will want to enter that to use it. Or don’t, but don’t tell other people that I am advocating for you to shit in the trash barrel. Now the stall is handicapped so it large and roomy. The toilet seat was one of the concave ones which made it extra comfortable and ergonomic on your anus. There was no coat hook on the door so you have to lay your bag and jacket on the ground.

IMG_20160323_174012_66    Seeing how this is a shared office bathroom it looks like it
sees its’ fair share of traffic. You could tell because there was TP ripped up into little bits around the toilet bowl. I don’t know if someone was popping zits or shaving in there, but I know that is the only time I cut up toilet paper to be that size. The other option could be that the previous person went hard as a motherfucker on their diamond plated asshole and was just shredding paper like haters. Either way, I don’t want to know why there was paper on the ground, I just know what I saw. Also with that said, you could tell a lot of people have been through here because the floor looked like it could use a mopping. I am not saying that it was filthy, but it needed to be done today.

I am noticing more and more that my pictures are not doing as much justice as they should. This bathroom was pretty grey. The stall dividers were grey. The floor was grey. The walls were so off-white they looked grey. None of it looked good too. Actually I am lying a little bit here. I liked the grey stall dividers. I think it is interesting enough of a color, but it needs to be paired with something, not grey. It is the only thing about this décor that stands out. The floor tiles look like someone took a paintbrush and just dotted some grey and white paint on them. Either way I am not too keen on this.

IMG_20160323_174012_84                The toilet paper itself was something else I wasn’t too keen on. It was so cheap. It was of two plies but it neither provided comfort, nor softness. It felt like I was grinding sandstone against my butt hole. I will say that after a solid day of shits, nothing is going to make your ass feel better, but this basically ripped my ass apart. I can tell too, because well, there is bleeding. I am also not wiping so hard to make myself bleed. I should just apply to be the Tucks Wipes CEO, because I have gained such intimate knowledge of their products.

Now that you know way more than you should about me, I think this is a great time to get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. All of these categories are based out of five stars. Let’s begin shall we?

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3.5
Accessibility 1
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 2.5

 

Our second bathroom is a mere 2.5 Stars. It would have been higher on the scale if the bathroom wasn’t so grey. Like I said above, I liked the grey dividers, but I just wasn’t feeling the cheap paintbrush floor tiles. They reminded me of the ones I had in elementary school. Either way they are outdated and cheap looking. I wouldn’t them in my business because I feel like it would give off the air of being cheap from the get go. This is most likely the reason for installing them in the first place, but I think there are better budget tiles then these.

IMG_20160323_174012_117 IMG_20160323_174012_101

Now the fact that there was a keypad lock on the door was amazing! It ensures not your average Joe can get in and use it. I don’t know if the Starbucks lets that many people go through, or there is just a bunch of people from the offices above using it, either way somebody needs to mop the floor. This bathroom is just the epitome of sub-par. They do have something to work with if they wanted to update the bathroom. However, for a place that makes you call a large coffee a “Venti”, you would think that they would have better fucking toilet paper.

You can’t make someone who works forty hours a week for you use cheap toilet paper. They are at your business, making you money, more than they are at home. The least you can do is give them the top of the line toilet paper. Along with demanding a fifteen-dollar minimum wage, you should also be demanding your employer buy $1.29 toilet paper. You can get the extra strong, extra soft Charmin toilet paper at Stop and Shop for a dollar each. See you can be budget conscience and have great toilet paper, you just got to search around. Don’t let the bullies from Sysco strong-arm you into buying their awful TP. Fight the power! With all of that said, I think this bathroom is probably more worthy of Three Stars Then Two. Since it needed to be mopped I am busting it down a point. This bathroom is a lot better though then some of your alternatives.

starbucks commercial street header

 

Like what you read? Then tell the world! Share the posts with your family and friends. Buy our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Also word has it we are writing two more books as well! The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2, and The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England which will feature bathrooms all across this great region of ours!

If you own a small business and you would like to be reviewed, interviewed, or are interested in our corporate sponsorship program email me at secret.shitter617@gmail.com.