Category Archives: Hotel Bathrooms

Maine: Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

On today’s adventure, we are on the outskirts of the beautiful old port district in Portland Maine. The streets are getting less seedy, and are starting to show some groovy vibes. While on my way to the old port district some bad vibes were harshin’ my bowels. Over a small hill, I saw our next site, The Holiday Inn Portland.

                What made this scene, even more fun was the National Sheriff Conference that was taking place on the first floor. These bad hombre’s were everywhere! Surely the Secret Shitter has met his match? I could literally, figuratively, and metaphorically get arrested 8 ways to Sunday.

                I marched right past the badge distribution sheriff to find the bathroom on the left-hand side of the small hallway at the bottom of the escalators coming in from the front door. You won’t find signs for it, so it is important to make a note of the path to the poop splash.

                When you walk in, you get blasted by the mute white walls. You will notice the snazzy looking yellow flowers that were eloquently placed on opposite ends of the sink. You will see a large baby changing station. Now you will cast your eyes on your three stall choices. They are all very large and feature coat hooks.

                Surprisingly the bathroom was not that busy. There were a couple of people who meandered in while I was giving the toilet some rough justice of my own. Weirdly enough there were no cops in the bathroom. That was a godsend for obvious reasons.

                The toilet paper was a measly one ply. It was harsh and cruel. I did not like it. This bathroom also boasts a manual flusher, sink, and soap dispenser. They did have paper towels, though,  I wonder if that could influence their rating?

                Speaking of ratings we have to get to the Secret Shitter Review.

Number of Stalls: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 3
Total Score: 3 Stars


                The Portland Holiday Inn is exactly what you would expect from a large chain hotel bathroom. The décor is nice enough, and the cleanliness is usually near top-notch. The hard to find shitter is normally a good thing. However, I don’t like walking through a get together of law enforcement officers knowing I am about to go into a bathroom and snap pictures as part of my review. I rolled the dice on this and won. I always have a small amount of apprehension when it comes to funneling some brown gold down the old’ pipeline. There is always the off-chance that I can get caught and have to explain this shit posting I do. So to summarize this post, the toilet is pretty average for a hotel. I have seen better, I have seen worse.

Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

Address: 88 Spring St, Portland, ME 04101
Phone: (207) 775-2311

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5


Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.


Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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Providence, Rhode Island: Courtyard Mariott Providence Downtown

IMG_20160331_005556_937  I was walking along in Downtown Providence past the river, and I was just sort of lost. I had every intention of conquering this city’s poopers one stall at a time but now that I am a fish out of water, and it was time for me to hunker down! As I was walking towards the financial district, trying to find the H.P. Lovecraft house, I happen to notice a sign which read, “Marriott Hotel” on the side of this brick building. There wasn’t an entrance in this place, just the sign. So my curiosity got the best of me and as I rounded the corner up a small hill I spotted our next location, The Courtyard Marriott Providence Downtown.

There were two bus’ parked on the hill leading to the front door. When I got closer to the door I noticed there were NCAA stickers plastered on every inch of the window. Apparently a portion of the Final Four tournament was being held in Providence. This hotel wanted you to know that if you were here for the NCAA then you are welcome! I walked in to the see some young college kids on the right giving out pamphlets of “things to do in Providence”. I wanted none of that. I walked right past the reception desk and turned to the hallway on my right and headed that way. Along the middle of the hallway there is a smaller one where the bathrooms are located.

When you walk into the bathroom you will notice one lone solitary stall directly IMG_20160331_005556_967
ahead of you, and a urinal on your right. I had no problems finding the joint, and I was afraid it would be busy as a bee, but it wasn’t. See everyone was trying to find their rooms or trying to find the bar, me on the other hand, I was in it for the shitter! That stall was a handicap one and it was quite large and roomy. There wasn’t a coat hook on the door, but the stall was so large and clean I could put my bag down on the floor without worrying.

I sat down to take my shit, and again I was expecting at least a couple of people to use the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting it to be so dead. The other nice thing about this bathroom was the music which was playing softly in the background. It was nice to know I could let my butt trumpet wail and there was at least a modest attempt to cover up the awful noises with some classic soft rock.


                Now sitting here, I had quite a bit of time to soak up the sights the bathroom had
to offer. There was a weird abstract painting of what appeared to be tie designs hanging on the wall. But it was a nice contrast to the bright red walls with beige pattern running IMG_20160331_005556_952along the wallpaper. Now the Marriott Hotel’s seem to have this odd sort of connecting rectangle pattern that you can’t really see upon first glance. I wish I took a closer picture of the design to show you what I meant because looking at my pictures it seems like the walls were just red. Go through some of my previous reviews to find The Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive in Cambridge Massachusetts to see the design pattern up close and personal. The only thing that differs from the Cambridge Marriott’s Bathroom to this one is the Cambridge Marriott’s color scheme was peach and black, this one was red and beige. The walls in the stall were lined with this light-brown stone-looking tiles which were totally cheap and not the real deal. You can tell by knocking on them. These seemed to be the ones that you install when you are short on money. Now the floors were the same color tone as the tiles lining the walls only they were a shade or two lighter.

                To illustrate my point about the cheapness of the whole façade we have to look no
further than the toilet paper the hotel provided. It was in one of those oversized toilet paper holders. If you don’t know anything else about toilet paper quality know this; an IMG_20160331_005556_996oversized roll means that the quality is compromised over quantity. See companies will put oversize toilet paper in here because they don’t have to change it as often. The number one thing to look for in a good toilet paper is the size of the roll. This toilet paper was not top notch by any stretch, but it did the job. It felt cheap against my cheeks and it took more than usual to clean myself to the point where I felt comfortable leaving.

The toilet flusher was a manual flush. The soap was also manual, along with the sink. The only good thing about the clean-up process was the fact that they offered paper towels to use for hand drying. Although the paper towels were thin and small which made me use a more paper towels to dry my hands then I normally would.

So now that we know all that there is to know, let us begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these ratings are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3



We’re giving the Marriott Courtyard Providence Downtown a solid 3 Star rating. Some of the pros include; it is hard to find, it is not busy, and it was pretty clean. The cons on the other hand would be; the toilet paper quality. Yeah this place looked really nice, and was pretty hard to find, and they had some soft rock playing in the background. It all adds up to a better than average experience, but the carelessness of the toilet paper quality really sets this place back a few points. Now if they replaced the toilet paper brand with a better quality one, then this would easily be a 4 Star Shitter. However, this TP will rip your ass apart, and it will do so slowly, and painfully. I enjoyed both the décor, and the abstract tie painting. I was also fond of the bold colors of the bathroom. I thought it looked distinguished enough to be on the higher end of the shitter’s I’ve visited, but ultimately it comes up short. Trying to find the front door is also a bit of a challenge. This place is really hidden, and you really have to go on a trek to find it. I just wish that the end result would be better worth your time. On the other hand, if you were walking along in Downtown Providence, this place is totally good enough for you to take a shit, providing that you didn’t walk past the building. With all that in mind the housekeepers do a really good job of cleaning the place, so the bathroom has that going for it as well. On the other hand, you are given some demon-like toilet paper to wipe your ass with. So with that in mind, keep the Courtyard Marriott Downtown Providence on your pooping to-do list.

Like what you are reading? Did you know we are going to be coming out with two new books? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, along with The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Those will be available hopefully by the end of the summer/early fall. Please remember to share the page and posts you like, and I will see all of you on Monday for our next review: Portland Maine: Starbucks on Commercial Street.

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.IMG_20160309_143415_100

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

IMG_20160309_143415_185           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The IMG_20160309_143415_171baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

IMG_20160309_143415_158     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_143415_131

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2


Overall Rating: 3.5


I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.


OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.



Hotel Buckminster

           Our next adventure brings us to the Hotel Buckminster located in Kenmore Square. I am pretty sure this about does it for public restrooms in this neighborhood of Boston, but you never know. The sign for the hotel is located right on the corner of Brookline Avenue and Commonwealth Avenue. But the entrance to the hotel is located around the corner on Commonwealth Avenue.

            Out of all the times I have walked by here I have never actually been inside of the hotel itself. I used to walk by it and just say the name of the hotel in a bad English accent. But today would be different, not only would I go into the hotel, but I would take a crap in it!

            So once you walk up the stairs, you are in quite possibly the smallest hotel lobby I have stepped foot in to date. There are a few chairs for you to sit down in, but it is pretty much a wood covered room (a very classy touch I might add) and a desk with an agent. I don’t think you are going to get into the restroom without declaring your need to use said restroom. So begrudgingly I asked the front desk agent if I could use the restroom. Even though he was very pleasant, I still don’t like asking people to use the restroom. Maybe I am afraid of getting outed as The Secret Shitter. Even though my name is all over it, and my picture appears in our first book, I still don’t like the employees to know it is me. Although this hasn’t been a problem to date, I just feel like it would skew the results if I were to be noticed in public.

            Anyway enough of that chatter, the very nice front desk agent told me that the restroom was down the hall on the right hand side. There are literally only two ways you can go in this hotel, and I stupidly didn’t even notice the sign pointing to the restroom. Either way they knew I was there to use the restroom, and thus didn’t call the cops on me for just walking in there.

            So I come to the door on the right which has the bathroom. It is a one stall private inter-gender restroom. Just a toilet and a sink. I turned on the light, and tried to locate the coat hook to hang my bag up. I will say that the light in the restroom was quite dim. It actually took a good five to seven minutes for the light to reach “normal” brightness. I was pretty much just pooping in a darkened room. Oh yeah I was trying to find the coat hook to hang my bag up. So Here is what the situation is like. The bathroom itself is very tiny. Not much room other than a toilet, and a sink. On the opposite side of the door was a 3M coat hook. Like the one you would buy at a target. That is what this hotel had to hang your coat up with. I hate those things. They are very small for being a coat hook, and I was almost positive it would have fallen down if I had actually put my bag on said hook. So I opted to just lay my bag down by the bottom of the door and hope for the best.

            I will say that the restroom itself was very tidy. I mean I don’t know how it couldn’t be considering how small it was. There was barley any room to move around here, and there was an old style radiator just chillin’ in there with you. This bathroom is already displeasing me. I will say that the décor of the shitter was of a brownish hue. Not much more to say other than that. Also on another note, not a soul bothered me while I was in there making some brown décor of my own.

            As you can imagine the toilet and sink were of the manual variety. The bathroom also boasted a paper towel only hand drying option. By the time I was done drying my hands the light had reached full brightness. With my hands all dry and my belly emptied of the poo, I thanked the front desk agent, and I went off about my way.

            Now that you have heard the rather uneventful tale of my pooping adventure, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review…
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 1
Overall Rating: 3

            The Hotel Buckminster got an average Three Stars out of a possible five. This was literally the most boring dump I had taken to date. Nothing went wrong outside of the lights taking an incredibly long time to heat up. It was just, average. The comfort factor was low, and the coat hook was flimsy at best. I am not saying this is a bad place to take a shit or anything, but it isn’t going to wow you. It is just bland. The lights taking its’ time to heat up leaves you in a dimly lit bathroom. I felt like I should have lit a cigarette just to give it ambiance. Like I said, there really isn’t anything to write home about when it comes to this toilet. I actually kind of feel like I deprived you guys by reviewing it. I wish something would have happened to me while I took a dump here but sadly, it was just average. Even the fucking toilet paper was average. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. And that ladies and gentlemen describes the Hotel Buckminster, it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, but it will get the job done.

            Are you still looking for that wild factor? Why not just go over to Amazon and buy our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1? It has all sorts of wild tales of dooking around the city. And it can fit easily inside of a purse, briefcase, or backpack. So take the only guidebook you really need with you wherever you are! Until next time, Peace. 

Residence Inn Marriott Hotel: Back Bay Fenway

           Sometimes you just have to go. This is the situation I found myself in when I went to our next destination, The Residence in Marriott Hotel. Now I am no stranger to the pooping danger, and hotel bathrooms have been pretty good to me. They are free, and if you don’t look homeless, chances are they will let you go right on in and use the bathroom without having to buy anything, or do anything special to gain entrance.


            When you enter the hotel you will see that the lobby is quite large. There is a little area to the left after you walk in where they serve coffee and tea. Right in front of you will be the front desk. There will be no way around it, you will have to ask to use the bathroom here. The restrooms are marked, but it is only once you start walking down towards that area the signs become visible.
Toilet            So what if you don’t want to tell the front desk agent you got a dook monster lurking in your loins? Well here is what you do. Remember when I told you about the coffee and tea to your left? Keep that information in your head. That room has an open design, but there is a small hallway that keeps going, that is where the bathroom is located. If you keep walking down this way, turn left and you will find the bathrooms.
            When you walk into the bathroom you will notice that there is only one stall. Just to my liking it is a handicap stall. I guess if you are going to have just one stall it needs to be a handicap one. Any way I was pumped. I got in and began my evaluation of the Fenway area pooper.
            You know what was great about it? There were two hooks to hang your coat on. One hook for your bag, and another for your jacket. These are the things that I like to see in a bathroom. Someone must like to poop like me. But either way you will also find that the stall is rather comfortable and large. It is the size of the wall and takes up a nice chunk of the bathroom.
            The other great thing about this bathroom was being able to poop in peace for a solid ten minutes without being interrupted in the least. Not only did nobody come and knock on the door, but nobody even came in to take a piss. I normally go and use the bathrooms at night after work, but on this day it was somewhere around eleven o’clock in the morning. So needless to say I was shocked when it came to the fact that the bathroom was barren.
            Now the décor of the pooper was pretty different. The walls were a manage of brown, grey, and white. While the floor tiles were grey with a touch of lime green. Now that is the wild factor I look for. Very few places incorporate green into their color schemes, it is usually dark, woody, colors. Adding the lime green to the light grey made the bathroom seem light and airy.
            So while frolicking through the poop-fields, it was sadly time to end my stay here, which means I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now you can have the best décor, a heated toilet seat, hell you could even have a washroom attendant, but all of that goes out the window if you have subpar toilet paper. Actually the toilet paper that was in this bathroom was a quite cushy two ply. The only downside was that one of the two toilet paper holders was broken. I am sure somebody knows and have worked on it since I went in there, but you cannot be too sure. Nothing in my notes stood out to me expect the nice quality of the toilet paper, so with that deed done, the automatic flusher took my offering to the mole people living beneath Boston, and I was on my way.
     Dryer       It is also worth mentioning that the hand washing facilities were automatic as well. With a paper towel drying apparatus. So that is always good too. So now that we are in the know, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 5
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 5
Busyness: 1
Overall Rating: 5
            That’s right, we are going to give the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel Five Stars. Considering that this hotel is nestled in one of the busiest districts of Boston (Fenway Neighborhood) and it was mid-day, and not a single person even came in to take a leak, I consider this bathroom an oasis in the dessert of shit. What really set the bathroom over the edge was the subtle use of lime green in the tiles. Yeah I know what you are saying to yourself, that is all it takes to impress you? Well, yes, and no. I applaud the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel and their design team when it comes to the color scheme, but it is more about the seclusion and about the security of my anus to be honest. Not to mention the toilet paper didn’t rip my asshole to shreds. Even though one of the toilet paper holders were broken, I am sure that it has been rectified by the time of this writing. I can’t imagine that a hotel will let something like that go for too long without it being checked out. Yeah there is some generic Red Sox pictures hanging in the bathroom, but that is to be expected in the Fenway Neighborhood of Boston. So if you are down that way before a game, or are just in the neighborhood this is a must poop place.


            Think I got it right, want to add some of your own stories? Sound off in the comment section below.
            Also have you heard that we have a book out? You did? Did you get it? Why not? Keep The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 in your bag and never fear pooping in public again. Get to KNOW the bathrooms before you have to GO to the bathroom. The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 makes a great Birthday gift, or a gift for any time of the year. So head on over to and pick your copy up today!


            Until next time, Peace.