Category Archives: 5 Star

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

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Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau

IMG_20160323_134230_33   Google Maps has thwarted me again! It took me all around the mulberry bush in Portland. Whenever I get to a new city I like to go and grab a physical map. After about an hour of wandering around trying to find the damn visitors center, I finally did find it. I welcome you to the Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This particular location of the Visitors Bureau was not the main one. It was a satellite location above some candy shop selling Salt Water Taffy on Commercial Street. It really was fucking hard to find. Then once you enter the building you came face to face with renovations, and the feeling like you shouldn’t be in there. But there is signs saying “Visitors Bureau 3rd Floor” inside, so technically I felt like I could wander around inside of the old brick building. I made my way to a third floor office, and lo-and-behold, here it is! I might have startled some of the office staff because they all seemed to not know where the walking maps were kept. I had three separate people try to find the things for me. They did however, find the maps and give me some helpful information about the city. From there, I went about my way.

On my way out I happened to be walking down the hallway that is shared between different companies inside of the building, and right to my left was a bathroom! I looked around, and no one was IMG_20160323_134230_48watching, so I just moseyed on inside and took a Trump.
The bathroom was gender-neutral, which was to be expected. It served multiple offices and businesses on the third floor. I walked in and I was met with this tiny, but charming bathroom. The walls were painted off-white, and the woodwork around the floor was painted black. The floor was a greenish-blue with rustic grout filler. It had one toilet, and had all the amenities of home. It had a little toilet paper caddy, a plunger, and a toilet scrubber.

This bathroom was quiet enough to take a seven minuet crap in without being disturbed. Even though the bathroom was shared between offices nobody knocked on the door. I was left to my devices in here without being seen or noticed. It was a true delight to crap in.

IMG_20160323_134230_62It was meticulously taken care of. It was very clean, and there really wasn’t anything out of place here. I was expecting the bathroom to be fairly clean, but this even surpassed my expectations. Had anyone ever used this bathroom before!? It felt great taking a shit in such a virgin atmosphere. In fact, I took longer than expected to finish my shit because I felt so at ease. I felt like I had all of the comforts of home while I was so far away from it.

I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper now upon cleaning my rectum. There was an industrial sized toilet paper roll to the right of the toilet, but there was no toilet paper in here. The toilet paper you are looking for is sitting on the top of the toilet tank. It really wasn’t very good. It was a cheap one ply toilet paper. Maybe this is the way that both offices joke with each other. I am sure that the bathroom is a shared responsibility. There is most likely a toilet paper war going on between offices, because I can’t imagine anyone willingly buying this stuff for the fun of it.

Everything was manual in this bathroom. For some reason there was also an older model air dryer in here. I opted to use the paper towels which were sitting inside of a basket. After cleaning myself up, I slipped out of the side door like a looking around to make sure I hadn’t been spotted, and I went along on my journey. IMG_20160323_134230_89
So now that you know about this secret poo spot, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Review. These are all based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 5
Accessibility 1
Busyness 1
Décor 4
Cleanliness 5
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 5

I am going to give The Greater Portland Convention and Visitor’s Bureau a Solid Five Stars! Normally when a place has one ply toilet paper it immediately takes them out of the running for a Five Star Rating. So you are probably wondering why this toilet made it to the IMG_20160323_134230_102top? Well to be honest this is probably the most secretive of shitters I have shat in to date. I totally wasn’t supposed to be in the building at all, the actual visitor’s center is located a little way down the street. After getting directions there I still couldn’t find it. I did, however, find what I was looking for in the form of a walking map to Portland that didn’t look like a child drew it. I had picked up a map at the Greyhound Station on Congress Street, and it looked like a child and drew it in crayon. The staff there was very friendly, and very helpful in the information they gave me. The bathroom felt like I was at home, and I was left to shit undisturbed. The décor in the bathroom didn’t look all that great, but it felt very “homey” if you IMG_20160323_134230_116know what I am trying to get at. Combine that with the fact that the inside ground-level floor looks like you shouldn’t be in there, and you have a great built-in deterrent. This is truly a great place to take a private shit in the busy downtown section of Portland.

Like what you see? Why not tell your friends about us! I am working diligently to pump out The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, and I still have a few more places to visit. So you get to benefit from all of that each and every week. Keep sending me to your favorite public toilets by tweeting to us @Secret_Shitter and on Facebook. We also have a Tumblr if that is your thing too. I will be headed to Burlington Vermont soon, so if you know of great bathrooms there, let us know by tweets, facebooks, tumbls, and email.

Residence Inn Marriott Hotel: Back Bay Fenway

           Sometimes you just have to go. This is the situation I found myself in when I went to our next destination, The Residence in Marriott Hotel. Now I am no stranger to the pooping danger, and hotel bathrooms have been pretty good to me. They are free, and if you don’t look homeless, chances are they will let you go right on in and use the bathroom without having to buy anything, or do anything special to gain entrance.

 

Outside
 
            When you enter the hotel you will see that the lobby is quite large. There is a little area to the left after you walk in where they serve coffee and tea. Right in front of you will be the front desk. There will be no way around it, you will have to ask to use the bathroom here. The restrooms are marked, but it is only once you start walking down towards that area the signs become visible.
 
Toilet            So what if you don’t want to tell the front desk agent you got a dook monster lurking in your loins? Well here is what you do. Remember when I told you about the coffee and tea to your left? Keep that information in your head. That room has an open design, but there is a small hallway that keeps going, that is where the bathroom is located. If you keep walking down this way, turn left and you will find the bathrooms.
 
            When you walk into the bathroom you will notice that there is only one stall. Just to my liking it is a handicap stall. I guess if you are going to have just one stall it needs to be a handicap one. Any way I was pumped. I got in and began my evaluation of the Fenway area pooper.
 
            You know what was great about it? There were two hooks to hang your coat on. One hook for your bag, and another for your jacket. These are the things that I like to see in a bathroom. Someone must like to poop like me. But either way you will also find that the stall is rather comfortable and large. It is the size of the wall and takes up a nice chunk of the bathroom.
 
            The other great thing about this bathroom was being able to poop in peace for a solid ten minutes without being interrupted in the least. Not only did nobody come and knock on the door, but nobody even came in to take a piss. I normally go and use the bathrooms at night after work, but on this day it was somewhere around eleven o’clock in the morning. So needless to say I was shocked when it came to the fact that the bathroom was barren.
Sinks
            Now the décor of the pooper was pretty different. The walls were a manage of brown, grey, and white. While the floor tiles were grey with a touch of lime green. Now that is the wild factor I look for. Very few places incorporate green into their color schemes, it is usually dark, woody, colors. Adding the lime green to the light grey made the bathroom seem light and airy.
 
            So while frolicking through the poop-fields, it was sadly time to end my stay here, which means I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now you can have the best décor, a heated toilet seat, hell you could even have a washroom attendant, but all of that goes out the window if you have subpar toilet paper. Actually the toilet paper that was in this bathroom was a quite cushy two ply. The only downside was that one of the two toilet paper holders was broken. I am sure somebody knows and have worked on it since I went in there, but you cannot be too sure. Nothing in my notes stood out to me expect the nice quality of the toilet paper, so with that deed done, the automatic flusher took my offering to the mole people living beneath Boston, and I was on my way.
 
     Dryer       It is also worth mentioning that the hand washing facilities were automatic as well. With a paper towel drying apparatus. So that is always good too. So now that we are in the know, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 5
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 5
Busyness: 1
Overall Rating: 5
            That’s right, we are going to give the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel Five Stars. Considering that this hotel is nestled in one of the busiest districts of Boston (Fenway Neighborhood) and it was mid-day, and not a single person even came in to take a leak, I consider this bathroom an oasis in the dessert of shit. What really set the bathroom over the edge was the subtle use of lime green in the tiles. Yeah I know what you are saying to yourself, that is all it takes to impress you? Well, yes, and no. I applaud the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel and their design team when it comes to the color scheme, but it is more about the seclusion and about the security of my anus to be honest. Not to mention the toilet paper didn’t rip my asshole to shreds. Even though one of the toilet paper holders were broken, I am sure that it has been rectified by the time of this writing. I can’t imagine that a hotel will let something like that go for too long without it being checked out. Yeah there is some generic Red Sox pictures hanging in the bathroom, but that is to be expected in the Fenway Neighborhood of Boston. So if you are down that way before a game, or are just in the neighborhood this is a must poop place.

 

            Think I got it right, want to add some of your own stories? Sound off in the comment section below.
            Also have you heard that we have a book out? You did? Did you get it? Why not? Keep The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 in your bag and never fear pooping in public again. Get to KNOW the bathrooms before you have to GO to the bathroom. The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 makes a great Birthday gift, or a gift for any time of the year. So head on over to Amazon.com and pick your copy up today!

 

            Until next time, Peace.   

Ames Hotel Boston

     So I took a little time off to recoup from pooping for the last two weeks. Which is part of the reason I only post two reviews a week, either way, when I was walking down Washington Street in Boston tonight, I got the worst urge simmering up from the depths below. I was so close, yet so far from home. I knew if I got on that train that it would only lead me to bad places as far as my bowels were concerned. So I urgently looked around, and I saw right in front of me, our next destination, The Ames Hotel Boston.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               The building was mysterious and swanky. Every time I walk past it, nothing I can see through the front windows resembles a hotel. There is just a bar off to the right, with some patio seating outdoors. When I stepped through the front door I noticed a small desk in the left hand room with two attendants standing there assisting a family. Apparently the son, probably around twelve was experiencing inner ear problems, they couldn’t figure out if a doctor was open, and them being Australian, they couldn’t understand the concept of the CVS Minuet Clinic. That was their only option, or go to the emergency room, which the father laughed at because he didn’t want to rack up debt while on vacation. So he told his son to “suck it up for the night”, and they went back away to their rooms.
               Now it was my turn at the front desk. I tried to be a little helpful and sympathetic towards the family because I had an ulterior motive to shit in their building. The desk agent told me that the bathroom was on the second floor, and up, up, and away I went.
               I really had no time to find the stairs; I jumped right onto the elevator and headed for floor two. I got off the elevator and after a quick scan of my surroundings; I headed right towards the bathroom. The men’s room was the first door on the left after you turn right down the hallway. You open the door, and turn slightly right, and the first thing you notice is how bright and modern-looking the bathroom really is. There were two stalls, and two very large full length mirrors on the opposite side of the stalls. The first stall was open, and normally I would inspect the premise for a handicap stall, this time I just couldn’t, I was going to shit, and I was going to shit in the next few moments.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               I was actually amazed when I walked into the stall. The toilet was futuristic looking, it was sort of boxy and had no flusher attached to it. There were these two buttons built into the wall above it, one big one, and one little one. I closed the door behind me, and I noticed something seemed off; the stall door was heavy and was a full sized door!
               This fully sized door is totally a game changer in my book. You actually feel as though you are pooping in a private bathroom, but you’re not. Either way I decided to tend to the task at hand and tend to my brown crop which I was harvesting at a rapid pace.
               I will say that the square toilet felt a tad awkward. I thought maybe it was something that your body just gets used to. However my butt never really conformed or accepted this radical new toilet design. I am not saying that it is bad, it just felt weird. It was kind of high too. So my feet were dangling off of the floor, and my ass was getting used to this square nesting-style toilet.
               The décor was really nothing that I would write home about. There were solid black tiles on the floor, and painted white walls. As modern as this shitter was, nothing really jumped out at me about the décor. There were those full length mirror’s on the opposite wall, and the sinks were pretty cool looking (which I will get to later in the post), but this was kind of lack luster. For a place that wouldn’t let me open the front door, the bathrooms looks’ sure were disappointing.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               To be honest, it was nighttime when I went so I couldn’t really gauge with accuracy how busy the bathroom really is. However, I will say that I honestly thought I was alone in the latrine. That was until I heard the flush in the adjacent stall. Man that full sized door really comes in handy here; it was like a sound barrier from all of the outside distractions. It was kind of Zen-like to be honest. One can just sit there and keep their single-mindedness towards the poop. You can become one with the poop. I however I was serving up what I could only describe as anal ice cream, thick and creamy was the tone of this shit. It felt as though the shit would never end. I was fearing that I would have to wipe endlessly due to the wet marker which my anus would transform into.
               This brings me to the next two phases of the evaluation, now I know this is going to be the first post with this new gauge in there, but the cell phone reception was about three to four bars.  Yeah so I tried to surf the information superhighway while I was on the throne and I honestly didn’t really have any problems with reception. I was able to browse Facebook and Twitter with the greatest of ease. Now to be honest I have Metro PCS as my carrier, which I believe uses T-mobiles towers, so your results may vary.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               So I was done serving the brown ice cream to the happy children by the lake, when I had to turn my attention to the final boss. The initial toilet paper evaluation seemed promising. It was two ply, and was ribbed for my pleasure. It seemed cushy, which is always a good thing. So here goes nothing. I started wiping and to my butthole’s delight, it was as cushy as the evaluation predicted. I should somehow patent this system, but that seems too strenuous of an activity for me at this current juncture in time. So with the wiping done it was time to turn my attention to the buttons that were built into the wall. I figured that the larger button was for poops, and the smaller one was used for tinkles. So I pushed down the large button, and like a demon grabbing someone straight down to hell, it took my load without mercy. So for shits and giggles I pushed the smaller button, and my assumption was correct, it was a lighter flush mostly used for tinkles.
               So now that the deed is done I turned my attention to the wash station. It was pretty different to be honest. There was a manual sink, but it was large, square, and flat. It was such a cool design! There were no signs of any kind of concave shaping. I guess there had to be some kind to make the water go down the drain, but man it was really fucking cool to play with it. There was a soap dispenser to your right, and then there were only paper towels to dry your hands. All in all the wash station was pretty cool.
               So now that I am done with my dastardly task, it is time once again to start The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember some of the categories are subjective, and are entirely up to my discretion, the categories ratings are also out of a possible five (5) stars. So let’s not make haste, and let’s get to the reviewin’…
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Stall Comfort: 4.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating:  5
 

Photo: The Secret Shitter
               There you have it; The Ames Hotel Boston scored 5 out of 5 stars here on The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. I initially gave these 4.5 stars due to the décor, but I had a change of heart as I kept writing about this. I mean this is a very Secret Shitter. Now I really don’t like to give out five stars all willy-nilly but this little guy grew on me. I know the standards should be a tad higher, but if you don’t like it write your own damn blog! The bathroom is completely tucked away from the public. If you were to just walk into the lobby you would never find it without asking someone who was there. That in and of itself is worth the high rating alone. Now yes the décor is sort of boring, but I will say that the square, flat sink totally made up for any mundane features that were presented in the latrine. Not only that but the stall comfort is completely off the charts here. Not only does the deep colored wood door look fantastic against the plain colors, but the coat hanger is sturdy as a brick shit-house. Not only that but the fucking door is full sized! I mean I literally could not hear the gentleman in the next stall shitting. Usually you hear some type of sound coming from next to you, but here, you hear nothing but flushing toilets. I didn’t even hear him walking out of the stall. It was like a room, within a room. That alone is worth the price of admission (which is free by the way). Now the convenience of where the hotel is located is also something to take into effect. It is diagonal to the State Street MBTA Station. You are hustling and bustling in Downtown, and you need to lay down some loud stinky ass-burgers, you will want to go to this fucking bathroom. You can grunt as loud as your little heart desires, and nobody will really hear you. There is something to be said about that. Not only that, but the bathroom is clean too. I didn’t notice anything out of place here to be honest. I know I didn’t touch on it in the initial review, but it was actually so clean, I didn’t even record it in my notes. It was like all of the comforts of home, but I was in Downtown Boston, taking a grumpy, and I wasn’t being bothered by anything. So there you have it kids, if you want to go to this truly secret poo-spot, than I would highly recommend going to the Ames Hotel Boston. Until next time folks, keep your toilet paper cushy and your seat warm.
 

Photo: The Secret Shitter
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The Omni Parker House

Photo: Secret Shitter
                I was walking home from the Microcentertrip after spending a good portion of my day in Cambridge. I was lucky that I was able to come away with a few deals on removable media storage for my new tablet, and for my keys. I like the idea of carrying a USB stick around on my key chain. I have all my information on there like what I am allergic too and what not. I also have a few Secret Shitter posts on there as well. However this day really hasn’t been good on my stomach, and I am starting to wonder if I have something medically wrong with me that makes me shit this often? But I guess my pain is your pleasure, to a degree. However this time is completely different, because this time my pleasure is your pleasure as we enter our next location, The Omni Parker House.
                Yes readers you heard me correctly, I took a dook in one of America’s haunted hotels. While I will get to the exorcism of my own demons later on, I am going to tell you what made me stumble across this, and why I was here.
                Now back in May when I started this blog I really didn’t think it would last past like four or five posts, I figured that I would run out of places to take a shit. Contrary to what you might think, I really do not go out of my way to find places to shit at. These places I sometimes stumble upon, and most of the time they are along my commute home from work. Some of the times too I am out and about running some kind of errands, and I need to go take a shit, that is how I end up in some of these places, but the Omni Parker House is directly on my route home. Ever since the MBTA shut down the Government Center Train Station, I have to walk from Park Street to State Street to get to the Blue Line home.
Photo: Secret Shitter

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I always see the bellhops flagging down cabs, and helping people with their luggage. I always said, Next time I have to shit, I am going to shit in there. Today would be the day I have waited for since starting the blog. I had to shit one other time and because it was nine at night, I didn’t want to go rooting around in an upscale hotel looking to shit in their bathroom so I can write about it on my blog. At that point I opted to go to The Walgreens on School Street, which ended up being a nightmarish poop.
                So where the bell hops are on School Streetin downtown, I sucked in my breath and I headed in for my covert operations. I knew that I totally looked out of place with my ripped up jeans and H & M polo shirt, but I figured why not? I am not doing anything illegal, and the picture I take I make absolutely certain that I am the only one in there at the time the pictures are taken. This way no one can call me a pervert, and I don’t have to explain to the cops about my poop blog making me sound like a raving lunatic. I know one of these days I am going to get caught doing this, but today would not be the day!
Photo: Secret Shitter
                I entered into the grand lobby and wow what a sight it was! There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and very deep colored wood engulfed you as you walk in. The trim in the lobby was gold of course, whether it was real gold or plated gold is beyond my knowledge. I walked around this lobby, and I found something to be quite odd. I could not for the life of me find a bathroom anywhere. I looked where each door was, and still I was completely stumped. I had to swallow my pride and ask an attendant standing by the elevators where it was I could take a poop.
                “Here it is”, I thought to myself, my first denial. But to my shocking surprise, the lady with a very wide smile told me the directions, and I was on my way. It was up on a third floor! I felt like fucking James Bond going undercover. This is the deepest that I have ever gone in my shitting expeditions. All of my training, all of my trials and errors, lead up to this moment. I knew that this was possibly my only shot at getting in to see this shitter, and I wasn’t going to waste it.
                Now like I said this bathroom is so hard to find even I couldn’t root it out. What you have to do is enter in through the School Street entrance. There will be a staircase that you walk up which will take you to the lobby. Pay this place no attention. There is another set of stairs directly to the right, on the landing of the first level, there is Parker’s Bar. It is not located there. You need to trek higher to unknown heights up on the third floor. Then when you get up to the floor that you need, you will see a hallways with a sign with small lettering. You want to go and take a left down here and maybe after about twenty or so steps, you will find the men’s room on your right hand side.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As I walked in I was immediately overwhelmed at my pooping choices. I have five stalls to choose from, except the handicap stall was out of order. Each stall also had a window shitter type design that you could look out from but couldn’t see into. A few places I have seen deploy these types of doors. The floor was a cream colored faux marble (or maybe it was real, it looked pretty impressive). The walls were a light yellow, almost a canary color and an extremely light colored grey. The material the walls were made from looked like a stucco of sorts. I mean it could have been for all that I know. Either way the décor looked elegant and relaxing.
                I opted for the middle-left of the stalls to start my pooping adventure. There was a very sturdy coat hanger affixed to the tops of each shutter shitter door. Although I really wish the handicap stall was not out of order. These stalls felt a little cramped to be honest. However it didn’t take away from the crapping experience in any way.
                The toilet paper was a very average two ply paper. I figured that they would stock the same toilet paper that The Custom House Marriott Hotel did, but to my chagrin, they did not. I am not saying that the toilet paper was bad in any stretch but it left a little more to be desired. I mean you had these marble floors, and faux stucco-like walls, why not stock the bathroom with the finest toilet paper? However I am not in charge of it, so I really don’t have any say. But I do have to listen every time my ass wails out in agony from cheap toilet paper. This toilet paper was very serviceable.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The automatic flusher took my mighty load down in one fell swoop. I was able to gather my belongings, and fix myself up before leaving the stall. On that note I do want to point out how few people actually came into the bathroom while I was using it. The lone urinal was positioned right in front of my stall so I had a good vantage point to see how many people were using this bathroom. I will say during the course of my ten plus minuet poop, only one other gentleman walked in. Actually two did but the other guy came in as I was leaving. So I am really not going to count him against the busyness score when I go to review this place.
                As I gazed up from washing my hands with the manual water and soap, I was able to take a good look around the joint. I picked up a paper towel to dry my hands, the only option by the way, and my concentration was broken. This paper towel was so lush and cushiony, it was able to dry my hands with just one towel. Usually I average about three paper towels if they are individual, or about two and a half clicks on the paper towel levers.
                Anyways back to the bathroom. I was able to take a good glance around upon my exit. I will say that not a damn thing was out of place in this fines establishment. I felt as though I was a noble in the 1800’s while I was pooping here. They definitely go around every hour and clean this bathroom and it shows.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now that you head of my tale in The Omni Parker House it is time once again to turn our attention to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember folks these rating are out of a possible five (5). Sometimes you want the number to be high, like with cleanliness, and others low, like busyness. The décor is totally subjected to my interpretation, so you might find it more aesthetically pleasing than I did. If you do, why don’t you sound off on the comment section below? Anyways, let us get back on track and get to the review.
Number of Stalls: 5

Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5

Stall Comfort: 4.5

Busyness: 1

Décor:5                                                                                                                               
Cleanliness: 5

Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating: 5
                Wow only our third five in all of the Secret Shitter posts! I mean in case you couldn’t tell I was really enthralled with this bathroom. Its décor was so elegant that it made me feel like shitting in this place was so far out of my league it wasn’t funny. The stall number alone was both staggering and kind of worrisome. Usually places with a high stall count, you expect it to be busy. But I found out something interesting upon my exit from the lavatory. There was a function room directly across the hallway from the bathroom. This totally explains why there is so many stalls in this particular bathroom. I believe the function room looked like it could hold a hefty number of people so why wouldn’t the bathroom reflect that? I am just lucky that there was nothing going on at the time of my poops-capade. Now another reason why this is an almost perfect score it because of the cleanliness and accessibility of this bathroom. This truly is a Secret Shitter! I don’t know how many of you knew about this, but I would be willing to bet a gentleman’s wager you didn’t. The stall felt a tad cramped, but honestly the color scheme made it feel so much more open that it really was. It was an optical illusion. I found that pretty fucking cool. The only real room for improvement here was the toilet paper quality. I mean it was above average serviceable two ply, but it didn’t impress me to be honest. I know it was better than what we normally get on this blog, but this is a total different class of shitters. At the end of the year it isn’t fair to compare a retail store with The Omni Parker House, or another shitter like The Custom House Marriott Hotel. So you have to kind of take these with a grain of salt so-to-speak. Well these you have it folks, if you want to feel like James Bond shitting (or Jane Bond) than I would highly, let me say that again louder, HIGHLY recommend that you take your next dump in The Omni Parker House. Until next time people, keep your eyes peeled because you never know when the Secret Shitter will strike at your location.
Photo: Secret Shitter
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Staples (Landmark Center)

     

Photo: Secret Shitter

         Staples is your go-to store for office supplies and knick-knacks of the professional sort. It is a large retail chain in the United States, and I am sure I do not need to really explain any back story of the company to you guys. After all you have to be pretty smart, and savvy to read The Secret Shitter. The location of this Staples is in the Landmark Center. I believe that the actual name of the street is Park Drive, but I could be wrong. Either way, I will figure it out by the end of this post.

                OK so enough of the jibber jabber. I was walking around the Staples by my work, looking for what I don’t know. When I was in the back right corner of the store by the office desks, I saw a sign that sent shockwaves right to my bowels. The sign said, “Public Restrooms”. Oh my lord, I didn’t even know this place had a bathroom for the general public, I thought that the only bathroom on premise was the one in the upper level of the Landmark Center (which we did a very good review on if I do say so myself). So like a voodoo priest, I squeezed my voodoo dolls’ lower abdomen, and away I went…
                Now this bathroom was really well hidden. That is just what the doctor ordered. I always love discovering Secret Shitters around the city. Even though I am not the first to poop in them, I get great pleasure when someone tells me, “I didn’t know there was a bathroom in there”. Now this meets The Secret Shitter’ssecret criteria.
                The bathroom itself was small. It boasted only one handicap stall and a urinal. It seemed more like something that employees use rather than the public. I am not quite sure how many people outside of me go out of their way to explore new places to poo.
                Now when I entered the stall I went to look for a coat hanger, only to realize that there wasn’t any to be found. This is probably due to the bathroom mostly being an employee one. The walls were bright white. The floor was a generic grey tile. And the stall divider was white as well. There really wasn’t anything to write about décor wise. It was actually a little bland and boring. However what it lacked in looks it totally made up for by the fact that I was left entirely alone for about fifteen minutes while I pooped. Sometimes piece of mind is the best thing. I was able to inspect this bathroom fully and thoroughly.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now that I was pretty much done soaking up everything around me I guess it was time for the dreaded toilet paper test. I looked down to my right and discovered that the dispenser was completely empty. But fear not readers, sitting on top of the dispenser like a gift from God himself, was a roll of Charmin Brand two ply cushioned toilet paper! Maybe someone in the Staples on Park Drive was reading this blog. Maybe they knew I already struck once at the Landmark Center, and I would strike again. Or maybe they were just too damn lazy to change out the toilet paper in the dispenser and just grabbed a roll off of the shelf. Either way that is a win in my book.
                After my delightful romp, I noticed that there was a manual flusher. Along side of the toilet were a plunger, and a brush. Maybe this was some kind of omen? I went to flush the toilet once, only to find a little bit of paper was taken down the drain. I thought to myself, “This is where we get discovered”. I flushed for a second time, this time I was holding down the lever for a while in hopes that is what I needed to do to get rid of the brown snake lurking in the lake. Again, nothing happened but a little bit of toilet paper went down. Now I just want to tell the readers that this was no monster dump. It wasn’t like it was peaking out of the water or anything. This was just your standard poop. I tried for a third time, which was the charm in this case because that is when the might brown finally went down the tubes.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now there was a manual sink, and a manual soap dispenser. There was also an option for towels to dry your hands. However, just like the toilet paper, it seems whomever is in charge of filling these up just didn’t feel like doing that and in its’ place was a roll of paper towels. I believe I remember seeing a Bounty wrapper sitting in the trash receptacle. So again, their laziness is your gain!
                Well folks there you have it. Now that you have heard the tale of my poop, it is time to see how The Staples on Park Drive competes in The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember ladies and gentlemen that this is out of a possible five (5) stars. Some of the items you want high, such as TP quality, while in other categories you want low like busyness. The number of stalls is solely made up of how many stalls there are present in the bathroom. I believe that the less stalls the better, but that is entirely up to interpretation. Like if the area is a high traffic area, having a low number of stalls is a bad thing, but in a case like we have seen with The Custom House Marriott Hotel, it can be a good thing too. I was wondering when people would start asking me questions about the review. Thankfully no one has and you guys just take my word for it, but I figured after all these posts I should give you a little bit of insight into my thought process. Now that I am done blabbing about my crazy methods let us begin shall we?
Photo: Secret Shitter


Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 1
Overall Rating: 5
                But-but Secret Shitter, how did the Staples on Park Drive score into the highest category? Well readers sit around and I will tell you a tale about a hidden bathroom oasis far away from people. Actually the biggest factor in my decision is how exclusive this bathroom is. I don’t believe anyone is actually walking around in that part of the store except employees. And the few people, who do pass by there and notice it, probably do not use it. After all it is a Staples, but how wrong you are. Now the décor actually scores very low on my list, but I am willing to overlook that in this case. Mainly because I feel like I am a part of some exclusive club who poops in that bathroom. I mean why else would there be Charmin or Bounty just readily available for the public to use? There wouldn’t be. No walls in the bathroom were tagged with anything stupid either (which sank the Big Lots in Revere, if you remember). This is just a spot for the male employees to use whenever they feel the need to poo. However my knowledge is totally your gain. That is what this blog is about after all. So now that you know the secret don’t go and start tagging the place up. When you do slip in, just walk with an air of cockiness that you know the secret poo spot. Now imagine the kind of power you hold knowing this information when you go to the Red Sox Games? The Landmark Center is just up the street on Brookline Ave. It also shares the property with the Fenway MBTA stop. If you use the Kenmore MBTA stop when you go to Sox games you are in for a sweaty ride from hell. I would much rather walk the extra five minutes and take a dump in this haven of a bathroom, than use any stall located anywhere within the vicinity of Fenway Park during game days. Well there you have it folks, you just found yourself a very secret poo-stop where you can be alone, without the fear of people barging in on you. Until next time, happy shitting!

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Custom House Marriott Hotel

A View of the Enterance
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter
                Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the top of the mountain, and all that dwells below. I have walked through hell, and I have ascended into a higher realm of reality. I did so entering the Custom House Marriott Hotel late last night. Now before I left for work, I did something I shouldn’t have, I went and pooped. I guess I dropped my load off too soon, and I feared that I would not be able to accomplish any kind of review on this night. However a Grande Iced Americano from the local Starbucks revved my sphincters’ engine loud and proud for round two of the evening.
   Now I always walk by the Custom House Marriott Hotel without ever realizing it. It is the iconic clock tower which adorns Boston’sskyline. Now as I was just having second thoughts about going number two, I decided to take the plunge and just go for it.
     I walked into the elegant circular lobby and my eyes were met with a dazzling array of sights. Circular leather chairs arranged so they were pointing in each direction of the different wings of the hotel. There were two desks aligned in a quarter circle surrounding one half of the lobby. In all of my wonder and amazement I realized I was alone, or so I thought. A voice came out from around me, and it said “can I help you”? Why yes you can kind sir. I told the front desk agent that I wished to use the facilities, and he handed me an electronic key card. He then told me the restrooms were straight ahead on my right, I couldn’t miss it. So I took the twenty-something’s advice and headed for my next destination.
                
A View of the Throne, Photo; The Secret Shitter
     After tapping the key card on the sensor I opened the door to my astounded eyes and saw my lone throne sitting at the end of a deep set bathroom. I was dazzled by brilliance and baffled by my own bullshit; I could not believe they were letting a lone pooper such as myself in to use this grand bathroom. I shut the door and turned around to find a very posh-yet-functional coat hanger on the door. I hung my bag up knowing it was my journalistic duty to get down to some business.
                
     The far end of the bathroom, where the toilet lies, was a tad dark. I thought to myself that was a tad peculiar. So as I looked down to my right I noticed a sensor-type light switch which had a button and an LED screen. I pushed the button and low and behold the throne lit up. What I found was cool about this was the LED screen had a countdown timer that started from twenty minutes. So I decided that now I was under the gun and it was time to release some brown arsenal of my own.
                
     The toilet was just at the perfect height above the ground. In this position I was able to gather the thoughts that were bouncing through my head. This is totally how the other half of society lives, and now that I have had a taste of it, I want more!
                
     The floor was made of marble, or really convincing faux marble and the walls were adorned with gold tiles with some slim black accent to it. The black accent gave the tiles an upscale feeling which permeated around the room like the gas from which I released from my bowels. The mirror had a very nice antique-like cut to it, bordered with a deep colored wood trim. The sink counter matched the tiled floor perfectly. As I sat there and soaked up the atmosphere I noticed the large framed flowered artwork which hung on the right hand wall.
   
Tis a long way away to my bag, Photo; The Secret Shitter

          

     After soaking in the elegant décor, I realized that the true test was about to begin. I looked down to notice two rolls of very posh toilet paper hung on their spindles besides me. One was hung in the “over” fashion, and the other in the “Under” fashion. As I gently test the toilet paper by placing the tissue in between my index finger and thumb and proceed to press, I know I am in for a heavenly wiping experience. It was plush and felt as though it was made of the top-of-the-line material. They clearly had some money and they wanted to flaunt it. My initial suspicions were confirmed as I wiped my sweaty stained anus. With a bounce in my step I pulled up my drawers and I headed for the hand washing area of the restroom.
                
     En route to the hand washing area, I noticed that the automatic flusher did not take down my less than usual load. While it took down the important stuff, it left behind some paper on the halfway point of the bowl. I placed my hand under the automatic faucet to wet my hands. I then waved my hands over the Sloan soap dispenser and was not surprised by the odd timing delay of the soap. While the whole process took about one-and-one-quarter cycles I turned my attention to the hand drying station. I was not surprised that there was only one option; paper towels. These towels were also of the same caliber that the toilet paper was.
                
     After returning the key card to the front desk, I gave my thanks and I headed towards a bench to write down my notes. I have truly and thoroughly enjoy the shit which I just took.
                
A Clean Floor is a Happy Floor
Photo: Secret Shitter
     So now that you have read all about my experience, I guess it is time that we rate this bathroom, Secret Shitter style! Now remember my loyal readers that this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 5
Busyness: 0
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 5
                You have just witnessed history here on The Secret Shitter folks; a near perfect 5 star rating, a first here on The Secret Shitter! Now the only reason why this is not a perfect score is due to the accessibility criteria. You must first go in through the gatekeeper at the front desk who shall decide your pooping fate. I imagine that depending on how you look, you may or may not be able to access this oasis of a shitter. But with all of that considered, this toilet is truly a home run in every facet. This property takes pride in their pooper and it shows! There was nothing out of place in this bathroom, and everything was in complete working order. I was also a fan of the countdown timer. The toilet paper was supple and soft as it caressed my butthole. So now that you know how awesome of a shitter there is right outside of the Quincy Market area, I would highly suggest that if the butt-gremlins come a-callin’ that you give them an upscale burial at The Custom House Marriott Hotel.
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