This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.
I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.
So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.
According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.
So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.
Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?
Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.
I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.
Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.
A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.
I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 0
Toilet Paper Quality: 0
Overall Rating: 0
Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.
The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.
@Secret_Shitter Hello. Thanks for the report. We have sent this to our maintenance team and will have this fixed asap.
— MBTA (@MBTA) March 11, 2016
I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.
Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.
Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.