Category Archives: 3 Star

Maine: Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

On today’s adventure, we are on the outskirts of the beautiful old port district in Portland Maine. The streets are getting less seedy, and are starting to show some groovy vibes. While on my way to the old port district some bad vibes were harshin’ my bowels. Over a small hill, I saw our next site, The Holiday Inn Portland.

                What made this scene, even more fun was the National Sheriff Conference that was taking place on the first floor. These bad hombre’s were everywhere! Surely the Secret Shitter has met his match? I could literally, figuratively, and metaphorically get arrested 8 ways to Sunday.

                I marched right past the badge distribution sheriff to find the bathroom on the left-hand side of the small hallway at the bottom of the escalators coming in from the front door. You won’t find signs for it, so it is important to make a note of the path to the poop splash.

                When you walk in, you get blasted by the mute white walls. You will notice the snazzy looking yellow flowers that were eloquently placed on opposite ends of the sink. You will see a large baby changing station. Now you will cast your eyes on your three stall choices. They are all very large and feature coat hooks.

                Surprisingly the bathroom was not that busy. There were a couple of people who meandered in while I was giving the toilet some rough justice of my own. Weirdly enough there were no cops in the bathroom. That was a godsend for obvious reasons.

                The toilet paper was a measly one ply. It was harsh and cruel. I did not like it. This bathroom also boasts a manual flusher, sink, and soap dispenser. They did have paper towels, though,  I wonder if that could influence their rating?

                Speaking of ratings we have to get to the Secret Shitter Review.

Number of Stalls: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 3
Total Score: 3 Stars

 

                The Portland Holiday Inn is exactly what you would expect from a large chain hotel bathroom. The décor is nice enough, and the cleanliness is usually near top-notch. The hard to find shitter is normally a good thing. However, I don’t like walking through a get together of law enforcement officers knowing I am about to go into a bathroom and snap pictures as part of my review. I rolled the dice on this and won. I always have a small amount of apprehension when it comes to funneling some brown gold down the old’ pipeline. There is always the off-chance that I can get caught and have to explain this shit posting I do. So to summarize this post, the toilet is pretty average for a hotel. I have seen better, I have seen worse.

Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

Address: 88 Spring St, Portland, ME 04101
Phone: (207) 775-2311

Portland Maine: Casco Bay Ferry Terminal

I had lunch with an old friend of mine while I was in Portland, I IMG_20160323_153417_981was able to hang out and catch up with an old friend, and eat his amazing food! I won’t bore you with our catching up details, but I will say that the Reuben I had was absolutely amazing! I was also introduced to a non-alcoholic beer made by Guinness called Kaliber. It was a blonde beer, and it totally hit the spot and paired very well with my Reuben Sandwich. However, that isn’t the point of me writing this. While I was catching up with my friend, he gave me a little tip, and told me to go to the ferry terminal next door and take a crap in there.  He said I wouldn’t be disappointed. So without further delay, I present you the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal.

The Casco Bay Ferry Terminal has ferry’s which run from IMG_20160323_153417_913Portland Maine to Peaks Island. Peaks Island is the most populated island in the Casco Bay. It is technically apart of the city of Portland, and is only 3 miles from downtown Portland. The ferry runs 16 times a day, and it only costs $7.70 one-way, which make this an awesome side-quest during your trip to Portland.

When my friend told me about the Ferry Terminal shitter being good, I, had some reservations. Maybe living so close to Boston has made me jaded. When I think of a ferry terminal I think something that has the potential to be awful, because this is completely open to the public. I can’t tell you how many times that I have seen some foul shit in completely open-to-the-public bathrooms. But when I walked in here it was actually kind of clean for a ferry terminal! The terminal itself is super small so the bathrooms are clearly visible to everyone in the terminal.

There were three stalls that you could choose from in here. IMG_20160323_153417_884When I walked into my stall I was surprised by how roomy it was. It had a coat hook in there to hang my little bag in, which was nice because I like to bring gifts back for people when I go away. The great thing about this shitter was the toilet seat. It was one of those ergonomic ones, and I will say that they do take the strain off of your back while shittiing. It was something that I wasn’t expecting, and my friend was right.

I won’t say that I disliked the decor in here, I just found it kind IMG_20160323_153417_899of puzzling to be honest. As I stated before the decor was strange, the walls were untreated concrete, and the stall dividers were grey. The flooring was grey and a very light blue. You can look at the pictures and you can make that determination for yourself. Personally I didn’t like it, but maybe it is a Maine thing, who knows.

Another note about this bathroom is how busy it is. This ferry services piques island. Apparently it is very pretty over there, I didn’t get to make it over there this time, but I most likely will the next time I am in Portland. I will say that there were a lot of people coming and going, so much so, that I feared for my journalistic life. I thought for sure that I would be caught.

Just when you think this is getting all wrapped up, we have to save room for some tp talk. See the toilet paper in here was just IMG_20160323_153417_926awful. It was two ply, but it is like they stitched together two pieces of sandpaper to make one awful ultra-sandpaper. This tore up my asshole cuz. The toilet paper was even hard to prepare. It didn’t bunch up correctly, and it folded terribly. There really wasn’t anything I could do except try to use blunt force on my asshole. I had to use so much toilet paper to wipe up that it isn’t even worth trying to make light of the situation.

Well now that we know about the toilet and its’ surroundings, why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter Review? All of the ratings are based on five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

 

I am going to give this stall a solid three stars on our rating IMG_20160323_153417_940system. I did like the ergonomic toilet seat, and I also enjoyed the larger than usual stall. It wasn’t as dirty as I expected it to be either. The decor was odd, maybe one could call it a “headscratcher”.

However, it takes a lot for the decor to sink a rating. The decor is more of an expression and left to interpretations. If I find a bathroom visually appealing, then it helps, but it does take a lot for it to sink a rating.

What will sink a rating is the terrible toilet paper that makes this bathroom its’ natural habitat. There was nothing good or fun about it. My asshole just puckered up a little at the very thought of it. Not only will you have sub-par toilet paper, but you will also have to deal with a lot of people coming in and out of there. This isn’t a spot for you to sit and relax, this is a dump-and-ditch place. The reason why it gets so busy is because of how accessible it is.

So there you have it friends. I would highly recommend the Reuben sandwich from Ri Ra next door, and if you left the restaurant a little too early and need a place to lay a dookie to rest, then the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal is an OK place to poop. At least your back won’t be hurting as you listen to the pitter patter of people scampering in and out.

 

Massachusetts: Pret A Manger

A late night dookie stop was in order for our next location. I IMG_20160420_205516_785was kind of hungry and almost at State Street MBTA station when I spotted our next location. I got overcharged for a different sandwich, and in consolation they let me shit in their bathrooms. So without further stalling, I give you our next location, Pret A Manger.

Pret A Manger is a UK-Based retail coffee and sandwich shop. They make overpriced sandwiches which really aren’t that good. I was really hungry but even worse was the shit I had to take. It was like a long knife had been piercing my insides. By the time I actually made it to the register, the shit that was about to come out of my ass, it felt like throwing a bunch of rocks on a hammock. You know eventually it is going to burst and all of the rocks are going to come crashing down.

After I paid for my food I kindly asked the cashier if I couldIMG_20160420_205516_681 use the restroom. He said, “absolutely, the code will be printed on the ticket to get into the bathroom along with the WIFI password”. You did hear that right, they print the fucking bathroom codes on your receipt. I know sometimes I am too busy to be bothered looking at my receipts, and maybe this is a way of ensuring you bought something gaining you access to the bathroom. Well no need to bother buying something, because the code is: 7467.

The men’s restroom is located around the corner from the to-IMG_20160420_205516_697go sandwiches. You walk down that little hallway, and it is right there on your left. Pop in the code, and you have just gained access to the bathroom! Now when I entered my code I was startled at what I found. There was a woman worker in there cleaning the bathroom! I mean she was right in the thick of it. Scrubbing bubbles were everywhere and the toilet water was a soapy mess. She seemed just as startled as me, and she quickly excused herself. I was left alone in the bathroom with all of the cleaning supplies all to myself.

The only one saving grace to all of this was, at least I knew that the bathroom was going to be the cleanest it was going to get. I personally had to take the paper towel roll off of the baby changing station and wipe down the toilet seat myself. Honestly it wasn’t too bad, but it was still a minor inconvenience.

After I started unloading my anal arsenal on the soapy waters below, I started to feel bad for the poor girl who had to come back in and clean up directly after me. I normally don’t feel bad for people IMG_20160420_205516_711but she was going to be in the direct line of fire of my ass gas. This place was stinking up fast! Nevertheless, she really had no choice, and the bathroom itself is a large, private room too. So at least it was only on toilet to clean!

The décor in here was nothing short of atrocious. The walls were white tiles, which lined each of the walls the full length from floor to ceiling. The floor was this awful anti-slip industrial tiles. I would expect to find that kind of a floor inside of a factory, not a bathroom. I have really only seen this type of flooring in walk-in coolers and freezers when I was a cook. I guess the only good thing about the flooring is that it is quite impossible to slip and fall in here. Score one for the business man?

After my soapy shit explosion was done, I had to go and turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now since the bathroom was being cleaned there was no toilet paper in the holders that were on the wall. I assume she was changing them out when I walked in. Instead, they were sitting on the handicap bar, on the right side of the toilet. IMG_20160420_205516_725These were big rolls. Now normally bigger isn’t always better. Anytime I have done battle with the toilet paper rolls of this size I have always lost. But I thought that this would be different. These industrial sized rolls were quite soft! They didn’t exactly clean up my butt too well, so I had to use more than I normally would, but at least they were soft. Juggling a roll of that size while trying to clean myself up was nothing short of extraordinary. The rolls kept falling off of the side bar onto the floor.

I remember having to manually flush the toilet, even though it had automatic capabilities. The sink and soap were both manual. There was an air dryer in here exclusively for you to dry your hands, but I took advantage of the cleaning supplies that were left in here and wiped my hands with the paper towels that were supposed to be used for cleaning up the room.

With a tip of my cap, and relief in my belly I bid farewell to Pret A Manger. All that is left to do is to go onto the review! Remember The Secret Shitter’s review is based on a five-star rating…

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 4
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 3.5

 

Pret A Manger came in at a respectable 3.5 Stars. I know that this evaluation will be a little skewed due to the time that I went to use the restroom. I came in pretty close to closing time. The girl cleaning the restroom would be an indication of that. So this is the bathroom in its’ purest form. All thriller, no filler. There wasn’t reallyIMG_20160420_205516_739 anyone to knock on the doors, and as I said the place was clean as hell. I didn’t like the fact that I had to wipe off the scrubbing bubbles lingering on the toilet seat. I kept slipping and sliding around the fucking toilet seat. That was no good, but at least I know it was clean and disinfected. The décor was terrible, and I admired the use of the industrial flooring, but ultimately it was awful. I did like the toilet paper; it was a lot better than the ones I have used before.

With its’ location I am hesitant to give it any more than three stars, IMG_20160420_205516_754this place is located right outside of the State Street train station on Washington Street, so you know it is a lot busier than this. Overall, I would say in off-peak hours this is a great place to go and take a shit. Peak hours, however, might yield different results.  Readers take caution…

 

OK so that is all said and done with. Now it is time for shameless self-promotion time. Send me your recommendations for places to take a shit around New England. If you are lucky enough I will pick your location and give you a shout out! If you didn’t notice, there was no posts from Wednesday through Friday last week. This is due to me trying to learn Photoshop. So I got a tad bit too carried away, and totally forgot to write… I am also working on creating our own storefront for the site. This way you don’t have to go through a third party to buy our stuff. I will keep you guys posted on that when I know more.

Rhode Island: Providence Athenaeum

So what does legendary New England Author H.P. Lovecraft IMG_20160316_143656_643
and myself have in common? We most likely took a shit in the same building. Which is why I am so excited about visiting our next location! I know Mr. Lovecraft has visited here, and he even wrote about it in a couple of his stories. There was an awesome bust of him in here too. This was a part of my side quest while I was in Providence, to visit some of the H.P. Lovecraft sites. So without further ado I bring you to our next location: The Providence Athenaeum.

The location we are going to is ripe for the pooping-pickin’s. It’s free, and there is some history here, and you know they are going to have a public bathroom. Which is what makes going to little places like this really cool. I get to learn a thing or two, and then I get to take a dump. Life doesn’t really get any better than that.

IMG_20160316_143656_658           After you walk into front of the building, the bust of H.P. Lovecraft is on your left around some tables with some books on them. There are little ravens with arrows which point you around the place, taking you to different points of interests. There are little tidbits of information stored on plaques around the building.

I am interested in what the building has to offer, but I got to take a shit, and I need to do this post haste! There is a reception desk at the back of the building, you don’t actually need to talk to them (although they are very friendly) but you need to keep this location for a point of reference. Directly across from the reception desk there is a staircase which will lead you downstairs. After going down those stairs you will find an original painting of George Washington. What you want to do now is turn left and head towards the small hallway. There will be another door that says “Rare Books”, but don’t shit in there. I don’t think they will take too kind to you doing that.

Down the other small hallway, you will find a door. Inside is IMG_20160316_143656_671where you will find your own private gender-neutral bathroom. Now because this is a gender neutral bathroom it only has one toilet. The bathroom has a coat hook for your belongings, and once you get situated you will realize that this place is fucking tiny. There is also a baby changing station in here too. So as you can see this bathroom has every amenity that a busy person needs, it is just all in a very cramped space.

I was taking a hearty, yet beefy dump for a good seven minutes when I realized that nobody had knocked on the door.  Thank goodness too, because if they did come in, they would have been blinded from the stench. The décor in here is comprised of grey tiles lining the walls and the floors. Although there was a very nice boarder etched out in white which I thought added a classier touch then I am used to. But overall everything was grey except for the vanity and the white which was etched in the boarder tiles.

There was a sign on the door which read “Please flush IMG_20160316_143656_685 - Copynothing but toilet tissue”. I guess they have energy efficient toilets, and it cannot take the load of objects other than poo, and toilet paper. So bearing that in mind I had to start to consider what kind of toilet paper awaited my bunghole. It was a very average two ply toilet paper. It was like the color grey, of toilet papers. There is nothing in my extensive notes about anything one way or the other in regards to the toilet paper.

The time has come now for the moment of truth. I had to IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copymake sure this toilet took down every last poo drop. It did so after struggling with it for a moment. The toilet reminded me of a kid when you force him something to eat that he/she doesn’t want to. Then they make that exaggerated gulping motion, that is exactly what this toilet did with my shit. The toilet was manual, and so were the sinks and the soap dispensers. They did have quite an array of paper towels at their disposal. I was finished here and I left the door open to air things out a bit, hopefully the smell won’t do any harm to the rare books a room over…

Well now that we have heard this tale, let’s see how The Providence Athenaeum stacked up in our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 2
Accessibility 2
Busyness 1
Décor 3
Cleanliness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 3

 

I am going to give the Providence Athenaeum a solid Three IMG_20160316_143656_741 - CopyStars. Mostly because that is what I wrote on the guest book upstairs. I would not want my name to be dirtied in the literary world. If I write “3 Stars” on your guest book, then as God as my witness that is what you are getting! Actually this bathroom should have gone down by a half-star to a full star based on the comfort factor. It felt like I was taking a shit in my grandmother’s spare bathroom. How they packed all of that stuff in there is beyond me. I also don’t get whose bright idea it was to put a vanity in there that was so big? Actually maybe the vanity wasn’t big at all, maybe the bathroom size is the real problem. I liked how it felt as though I was pooping in someone’s house, and not at a library. I thought that was a nice touch. But overall this bathroom is fucking tiny. It is a good thing that there was nobody in the building to disrupt me too. I am glad that I got to see the place, but the toilet facilities left more to be desired. Now I am not saying that there are any crackheads in the building which makes this a safe pooping haven, but Providence has a lot better bathrooms to offer than this one.

IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copy IMG_20160316_143656_726

You know I have been going HAM at this Secret Shitter stuff, it would be really cool if you clicked the “donate button” above and showed some love. If getting things is your thing, then buy our book, there is a discount code available from me. If you can’t find it on the Facebook or twitter, just shoot me an email and I will get it to you. See you on Monday when we visit Portland Maine: Hyatt Place.

Massachusetts: Boston’s South Station Bus Terminal

In one of my previous reviews I visited the MBTA’s South South Station Bus Terminal Edited (1 of 1)Station, and I had to deal with the six gates of poo hell. This time I had a much more pleasant experience. In another review I talked about eating a Bacon Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel from McDonald’s as part of my pre-trip ritual. I had more time to kill before I left for my current out-of-state-trip, and the little bastard snuck up on me sooner than I would have liked. However, if it wasn’t for the little bagel sandwich, I wouldn’t have found our next spot: The South Station Bus Terminal.

The prospect of walking into a major city’s bus terminal to take a dump had me a little unnerved. Especially after going into the other bathroom in the same complex. Upon first stepping into the bus terminal’s bathroom I was actually impressed! The bathroom was open and large, and had very nice, bright colors, also this bathroom’s fixtures seemed to be both; working order and plentiful.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (3 of 8)       I was actually awestruck as to how clean this bathroom is. Maybe it is an anomaly because it was around nine o’clock in the morning. Even though it was past rush hour, it was still clean by our standards. There didn’t seem to be the familiar puddles of piss lying on the ground, and there were only a few small pieces of toilet paper strewn around by the receptacles.

There were plentiful stalls to choose from too. Actually there is five in total. I opted to go into the first stall that I could. Which was the furthest one to the right. Inside of the stall, there were coat hooks to hang your bags and your coat on. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable in here however; the stalls were a little too small for my liking. There was enough room for you to put your elbows out and move around, but it felt a little too restrictive.

The décor was actually nice by bus station standards. The South Station Bus Terminal Edited (4 of 8)walls were a muted grey-blue tile with a brown boarder running across the top of the walls. The floor had a speckled peach and brown squares forming an even larger squares around the entire floor. The actual speckled colors were; black, white, brown, and beige. I know it may sound awful, but it actually didn’t look all that bad.

What was really bad however, was the god-awful one-ply toilet paper they stock in this facility. I had a hard time bunching it up, and I had an equally hard time trying to fold it to wipe my ass with. It just felt cheap. After putting the toilet paper next to my arm (unused of course) I could actually see through it. This type of paper is not going to feel very well on anyone’s asshole. It was quite cheap and uncomfortable, leading the cleanup process of your poo-time into unfriendly territory.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (5 of 8)                The real kicker for this bathroom is just how busy it is. I was able to snap some pictures of the bathroom with no one in them. Four of the five stalls were being used, and once I was in mine, the flood gates opened up. I could hear the sounds of the Dyson Airblades going off from people drying their hands. If you are a little timid when it comes to pooping in public, then I would say that a bus station hub is probably not the place to lay down your logs. I would opt for a more intimate setting than this one.

Now with that being said, the clean-up process was all automated. The flusher was automated, and so was the sinks, and soap dispensers. There were a total of four Dyson Airblades in this bathroom, two on each wall. There were also little tables across from the sinks so you can change your baby’s diapers too.

 

And just like that I was done with my business and ready to jet off to my next destpoonation. So why don’t we see how the South Station Bus Terminal faired in our Secret Shitter Review? Remember that these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 5
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 1
Total 3.5

 

The South Station Bus Terminal scores a solid 3.5 on our South Station Bus Terminal Edited (6 of 8)Secret Shitter Review. For it being a highly trafficked bathroom it was very clean. It also had more than enough stalls to satisfy the amount of people coming through here. It also boasted four Dyson Airblades! That is the most Dyson’s we have seen to date! However, it was very busy when I was duking in there. It wasn’t just a few people either, I mean A LOT of people came into there. So just by that alone it is going to go down a few points. I did like the little urinal cubbies they had off to the side. I thought that was nice. I also really liked the décor, even though the floor design and color scheme seemed a bit tacky. I am surprised that this scored so high on the scale to be honest. I figured it would be a literal dumpster fire. Sometimes even a seasoned pro like myself gets surprised, which is why we investigate everywhere in these reviews. So if you happen to be in the area of South Station, this is actually a great place to go and take a dump. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be either. Most of the traffic gets syphoned through the train station anyways. So the bus station has a lot less people by comparison. Thus, the MBTA treats this like a station they should clean frequently. It seems like there is enough sanitation staff to go around here. Well at least at nine in the morning. So to conclude, you can totally shit here, and it totally only sucks just a tiny bit.

 

Like what you see? Well tell people about us! I just made a South Station Bus Terminal Edited (7 of 8)Tumblr. If anyone likes that? Just look for “SecretShitterOfficial” and that is us! Also I am considering making some “Secret Shitter’s Shitty Postcards” if you want some, answer the poll below. If there is enough demand, then I will do it. If you also didn’t notice, the website has undergone some changes, we just switched over to a new web host, and all of the pictures are kind of wonky. Well, only the “featured” ones anyhow. So I guess I am going to have to go back and fix 40 of them, plus work on pictures for the next 40 or so posts. So why did I tell you that last bit? I did that so I could say “thank you for your patience and understanding”. So with that said, I will see you again Friday for the Rhode Island: Providence Athaenum.

Providence, Rhode Island: Courtyard Mariott Providence Downtown

IMG_20160331_005556_937  I was walking along in Downtown Providence past the river, and I was just sort of lost. I had every intention of conquering this city’s poopers one stall at a time but now that I am a fish out of water, and it was time for me to hunker down! As I was walking towards the financial district, trying to find the H.P. Lovecraft house, I happen to notice a sign which read, “Marriott Hotel” on the side of this brick building. There wasn’t an entrance in this place, just the sign. So my curiosity got the best of me and as I rounded the corner up a small hill I spotted our next location, The Courtyard Marriott Providence Downtown.

There were two bus’ parked on the hill leading to the front door. When I got closer to the door I noticed there were NCAA stickers plastered on every inch of the window. Apparently a portion of the Final Four tournament was being held in Providence. This hotel wanted you to know that if you were here for the NCAA then you are welcome! I walked in to the see some young college kids on the right giving out pamphlets of “things to do in Providence”. I wanted none of that. I walked right past the reception desk and turned to the hallway on my right and headed that way. Along the middle of the hallway there is a smaller one where the bathrooms are located.

When you walk into the bathroom you will notice one lone solitary stall directly IMG_20160331_005556_967
ahead of you, and a urinal on your right. I had no problems finding the joint, and I was afraid it would be busy as a bee, but it wasn’t. See everyone was trying to find their rooms or trying to find the bar, me on the other hand, I was in it for the shitter! That stall was a handicap one and it was quite large and roomy. There wasn’t a coat hook on the door, but the stall was so large and clean I could put my bag down on the floor without worrying.

I sat down to take my shit, and again I was expecting at least a couple of people to use the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting it to be so dead. The other nice thing about this bathroom was the music which was playing softly in the background. It was nice to know I could let my butt trumpet wail and there was at least a modest attempt to cover up the awful noises with some classic soft rock.

 

                Now sitting here, I had quite a bit of time to soak up the sights the bathroom had
to offer. There was a weird abstract painting of what appeared to be tie designs hanging on the wall. But it was a nice contrast to the bright red walls with beige pattern running IMG_20160331_005556_952along the wallpaper. Now the Marriott Hotel’s seem to have this odd sort of connecting rectangle pattern that you can’t really see upon first glance. I wish I took a closer picture of the design to show you what I meant because looking at my pictures it seems like the walls were just red. Go through some of my previous reviews to find The Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive in Cambridge Massachusetts to see the design pattern up close and personal. The only thing that differs from the Cambridge Marriott’s Bathroom to this one is the Cambridge Marriott’s color scheme was peach and black, this one was red and beige. The walls in the stall were lined with this light-brown stone-looking tiles which were totally cheap and not the real deal. You can tell by knocking on them. These seemed to be the ones that you install when you are short on money. Now the floors were the same color tone as the tiles lining the walls only they were a shade or two lighter.

                To illustrate my point about the cheapness of the whole façade we have to look no
further than the toilet paper the hotel provided. It was in one of those oversized toilet paper holders. If you don’t know anything else about toilet paper quality know this; an IMG_20160331_005556_996oversized roll means that the quality is compromised over quantity. See companies will put oversize toilet paper in here because they don’t have to change it as often. The number one thing to look for in a good toilet paper is the size of the roll. This toilet paper was not top notch by any stretch, but it did the job. It felt cheap against my cheeks and it took more than usual to clean myself to the point where I felt comfortable leaving.

The toilet flusher was a manual flush. The soap was also manual, along with the sink. The only good thing about the clean-up process was the fact that they offered paper towels to use for hand drying. Although the paper towels were thin and small which made me use a more paper towels to dry my hands then I normally would.

So now that we know all that there is to know, let us begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these ratings are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

IMG_20160331_005557_10

 

We’re giving the Marriott Courtyard Providence Downtown a solid 3 Star rating. Some of the pros include; it is hard to find, it is not busy, and it was pretty clean. The cons on the other hand would be; the toilet paper quality. Yeah this place looked really nice, and was pretty hard to find, and they had some soft rock playing in the background. It all adds up to a better than average experience, but the carelessness of the toilet paper quality really sets this place back a few points. Now if they replaced the toilet paper brand with a better quality one, then this would easily be a 4 Star Shitter. However, this TP will rip your ass apart, and it will do so slowly, and painfully. I enjoyed both the décor, and the abstract tie painting. I was also fond of the bold colors of the bathroom. I thought it looked distinguished enough to be on the higher end of the shitter’s I’ve visited, but ultimately it comes up short. Trying to find the front door is also a bit of a challenge. This place is really hidden, and you really have to go on a trek to find it. I just wish that the end result would be better worth your time. On the other hand, if you were walking along in Downtown Providence, this place is totally good enough for you to take a shit, providing that you didn’t walk past the building. With all that in mind the housekeepers do a really good job of cleaning the place, so the bathroom has that going for it as well. On the other hand, you are given some demon-like toilet paper to wipe your ass with. So with that in mind, keep the Courtyard Marriott Downtown Providence on your pooping to-do list.

Like what you are reading? Did you know we are going to be coming out with two new books? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, along with The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Those will be available hopefully by the end of the summer/early fall. Please remember to share the page and posts you like, and I will see all of you on Monday for our next review: Portland Maine: Starbucks on Commercial Street.

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.IMG_20160309_143415_100

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

IMG_20160309_143415_185           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The IMG_20160309_143415_171baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

IMG_20160309_143415_158     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_143415_131

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.

IMG_20160309_143415_144

OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.

 

 

Walmart – Lynn

Walmart is one of the quintessential awful places in America. It is the evil big-box retailer that put everyone out of business, offering cheap crap for cheap. Since you can barely find an associate to help you when you need it, I decided that I would make my first venture into the true North Shore of Massachusetts here at the Walmart on the Lynn-way.IMG_20160201_185756_455

This is kind of a two-fold post, I get to review a bathroom in Lynn, and I get to review a Walmart bathroom. To be honest I really didn’t have high hopes going into it, but as you will see, it is surprisingly nice. I will say as a side note that there are no bike racks anywhere outside of this Walmart. So after struggling to find a place to secure my bike, I wandered into the retail super-store to begin my adventure.

Upon first walking into the store you are greeted with a giant sign that says “bathrooms”. The lavatories are literally located on your left after the photo booth, down the hall from the self-service Tax machines. Why on earth do they have self-service tax machines is beyond me, but I guess that is a different post for a different blog.

So I opened the door and actually stood there in amazement at what I saw. The bathroom was really gorgeous! There were a three bay sink that had this “S” like curve to it. Very swanky looking colors as well. It was a brown tones with kind of an upscale rustic feel to it.  There are all sorts of things in this bathroom which caught my eye, there was a baby changing station, multiple ways to dry your hands, and then a mystery box that said “$1.00” on it. We will dive deep into the contents of the mystery box later on.

IMG_20160201_185756_471           So I am impressed thus far with this shitter. There were three urinals, and two stall to use, one of which was handicapped. I made my way over into the handicap stall and I was surprised to see that there was another one of those baby car seat things in the wall. I wish I had a junior of my own to strap in a watch daddy’s anus explode in an animal-like fury onto the calm waters of this toilet, but I don’t so I will just have to sit here and think about things like that giggling to myself.

Now let’s get down to some brown business shall we? One thing I will say about this stall is that there really are no coat hooks for me to hang my jacket and bag up on. I ended up going freestyle and opening up the toddler car seat thing and used that, but really that isn’t an excuse for not having one. So I went on to do the dirty brown jug dance, and sat there in blissful meditation. Not one single person went in there. It was around seven o’clock on a Friday night too, so I know it isn’t exactly “peak” hours, but I can imagine families and working class people getting stuff done around that time.

The handicap stall was very spacious. I will say that there probably could have been one more shitter, but two will have to do, I reckon. So now I decided to give my full, undivided attention to the toilet paper and the qualities and properties pertaining to it. Upon first feel, it was two ply, and it was a cheaper quality. I figured as much, with this being Walmart and all, but when it kissed the beast incarnate known as my anus, it was surprisingly solid! It didn’t feel rough on the bum, it actually felt kind of soft! I don’t know what kind of bizarre world I entered, but I like it.IMG_20160201_185756_545

OK so the toilet was of the automatic flush variety, and inside of the stall there was a plunger, and a toilet brush. In case you felt like cleaning the toilet after an awful crap. But to this date I haven’t ever used a toilet brush which wasn’t my own, and nor do I intend to. The plunger use is debatable though, if I was at a friends’ house, I wouldn’t want poo water leaking all over the place. But at a Walmart? I could give two shits less. But it was not on this day that I needed to use it, so that is a positive for the establishment.

The S shaped sinks were automatic but the soap dispensers were manual. They offered two varieties to dry your hands, air dry, and paper towels. I would have opted for the paper towels, but there were none in stock at all. Walmart made my hand drying decision for me.

Now onto the mystery box which said “$1.00” on it. There is a coin slot and a little circular pull tab. It kind of reminded me of the old cigarette machines, if you can picture that style of handle you know exactly what I am talking about. Now I placed four quarters inside the box, and I pulled the tab anxious to see what would drop into the slot below. Would it be a condom, pills, or body spray? My eyes glasses over as I pulled the tab, only to find that nothing dropped out of it. Why the fuck would you put something like that in there, and not stock the fucking thing? Well instead of going to find a manager and blow my cover, I thought that it was best to just let the mystery lay dormant until I got home.

IMG_20160201_185756_486       On the following Monday night, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to call and figure out this mystery once and for all. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence to you readers if I didn’t at least attempt to follow up. Now I have never had to inquire with a business before, so I debated with myself if I should just come out right, and say I am The Secret Shitter to the manager on the phone. I already have my pictures, and I have formed my opinion about the bathroom, so there is literally nothing they can do to stop me. I decided against using my fame to my advantage, but I had to come up with an alias, so I decided on the name; Rusty Shackleford. Here is the transcript from my conversation with Walmart of the Lynn-way, keep in mind a woman answered the phone:

Walmart (WM): Thank Yous for calling your neighborhood Walmart, how can I help you?

The Secret Shitter (TSS): Hi I had a question regarding your men’s room.

WM: OK sir, what can I help you with?

TSS: Well first I have to say that the bathroom is magnificent, but I lost a dollar putting it into your mystery box in there.

WM: Um OK…

TSS: Well I really do not care about the dollar, but I was wondering something, because my curiosity is getting the better of me. What exactly is supposed to be in there?

WM: Well sir I really don’t know; I don’t go into the ladies’ room.

TSS: OK so is there something like that inside of the woman’s room?

WM: Yes.IMG_20160201_185756_515

TSS: What is dispensed in that contraption?

WM: Tampons sir.

TSS: I take it they are not dispensing tampons in the men’s room right? I mean it would have been fine if a tampon came out, it is my own stupid fault for putting a dollar into an unmarked thing, I guess I could have given it away to someone.

WM: (Howling Laughing) Yes sir I guess you could have. However, I don’t think that we are dispensing tampons in the men’s room.

TSS: So you have zero idea as to what could be dispensed?

WM: No sir I do not, can I place you on hold?

TSS: Yes…

After coming back from the hold.

WM: Sir I have to go; you have a great day.

TSS: You too.

 

I was not satisfied with the above answer. I don’t think it would do you guys justice to if I just left it at that. I called back again the following Friday night, this time I taped the conversation. This is the conversation that I had with Gabriel, a Walmart associate:

 

 

So there you have it. It is still a fucking mystery as to what could be dispensed in the mystery dollar box inside of Walmart’s men’s bathroom. One day we all might find out, but it is not on this day. Instead of focusing on what we don’t know, let us bring our attention to what we do know. I guess it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that each category is based on a five-star system, so let’s begin.

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 4

Cleanliness: 3

Décor: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3IMG_20160201_185756_501

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

Wow I was not expecting the Walmart in Lynn to have a 3.5-Star rating upon first deciding to go in there. I thought that it would be a dump for sure, and you guys would get a howl out of seeing me go into another awful bathroom. But that shocked even me that it was this nice! It has everything that you want. It is located right after the main entrance, so you don’t have to wade through people, and the store itself. It is shockingly clean besides the little bit of toilet paper, and paper toilets on the ground. There was an adequate amount of toilets to handle the heavy rushes, and the stalls were quite roomy. However, this bathroom would have easily been a point higher, had the paper towels been stocked. Also I can live without the advertising on the mystery dollar box, but I cannot forgive an employee not stocking that as well. I mean does Walmart not sell cheap enough condoms, or Tylenol? Why the fuck would you put something for sale in the bathroom and not stock it? Better yet, had I been broke and spent my last dollar trying to get lucky, and got clowned out of my money, I would have been fucking pissed. Not only would I not get to destroy any poo-nany-nany, but I would have been out my final dollar as well. All I have to say is FUCK YOU WALMART. Stock your fucking cheap-ass condom machine. Until then your bathroom will dwell in the average category. Even though the décor was fucking amazing, you will lie in purgatory until I find out what is in that machine.

 

(Editor Notes): I can deal with them not knowing what was in the fucking mystery box, but to be a blatant douche canoe, is unacceptable. I was legit trying to figure out what was in the mystery box, not trying to make your life harder asshole. You could have lied to me and said that there were condoms in there, and the conversation would have ended there. But no, you had to tell me there was a fucking Xbox in the dollar machine, or better yet, a coupon for a free Xbox. I know that “The Secret Shitter” sounds fake as fuck, but come on man, at least be a little professional. I wasn’t swearing, nor was I trying to make your life more difficult.

 

Like what you read? Well then tell someone about it. Reblog it, tumblr it, facebook it, or tweet it. Tell people about us, and we will keep on coming out with the good stuff. Until next time, Peace.

Hotel Buckminster

           Our next adventure brings us to the Hotel Buckminster located in Kenmore Square. I am pretty sure this about does it for public restrooms in this neighborhood of Boston, but you never know. The sign for the hotel is located right on the corner of Brookline Avenue and Commonwealth Avenue. But the entrance to the hotel is located around the corner on Commonwealth Avenue.

            Out of all the times I have walked by here I have never actually been inside of the hotel itself. I used to walk by it and just say the name of the hotel in a bad English accent. But today would be different, not only would I go into the hotel, but I would take a crap in it!

            So once you walk up the stairs, you are in quite possibly the smallest hotel lobby I have stepped foot in to date. There are a few chairs for you to sit down in, but it is pretty much a wood covered room (a very classy touch I might add) and a desk with an agent. I don’t think you are going to get into the restroom without declaring your need to use said restroom. So begrudgingly I asked the front desk agent if I could use the restroom. Even though he was very pleasant, I still don’t like asking people to use the restroom. Maybe I am afraid of getting outed as The Secret Shitter. Even though my name is all over it, and my picture appears in our first book, I still don’t like the employees to know it is me. Although this hasn’t been a problem to date, I just feel like it would skew the results if I were to be noticed in public.

            Anyway enough of that chatter, the very nice front desk agent told me that the restroom was down the hall on the right hand side. There are literally only two ways you can go in this hotel, and I stupidly didn’t even notice the sign pointing to the restroom. Either way they knew I was there to use the restroom, and thus didn’t call the cops on me for just walking in there.

            So I come to the door on the right which has the bathroom. It is a one stall private inter-gender restroom. Just a toilet and a sink. I turned on the light, and tried to locate the coat hook to hang my bag up. I will say that the light in the restroom was quite dim. It actually took a good five to seven minutes for the light to reach “normal” brightness. I was pretty much just pooping in a darkened room. Oh yeah I was trying to find the coat hook to hang my bag up. So Here is what the situation is like. The bathroom itself is very tiny. Not much room other than a toilet, and a sink. On the opposite side of the door was a 3M coat hook. Like the one you would buy at a target. That is what this hotel had to hang your coat up with. I hate those things. They are very small for being a coat hook, and I was almost positive it would have fallen down if I had actually put my bag on said hook. So I opted to just lay my bag down by the bottom of the door and hope for the best.

            I will say that the restroom itself was very tidy. I mean I don’t know how it couldn’t be considering how small it was. There was barley any room to move around here, and there was an old style radiator just chillin’ in there with you. This bathroom is already displeasing me. I will say that the décor of the shitter was of a brownish hue. Not much more to say other than that. Also on another note, not a soul bothered me while I was in there making some brown décor of my own.

            As you can imagine the toilet and sink were of the manual variety. The bathroom also boasted a paper towel only hand drying option. By the time I was done drying my hands the light had reached full brightness. With my hands all dry and my belly emptied of the poo, I thanked the front desk agent, and I went off about my way.

            Now that you have heard the rather uneventful tale of my pooping adventure, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review…
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 1
Overall Rating: 3

            The Hotel Buckminster got an average Three Stars out of a possible five. This was literally the most boring dump I had taken to date. Nothing went wrong outside of the lights taking an incredibly long time to heat up. It was just, average. The comfort factor was low, and the coat hook was flimsy at best. I am not saying this is a bad place to take a shit or anything, but it isn’t going to wow you. It is just bland. The lights taking its’ time to heat up leaves you in a dimly lit bathroom. I felt like I should have lit a cigarette just to give it ambiance. Like I said, there really isn’t anything to write home about when it comes to this toilet. I actually kind of feel like I deprived you guys by reviewing it. I wish something would have happened to me while I took a dump here but sadly, it was just average. Even the fucking toilet paper was average. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. And that ladies and gentlemen describes the Hotel Buckminster, it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, but it will get the job done.

            Are you still looking for that wild factor? Why not just go over to Amazon and buy our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1? It has all sorts of wild tales of dooking around the city. And it can fit easily inside of a purse, briefcase, or backpack. So take the only guidebook you really need with you wherever you are! Until next time, Peace. 

City Target

               Good old City Target is our next Secret Shitter poo spot. Actually it isn’t an old one at all; it is the brand new Target which just opened up on Boylston Street in the Fenway section of Boston. This Target has three floors, and is conveniently located within the city. You can take the MBTA here, and do all of your shopping. Now personally I am not interested in any of that at all. I was finishing up my nightly Iced Americano from Starbucks when the sirens started to alarm me that a poop was imminent. So I headed inside the three floor building.
               There is an escalator directly ahead of you when you go through the main entrance. There is an elevator too which will bring you up to the second floor where the store begins as well. Now I am a man of swift action and I took to the escalator with the fury of a thousand Gods. I got to the top and on the opposite side of the wall past all of the cash registers, which were severely undermanned by the way, is where you will find the entrance to the hallway which will lead you to the porcelain promised land.
               Now you go down this red hallway, and turn to your right, and right there in front of you is the restrooms. There are also a family restroom and a woman’s restroom as well. Literally you cannot miss the hallway. It has big white letters which say “Bathrooms” on it.
               I walked in and I was taken aback by how large the space really is. I mean this is a huge bathroom as far as I am concerned. The weird thing though is that there are only two stalls in there. The rest is just urinals. Hopefully you will catch it when there aren’t that many people occupying the spaces. Why they would only build two stalls for shitting is beyond me. There is enough room for at least two more, with enough room leftover to accommodate four urinals. But I am not in the bathroom design business; I am in the shitting business.
               So unfortunately for me, the handicap stall what being taken by a rather loud pooting gentleman. So I went into the other stall and began my journey. Now the toilet itself looked kind of futuristic. I am picturing this type of toilet being on 2001: A Space Oddesy. But needless to say, there were both handrails in this normal stall, and there was a coat hanger to boot. Very large for a normal stall, but I don’t think you could fit a wheelchair in it, but you almost could.
               As I did my swinging arm test to gauge the stall size I did happen to notice how clean the facility was. There was literally nothing out of place on the floor and every lock, hinge, and apparatus worked as it should have. As I laid my sweet booty down for some poo time, I will say that this bathroom was incredibly busy even at night. If you are skittish about your poo tasks than I will say that you might want to find another bathroom to go to. I believe that I went around nine thirty at night, and the joint was still hopping. So just bear that in mind when you decide to enter the bathroom.
               Now the floor was white tiles with spots of beige in them. The walls were the atypical Target walls; they were bright white with red accent tiles. This is something they do across the corporate board. I would imagine that in every Target across the country each bathroom is set up with this décor in mind. So after seeing my third Target bathroom, there isn’t really anything new that jumped out to me. The stall dividers were metal, and that is pretty much that.
               After wrestling with my poo enemy, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper in this facility. Although it was technically two ply, it was subpar at best. You would think that in a new place they would at least up their TP game a little, but sadly this is not the case. This is most likely a Georgia-Pacific Generic Two Ply #183. Needless to say my asshole was not happy with the choice of toilet paper from this particular Target.
               Now that the automatic flusher took every down, I sadly had to end my adventure. I went to go wash my hands, which by the way everything was automated; the water, soap, and air dryer. The peculiar thing about the sinks is that they kind of look like dog bowls. They are high vanity like sinks, which seem like somebody tried to put an effort into the design of the bathroom with, but they just look fucking horrible. They look like those bowls you spit into at the dentist’s office. They are just completely awkward and seem out of place in my opinion. I will commend them on giving the vanity a little color, it seems like off-white beige to be honest, but it totally doesn’t fit in the bathroom. The other thing I did notice on my way out the door was that there was a cleaning list for the week hung up on the door as you exit. So at least it is going to be kept clean.

               So now that I am done doing the poo-doo that I do, it is time to turn your attention to my Secret Shitter Five Star Review. Now remember folks this is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 2.5
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 4
Décor: 3
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 4
Overall Rating: 3

               I will give the City Target a solid 3 on my scale. Partly due to the accessibility and cleanliness factor (which is what you look for in a bathroom) but the other negatives outweigh the positives. What good is it if you have people knocking at the door, or shitty toilet paper? Yeah you can find this bathroom, yeah it is big, and yes it is clean, but the largeness of the bathroom is to accommodate like five urinals. I don’t think it matters what time you go here because it is going to be busy as hell regardless of the time of day. You are going to either encounter rush hour shoppers, or people going to shop before, and after they get off of work if they go to work at irregular hours. The toilet paper in this place leaves a little more to be desired. The décor is a generic Target bathroom design, so that is what it is, but those dog bowl looking sinks are ugly as sin. However If you are looking for a place that is centrally located to poo-poo than the City Target makes for a more than adequate place to shit. Even though there are better places to shit literally across the street, sometimes when nature calls, you can’t put her on hold.