Category Archives: Cambridge

Alewife MBTA Station

This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.IMG_20160309_181246_399

I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.

So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.

According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.

So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.

IMG_20160309_181246_359       Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?

Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was IMG_20160309_181246_386going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.

Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.

A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.

I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 0

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_181246_373

Cleanliness: 0

Décor: 0

Toilet Paper Quality: 0

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 0

Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.

Update (3/12/16):

The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.

 

I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.

 

Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.

 

Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.

 

* “Ridership and Service Statistics” (PDF) (14 ed.).Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. 2014. Retrieved 5 July 2015.

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alewife_(MBTA_station)#cite_note-bluebook-2

Star Market – Porter Square

                Oompa Loompa Dookity doo, I’ve got another shitter for you. This time I saddled up my horse and headed down over to Cambridge, or is it Somerville? How about we call it Camberville for now? My next adventure took me to good old Porter Square. Now I was in this part of town visiting an old friend, but before I went over to his house, I thought I would drop off this monster crap to the dooky day care.
                Within Porter Square your options are kind of limited to be honest. I had been saving this shit up since I took the first sip of my coffee in the morning. I was actually surprised at myself that I had waited so long to take this shit. So when you get out at Porter Square (from the MBTA Station) your options are kind of limited. I scanned my surrounding, meanwhile the monster is getting into position pointing himself straight down my shit cannon, then I saw it, the Star Market.
                Supermarkets in America have long been a friend of my ass. I have shat in quite a few in my day, and since this was basically the only option, I decided to go in and take a look around. When you head in the entrance closest to the Michael’s you turn to your right and keep going straight. You keep all of the registers to your right, and in the Non-GMO Gluten-Free Organic meat section there will be a sign pointing to the left. Follow that sign and the restroom will be dead ahead of you.
                When I first walked in I will say that the décor jumped out at me. The overall theme in here seemed to be Earth tones. The walls were an array of green, white, and light brown. With the tiles also bearing the color of brown. You will also notice that there is a urinal to your left, and one stall where you and do the doo.
                This stall was mighty in both size and girth. I will say for a supermarket shitter this one was quite large considering the amount of people it serves on a daily basis. When you enter the stall you will notice that there are two locks. Unfortunately, they are not for double protection. It seems like this stall was recently worked on and the hole for the circle lock didn’t exist anymore. That is ok though because right above it was a latch, which I think is much sturdier.
                There was only one coat hook on the door. With the weather in the thirties I am in full blown winter gear. The hook held my jacket admirably, but there was no place for my bag. That is until I turned around. Right in front of me was the strangest looking contraption I have seen in a shitter to date. Now I am familiar with the baby changing stations which sometimes are installed into the handicap stalls, but this was not a baby changing station. It was a baby seat in which you strap junior into to make him witness daddy making a boom-boom. Bravo Star Market, you have introduced me to a crazy new concept in the art of shitting, actually making a small human watch you dook!
                Now that I was situated I sat down to do my business. While sitting there I could hear people talking outside. There was some sort of deli, or fish counter right outside of the bathroom. However, I wish I paid more attention to my surroundings and I wish I could tell you definitively what type of counter it was, but alas next time I won’t be so aloof. So back to business, when I was sitting there a sound all of a sudden rang out. It was an alarm of some kind going off in the back of the counter. I could hear some people bickering back and forth, but the only thing my deaf ears could make out was, “Next time try to be more careful”. So with the alarm turned off I could go back to my regularly scheduled shit. With this many people in the store I thought this bathroom would be really busy. To my surprise only two people came in to take a leak, and according to my ears, only one of them washed their hands.
                After I was done doing the honey doo doo, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Upon first glance I did register it as the one ply variety. However, normally I won’t say this about one ply, but it was super soft! It was like my mind was literally and figuratively blown. I knew there had to be a catch. I don’t think science has caught up with the art of penny pinching quite yet. When I went to grab another bunch for round two of swiping, I found my red herring. The toilet paper didn’t actually come out in one continuous stream. So this very soft one ply toilet paper kept shredding in my hands as I went to pull it down. At first I thought I was tugging too hard, but after using a softer touch, it was still shredding. The top of the container was a translucent black, so I could peer inside, and there was only one roll in there with nothing theoretically stopping the flow of toilet paper. After a grueling two minutes fighting with the terrible toilet roll, I was finally done.
                The toilet and sinks were both manual. There was an Xcelerator air dryer in there. I don’t particularly care for those, they tend to leave my hand a little moister than I would like it to be. I did notice that there was hand sanitizer as well attached to the wall, but it was completely empty when I went to use it. Good thing I bring my own…
                Ok so now that you know the bathroom it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Accessibility: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Décor: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Busyness: 2
Overall Rating: 4
                The Star Market in Porter Square outperformed in every way. I really thought this was going to be a bad place to shit, but I was pleasantly surprised to report the exact opposite. It is sort of easy to find and they have that cool baby seat contraption in here. This is totally a place I would look forward to coming back to. It was bright, clean, and it wasn’t too busy. It has all the makings of a Five Star Review, except for the toilet paper. I was shocked by the quality of the one ply, and if you know me, I wouldn’t say something like that normally. The only drawback was when the toilet paper was being dispensed. I like to roll my toilet paper up, not use a shredded TP ball to wipe my ass. So with that being said, the Star Market in Porter Square scores a very commendable Four Stars.
You do know that we have a book out right? Did you know that the proceeds from the book will send me to another city? Well if you would like to see me rate bathrooms in your city, buy the book here.
Do you have any suggestions for me? Do you want to drop me a line and just say hi? Email me at; Secret.shitter617@gmail.comalso don’t forget to like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter.

 

Until next time, peace.

Courtyard Marriott (Memorial Drive)

Photo: Secret Shitter
               So I recently bought anAsus Transformer tablet, which is pretty nice by the way, and I needed some accessories for it. Now when I bought the tablet, it came with a clip on keyboard thing which was pretty fucking cool. It has a USB slot so I can plug in external disk drives, and printers and all sorts of other shit. It is a window’s based tablet, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want an oversized Android or IPhone. So why in the blue blazes am I telling you about this? Well because I needed to go down to Microcenterand get some stuff, I was around the area I needed to be for our next location, The Courtyard Marriott at Memorial Drive.

                    Yup this bathroom has been on my radar ever since I started this blog. I knew on my last trip that the bathrooms on the first floor were closed while they were doing construction. Now fast forward at least ten months, and I am fairly certain that the construction would be complete. It seems as of late I have a knack for figuring out these things, and getting an inkling for stuff like this. I call it my “poopy Sense”. Much like Spiderman’s Spidey Sense, except mine is about bathrooms and taking dumps in them.

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Ok so there is a big square in the center of the lobby with the front desk to your right. Pay no attention to that. The key to shitting in hotel lobby bathrooms is; not looking like a vagrant, and being confident. You heard me correct, you need to be confident. See if you go in all timid, the staff is going to smell that a mile away. Even if you are playing off like you don’t know where you’re going, you still need to FEEL like you are staying in the hotel. Usually they don’t give a rat’s ass if you use their toilet or not, just so long as you don’t present yourself as a junkie or anything.
                Ok so I got a little off track there, but lets’ focus here. You have to shit, and you need to find the bathroom. So when you go through the automatic doors keep heading straight along the right side of the middle square. Turn to your left and directly in front of you should be the bathrooms. Don’t do what I did which was walk around the square a few times, passing by the front desk, this almost blew my cover.
                So now that you got in you are probably wondering how many stalls there are? Well there is exactly one truth be told. It is of the handicap variety too. I am totally loving this. There was a coat hanger on the door as well for me to hang up my things. Now that I was all situated it was time for me to hot the countdown timer and start our little evaluation.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now the toilet seat was kind of too high for me to be honest. I really do not like the feeling of my legs dangling as I heave a grumpy. I feel too much like a little kid pooping on the big boy’s toilet. However from my high vantage point I was able to soak in all of the comforts of this rest room. There was soft rock playing in the bathroom which masked the sounds of my farts, I thought that this was a very nice touch. Even though not too many people ending up coming through the bathroom while I was creating some sweet music of my own. I think I recall a total number of two people passing through the commode while I shat.
                Now the stall was spacious and roomy. Like I said earlier, it had a high seat. But I was able to sit down and soak in the sights and colors of the world around me. The floors were like a white-ish marble. The walls were predominantly peach, but they had a very cool design on them in deep gold. It kind of looked like small rectangles connected by a vertical line. I thought that this added to the allure of the stall. I thought that whomever did the redesign, did a thorough job as well. He or she totally thought this one through and it shows.
                With that said, do not be deceived by the fancy look of the bathroom alone. Because the toilet paper situation just made me want to hang my head in shame. So far this bathroom had everything going for it. But just and I went to rip my first round off of the roll, I noticed how cheap this two ply felt between my fingers. My asshole confirmed my suspicions when I went to wipe the poo goo from it. Man that toilet paper actually tore my asshole up!
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The disappointed wiping experience led me to see if the toilet would take down my turd burger in one gulp. I figured that maybe they were cutting corners in other hidden areas of the bathroom. Thankfully the water washed away all of the brown nuggets I left as presents for the sewer people below.
                Next I began my hand washing ritual. I used the manual sink and soap to wash my hands thoroughly. The only option here for drying was paper towels. The paper towels were a little better than average, which I thought was nice. But this is usually the second time, with acclimated eyes, I get to gander around the rest room and inspect the cleanliness. I am happy to report to you guys that nothing seemed out of place here in this rest room. Everything was very neat, clean, and lead to an overall pleasant atmosphere.
                With poo-poo time all said and done with, it is not time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. This is where I put the screws on each bathroom with a critic’s eye, now remember all of these ratings are out of a possible five (5). Some of the numbers you want high, like Cleanliness, while others you want low, like Busyness. Now that you sort of know what is going on, let us begin our review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 3
Overall Rating: 4.5
                Even though this bathroom has terrible toilet paper I still gave it an almost perfect score. It is hidden and out of the way, making this a perfect poop spot for anyone to enjoy. The one stall really wasn’t a factor in the least bit because of how few people used the restroom while I was there. The stall itself was spacious and comfortable, so that was pretty awesome. The décor of the place was very nice compared to what it used to be. If I remember correctly it was more like wooden-business like, than anything. This is a very welcome design change. I love the peach and the white. I think those colors go fantastic together, and it made for a very mellow experience. I also thoroughly enjoyed the soft rock playing overhead. If anyone is timid of public pooping, than rest assured because this bathroom will mask your terrible fart sounds. I would like to also point out how clean the facility was too. It isn’t every bathroom lives up to those kinds of standards. Now I would like to say that if you are ever at Microcenter getting some computer stuff, take a short walk over to the Courtyard Marriott Hotel on Memorial Drive and take a beefy dump, you will thank me later.
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Cambridgeside Galleria

     The Cambridgeside Galleria is home to a myriad assortment of your regular commonplace stores. However it does boast a Taco Bell on the MBTA Green Line; which is where our next shitting escapade takes us.
              
     Located off of the Lechmere train stop, The Cambridgeside Galleria is your typical mall within the Boston city limits. I have had to use the facilities here on more than one occasion. This review is based on the last time I went and took the browns to the local super bowl.
              
a look at the wall inside the handicap stall, photo credit: secret shitter
     Just a little past the food court on your right side you will find a hallway with a restroom sign. As you saunter down the hall towards the porcelain paradise, you are conspicuously behind all of the entrances to the food court vendors. You will notice people walking up and down with various company uniforms, some headed to stock rooms, others to the rest rooms.

               
      After a short (50’) walk you will notice people standing around; women with baby carriages, and girlfriends waiting impatiently for their boyfriends playing on Snapchat or whatever the hell the kids do now-a-days.
               
      As you enter into this behemoth of a rest room, you will notice about four sinks directly in front of you. As you turn you are met with a large industrial sized trash can to throw out various things. You will notice there are an ample amount of stalls I believe there are four, plus the handicap one. This bathroom has the most ample amount of shitters we have reviewed to date here on The Secret Shitter. There are also eight urinals (four on each opposing wall), on one side there are full sized ones, and on the other side there are four slightly lower ones; presumably for the little ones.
              
       On this glorious day; and I saw glorious day because I was able to chow down on some Taco Bell, a delicacy in my household, I was able to secure myself the handicap stall. Now this stall was very large. When I closed the door it instantly garnered some brownie points, it has a coat hanger. However the door latch was a little tough to lock. Maybe due to overuse, it probably could use some WD-40. However even though this door had a coat hanger, the hanger itself was a little flimsy. If you put anything heavy on it, I would think you would have a hard time keeping the door latched shut.
               
       The thing that really got me about this crapper is how busy it actually was. Now I know that the numbers for our busyness rating will be a tad skewed, after all this is a mall in a major metropolitan city. But what happened to me throughout the course of my anal cleansing was nothing less than unsatisfactory. Now some people do not like to dook in public unless they are in the middle of a brown storm, but this bathroom was almost too busy for even me! It seemed like every minuet there was a different person slamming shut another stall door. Now this might not be commonplace every day, but I feel as though I need to write about this part of the expedition. With every slam of the door, the wall to my stall would shake ever so violently. Now I usually put my bag on the coat hanger, and as I said earlier, the door to my stall was a tad shaky at best, I was in fear of the door opening and me being at the other end of a mammoth stall and my largest fear would be to have someone mistake the stall for being vacant and rushing in, only to find me trying to hobble my poor ass to the door with my ding-a-ling hanging in the wind and my pants loosely around my ankles. These are the types of scenarios that keep The Secret Shitter up at night.
             
     
tile design photo credit; the secret shitter

  Now back to the task at hand. As I am nearing the end of my adventure I stop to soak in the sights and sounds around me. The décor is really nothing to write home about. Some regular commonplace tiles line this powder room, probably picked by some suit in a different part of the country looking to save a few bucks by getting generic looking tiles.

pic
              
       Now on to the big test, the TP test. The paper was not too hard, nor too soft. I cannot identify a brand of paper by touch, or by use. It did the job, with minimal effects on my sphincter. When I went to go to flush, it really just took down the poop and little paper. Taking notes on the situation I gathered my bag and headed for the sink to wash my hands and get on with my day.
               
       The sink that I used had a weird timed delay to it. I put my hand under and it took a few seconds for the sensor to register my hand was there. Needless to say the same thing happened with the soap dispenser, only this time nothing came out. I am thinking that either the soap dispenser was out of product, or the battery in the sensor was dead. So I had to awkwardly shift to using a different sink. The water washed all of the soap off of my hands in about two cycles. By far the worst we have reviewed here on The Secret Shitter.
              
       There is only one option for hand drying in this location, which are two air dryers. Not my preferred method of hand drying but it is better than using my pants. This particular air dryer took about two and a half cycles to get my hands bone dry, not something that a busy professional such as me has no time for.
So now that we know about the spot, let’s get to the ratings. Remember these are all out of a possible 5 stars.

Number of Stalls: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 3
Busyness: 4.5
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 3
Accessibility: 4
Overall: 3.5 out of 5
     The Cambridgeside Galleria garners a 3.5 rating from The Secret Shitter. While there are plenty of stalls for you and your buddies, you just can’t get over how busy this bathroom is. Not an ideal spot to get away from the stresses of everyday life. You take a look at the generic décor, and realize that the bathroom’s handwashing hardware was most likely picked with the same haste. TP was fine, but the constant slamming of doors was not. You almost feel like you need to rush your number two when you’re in this spot, which is something I do not like to do. You will also be disappointed with the handwashing and hand drying machinery. All of this is fine if you are in the mall and looking to take a power dook, but I would not want to hunker down here for longer than necessary. Thanks for reading and remember; Grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to Poop!
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