Category Archives: Hotel

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

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Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

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Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you thinkIMG_20160316_105118_649 of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

IMG_20160316_105118_664      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really IMG_20160316_105118_694busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

IMG_20160316_105118_707        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls

4

Stall Comfort

3

Accessibility

2

Décor

1

Cleanliness

1
Busyness

3.5

Toilet Paper Quality

2

Total

2

IMG_20160316_105118_679

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.IMG_20160309_143415_100

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

IMG_20160309_143415_185           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The IMG_20160309_143415_171baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

IMG_20160309_143415_158     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_143415_131

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.

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OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.

 

 

Hyatt Regency Boston

                From the depths of my bowels to your eyes this installment of The Secret Shitter brings us to the Hyatt Regency Boston. Now this particular spot can be a little confusing to find, there are two Hyatt Regencies in Boston. One Regency is the Waterfront, and the other one is well, this one.

 


            The Hyatt Regency is located on Avenue de Lafayette in the Downtown Crossing neighborhood of Boston. It is around the corner from the Paramount Theater and a short walk from the Downtown Crossing, Park Street, and South Station MBTA Stations. I took the nice walk up from the South Station MBTA Stop. I don’t know what made me think to go into this hotel, but I am sure glad that I did.
 
            Now the hotel itself is setup rather confusing, so please bear with me as I try to explain it. You go in through the front doors, down a few sets of ramps, which will lead you to an elevator. You want to take the elevator up to the third floor, which will bring you to the hotel lobby. Why on Earth is the lobby located on the third floor is beyond me. But then again if I was in the hotel design business, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about crapping in public…
 
            Now remember how I said it was confusing finding the lobby? Well buckle up son because you are about to go on a god damn adventure trying to find this bathroom. You want to walk down where there are two IMacs and take an immediate right down that small hallway. Now there will be a sign that says “bathrooms”, but it isn’t so clear cut. You want to walk down that hall towards a small conference room/office, or whatever the hell it is. There will be a small hallway jetting out to your right. That is where the bathrooms are located. OK got that? I promise it will be worth it.
 
            Now when you first walk in you will see a grey pattern all around you. It is like a faux marble, although it could be real, I have no way to test these things in the field, either way it looked fucking baller. Now there are four doors across from the urinals, pick whichever one you want. There is no difference here to be honest. The doors are very solid. They actually feel like a door, if that makes any sense? See sometimes the stall doors feel flimsy, making you question whether or not you actually want to stay rooted in there for very long. Although sometimes you really do not have a choice.
 
            So now that we know the stall door feels like a door, let’s move on to the sheer size of the stall itself. To be honest it is deceptively small. You think that you are going into this tiny little thing, and then you realize that you have enough room to move around in it. There is also a coat hook up on the wall, which will come in handy considering Mother Nature is about to body slam the shit out of Boston, and if you are like me, I really do not like shitting with my winter jacket on. There are far too many variables that could go wrong. I also just purchased a white jacket for this winter, and well white doesn’t exactly cover brown.
 
            Another thing I like about the doors are they are raised a little higher than normal. This has a twofold advantage, one being they can see you, and you can see them. No awkward run ins in this bathroom. Speaking of which, there really wasn’t any activity when I was in there. Maybe a guy or two coming in to piss, and there was one other guy which was in the clutches of El Crappo’s hand (in case you don’t know, El Crappo is the fabled crap-demon from our neighbors to the south).
 
            Weirdly enough, above the smoothing sounds of the hipster soft rock that was 
playing, I could hear multiple toilets flushing to my left. I figured there was probably a glitch in the system. Sometimes those automatic flushers go off mid-shit.
 
            Now that El Crappo was beginning to help my poo slide out of the rectum slide, I was able to take a closer look at the wallpaper and décor. Now the décor had grey and white marbled floors, and a light grey wallpaper. Elegant, and relaxing is how I would describe the design of this high rise shitter. I felt relaxed here, and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush. I felt as though I could take all of the time in the world here.
 
            I was nearing the end of my little experience here in the Hyatt Regency Boston, and I had to turn my undivided attention to the two rolls of toilet paper sitting to my left. Now I took a little sample test of the toilet paper which would grace my O-ring, and to my surprise it felt awfully thin! How could a place that looked this good, cleaned this good, and felt this good have sub-par toilet paper! I sighed to myself, and I went about balling the toilet paper up and took a good, meaty swipe and the goo. Wow. The Hyatt Regency pulled one on The Secret Shitter. This paper is totally a comfortable two ply. Thank heavens because I was getting myself all worked up about this. When one wrestles with the god of hemorrhoids, you should not take any chances.
 
            Now that I was done doing the voodoo that I do, I got up and almost walked out when I noticed something odd, the automatic flusher didn’t go off. I thought it was odd, and upon further inspection it was not an automatic flusher at all! So by my deductions El Crappo must have taken a little too much from the man a few stalls over from me. Because that fucking toilet flushed a good five times. What struck me as odd was the fact that my toilet took the whole thing down with one pull of the magical flush stick. I guess I got lucky?
 
            So now you know about what I did, it is now time to put The Hyatt Regency Boston to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System. Let us begin…
 
Number of Stalls: 4
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 2
 
Overall Total: 4.25
Ok So you are probably wondering what is stopping this from being the perfect shitter? Well there isn’t really anything wrong with this bathroom at all. I just need more of a WOW Factor to make this reach up to that next level. I mean it is out of the way, it has a lot of stalls to choose from, and it is clean as a baby’s bottom. Like I said, when I give out five stars I expect to be wowed in some way, shape, or form. With all that being said this is totally a great place to take a poop in the Downtown Crossing area of Boston. I mean it has exactly everything you want in a bathroom. And it is so far out of the way most people will not even be bothered to look for it, which is a good thing for you. It is almost TOO out of the way for its’ own good. I mean you do have to trek through two doormen, an elevator full of people, and a front desk just to get to this shitter. Is it cool? Of course it is! Practical? Maybe not so much. Unless you are walking right by the hotel, you probably won’t even know it is there to be honest.
So with all of that said, did you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section below. Also please feel free to share this post with your friends and family!
Did you hear about our book? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is available on Amazon.com in both Paperback, and Kindle form! Click here to get it All of the cool kids are getting the book. Also maybe you can drop hints to your significant other and have him/her get you the book for Valentine’s Day! It is never too early to start dropping hints…

 

Until Next time… Peace.  

Ames Hotel Boston

     So I took a little time off to recoup from pooping for the last two weeks. Which is part of the reason I only post two reviews a week, either way, when I was walking down Washington Street in Boston tonight, I got the worst urge simmering up from the depths below. I was so close, yet so far from home. I knew if I got on that train that it would only lead me to bad places as far as my bowels were concerned. So I urgently looked around, and I saw right in front of me, our next destination, The Ames Hotel Boston.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               The building was mysterious and swanky. Every time I walk past it, nothing I can see through the front windows resembles a hotel. There is just a bar off to the right, with some patio seating outdoors. When I stepped through the front door I noticed a small desk in the left hand room with two attendants standing there assisting a family. Apparently the son, probably around twelve was experiencing inner ear problems, they couldn’t figure out if a doctor was open, and them being Australian, they couldn’t understand the concept of the CVS Minuet Clinic. That was their only option, or go to the emergency room, which the father laughed at because he didn’t want to rack up debt while on vacation. So he told his son to “suck it up for the night”, and they went back away to their rooms.
               Now it was my turn at the front desk. I tried to be a little helpful and sympathetic towards the family because I had an ulterior motive to shit in their building. The desk agent told me that the bathroom was on the second floor, and up, up, and away I went.
               I really had no time to find the stairs; I jumped right onto the elevator and headed for floor two. I got off the elevator and after a quick scan of my surroundings; I headed right towards the bathroom. The men’s room was the first door on the left after you turn right down the hallway. You open the door, and turn slightly right, and the first thing you notice is how bright and modern-looking the bathroom really is. There were two stalls, and two very large full length mirrors on the opposite side of the stalls. The first stall was open, and normally I would inspect the premise for a handicap stall, this time I just couldn’t, I was going to shit, and I was going to shit in the next few moments.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               I was actually amazed when I walked into the stall. The toilet was futuristic looking, it was sort of boxy and had no flusher attached to it. There were these two buttons built into the wall above it, one big one, and one little one. I closed the door behind me, and I noticed something seemed off; the stall door was heavy and was a full sized door!
               This fully sized door is totally a game changer in my book. You actually feel as though you are pooping in a private bathroom, but you’re not. Either way I decided to tend to the task at hand and tend to my brown crop which I was harvesting at a rapid pace.
               I will say that the square toilet felt a tad awkward. I thought maybe it was something that your body just gets used to. However my butt never really conformed or accepted this radical new toilet design. I am not saying that it is bad, it just felt weird. It was kind of high too. So my feet were dangling off of the floor, and my ass was getting used to this square nesting-style toilet.
               The décor was really nothing that I would write home about. There were solid black tiles on the floor, and painted white walls. As modern as this shitter was, nothing really jumped out at me about the décor. There were those full length mirror’s on the opposite wall, and the sinks were pretty cool looking (which I will get to later in the post), but this was kind of lack luster. For a place that wouldn’t let me open the front door, the bathrooms looks’ sure were disappointing.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               To be honest, it was nighttime when I went so I couldn’t really gauge with accuracy how busy the bathroom really is. However, I will say that I honestly thought I was alone in the latrine. That was until I heard the flush in the adjacent stall. Man that full sized door really comes in handy here; it was like a sound barrier from all of the outside distractions. It was kind of Zen-like to be honest. One can just sit there and keep their single-mindedness towards the poop. You can become one with the poop. I however I was serving up what I could only describe as anal ice cream, thick and creamy was the tone of this shit. It felt as though the shit would never end. I was fearing that I would have to wipe endlessly due to the wet marker which my anus would transform into.
               This brings me to the next two phases of the evaluation, now I know this is going to be the first post with this new gauge in there, but the cell phone reception was about three to four bars.  Yeah so I tried to surf the information superhighway while I was on the throne and I honestly didn’t really have any problems with reception. I was able to browse Facebook and Twitter with the greatest of ease. Now to be honest I have Metro PCS as my carrier, which I believe uses T-mobiles towers, so your results may vary.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               So I was done serving the brown ice cream to the happy children by the lake, when I had to turn my attention to the final boss. The initial toilet paper evaluation seemed promising. It was two ply, and was ribbed for my pleasure. It seemed cushy, which is always a good thing. So here goes nothing. I started wiping and to my butthole’s delight, it was as cushy as the evaluation predicted. I should somehow patent this system, but that seems too strenuous of an activity for me at this current juncture in time. So with the wiping done it was time to turn my attention to the buttons that were built into the wall. I figured that the larger button was for poops, and the smaller one was used for tinkles. So I pushed down the large button, and like a demon grabbing someone straight down to hell, it took my load without mercy. So for shits and giggles I pushed the smaller button, and my assumption was correct, it was a lighter flush mostly used for tinkles.
               So now that the deed is done I turned my attention to the wash station. It was pretty different to be honest. There was a manual sink, but it was large, square, and flat. It was such a cool design! There were no signs of any kind of concave shaping. I guess there had to be some kind to make the water go down the drain, but man it was really fucking cool to play with it. There was a soap dispenser to your right, and then there were only paper towels to dry your hands. All in all the wash station was pretty cool.
               So now that I am done with my dastardly task, it is time once again to start The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember some of the categories are subjective, and are entirely up to my discretion, the categories ratings are also out of a possible five (5) stars. So let’s not make haste, and let’s get to the reviewin’…
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Stall Comfort: 4.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating:  5
 

Photo: The Secret Shitter
               There you have it; The Ames Hotel Boston scored 5 out of 5 stars here on The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. I initially gave these 4.5 stars due to the décor, but I had a change of heart as I kept writing about this. I mean this is a very Secret Shitter. Now I really don’t like to give out five stars all willy-nilly but this little guy grew on me. I know the standards should be a tad higher, but if you don’t like it write your own damn blog! The bathroom is completely tucked away from the public. If you were to just walk into the lobby you would never find it without asking someone who was there. That in and of itself is worth the high rating alone. Now yes the décor is sort of boring, but I will say that the square, flat sink totally made up for any mundane features that were presented in the latrine. Not only that but the stall comfort is completely off the charts here. Not only does the deep colored wood door look fantastic against the plain colors, but the coat hanger is sturdy as a brick shit-house. Not only that but the fucking door is full sized! I mean I literally could not hear the gentleman in the next stall shitting. Usually you hear some type of sound coming from next to you, but here, you hear nothing but flushing toilets. I didn’t even hear him walking out of the stall. It was like a room, within a room. That alone is worth the price of admission (which is free by the way). Now the convenience of where the hotel is located is also something to take into effect. It is diagonal to the State Street MBTA Station. You are hustling and bustling in Downtown, and you need to lay down some loud stinky ass-burgers, you will want to go to this fucking bathroom. You can grunt as loud as your little heart desires, and nobody will really hear you. There is something to be said about that. Not only that, but the bathroom is clean too. I didn’t notice anything out of place here to be honest. I know I didn’t touch on it in the initial review, but it was actually so clean, I didn’t even record it in my notes. It was like all of the comforts of home, but I was in Downtown Boston, taking a grumpy, and I wasn’t being bothered by anything. So there you have it kids, if you want to go to this truly secret poo-spot, than I would highly recommend going to the Ames Hotel Boston. Until next time folks, keep your toilet paper cushy and your seat warm.
 

Photo: The Secret Shitter
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The Omni Parker House

Photo: Secret Shitter
                I was walking home from the Microcentertrip after spending a good portion of my day in Cambridge. I was lucky that I was able to come away with a few deals on removable media storage for my new tablet, and for my keys. I like the idea of carrying a USB stick around on my key chain. I have all my information on there like what I am allergic too and what not. I also have a few Secret Shitter posts on there as well. However this day really hasn’t been good on my stomach, and I am starting to wonder if I have something medically wrong with me that makes me shit this often? But I guess my pain is your pleasure, to a degree. However this time is completely different, because this time my pleasure is your pleasure as we enter our next location, The Omni Parker House.
                Yes readers you heard me correctly, I took a dook in one of America’s haunted hotels. While I will get to the exorcism of my own demons later on, I am going to tell you what made me stumble across this, and why I was here.
                Now back in May when I started this blog I really didn’t think it would last past like four or five posts, I figured that I would run out of places to take a shit. Contrary to what you might think, I really do not go out of my way to find places to shit at. These places I sometimes stumble upon, and most of the time they are along my commute home from work. Some of the times too I am out and about running some kind of errands, and I need to go take a shit, that is how I end up in some of these places, but the Omni Parker House is directly on my route home. Ever since the MBTA shut down the Government Center Train Station, I have to walk from Park Street to State Street to get to the Blue Line home.
Photo: Secret Shitter

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I always see the bellhops flagging down cabs, and helping people with their luggage. I always said, Next time I have to shit, I am going to shit in there. Today would be the day I have waited for since starting the blog. I had to shit one other time and because it was nine at night, I didn’t want to go rooting around in an upscale hotel looking to shit in their bathroom so I can write about it on my blog. At that point I opted to go to The Walgreens on School Street, which ended up being a nightmarish poop.
                So where the bell hops are on School Streetin downtown, I sucked in my breath and I headed in for my covert operations. I knew that I totally looked out of place with my ripped up jeans and H & M polo shirt, but I figured why not? I am not doing anything illegal, and the picture I take I make absolutely certain that I am the only one in there at the time the pictures are taken. This way no one can call me a pervert, and I don’t have to explain to the cops about my poop blog making me sound like a raving lunatic. I know one of these days I am going to get caught doing this, but today would not be the day!
Photo: Secret Shitter
                I entered into the grand lobby and wow what a sight it was! There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and very deep colored wood engulfed you as you walk in. The trim in the lobby was gold of course, whether it was real gold or plated gold is beyond my knowledge. I walked around this lobby, and I found something to be quite odd. I could not for the life of me find a bathroom anywhere. I looked where each door was, and still I was completely stumped. I had to swallow my pride and ask an attendant standing by the elevators where it was I could take a poop.
                “Here it is”, I thought to myself, my first denial. But to my shocking surprise, the lady with a very wide smile told me the directions, and I was on my way. It was up on a third floor! I felt like fucking James Bond going undercover. This is the deepest that I have ever gone in my shitting expeditions. All of my training, all of my trials and errors, lead up to this moment. I knew that this was possibly my only shot at getting in to see this shitter, and I wasn’t going to waste it.
                Now like I said this bathroom is so hard to find even I couldn’t root it out. What you have to do is enter in through the School Street entrance. There will be a staircase that you walk up which will take you to the lobby. Pay this place no attention. There is another set of stairs directly to the right, on the landing of the first level, there is Parker’s Bar. It is not located there. You need to trek higher to unknown heights up on the third floor. Then when you get up to the floor that you need, you will see a hallways with a sign with small lettering. You want to go and take a left down here and maybe after about twenty or so steps, you will find the men’s room on your right hand side.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As I walked in I was immediately overwhelmed at my pooping choices. I have five stalls to choose from, except the handicap stall was out of order. Each stall also had a window shitter type design that you could look out from but couldn’t see into. A few places I have seen deploy these types of doors. The floor was a cream colored faux marble (or maybe it was real, it looked pretty impressive). The walls were a light yellow, almost a canary color and an extremely light colored grey. The material the walls were made from looked like a stucco of sorts. I mean it could have been for all that I know. Either way the décor looked elegant and relaxing.
                I opted for the middle-left of the stalls to start my pooping adventure. There was a very sturdy coat hanger affixed to the tops of each shutter shitter door. Although I really wish the handicap stall was not out of order. These stalls felt a little cramped to be honest. However it didn’t take away from the crapping experience in any way.
                The toilet paper was a very average two ply paper. I figured that they would stock the same toilet paper that The Custom House Marriott Hotel did, but to my chagrin, they did not. I am not saying that the toilet paper was bad in any stretch but it left a little more to be desired. I mean you had these marble floors, and faux stucco-like walls, why not stock the bathroom with the finest toilet paper? However I am not in charge of it, so I really don’t have any say. But I do have to listen every time my ass wails out in agony from cheap toilet paper. This toilet paper was very serviceable.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The automatic flusher took my mighty load down in one fell swoop. I was able to gather my belongings, and fix myself up before leaving the stall. On that note I do want to point out how few people actually came into the bathroom while I was using it. The lone urinal was positioned right in front of my stall so I had a good vantage point to see how many people were using this bathroom. I will say during the course of my ten plus minuet poop, only one other gentleman walked in. Actually two did but the other guy came in as I was leaving. So I am really not going to count him against the busyness score when I go to review this place.
                As I gazed up from washing my hands with the manual water and soap, I was able to take a good look around the joint. I picked up a paper towel to dry my hands, the only option by the way, and my concentration was broken. This paper towel was so lush and cushiony, it was able to dry my hands with just one towel. Usually I average about three paper towels if they are individual, or about two and a half clicks on the paper towel levers.
                Anyways back to the bathroom. I was able to take a good glance around upon my exit. I will say that not a damn thing was out of place in this fines establishment. I felt as though I was a noble in the 1800’s while I was pooping here. They definitely go around every hour and clean this bathroom and it shows.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now that you head of my tale in The Omni Parker House it is time once again to turn our attention to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember folks these rating are out of a possible five (5). Sometimes you want the number to be high, like with cleanliness, and others low, like busyness. The décor is totally subjected to my interpretation, so you might find it more aesthetically pleasing than I did. If you do, why don’t you sound off on the comment section below? Anyways, let us get back on track and get to the review.
Number of Stalls: 5

Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5

Stall Comfort: 4.5

Busyness: 1

Décor:5                                                                                                                               
Cleanliness: 5

Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating: 5
                Wow only our third five in all of the Secret Shitter posts! I mean in case you couldn’t tell I was really enthralled with this bathroom. Its décor was so elegant that it made me feel like shitting in this place was so far out of my league it wasn’t funny. The stall number alone was both staggering and kind of worrisome. Usually places with a high stall count, you expect it to be busy. But I found out something interesting upon my exit from the lavatory. There was a function room directly across the hallway from the bathroom. This totally explains why there is so many stalls in this particular bathroom. I believe the function room looked like it could hold a hefty number of people so why wouldn’t the bathroom reflect that? I am just lucky that there was nothing going on at the time of my poops-capade. Now another reason why this is an almost perfect score it because of the cleanliness and accessibility of this bathroom. This truly is a Secret Shitter! I don’t know how many of you knew about this, but I would be willing to bet a gentleman’s wager you didn’t. The stall felt a tad cramped, but honestly the color scheme made it feel so much more open that it really was. It was an optical illusion. I found that pretty fucking cool. The only real room for improvement here was the toilet paper quality. I mean it was above average serviceable two ply, but it didn’t impress me to be honest. I know it was better than what we normally get on this blog, but this is a total different class of shitters. At the end of the year it isn’t fair to compare a retail store with The Omni Parker House, or another shitter like The Custom House Marriott Hotel. So you have to kind of take these with a grain of salt so-to-speak. Well these you have it folks, if you want to feel like James Bond shitting (or Jane Bond) than I would highly, let me say that again louder, HIGHLY recommend that you take your next dump in The Omni Parker House. Until next time people, keep your eyes peeled because you never know when the Secret Shitter will strike at your location.
Photo: Secret Shitter
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Boston Park Plaza Hotel

Photo: Secret Shitter
                The great thing about this blog is that it rewards one of my great loves of meandering around the city of Boston. Since I was younger one of my favorite things to do has been to just walk around and soak up the sights and the sounds of the city. There are very few places I don’t walk around. When I used to drink one of my favorite recreational activities used to be getting off at random train stops and finding local bars. Since that ended a little over six months ago (the not drinking thing) this blog has become a better than adequate substitute for that. I get the same thrill I used to get except none of the asshole side effects. Plus I would never even think to go drinking in our next spot, The Boston Park Plaza Hotel.
                That high class hotel located right outside of Arlington MBTA station is our next destination in the lifestyles of the shit and famous. I was walking by the hotel debating with my inner self whether we could muster up another shit or not. Well after a few minutes of bickering we decided that maybe we could eek out another poo. So with that I headed in through the automatic revolving doors, and I was on my way.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now when you first enter the hotel the lobby is as grand as is it old. I was kind of lost with all of the sights that surrounded me. My poo-senses were tingling though, and I knew the poo-storm was about to come roaring on down. I looked around, and I didn’t find any obvious signs to where the bathroom is. There was a bar directly ahead to the far end of the wall, and the front desk was along the right side wall. There seemed to be some business centers to the left, and a set of stairs that led you to a conference which was going on. As much as I wanted to just go and crash the conference, I knew that my poo-cover would be exposed. However walking towards the left side stairs, I noticed a sign that pointed the way to the restroom, right down the little hall to the left just past the concierge station.
                I walked into the grand poo-palace and was completely taken aback by the décor of the establishment. Marble floors, and a grey and white tiled pattern adorned this bathroom. At first I was looking around and only saw three urinals, and thought something was amiss. I couldn’t find the shitters! I peeked around to what I thought was a closet, and the only reason I did so was because it had a shutter style top portion of a door, only to realize that is the shitter! And I didn’t even see the other one on the opposite side until I was ready to exit the bathroom.
                Well now that is a secret shit spot, when you can’t even find the bathroom IN the bathroom. Bravo good sir or ma’am, bravo. Now the shitter I took was a weird shape, it was a corner lot, kind of in the shape of a rounded triangle, which doesn’t sound all that spacious, but let me tell you, it totally was! I shut the door behind me and what did I see, not one, but TWO coat hangers affixed to the wall and door respectively. I actually had a choice where to hang my bag, man this is living.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As I said this was a spacious stall. There were tiled baseboards, and marble floors, along with a marble tiled back wall which the shitter rests against. Everything was in a grey, off-white, color scheme. It made the walls and bathroom feel a tad smaller than it actually might have been, but gave off the allure of being someplace with sophistication and elegance. As I sat down on the shitter trying to eke out a little poo for you guys, I could not stop hearing the weird techno music that was playing in the bathroom speakers. I personally am not a fan of the genera, but it definitely lent itself to the overall atmosphere of the bathroom.
                Now as I sat there trying to shit I was now in full absorption mode. I couldn’t help but notice how fucking busy the bathroom was. The door to the main bathroom entrance opened and closed at least six times while I was taking a shit. Thankfully nobody knocked on the stall door which I was occupying. I don’t know if they were just going in there to freshen up, or just take a quick leak, but either way the place was busy as hell.
                Now what would you expect from the toilet paper quality of a place this swanky? You would probably think it had the highest of the high. However you would be wrong. Actually the toilet paper was an average un-padded two ply. Not only that but one of the rolls were completely empty leaving only one roll full out of two. Needless to say I was disappointed, even though the bathroom appeared to be so clean you could eat in there, this left me with a little sour of a taste in my mouth.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As you can imagine a joint like this has all automatic everything. From flusher to sink, to soap and paper towel dispenser. But the weird thing was the way which you got the soap. It actually kind of confused me to be honest. You had to hold one hand under the nozzle and mimic the motion like it was a manual dispenser, only you don’t touch it at all. It felt really foreign and alien to me. To top off the experience they had those very plush paper towels on the right side of each sink allowing you to dry your hands with just one towel.
                Even though I didn’t want my experience to end, unfortunately everything we do in life will come to an end one way or another. So now it is time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that some categories you want low, like busyness, while others you want high, like cleanliness. Now that you sort of know the deal let’s dive right in.
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 4
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 4.5
 

Photo: Secret Shitter
                The Boston Park Plaza Hotel earns itself a 4.5 rating out of 5 on our scale. I mean it has all of the makings of a really awesome high-class shit spot, but it just failed to reach that next level. You have to know that I judge the hotel shitters a tad differently than I do others. They should be held to a higher standard in my opinion. They have all of the makeup of five star shitters, so they should be held to that standard. The toilet paper here was atrocious, it made my butthole shutter with its averageness. I mean it was well hidden, and the shitters themselves looked like closets, which was pretty cool. But the reason why this place scored a .5 below the perfect mark was because the toilet paper wasn’t fully stocked, and the one that was felt terrible on the behind. Not only that but this place was busy as fuck. Six different people entered and exited the bathroom, this is something more akin to a mall bathroom than a hotel lobby bathroom. Now there was a conference going on there, and maybe that had something to do with the spike in usage. However I am rarely in the Arlington Street area, and will most likely not reschedule a follow up visit for quite some time. Now let’s not kid ourselves, a 4.5 out of 5 isn’t anything to feel bad about. I mean it isn’t like this is the Walgreen’s on School Street. If you are out and about hoping around the bars and restaurants in this area than this is a perfectly acceptable place to go poop. Hell while you are at it go and have a drink over at that cool looking bar too. There was a waterfall and some comfy couches and chairs for you to lounge around on. Yeah if I were you that’s what I would do, go hang out in the lobby, than when the urge strikes, go and take a shit and experience it for yourself. And while you are there just do me a favor and have a drink or three for me. Until next time folks, happy shitting.
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Courtyard Marriott (Memorial Drive)

Photo: Secret Shitter
               So I recently bought anAsus Transformer tablet, which is pretty nice by the way, and I needed some accessories for it. Now when I bought the tablet, it came with a clip on keyboard thing which was pretty fucking cool. It has a USB slot so I can plug in external disk drives, and printers and all sorts of other shit. It is a window’s based tablet, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want an oversized Android or IPhone. So why in the blue blazes am I telling you about this? Well because I needed to go down to Microcenterand get some stuff, I was around the area I needed to be for our next location, The Courtyard Marriott at Memorial Drive.

                    Yup this bathroom has been on my radar ever since I started this blog. I knew on my last trip that the bathrooms on the first floor were closed while they were doing construction. Now fast forward at least ten months, and I am fairly certain that the construction would be complete. It seems as of late I have a knack for figuring out these things, and getting an inkling for stuff like this. I call it my “poopy Sense”. Much like Spiderman’s Spidey Sense, except mine is about bathrooms and taking dumps in them.

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Ok so there is a big square in the center of the lobby with the front desk to your right. Pay no attention to that. The key to shitting in hotel lobby bathrooms is; not looking like a vagrant, and being confident. You heard me correct, you need to be confident. See if you go in all timid, the staff is going to smell that a mile away. Even if you are playing off like you don’t know where you’re going, you still need to FEEL like you are staying in the hotel. Usually they don’t give a rat’s ass if you use their toilet or not, just so long as you don’t present yourself as a junkie or anything.
                Ok so I got a little off track there, but lets’ focus here. You have to shit, and you need to find the bathroom. So when you go through the automatic doors keep heading straight along the right side of the middle square. Turn to your left and directly in front of you should be the bathrooms. Don’t do what I did which was walk around the square a few times, passing by the front desk, this almost blew my cover.
                So now that you got in you are probably wondering how many stalls there are? Well there is exactly one truth be told. It is of the handicap variety too. I am totally loving this. There was a coat hanger on the door as well for me to hang up my things. Now that I was all situated it was time for me to hot the countdown timer and start our little evaluation.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now the toilet seat was kind of too high for me to be honest. I really do not like the feeling of my legs dangling as I heave a grumpy. I feel too much like a little kid pooping on the big boy’s toilet. However from my high vantage point I was able to soak in all of the comforts of this rest room. There was soft rock playing in the bathroom which masked the sounds of my farts, I thought that this was a very nice touch. Even though not too many people ending up coming through the bathroom while I was creating some sweet music of my own. I think I recall a total number of two people passing through the commode while I shat.
                Now the stall was spacious and roomy. Like I said earlier, it had a high seat. But I was able to sit down and soak in the sights and colors of the world around me. The floors were like a white-ish marble. The walls were predominantly peach, but they had a very cool design on them in deep gold. It kind of looked like small rectangles connected by a vertical line. I thought that this added to the allure of the stall. I thought that whomever did the redesign, did a thorough job as well. He or she totally thought this one through and it shows.
                With that said, do not be deceived by the fancy look of the bathroom alone. Because the toilet paper situation just made me want to hang my head in shame. So far this bathroom had everything going for it. But just and I went to rip my first round off of the roll, I noticed how cheap this two ply felt between my fingers. My asshole confirmed my suspicions when I went to wipe the poo goo from it. Man that toilet paper actually tore my asshole up!
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The disappointed wiping experience led me to see if the toilet would take down my turd burger in one gulp. I figured that maybe they were cutting corners in other hidden areas of the bathroom. Thankfully the water washed away all of the brown nuggets I left as presents for the sewer people below.
                Next I began my hand washing ritual. I used the manual sink and soap to wash my hands thoroughly. The only option here for drying was paper towels. The paper towels were a little better than average, which I thought was nice. But this is usually the second time, with acclimated eyes, I get to gander around the rest room and inspect the cleanliness. I am happy to report to you guys that nothing seemed out of place here in this rest room. Everything was very neat, clean, and lead to an overall pleasant atmosphere.
                With poo-poo time all said and done with, it is not time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. This is where I put the screws on each bathroom with a critic’s eye, now remember all of these ratings are out of a possible five (5). Some of the numbers you want high, like Cleanliness, while others you want low, like Busyness. Now that you sort of know what is going on, let us begin our review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 3
Overall Rating: 4.5
                Even though this bathroom has terrible toilet paper I still gave it an almost perfect score. It is hidden and out of the way, making this a perfect poop spot for anyone to enjoy. The one stall really wasn’t a factor in the least bit because of how few people used the restroom while I was there. The stall itself was spacious and comfortable, so that was pretty awesome. The décor of the place was very nice compared to what it used to be. If I remember correctly it was more like wooden-business like, than anything. This is a very welcome design change. I love the peach and the white. I think those colors go fantastic together, and it made for a very mellow experience. I also thoroughly enjoyed the soft rock playing overhead. If anyone is timid of public pooping, than rest assured because this bathroom will mask your terrible fart sounds. I would like to also point out how clean the facility was too. It isn’t every bathroom lives up to those kinds of standards. Now I would like to say that if you are ever at Microcenter getting some computer stuff, take a short walk over to the Courtyard Marriott Hotel on Memorial Drive and take a beefy dump, you will thank me later.
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Custom House Marriott Hotel

A View of the Enterance
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter
                Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the top of the mountain, and all that dwells below. I have walked through hell, and I have ascended into a higher realm of reality. I did so entering the Custom House Marriott Hotel late last night. Now before I left for work, I did something I shouldn’t have, I went and pooped. I guess I dropped my load off too soon, and I feared that I would not be able to accomplish any kind of review on this night. However a Grande Iced Americano from the local Starbucks revved my sphincters’ engine loud and proud for round two of the evening.
   Now I always walk by the Custom House Marriott Hotel without ever realizing it. It is the iconic clock tower which adorns Boston’sskyline. Now as I was just having second thoughts about going number two, I decided to take the plunge and just go for it.
     I walked into the elegant circular lobby and my eyes were met with a dazzling array of sights. Circular leather chairs arranged so they were pointing in each direction of the different wings of the hotel. There were two desks aligned in a quarter circle surrounding one half of the lobby. In all of my wonder and amazement I realized I was alone, or so I thought. A voice came out from around me, and it said “can I help you”? Why yes you can kind sir. I told the front desk agent that I wished to use the facilities, and he handed me an electronic key card. He then told me the restrooms were straight ahead on my right, I couldn’t miss it. So I took the twenty-something’s advice and headed for my next destination.
                
A View of the Throne, Photo; The Secret Shitter
     After tapping the key card on the sensor I opened the door to my astounded eyes and saw my lone throne sitting at the end of a deep set bathroom. I was dazzled by brilliance and baffled by my own bullshit; I could not believe they were letting a lone pooper such as myself in to use this grand bathroom. I shut the door and turned around to find a very posh-yet-functional coat hanger on the door. I hung my bag up knowing it was my journalistic duty to get down to some business.
                
     The far end of the bathroom, where the toilet lies, was a tad dark. I thought to myself that was a tad peculiar. So as I looked down to my right I noticed a sensor-type light switch which had a button and an LED screen. I pushed the button and low and behold the throne lit up. What I found was cool about this was the LED screen had a countdown timer that started from twenty minutes. So I decided that now I was under the gun and it was time to release some brown arsenal of my own.
                
     The toilet was just at the perfect height above the ground. In this position I was able to gather the thoughts that were bouncing through my head. This is totally how the other half of society lives, and now that I have had a taste of it, I want more!
                
     The floor was made of marble, or really convincing faux marble and the walls were adorned with gold tiles with some slim black accent to it. The black accent gave the tiles an upscale feeling which permeated around the room like the gas from which I released from my bowels. The mirror had a very nice antique-like cut to it, bordered with a deep colored wood trim. The sink counter matched the tiled floor perfectly. As I sat there and soaked up the atmosphere I noticed the large framed flowered artwork which hung on the right hand wall.
   
Tis a long way away to my bag, Photo; The Secret Shitter

          

     After soaking in the elegant décor, I realized that the true test was about to begin. I looked down to notice two rolls of very posh toilet paper hung on their spindles besides me. One was hung in the “over” fashion, and the other in the “Under” fashion. As I gently test the toilet paper by placing the tissue in between my index finger and thumb and proceed to press, I know I am in for a heavenly wiping experience. It was plush and felt as though it was made of the top-of-the-line material. They clearly had some money and they wanted to flaunt it. My initial suspicions were confirmed as I wiped my sweaty stained anus. With a bounce in my step I pulled up my drawers and I headed for the hand washing area of the restroom.
                
     En route to the hand washing area, I noticed that the automatic flusher did not take down my less than usual load. While it took down the important stuff, it left behind some paper on the halfway point of the bowl. I placed my hand under the automatic faucet to wet my hands. I then waved my hands over the Sloan soap dispenser and was not surprised by the odd timing delay of the soap. While the whole process took about one-and-one-quarter cycles I turned my attention to the hand drying station. I was not surprised that there was only one option; paper towels. These towels were also of the same caliber that the toilet paper was.
                
     After returning the key card to the front desk, I gave my thanks and I headed towards a bench to write down my notes. I have truly and thoroughly enjoy the shit which I just took.
                
A Clean Floor is a Happy Floor
Photo: Secret Shitter
     So now that you have read all about my experience, I guess it is time that we rate this bathroom, Secret Shitter style! Now remember my loyal readers that this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 5
Busyness: 0
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 5
                You have just witnessed history here on The Secret Shitter folks; a near perfect 5 star rating, a first here on The Secret Shitter! Now the only reason why this is not a perfect score is due to the accessibility criteria. You must first go in through the gatekeeper at the front desk who shall decide your pooping fate. I imagine that depending on how you look, you may or may not be able to access this oasis of a shitter. But with all of that considered, this toilet is truly a home run in every facet. This property takes pride in their pooper and it shows! There was nothing out of place in this bathroom, and everything was in complete working order. I was also a fan of the countdown timer. The toilet paper was supple and soft as it caressed my butthole. So now that you know how awesome of a shitter there is right outside of the Quincy Market area, I would highly suggest that if the butt-gremlins come a-callin’ that you give them an upscale burial at The Custom House Marriott Hotel.
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