Category Archives: 4 stars

Hartford Connecticut: Quiznos Woman’s Room on Trumbull Street

We are about to embark on a journey. The likes of which we IMG_20160330_184752_373have never seen here at The Secret Shitter. We are about to go where no man has documented before. I am talking about shitting where we have never shat before, the ladies room inside of the Quiznos on Trumbull Street.

The air was brisk on this day in late spring in the much prettier-than-expected city of Hartford, Connecticut. I had just finished up eating an Italian chicken sub when I was overcome with the feeling of an imminent shit. I had gotten up from my seat and started my “poop dance” when I charged towards the men’s room. My plans seemed to have been dashed because there was someone already feeling the burn of a nasty Quiznos dookie.

The very nice cashier noticed that I was in distress and said, “Just go use the women’s room.” For your clarification purposes, I repeatedly asked twice if it was ok to do so and she continuously said, “yes.” Not only was my anus tingling from the sub-par lunchmeat concoction I ate, it was also tingling with the very thought of a new adventure into the woman’s room.

So the women’s room was positioned to the left of the men’s IMG_20160330_184752_388room. This bathroom was just like any other that I have baked my own butt-nuggets in. This was a lone shitter in a private bathroom. The door locked behind you ensuring that no one was going to disturb your dook. In Connecticut, they have these strange bars that come down like a roller coaster bar, like the ones that are to prevent you from flying all over the place. It actually makes more sense to have these in bathrooms than the bars screwed into the walls like we are used to. I would imagine that they provide more “ease of pooping” for our shitters with disabilities. Every time I took a shit with one of these I would pull down the bar and pretend I was strapping myself in for a rocket launch. This stall was particularly large. It had enough room to move around in, and more.

This was a pretty bland and corny color scheme. The floor IMG_20160330_184752_432looked like a rock ate at Quiznos and threw up all over the place. It was pinkish overall, but it had some black and browns speckled in there. There was a cabinet with extra toilet paper above the toilet. There were two half-full toilet paper rolls on the wall right next to a little trashcan (also wall-mounted) for tampons and pads I would imagine. The walls were white and canary yellow. The fixtures and cabinets were a mixture of white and metal. I give them an A for effort, but the overall scheme and layout just fall flat.

I will say that this bathroom was very well maintained. It IMG_20160330_184752_446looks like the people who work here take pride in their presentation and cleanliness. More businesses should follow the example of the hard-working men and women of the Quizzos on Trumbull Street. Nothing was out of place and you could eat in there if you wanted to. Although, personally I would recommend not doing that.

Well overall when I was shitting nobody knocked. It was a good thing too because I don’t know what the woman would have done if she heard my clearly male voice amid the sounds of my butt-band playing their latest hits. I did, however, find myself in this predicament because the men’s room was occupied. I would think that in the height of the lunchtime rush this would probably not be the place where one would want to shit, especially in the opposite gender’s bathroom.

This toilet paper was top-notch. I will say that in my notes it just says; “solid four-star toilet paper” and nothing more. I vaguely seem to remember it being soft and having the little ridges. I did try IMG_20160330_184752_418to open the cabinets above the toilet to try to peep at the brand of toilet paper they buy, but the cabinet was locked. As of right now it is a mystery, but I have my suspicions that it could be Angel Soft brand toilet paper.

Now you know about how the other half poops, let’s begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember that these rating are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 3
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4.5

 

For my first trip into a ladies’ room this scored pretty high on my review! The toilet paper was a higher quality, and it was very clean. I know some women who have read these reviews have told me that woman’s rooms are disgusting. I have no way of knowing that, I don’t use the women’s room. Prove me right (or wrong) in the comment section below. We are living in a strange time in American history. With discussions about transgender rights and which IMG_20160330_184752_403bathrooms you can, and cannot use, I literally did not notice anything different. The toilets were not shaped differently, and there wasn’t anything in there that I already haven’t seen. Yeah I will say that the little wastebasket up on the wall was different, but it isn’t something I haven’t seen before. It wasn’t like someone was writing on the walls with their bloody tampon or anything. It was a toilet, a sink, and a hand dryer. Personally I do not see the difference here. Granted this was a private bathroom. But in a shared bathroom I have never once been interested in peeping in on someone taking a shit. You have a better chance of someone accidentally walking in on you, mid-push. I must say that my dick doesn’t even wiggle a little bit at the thought of the sight.

There is a much bigger problem which looms overhead. I do not know how much clearer I can be when I say there are three different types of people who take shits in this world, and they are – Men, Women, and Children. That’s it. There is not fourth type of person, there are only – Men, Women, and Children. I wish that people who are so disconnected from the situation would just mind their own business. We have seen this problem before with segregated bathrooms. We realized as a country that the very notion of forcing people to go to a different bathroom based on ill-conceived perceptions were barbaric, and unethical.

The only shit-slinging that should be down is from anus-to-toilet. It should not be from right-to-left, or left-to-right.  The more they divide us, they more power they hold. Up until this point in time we haven’t had a problem until someone decided to make it one. I am calling on all of the readers to take the cashiers’ lead and if you see someone in trouble, just fucking help them out. I know when I have to take a shit or a piss that is not the point in time to start a discussion about bathroom rights. I just have to take a shit or a piss, is it really that difficult to get? Undivided we stand, constipated we fall.

Portland Maine: Hyatt Place

“This is a place where I want to shit,” I thought to myself IMG_20160323_174328_34walking to my location. I had no idea how long of a walk it was from the bus station to anywhere in downtown Portland. I don’t quite know what drew me to this building, but I kept this next location on the back burner making sure I pinched a loaf in here on my way out of town. This location was one of the first “signs” I reached civilization in Portland. So without any further bullshit, here is our next location from Portland, Maine: Hyatt Place.

As I said in the last paragraph this was one of the first signs I “made it” into town. It seemed out of the way, and it didn’t look too busy when I was walking by there around five o’clock at night. I walked into the hotel and talked with the balding front desk agent, inquiring where his restroom was. He said it was down the hall and to the left, which is where I headed. There was only a small sign when you went down the hallway indicating where the bathrooms were.

I walked in to see one single stall along the back wall. I IMG_20160323_174328_50thought to myself: “this seems perfect”, and I hustled my ass into the lone commode. Because this was the only stall, it doubled as a handicap bathroom as well. So this means the stall was spacious enough for you to stretch your legs out. There was a coat hook in two places for you to hang a jacket and a bag on. Overall it was a good start to my pooping experience.

The bathroom’s décor was all beige. Both floor tiles, and wall tiles were beige. The floor tiles looked more like beige bricks than the oversized tiles which adorned the walls. The floor tiles had a black boarder around them making the tile “pop” more than the walls. Overall it was a great usage of a single color. Even the stall dividers were colored a matte beige color. This color scheme lent itself to making the bathroom seem brighter and larger than it actually was.

This bathroom looked like no one had ever used it. That is how clean it was. No stock was short, and nothing was out of place here at Hyatt Place. This is exactly the type of condition I want to see when I shit. Perhaps this orderliness was a result of Portland’s off-peak season, or maybe I just happened to come in after the cleaning crew finished. Either way, it was very refreshing to see such a clean and tidy facility.

Another wonderful thing about this bathroom was how quietIMG_20160323_174328_67 it was. I was the only person in here for the duration of my power-duke. Not a single soul meandered into this facility. Leaving me to my devices while I left a little bit of me in Portland.

I was having a blast while taking a blast here at Hyatt Place. But I had to turn my attention to their toilet paper. I had such a pleasant experience in here I would hate for them to ruin it by giving me inadequate toilet paper. Guess what? They didn’t! This was primo toilet paper they stocked in here. It was a soft cushy two-ply with the little ridges. This toilet paper felt amazing on my asshole and the little “helper ridges” made my asshole clean as a whistle.

The automated clean-up process helped make everything a breeze. The toilets, sinks, and soap were all automatic. The “Xacto” air dryer left my hands dry as a bone in no time. The air dryer had enough pressure and heat to dry my hands accordingly. After all was said and done I tipped my cap to the balding front desk agent, and I moseyed on down to the Amtrak Station to catch my train home.

Now we need to turn our attention to how the Hyatt Place stacks up in our Secret Shitter Review. Everything is based on a five-star system.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4

 

The Hyatt Place scored a 4 on the Secret Shitter’s Review. IMG_20160323_174328_87Everything in this bathroom was amazing. However, it fell short in just a couple of areas leaving it out of the top-tier category. A four is still nothing to scoff at in my book. This lavatory is very clean, and the single stall setup leaves you with extra room for your pooping pleasure. If someone else needed to take a shit, however, that could lead to a few problems. Personally, when I am feeling comfortable I tend to go a little slower at what I am doing, and pooping is no different. The only saving grace here is that nobody walked in. Which was very nice. I could see that they had a small café in the front desk area, so maybe the bathroom sees a little more traffic in the morning hours. I wasn’t a fan of the beige color in the bathroom, but it did work to make it seem larger and cleaner. Usually you don’t put in lighter colors if the place is a dump because every mess will be highlighted. That is also the reason you rarely see me wearing white shirts, I will always drop mustard or something on them staining them.

Overall, this is a great place to take a shit. I would poop here in a New York Minute without hesitation. So, if you are like me and underestimate the walk into Portland, keep this knowledge in your back pocket knowing that you aren’t that far from town, and you have a great place to take a shit.

 

Like what you read? Then tell people about it then. Go and share it on your social media choice. We have all sorts of profiles from Tumblr’s to Facebooks. Just help me get the word out. I am only one guy who works a day job, so I can only do so much. Also I am compiling all of these posts into The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. So I am thinking that book will be done hopefully by Thanksgiving. Well as always, thank you for reading, and I will see you Wednesday when we explore, Boston MA: The Long Wharf Marriott (Upstairs).

Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal

            So today I decided that I would take a walk around the Aquarium area of Boston. When I got to the Aquarium I didn’t have to shit. I noticed a sign that said; “Boston Harbor walk” and I thought to myself, “I haven’t ever done that, why don’t I go and walk around there.” While walking around I could feel some earthly rumblings in my stomach, which was mother natures’ way of telling me we need to find a port to dock in. I am now a little way into the harbor walk when I came upon our next location, The Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal.

            Now the terminal itself is located somewhere in Rows Wharf. It is actually difficult to explain where it is, so please bear with me. There are little walkways between the Imax Theatre and the Aquarium. You walk along the docks weaving between buildings, restaurants, and hotels. You will then see a few ships kind of just chilling there in the water (it is winter after all, and I don’t think they run as frequently, but you would have to check for more accurate information). There is lettering on the side of the building saying “Ferry Terminal” with a whole bunch of advertising. I thought, “great, this is exactly where I am going to go and take a shit. This is indeed secret.”

            Now being the nice guy that I am, I always like to ask people if I can shit in their establishment (this keeps my cover). When I walked into the Ferry Terminal, I saw three counters, with exactly zero employees. It was only a hunch that there might be a bathroom in here, so now I am stumped as to what to do. But lo and behold, I look up and pointing down a little hallway is a sign for the restroom. Now I should point out that when I walked down this hallway, on the right hand side was a door leading outside again. On the outside of the door was a sign that said; “Restrooms”. So I didn’t even need to walk into the ferry terminal to ask, I could have just walked into this door and used them. Well this is why I write, so you don’t make the same mistakes as I do.

            So I walked down another small hallway and I immediately go and survey the restroom. It is of a medium size, with one urinal, and one handicap stall. The overall inspection yields the results that this place is very clean, probably because nobody knows it’s there.

            The handicap stall is outfitted with a double coat hook. The hooks themselves are fairly tiny, but they are sturdy. They had more than enough size to hold my coat and bag. Now came the time to sit on the toilet and actually shit. I will say, not a single soul walked into this bathroom. About midway through my poop I actually thought I was trespassing to be honest. But then I remembered that there was a sign displayed to the public. This stall was a dream to shit in! it was large and roomy, more than enough room to feel comfortable. The toilet itself was in the corner, while the door was on the left hand side towards the opposite wall. I really like this stall setup. No one can peer through the little slits in the door to peep you while you poop. All they have is a locked door to look at.

            Now with all of that said, the décor of the place was abysmal. It was so generic, that the word generic, would call it generic. Small beige and white tiles lined the walls, while the same equally small tiles lined the floor, except they were grey in color. If you are looking for a designer shitter, this definitely isn’t it. This shitter has a very utilitarian feel. Again this is a ferry terminal after all.

            Now with my shit today being swift and mighty, it ended almost as quickly as it began. This place had a one toilet paper roll holder. This could pose a problem if it were busier, but for right now it was fine. My only complaint was that the toilet paper was too high in the holder. It took about twenty seconds or so for me to fish it out, so I wasn’t able to get a good look at it as I was shitting. Now when I finally did pull the toilet paper down, I was shocked that it was two ply. It did feel a little thin for a two ply, but it had little ridges in it on one side of the toilet paper. I would imagine that would take care of the clumps in your bottom. The toilet paper felt below average to average at best. It didn’t hurt my ass, nor did it feel great. After using the manual flusher I made my way over to wash my hands. The water was automatic, but the soap dispenser was manual. There was only one option to dry your hands, which was paper towels. Like the toilet paper, it had been so filled and underused that it was kind of hard to fetch them out.

            So now that you know about this spot, let’s get into The Secret Shitter’s Review.
Accessibility: 3
Business: 0
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Décor: 2.5
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Overall Rating: 4

            Well this shitter is definitely above average. It is secluded which is both good and bad. It is almost too secluded for its’ own good. It is accessible to the public on a public walkway, but the sign is a tad hard to read. The only way to really tell that the bathrooms here exist is by reading a small four inch sign on the door. After reading this you could just look for the ferry terminal sign and just go to the right side door, but if you were out and about with a level five alarm going off in your colon then you might not be in the right mind to look for little details like this. The only upside is that the place is a virtual ghost-town in the winter! Not even the employees were there. But I did see ships that had “Logan Airport Shuttle” and “Boston Harbor Islands Ferry” written on the side of them, so that might be a different story in warmer weather. But for right now you are pretty much on your own when it comes to shitting in there. This is an average shitter at best if it were located anywhere else. What makes this bathroom so good is its’ location and seclusion. The décor is subpar, and the toilet paper is average. If there were a bunch of tourists waiting to go to the islands, then this bathroom could get bad really quickly. Quite frankly I don’t think this is the case even in warmer weather though. I know it is just speculation, but I think that most of the ships that go out to the harbor islands leave from the Aquarium. I could be wrong on that though. Either way if you are caught in the no-mans-land between South Station, and the Aquarium, this is a more than adequate place to leave your little brown nuggets behind.


Great so now that we got through the review, now it is time for shameless plug time! You know we have a book right? It is called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 and you can get it here on Amazon (it comes with free Prime Shipping). We are also working on the follow up to our first book which will be called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo. Any sales from the first two books will be directly used to send me to a new location! Which city would you like to see me shit in next? Tell me via our Facebook Page, Twitter Page, or email us at; Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com.

Until Next time, Peace.  

Star Market – Porter Square

                Oompa Loompa Dookity doo, I’ve got another shitter for you. This time I saddled up my horse and headed down over to Cambridge, or is it Somerville? How about we call it Camberville for now? My next adventure took me to good old Porter Square. Now I was in this part of town visiting an old friend, but before I went over to his house, I thought I would drop off this monster crap to the dooky day care.
                Within Porter Square your options are kind of limited to be honest. I had been saving this shit up since I took the first sip of my coffee in the morning. I was actually surprised at myself that I had waited so long to take this shit. So when you get out at Porter Square (from the MBTA Station) your options are kind of limited. I scanned my surrounding, meanwhile the monster is getting into position pointing himself straight down my shit cannon, then I saw it, the Star Market.
                Supermarkets in America have long been a friend of my ass. I have shat in quite a few in my day, and since this was basically the only option, I decided to go in and take a look around. When you head in the entrance closest to the Michael’s you turn to your right and keep going straight. You keep all of the registers to your right, and in the Non-GMO Gluten-Free Organic meat section there will be a sign pointing to the left. Follow that sign and the restroom will be dead ahead of you.
                When I first walked in I will say that the décor jumped out at me. The overall theme in here seemed to be Earth tones. The walls were an array of green, white, and light brown. With the tiles also bearing the color of brown. You will also notice that there is a urinal to your left, and one stall where you and do the doo.
                This stall was mighty in both size and girth. I will say for a supermarket shitter this one was quite large considering the amount of people it serves on a daily basis. When you enter the stall you will notice that there are two locks. Unfortunately, they are not for double protection. It seems like this stall was recently worked on and the hole for the circle lock didn’t exist anymore. That is ok though because right above it was a latch, which I think is much sturdier.
                There was only one coat hook on the door. With the weather in the thirties I am in full blown winter gear. The hook held my jacket admirably, but there was no place for my bag. That is until I turned around. Right in front of me was the strangest looking contraption I have seen in a shitter to date. Now I am familiar with the baby changing stations which sometimes are installed into the handicap stalls, but this was not a baby changing station. It was a baby seat in which you strap junior into to make him witness daddy making a boom-boom. Bravo Star Market, you have introduced me to a crazy new concept in the art of shitting, actually making a small human watch you dook!
                Now that I was situated I sat down to do my business. While sitting there I could hear people talking outside. There was some sort of deli, or fish counter right outside of the bathroom. However, I wish I paid more attention to my surroundings and I wish I could tell you definitively what type of counter it was, but alas next time I won’t be so aloof. So back to business, when I was sitting there a sound all of a sudden rang out. It was an alarm of some kind going off in the back of the counter. I could hear some people bickering back and forth, but the only thing my deaf ears could make out was, “Next time try to be more careful”. So with the alarm turned off I could go back to my regularly scheduled shit. With this many people in the store I thought this bathroom would be really busy. To my surprise only two people came in to take a leak, and according to my ears, only one of them washed their hands.
                After I was done doing the honey doo doo, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Upon first glance I did register it as the one ply variety. However, normally I won’t say this about one ply, but it was super soft! It was like my mind was literally and figuratively blown. I knew there had to be a catch. I don’t think science has caught up with the art of penny pinching quite yet. When I went to grab another bunch for round two of swiping, I found my red herring. The toilet paper didn’t actually come out in one continuous stream. So this very soft one ply toilet paper kept shredding in my hands as I went to pull it down. At first I thought I was tugging too hard, but after using a softer touch, it was still shredding. The top of the container was a translucent black, so I could peer inside, and there was only one roll in there with nothing theoretically stopping the flow of toilet paper. After a grueling two minutes fighting with the terrible toilet roll, I was finally done.
                The toilet and sinks were both manual. There was an Xcelerator air dryer in there. I don’t particularly care for those, they tend to leave my hand a little moister than I would like it to be. I did notice that there was hand sanitizer as well attached to the wall, but it was completely empty when I went to use it. Good thing I bring my own…
                Ok so now that you know the bathroom it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Accessibility: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Décor: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Busyness: 2
Overall Rating: 4
                The Star Market in Porter Square outperformed in every way. I really thought this was going to be a bad place to shit, but I was pleasantly surprised to report the exact opposite. It is sort of easy to find and they have that cool baby seat contraption in here. This is totally a place I would look forward to coming back to. It was bright, clean, and it wasn’t too busy. It has all the makings of a Five Star Review, except for the toilet paper. I was shocked by the quality of the one ply, and if you know me, I wouldn’t say something like that normally. The only drawback was when the toilet paper was being dispensed. I like to roll my toilet paper up, not use a shredded TP ball to wipe my ass. So with that being said, the Star Market in Porter Square scores a very commendable Four Stars.
You do know that we have a book out right? Did you know that the proceeds from the book will send me to another city? Well if you would like to see me rate bathrooms in your city, buy the book here.
Do you have any suggestions for me? Do you want to drop me a line and just say hi? Email me at; Secret.shitter617@gmail.comalso don’t forget to like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter.

 

Until next time, peace.

Hyatt Regency Boston

                From the depths of my bowels to your eyes this installment of The Secret Shitter brings us to the Hyatt Regency Boston. Now this particular spot can be a little confusing to find, there are two Hyatt Regencies in Boston. One Regency is the Waterfront, and the other one is well, this one.

 


            The Hyatt Regency is located on Avenue de Lafayette in the Downtown Crossing neighborhood of Boston. It is around the corner from the Paramount Theater and a short walk from the Downtown Crossing, Park Street, and South Station MBTA Stations. I took the nice walk up from the South Station MBTA Stop. I don’t know what made me think to go into this hotel, but I am sure glad that I did.
 
            Now the hotel itself is setup rather confusing, so please bear with me as I try to explain it. You go in through the front doors, down a few sets of ramps, which will lead you to an elevator. You want to take the elevator up to the third floor, which will bring you to the hotel lobby. Why on Earth is the lobby located on the third floor is beyond me. But then again if I was in the hotel design business, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about crapping in public…
 
            Now remember how I said it was confusing finding the lobby? Well buckle up son because you are about to go on a god damn adventure trying to find this bathroom. You want to walk down where there are two IMacs and take an immediate right down that small hallway. Now there will be a sign that says “bathrooms”, but it isn’t so clear cut. You want to walk down that hall towards a small conference room/office, or whatever the hell it is. There will be a small hallway jetting out to your right. That is where the bathrooms are located. OK got that? I promise it will be worth it.
 
            Now when you first walk in you will see a grey pattern all around you. It is like a faux marble, although it could be real, I have no way to test these things in the field, either way it looked fucking baller. Now there are four doors across from the urinals, pick whichever one you want. There is no difference here to be honest. The doors are very solid. They actually feel like a door, if that makes any sense? See sometimes the stall doors feel flimsy, making you question whether or not you actually want to stay rooted in there for very long. Although sometimes you really do not have a choice.
 
            So now that we know the stall door feels like a door, let’s move on to the sheer size of the stall itself. To be honest it is deceptively small. You think that you are going into this tiny little thing, and then you realize that you have enough room to move around in it. There is also a coat hook up on the wall, which will come in handy considering Mother Nature is about to body slam the shit out of Boston, and if you are like me, I really do not like shitting with my winter jacket on. There are far too many variables that could go wrong. I also just purchased a white jacket for this winter, and well white doesn’t exactly cover brown.
 
            Another thing I like about the doors are they are raised a little higher than normal. This has a twofold advantage, one being they can see you, and you can see them. No awkward run ins in this bathroom. Speaking of which, there really wasn’t any activity when I was in there. Maybe a guy or two coming in to piss, and there was one other guy which was in the clutches of El Crappo’s hand (in case you don’t know, El Crappo is the fabled crap-demon from our neighbors to the south).
 
            Weirdly enough, above the smoothing sounds of the hipster soft rock that was 
playing, I could hear multiple toilets flushing to my left. I figured there was probably a glitch in the system. Sometimes those automatic flushers go off mid-shit.
 
            Now that El Crappo was beginning to help my poo slide out of the rectum slide, I was able to take a closer look at the wallpaper and décor. Now the décor had grey and white marbled floors, and a light grey wallpaper. Elegant, and relaxing is how I would describe the design of this high rise shitter. I felt relaxed here, and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush. I felt as though I could take all of the time in the world here.
 
            I was nearing the end of my little experience here in the Hyatt Regency Boston, and I had to turn my undivided attention to the two rolls of toilet paper sitting to my left. Now I took a little sample test of the toilet paper which would grace my O-ring, and to my surprise it felt awfully thin! How could a place that looked this good, cleaned this good, and felt this good have sub-par toilet paper! I sighed to myself, and I went about balling the toilet paper up and took a good, meaty swipe and the goo. Wow. The Hyatt Regency pulled one on The Secret Shitter. This paper is totally a comfortable two ply. Thank heavens because I was getting myself all worked up about this. When one wrestles with the god of hemorrhoids, you should not take any chances.
 
            Now that I was done doing the voodoo that I do, I got up and almost walked out when I noticed something odd, the automatic flusher didn’t go off. I thought it was odd, and upon further inspection it was not an automatic flusher at all! So by my deductions El Crappo must have taken a little too much from the man a few stalls over from me. Because that fucking toilet flushed a good five times. What struck me as odd was the fact that my toilet took the whole thing down with one pull of the magical flush stick. I guess I got lucky?
 
            So now you know about what I did, it is now time to put The Hyatt Regency Boston to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System. Let us begin…
 
Number of Stalls: 4
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 2
 
Overall Total: 4.25
Ok So you are probably wondering what is stopping this from being the perfect shitter? Well there isn’t really anything wrong with this bathroom at all. I just need more of a WOW Factor to make this reach up to that next level. I mean it is out of the way, it has a lot of stalls to choose from, and it is clean as a baby’s bottom. Like I said, when I give out five stars I expect to be wowed in some way, shape, or form. With all that being said this is totally a great place to take a poop in the Downtown Crossing area of Boston. I mean it has exactly everything you want in a bathroom. And it is so far out of the way most people will not even be bothered to look for it, which is a good thing for you. It is almost TOO out of the way for its’ own good. I mean you do have to trek through two doormen, an elevator full of people, and a front desk just to get to this shitter. Is it cool? Of course it is! Practical? Maybe not so much. Unless you are walking right by the hotel, you probably won’t even know it is there to be honest.
So with all of that said, did you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section below. Also please feel free to share this post with your friends and family!
Did you hear about our book? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is available on Amazon.com in both Paperback, and Kindle form! Click here to get it All of the cool kids are getting the book. Also maybe you can drop hints to your significant other and have him/her get you the book for Valentine’s Day! It is never too early to start dropping hints…

 

Until Next time… Peace.  

Boston Park Plaza Hotel

Photo: Secret Shitter
                The great thing about this blog is that it rewards one of my great loves of meandering around the city of Boston. Since I was younger one of my favorite things to do has been to just walk around and soak up the sights and the sounds of the city. There are very few places I don’t walk around. When I used to drink one of my favorite recreational activities used to be getting off at random train stops and finding local bars. Since that ended a little over six months ago (the not drinking thing) this blog has become a better than adequate substitute for that. I get the same thrill I used to get except none of the asshole side effects. Plus I would never even think to go drinking in our next spot, The Boston Park Plaza Hotel.
                That high class hotel located right outside of Arlington MBTA station is our next destination in the lifestyles of the shit and famous. I was walking by the hotel debating with my inner self whether we could muster up another shit or not. Well after a few minutes of bickering we decided that maybe we could eek out another poo. So with that I headed in through the automatic revolving doors, and I was on my way.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now when you first enter the hotel the lobby is as grand as is it old. I was kind of lost with all of the sights that surrounded me. My poo-senses were tingling though, and I knew the poo-storm was about to come roaring on down. I looked around, and I didn’t find any obvious signs to where the bathroom is. There was a bar directly ahead to the far end of the wall, and the front desk was along the right side wall. There seemed to be some business centers to the left, and a set of stairs that led you to a conference which was going on. As much as I wanted to just go and crash the conference, I knew that my poo-cover would be exposed. However walking towards the left side stairs, I noticed a sign that pointed the way to the restroom, right down the little hall to the left just past the concierge station.
                I walked into the grand poo-palace and was completely taken aback by the décor of the establishment. Marble floors, and a grey and white tiled pattern adorned this bathroom. At first I was looking around and only saw three urinals, and thought something was amiss. I couldn’t find the shitters! I peeked around to what I thought was a closet, and the only reason I did so was because it had a shutter style top portion of a door, only to realize that is the shitter! And I didn’t even see the other one on the opposite side until I was ready to exit the bathroom.
                Well now that is a secret shit spot, when you can’t even find the bathroom IN the bathroom. Bravo good sir or ma’am, bravo. Now the shitter I took was a weird shape, it was a corner lot, kind of in the shape of a rounded triangle, which doesn’t sound all that spacious, but let me tell you, it totally was! I shut the door behind me and what did I see, not one, but TWO coat hangers affixed to the wall and door respectively. I actually had a choice where to hang my bag, man this is living.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As I said this was a spacious stall. There were tiled baseboards, and marble floors, along with a marble tiled back wall which the shitter rests against. Everything was in a grey, off-white, color scheme. It made the walls and bathroom feel a tad smaller than it actually might have been, but gave off the allure of being someplace with sophistication and elegance. As I sat down on the shitter trying to eke out a little poo for you guys, I could not stop hearing the weird techno music that was playing in the bathroom speakers. I personally am not a fan of the genera, but it definitely lent itself to the overall atmosphere of the bathroom.
                Now as I sat there trying to shit I was now in full absorption mode. I couldn’t help but notice how fucking busy the bathroom was. The door to the main bathroom entrance opened and closed at least six times while I was taking a shit. Thankfully nobody knocked on the stall door which I was occupying. I don’t know if they were just going in there to freshen up, or just take a quick leak, but either way the place was busy as hell.
                Now what would you expect from the toilet paper quality of a place this swanky? You would probably think it had the highest of the high. However you would be wrong. Actually the toilet paper was an average un-padded two ply. Not only that but one of the rolls were completely empty leaving only one roll full out of two. Needless to say I was disappointed, even though the bathroom appeared to be so clean you could eat in there, this left me with a little sour of a taste in my mouth.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                As you can imagine a joint like this has all automatic everything. From flusher to sink, to soap and paper towel dispenser. But the weird thing was the way which you got the soap. It actually kind of confused me to be honest. You had to hold one hand under the nozzle and mimic the motion like it was a manual dispenser, only you don’t touch it at all. It felt really foreign and alien to me. To top off the experience they had those very plush paper towels on the right side of each sink allowing you to dry your hands with just one towel.
                Even though I didn’t want my experience to end, unfortunately everything we do in life will come to an end one way or another. So now it is time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that some categories you want low, like busyness, while others you want high, like cleanliness. Now that you sort of know the deal let’s dive right in.
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 4
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 4.5
 

Photo: Secret Shitter
                The Boston Park Plaza Hotel earns itself a 4.5 rating out of 5 on our scale. I mean it has all of the makings of a really awesome high-class shit spot, but it just failed to reach that next level. You have to know that I judge the hotel shitters a tad differently than I do others. They should be held to a higher standard in my opinion. They have all of the makeup of five star shitters, so they should be held to that standard. The toilet paper here was atrocious, it made my butthole shutter with its averageness. I mean it was well hidden, and the shitters themselves looked like closets, which was pretty cool. But the reason why this place scored a .5 below the perfect mark was because the toilet paper wasn’t fully stocked, and the one that was felt terrible on the behind. Not only that but this place was busy as fuck. Six different people entered and exited the bathroom, this is something more akin to a mall bathroom than a hotel lobby bathroom. Now there was a conference going on there, and maybe that had something to do with the spike in usage. However I am rarely in the Arlington Street area, and will most likely not reschedule a follow up visit for quite some time. Now let’s not kid ourselves, a 4.5 out of 5 isn’t anything to feel bad about. I mean it isn’t like this is the Walgreen’s on School Street. If you are out and about hoping around the bars and restaurants in this area than this is a perfectly acceptable place to go poop. Hell while you are at it go and have a drink over at that cool looking bar too. There was a waterfall and some comfy couches and chairs for you to lounge around on. Yeah if I were you that’s what I would do, go hang out in the lobby, than when the urge strikes, go and take a shit and experience it for yourself. And while you are there just do me a favor and have a drink or three for me. Until next time folks, happy shitting.
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Courtyard Marriott (Memorial Drive)

Photo: Secret Shitter
               So I recently bought anAsus Transformer tablet, which is pretty nice by the way, and I needed some accessories for it. Now when I bought the tablet, it came with a clip on keyboard thing which was pretty fucking cool. It has a USB slot so I can plug in external disk drives, and printers and all sorts of other shit. It is a window’s based tablet, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want an oversized Android or IPhone. So why in the blue blazes am I telling you about this? Well because I needed to go down to Microcenterand get some stuff, I was around the area I needed to be for our next location, The Courtyard Marriott at Memorial Drive.

                    Yup this bathroom has been on my radar ever since I started this blog. I knew on my last trip that the bathrooms on the first floor were closed while they were doing construction. Now fast forward at least ten months, and I am fairly certain that the construction would be complete. It seems as of late I have a knack for figuring out these things, and getting an inkling for stuff like this. I call it my “poopy Sense”. Much like Spiderman’s Spidey Sense, except mine is about bathrooms and taking dumps in them.

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Ok so there is a big square in the center of the lobby with the front desk to your right. Pay no attention to that. The key to shitting in hotel lobby bathrooms is; not looking like a vagrant, and being confident. You heard me correct, you need to be confident. See if you go in all timid, the staff is going to smell that a mile away. Even if you are playing off like you don’t know where you’re going, you still need to FEEL like you are staying in the hotel. Usually they don’t give a rat’s ass if you use their toilet or not, just so long as you don’t present yourself as a junkie or anything.
                Ok so I got a little off track there, but lets’ focus here. You have to shit, and you need to find the bathroom. So when you go through the automatic doors keep heading straight along the right side of the middle square. Turn to your left and directly in front of you should be the bathrooms. Don’t do what I did which was walk around the square a few times, passing by the front desk, this almost blew my cover.
                So now that you got in you are probably wondering how many stalls there are? Well there is exactly one truth be told. It is of the handicap variety too. I am totally loving this. There was a coat hanger on the door as well for me to hang up my things. Now that I was all situated it was time for me to hot the countdown timer and start our little evaluation.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now the toilet seat was kind of too high for me to be honest. I really do not like the feeling of my legs dangling as I heave a grumpy. I feel too much like a little kid pooping on the big boy’s toilet. However from my high vantage point I was able to soak in all of the comforts of this rest room. There was soft rock playing in the bathroom which masked the sounds of my farts, I thought that this was a very nice touch. Even though not too many people ending up coming through the bathroom while I was creating some sweet music of my own. I think I recall a total number of two people passing through the commode while I shat.
                Now the stall was spacious and roomy. Like I said earlier, it had a high seat. But I was able to sit down and soak in the sights and colors of the world around me. The floors were like a white-ish marble. The walls were predominantly peach, but they had a very cool design on them in deep gold. It kind of looked like small rectangles connected by a vertical line. I thought that this added to the allure of the stall. I thought that whomever did the redesign, did a thorough job as well. He or she totally thought this one through and it shows.
                With that said, do not be deceived by the fancy look of the bathroom alone. Because the toilet paper situation just made me want to hang my head in shame. So far this bathroom had everything going for it. But just and I went to rip my first round off of the roll, I noticed how cheap this two ply felt between my fingers. My asshole confirmed my suspicions when I went to wipe the poo goo from it. Man that toilet paper actually tore my asshole up!
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The disappointed wiping experience led me to see if the toilet would take down my turd burger in one gulp. I figured that maybe they were cutting corners in other hidden areas of the bathroom. Thankfully the water washed away all of the brown nuggets I left as presents for the sewer people below.
                Next I began my hand washing ritual. I used the manual sink and soap to wash my hands thoroughly. The only option here for drying was paper towels. The paper towels were a little better than average, which I thought was nice. But this is usually the second time, with acclimated eyes, I get to gander around the rest room and inspect the cleanliness. I am happy to report to you guys that nothing seemed out of place here in this rest room. Everything was very neat, clean, and lead to an overall pleasant atmosphere.
                With poo-poo time all said and done with, it is not time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. This is where I put the screws on each bathroom with a critic’s eye, now remember all of these ratings are out of a possible five (5). Some of the numbers you want high, like Cleanliness, while others you want low, like Busyness. Now that you sort of know what is going on, let us begin our review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 3
Overall Rating: 4.5
                Even though this bathroom has terrible toilet paper I still gave it an almost perfect score. It is hidden and out of the way, making this a perfect poop spot for anyone to enjoy. The one stall really wasn’t a factor in the least bit because of how few people used the restroom while I was there. The stall itself was spacious and comfortable, so that was pretty awesome. The décor of the place was very nice compared to what it used to be. If I remember correctly it was more like wooden-business like, than anything. This is a very welcome design change. I love the peach and the white. I think those colors go fantastic together, and it made for a very mellow experience. I also thoroughly enjoyed the soft rock playing overhead. If anyone is timid of public pooping, than rest assured because this bathroom will mask your terrible fart sounds. I would like to also point out how clean the facility was too. It isn’t every bathroom lives up to those kinds of standards. Now I would like to say that if you are ever at Microcenter getting some computer stuff, take a short walk over to the Courtyard Marriott Hotel on Memorial Drive and take a beefy dump, you will thank me later.
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Target (Revere)

                I was walking and finishing up my errands that I had to do when I turned over to my right to see the giant sign beckon my name. Even though it said, Bathrooms, I still felt as though God came down and touched my tummy and made me have to shit. Thankfully our next location fit the bill; the Target in Revere.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I had been over by the Big Lots by mistake looking for something. I was in Target looking to get some cheap vitamins in case you were wondering. I am having oral surgery in a couple of days (at the time of this writing) and my oral surgeon told me that taking vitamins before surgery will help rapidly speed up the healing process. But enough of my problems, let’s get onto the shit.
                The bathrooms in Target are very accessible to the public. When you first walk into the store there is a small hallway on your right by the customer service center. That is where the sign leads you to where the bathrooms are. Now there are three bathrooms here, one for the men, one for the ladies, and one for the families. I have never been inside of a family restroom before, but I couldn’t bring myself to being able to occupy it. I kept thinking that a family with a screaming kid would be outside of the door, and cut my poop short. So I respected all of the potential screaming kids, and their parents and headed inside of the men’s room.
                There are three stalls as you walk in. Two are the normal kind, and the other is a handicap one. Unfortunately for us, the handicap one was being use by someone. So I opted to use a regular shitter this time. The stalls are noticeably smaller than the handicap ones, and personally I do not like it in any way, shape, or form. I am thankful that the stall had a coat hanger on it to hold my bag. If it didn’t than lying the bag at my feet would have made this experience all too cramped for me, and I wouldn’t have gone through with my shit.
                So let’s back up a bit and talk about the décor of the commode. It was very bright white. The floors were white tiled, and so were the walls. Along the top of the walls were red square tiles that ran across the border of the bathroom horizontally adding a little bit of contrast. Another item adding to the contrast was the shiny silver stall dividers. Now normally I just think it is cheap to have these dividers the way they are. They have to come from the factory that way. But in a way it added to the overall experience, and it was actually kind of nice.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now I will say that for some reason on this day I was having terrible shits. Like the kind that accompany loud and boisterous farts. Well even though nobody else walked into the bathroom during my approximate seven minuet shit, there was still the gent using the handicap stall for a good four and a half minutes as I was pooping. So even though we were trading farts like two warring ships at sea, the place remained desolate.
                After the other rather gassy gentlemen left the room after going blow for blow with me, I was able to take a look around and sort of get my bearings. I usually go out on these excursions after work, which is at nighttime. So usually I am alone, but I can picture if a place is going to be busy or not. Actually as of late I have been making my rounds in the mid afternoon. Anyways, none of that is important, but what is important is what comes after the shit.
                You guessed it, it is time for me to play fire with the devil himself and clean up my butthole. Now the toilet paper dispenser was actually empty when I visited this particular bathroom. But sitting on top of the dispenser was a roll of Scott brand toilet paper. The only reason why I knew it was Scott Brand was because there was a wrapper on the adjacent stalls floor. This toilet paper was soft and supple as it careened around the bumpy surfaces of my sphincter. It felt quite nice considering this was a Target and all. I was not expecting this level of toilet paper from this retailer.
                Now after the auto flusher disposed of my buried treasure I was able to step out of the stall a new man. After washing my hands in the manual sink, with a manual soap dispenser I was able to take a look around and inspect how clean this bathroom truly was. Surprisingly as I dried my hand at the only option, air dryer, I really didn’t seem to find any blemishes with this bathroom. It was bright, and it was clean. The walls were clean from and bathroom poetry, and outside of the Scott label sitting on the middle floor, there was no other dirt or grime that I could really see. So if you are a part of the team that works at Target in Revere, than I would like to commend you on your bathroom’s cleanliness.
Photo: Secret Shitter
                OK so now that we know all about my experience blow-for-blow, in this bathroom, why don’t we make some time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now for all of you new readers out there, this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars. Ok do you have it? Cool, let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 4.5
Stall Comfort: 3
Busyness: 2
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 4
Overall Rating: 4
Photo: Secret Shitter
I am giving this bathroom at Target in Revere the distinct honor of the second highest tear in our rating system. Now I should probably dock them some points and kick them down to the three level because of the vacant toilet paper dispenser, but this time I won’t. the reason is because they replaced it with a high level, top quality name brand toilet paper in its’ place. Scott is what I usually buy, so the fact that this target put in all the comforts of home, while I was away from my home, totally earned them the extra point. I know it is like I can be bought, but hopefully in my poop crusade, people start noticing this, and start putting in top notch toilet paper in their establishments. Anyways we are getting off topic here. So yeah the toilet paper was good, but that isn’t the sole factor for such a high score. The accessibility is another factor in this. I mean how can you beat the location. It is literally right as you walk in. Now I could see this being a little bit of a headache if you are out in some of the back isles shopping, but ultimately I really don’t think it would be that big of an issue to be honest. Plus you have to remember how far some people are coming from. Maybe they got stuck in traffic, and they really have to pee or shit? Well it is literally right there as you walk in. You don’t have to trek through the store behind little old ladies window shopping, just come right on in and go to town. To me, that is another factor in giving this such a high score. Another positive attribute about this bathroom is that it is very fucking clean. Like nothing on the ground. There is no piss all over the floors like you get in some places. Just good old fashioned American Pride. I mean really the only knock that I can even find in this place is the décor of the restroom. If they completely redesigned it, and put a little more effort into the thought process, than this would be a slam dunk hidden treasure along the North Shore. It would also be the first five star facility this side of the tunnel. But unfortunately it isn’t. Now that doesn’t mean that the bathroom décor doesn’t work. But compared to other places there is no wild-factor that makes me want to give it five stars. Plus even though I went on and on about how the bathroom was relatively quiet, I can imagine this bathroom getting quite hectic at times. Not just with grown men, but with little kids, and babies and shit. So that is also why I am a tad gun-shy about pulling the trigger on this place and sending it to the top of the pantheon. However either way you will be in for quite an enjoyable shit. So with that said, The Target in Revere is more than adequate to service your pooping needs. Until next time people, happy shitting.

Also tomorrow September 8th is my 30th birthday! Just thought you would like to know. 

Ah yes that lovely time in the post where I say follow me!

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter

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Big Lots (Revere)

     After going into the Staples in Revere looking for something that I totally forgot about, I felt a gurgling in my belly. Unfortunately for me, I had no place to call home base. Not until I walked by our next location, The Big Lots in Revere.
A look into the Restroom
Photo: The Secret Shitter
                Now I think this Big Lots took over the space where the old Stop and Shop was by Wonderland Greyhound Park. If you are unfamiliar, or not from the area, The Wonderland Greyhound Park was a dog racing track located across the street from the Wonderland MBTA station, hence how the T station got its’ name. Now across the street from there is a big outdoor mall. There used to be a Blockbuster, Dots, and a Stop and Shoplike I said earlier. Now I have never stepped into a Big Lots before, and I wasn’t sure quite what it was, but I do know that in the old Stop and Shop, there used to be a bathroom. So since my poopy senses were tingling, both figuratively and literally I went in on a whim and a prayer.
                I was in full blow hunter’s mode now going from isle to isle trying to sniff out the bathroom. I found it in the last leg of my lap around the perimeter of the premise. There was a big orange sign that said “bathrooms” so to the furthest door on the right, I walked right in and I began the onslaught. How I initially missed the sign is beyond my grasp of knowledge, but hey, we all make mistakes.

Photo: The Secret Shitter
                So upon first entering I noticed that I was the only one in there. That was really nice actually. There were two stalls and a urinal, one being a handicap stall and the other one being a common-man’s shitter. Now most of my readers will know this, but when given the chance I like to take the bigger of the two. I feel like I have a little more leg room and I don’t feel as cramped, which will hinder any persons’ poop.
                So now that I got in and I got my bag situated on the coat hanger I began my rigorous testing of the facility. When I first seated myself I knew that this would be better-than-regular poop. The toilet that they have is one of those ergonomic toilet seats. It kind of has a concave shape leaning inwards around the circular part of the bowl. As I sat here I began contemplating going over to a Home Depot one of these days and purchasing one for my families personal shitter.
                As I sat there huffing and puffing away I was able to look around like a wayward tourist
Jr Boston!
Photo: The Secret Shitter

who is lost at a local bazaar. The first and second part of my test is really combined into one. I first look, then I listen to the noises and sights that surround me. To my pleasant surprise I was the lone wolf in the room. No other person at any time came into this bathroom, which made for a very nice experience.

                As I was alone in my blissful shit, I decided to take a look and see what kind of décor that Big Lots had decided to put in their bathroom. There were your normal white colored walls which gave the environment a bright, clean feeling. The only blemish on the wall was at the far end of the handicap stall where someone tagged in black Sharpie; “Jr Boston!”. I have no idea what that means but I have seen that same tag come up at a few places along the MBTA Blue Line. I don’t know if it is just the work of one man, or it is a part of a criminal network of people working together. To be quite frank, I don’t really care either, that is not the point of this blog, I am only here to report the facts, not speculate about gang related activities in the North Shore area. Now where was I? Oh yes, the décor, outside of that one blemish, everything looked on the up and up. The floors were dark grey and had some paint-like accents in the tiles. It made the floors looked speckled with a human touch. I will say it was very nice.
                Next was my TP test. I was saddened to learn that this was a very low grade one-ply toilet paper. This was probably the same crap that they were selling for five dollars out in front of the store for a pack of twelve. Either way I haven’t come to the sad conclusion yet to start bringing my own toilet paper (BYOTP), I don’t think my pooping career has gone to that level yet. I am just a man reporting the facts, I am not some fat-cat power-pooper who is too good for the toilet paper that is provided. With as many crappy brands of toilet paper that have touched my asshole, I still go back for more punishment. Either way, to summarize the TP situation; I will say it is the first blemish in an otherwise great experience so far.
                Unfortunately I had forgot to update the portion of my notes which told me about the flushing situation. I seem to distinctly remember using my foot, so I am going to say they had a manual flusher. They also had a manual soap dispenser and water. And your only option for drying your hands was through the air dryer.
Cleaning list
Photo: The Secret Shitter

              Now that the deed was done I made one last turn to take a look at the big picture. What really stood out to me was how clean the place was. There were a few scattered pieces of unused toilet paper on the floor, but other than that everything looked like it was cleaned on the reg. And I will attribute the few pieces of toilet paper scattered on the ground to some savage who was just ripping violently at the roll. As I turned around to exit the bathroom I found something I wish I saw in more places, an up to date signed cleaning list. It was filled out for both the AM shift, and PM shift. Out of all of the bathrooms I have shat in, I have seen very little of these. I commend the manager of  Big Lots in Wonderland for holding his or her staff accountable for the cleanliness of the restroom. You never know when The Secret Shitter will strike…

                Ok so now that everything is all said and done it is time once again to go to our Secret Shitter Five Star Review. This is always my favorite part of the posts. I feel like that hard-nosed teacher you had in high school, but enough talking, let us get to the review. Now remember these are out of a possible five (5) stars.


Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 3
Overall Rating: 4
                I know I am just as shocked as you guys that the Big Lots in Revere got this high of a score. I really had low expectations when I walked in, but I will say that I like being wrong in those types of situations. The things that led to a slightly less than perfect score was really the décor and the toilet paper quality. I am going to chalk up me missing the big bright orange sign to me really needing a port in the brown storm.   There isn’t much that they can do about the décor either, but there was a very large tag on the wall in one of the stalls. This bathroom was exceptionally clean to boot. That and the cleaning list was the deciding factor for me. Even though I do not like giving such a high score to a place with such low quality TP, I really just can’t bring myself to doing that to Big Lots in Revere. The TP situation is something that can easily be remedied, so there is always time for places to evolve their toilet paper. Hopefully places like this start reading blogs like this one and realize that in this day and age in America we demand high quality toilet paper! We work our asses’ to the bone and sometime our one escape of the day is when we go to shit. I know that is the only time I can relax when I am at work. Now that my little rant is over, I will say that the Big Lots in Revere is totally an oasis in the toilet desert that is the Wonderland Section of Revere. Come to think of it, I believe that is the only truly public toilet that is in that area. Then again, I haven’t researched the area all too well, so I am probably mistaken. I think I will have to revisit that area in the near future if I found a place that nice. Well there you have it folks, a very good to high quality shitter that is T accessible. Thanks as always for reading, and happy shitting!
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Assembly Row Parking Garage

The Diamond in the Rough
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
Did you know that going down to Somerville’s Assembly Row is one of my favorite new spots? I love the fact that there is a Christmas Tree Shop, Kmart, and a Home Depot all along the MBTA’s brand new Assembly Station. There are plenty of things to do here. There are numerous factory outlet stores. Assembly Row is also home to Legoland! I cannot enter Legoland without a child. Maybe one of these days I will take my nephew down and pay a visit. But for now I was searching for the public restroom when I had to flag down some security people and have them point the way. It is hidden inside of the parking garage, which brings us to our next episode of The Secret Shitter.

      Locating this is a tad tricky. It is next to the Gymboree outlet store. You head down a concrete hallway, and look directly right and you will see a large illuminated box within the confines of the drab indoor parking lot.

Now this restroom is split, left side for the men, and right for the women. If you are waiting for one of your friends or loved ones, there are very nice benches located directly out of the bathroom exit. The benches look like they are made of faux leather, and are somewhat comfortable to sit on. I know this because as I was going over my notes, I spent a good five to seven minutes sitting down.
Now as you enter you will see two stalls and a handicap one. You know which one I am headed for… I saunter my way into the handicap stall and I lock the door behind me. As I shut the door and I am mentally preparing myself, I turn around to find the coat hanger, which is located on most of the stall doors, but I could not find one. I turn my attention slightly right, and on the right side of the door there is the coat hanger hanging on the wall. “Impressive” I say to myself, this is totally a first for me. Someone clearly has either been reading the blog, or they are just another like-minded bathroom aficionado.
The restroom itself is very bright, and tidy. I go to “get in my zone” and examine the seat. This seat was different though. The seat had a fluid concave circular drop around the inside rim of the bowl. This is the first time I have experienced a bowl design like this. It felt odd, but efficient; it is very hard to describe to be honest. I guess the word I am looking for would be ergonomic perhaps? Either way it is time for me to get down with the brown clowns.
There is the Coat Hanger
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
Remember how I told you about the coat hanger? Well seated on my throne, I notice something kind of cool. The coat hanger is directly center of the steel support beam which runs vertically from the ceiling to the floor. Upon further investigation I concluded that this coat hanger is one of the sturdiest I have seen to date.
There was a low busyness factor in this facility. I believe only one person came in while I heaved a grumpy for a solid ten minutes. This allowed me to immerse myself in my surroundings and take in the décor of the parking lot restroom. Now the décor is a mostly white industrial-yet-modern design with some accent tiles plastered around in a pleasing arrangement. As I am soaking up the design, I notice something really lavish about this latrine. There is wood trim which runs the length around the bathroom horizontally. Now I know this whole complex was built fairly recently, but man, for a parking lot bathroom these guys went the extra mile! Needless to say I am very pleased with the aesthetics of this powder room.
Now on to the TP. Unfortunately the TP that was present was a measly one-ply. Kind of disappointing considering how the rest of the bathrooms atmosphere feels. Either way as I wiped my butt, I could feel it start to sting. The fucking one ply was literally tearing me a new one! This is the burden one carries around with them when they are at the mercy of hemorrhoids. However I do not let the inferior quality paper spoil my trip.
The Accent Tiles and Wood Trim
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
Now as you can imagine the flush took my mighty offering down with one gulp. I gathered my items and I headed towards the hand washing station. As you can imagine all of the dispensers are automatic. Both water and soap dispenser is made by this company called Sloan. The water flow was steady and efficient, and the soap didn’t have that weird timed delay that most have. It took about one and one-half cycles of water to clean my hands. Now for the hand drying situation there were two options; paper towels, and an air dryer.  Now for those of you who have been paying attention, I usually do not use the air-dryers that are in most bathrooms. They never fully dry my hands and I am always left with some slightly damp hands. However everything changes when you see the Dyson Airblade DB. Now if any of you are unfamiliar with the Airblade DB, it is a dryer that you stick your hands down vertically while air blows on both sides of your hands, wicking it away as you lift your hands up and out of the sensor region. Although this is just as efficient as most air-dryers, I always have fun using these. I feel like I am in the future!
Upon my exit of the restroom I notice something rather odd hanging from the door. There are hours for this restroom. The hours posted on the door are as follows:

Monday – Saturday: 10:00AM – 9:00PM
Sunday:  11:00AM – 6:00PM
Now I can’t help but think that these hours are just a loose set of guidelines. Because after taking a note of the hours, I looked down at my watch to record the time and it was 6:50PM on a Sunday night. So there has to be something amiss here. I will attribute it to the fact that it is most likely securities job to ensure the bathroom is locked, and there is probably a bare-bone skeleton crew scheduled on Sunday’s.
                
     So now that you have come along with me on my little excursion to Somerville, let us begin The Secret Shitter Review. Now for all of you new readers (and for those of you who may need a refresher) these are rated out of a possible 5 stars.
Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 2

Overall: 4.5
Congratulations Assembly Row Parking Garage for receiving a very commendable 4.5 out of 5 stars from The Secret Shitter! I believe this is the highest rating I have bestowed upon any place as of the time of this writing. Everything about this shitter was a home run outside of a few things. I have a feeling that this was probably one of the last places Assembly Row wanted to house their bathroom, but it might have been a victim of a design flaw. Or maybe they are conning me, maybe this bathroom is so awesome that you have to seek it out and be amazed for yourself. Either way, this bathroom only got a minus .5 stars because of the accessibility factor, and the horrendous TP they used. If they changed the TP situation here I might have to amend my rating and give this a perfect 5 stars. However with all things considered, the bathroom at the Assembly Row Parking Garage should be a destination for any avid public pooper. You will thank me when you find this diamond in the rough. For now everyone, remember to grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop.
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