Category Archives: 1 Star

Alewife MBTA Station

This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.IMG_20160309_181246_399

I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.

So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.

According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.

So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.

IMG_20160309_181246_359       Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?

Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was IMG_20160309_181246_386going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.

Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.

A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.

I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 0

Accessibility: 2IMG_20160309_181246_373

Cleanliness: 0

Décor: 0

Toilet Paper Quality: 0

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 0

Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.

Update (3/12/16):

The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.

 

I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.

 

Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.

 

Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.

 

* “Ridership and Service Statistics” (PDF) (14 ed.).Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. 2014. Retrieved 5 July 2015.

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alewife_(MBTA_station)#cite_note-bluebook-2

Primark

           So today we are traveling to the sort-of new retail mega-structure in Downtown Boston, Primark. Primark is relatively new European clothing retailer. Decent quality stuff for pretty cheap. I personally like European-style cloths, I think they fit me better. It probably has something to do with the fact that not everyone in Europe is a thick like us. I wish I was of a bigger build so that it wouldn’t be so hard for me to find cloths that fit me. But that is not the point of this, we need to get to what really matters, the bathroom.

 

 
            Ok so Primark took over the old Filenes in Downtown Crossing. Now there are four floors of clothing in this place, and roughly three and a half is dedicated to women’s clothing. So if you are a dude looking for a large selection, you will get one half of one floor. The rest is for the women. Now the restroom is located on the fourth floor. Getting up there is a pain in the ass. You have two options, take the elevator, or take the escalator. If you are on the escalator, chances are you will be just as cramped as you would on the elevators, except you won’t have to wait as long to get up there. At least you can gauge how slow your moving on the escalator. When you wait for the elevator, it seems to take an eternity to get to your floor. So I would advise that you take the escalator.
 
            Now once you make it up to the fourth floor, there are signs that point you to the bathroom. Although they are very hard to follow. The whole store is confusing like that. But a good way to find the bathroom is to look where the employee break room is. It is down that hall that you can find the bathroom. Great so you found where you are going, and you walk down the hall and what do you find? A single door, that houses one bathroom. It is multi-gendered, so there are no men’s or woman’s restroom here, just one shared bathroom. Considering the size of the store, I thought maybe I got lost or something and found the employee bathroom. But after reassurance from a Primark employee, I indeed found the bathroom. Well this is going to be different.
 
            I don’t even know what came over me to go through with this review. I could see the single file line gathering behind me, and I knew I was going in there to see what brown could do for me. So after what seemed like forever, it was finally my turn! I felt like a benchwarmer who the coach finally called in to play at the big game.
 
            I opened the door and what did I see? I saw a single solitary toilet in the far left corner. Now I got to say that this bathroom was massive! I mean you could have totally fit like two or three toilets in here, there is no need to have just one solitary toilet in this bathroom. Hell you could have cut it up into two bathrooms and maybe alleviated some of the bathroom lines, but then again, maybe that is how they do it in Europe.
 
            So I looked around for a coat hook, and found none. Well no worries, this bathroom is so large it does not really matter. You can stick your stuff on one side and they will be out of the way of any poo-water.
 
            So as I laid my booty down on the toilet, I started with the dirty deed of flushing out my colon. It could not have been thirty seconds into my poop before someone started knocking on the door. I had a feeling this would be a running theme. Sure enough just about every minute or so, there would be a knock at the door. Now I could have been in this bathroom for about four minutes’ tops. I must have spent a solid minute wiping my ass, and not to gross you out or anything but it was akin to wiping a wet marker. Try as I might, I just could not rid my anus of my poo-remnants.
 
            So in the process of all of this, I kept hearing these weird gurgling sounds coming from the pipes of the toilet. I thought it was kind of odd at first and I thought maybe there was another toilet located close by, but sure enough it was coming from this very toilet. I was starting to panic in here. Not only was the toilet making weird noises, but the shitty one-ply toilet paper was ripping me a new one. To make matters worse, my asshole refused to dry up. I thought I was going to run out of toilet paper, but thankfully I got rid of this awful duce-residue.
 
            As you can imagine, the knocks at the door got louder and more frequent. I even had what appeared to be an employee ask me if everything was alright. I assured him that I was almost done, but my asshole was like a wet marker so I would need an additional thirty seconds. I do not know how that employee took it, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I could never see his reaction.
 
            Now that I was done I went over to the manual sink and washed my hands up. Lo and behold right next to the sink was the cream of the crop, the Dyson Airblade. I took great joy in running my hands up and down the inside of this futuristic air dryer while the sounds of knocking grew louder and louder. I gathered up my bag and I headed out, only to see the line grew three times its’ size since before I got in there. I hope the stink didn’t offend anyone… Who am I kidding? I hope I gagged that bitchy lady who gave me the stink eye as I walked proudly out of that bathroom. Nobody fucks with my shit-time, and I mean nobody.
 
            So now that I was done doing what I do, much to the horror of everyone standing in line, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.
Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 1
Stall Comfort: 3
Cleanliness: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Décor: 1
Busyness: 5
Overall Rating: 1
            This bathroom is just as bad as the one-star rating indicates. I don’t know what is worse, having a drab all white design, or having fifty people knocking on the door while I am trying to take a dump. I get it that this is a shared bathroom, but you would think with a store of this size there would be two separate bathrooms for men and women to alleviate the strain on the line. I am not even sure if the employees have a separate bathroom to be honest. It looks like they put no effort into the design and placement of this bathroom. It almost feels like they went “oops, I guess we need to put one in here”. With four floors of retail space, that means it can hold quite a bit of people inside. When there are that many people sharing one bathroom, bad things are bound to happen. Shame on you Primark! I like your cheap clothing options, but your bathroom situation would offend Satan himself. This is absolutely the worse bathroom I have encountered outside of The Walgreens on School Street. Hell even Faneuil Hall’s hanging-on-for-dear-life door beats this bathroom. I have a feeling I would have had a better shitting experience if I had asked to use one of the Port-a-Pottys in the construction site next door. I would have at least been able to shit in peace.

 

            Now that you know about my experience, why don’t you tell me about some of your own in the comment section below. While you are at it, why not purchase our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 on Amazon and keep it in your purse or bag and never fear shitting again. Until next time, Peace. 

Corner Mall

              The Corner Mall is a small collection of stores located on Washington Street in the Downtown Crossing section of Boston. There is a pretty sizeable food court, which has more Chinese noodle places than you can shake a stick at. There is also a Dunkin’ Donuts and a sushi place. Personally I am a big fan of the Chinese knock off noodle joints, so after devouring a teriyaki chicken plate with some noodles, it is almost instantaneous that my stomach begins to get upset. You never know when the urge to drop down some brown u-dong noodles of your own will strike.
               There is a bathroom located on the basement level at the corner mall. It isn’t very hard to find once you get into the food court itself. There is a large sign that says “Additional Seating Available Downstairs”. Just follow the damn sign. It really isn’t that hard.
               Once you get downstairs there will be a plethora of tables and stools, and a lonely security guard sitting by himself looking at the entrances to the bathrooms wondering what his life has come to. The bathrooms share a common entrance. On the left hand side there is the men’s room, and on the right hand side there is the woman’s restroom. I would advise you to go to your gender’s respective facilities.
               Upon entering the men’s room, you will notice a stark change in atmosphere you are accustomed to. The men’s shitter is actually covered in black tiles. It is actually kind of weird when you really think about it. You are used to light, and airy colors when it comes to shitters. The stark change kind of leaves you bewildered, or maybe it is the smell of piss that permeates around you.
               If the smell is any indication about the cleanliness of this bathroom, you are in for a rough time shitting. I know the large homeless population uses this bathroom as their home base. This is probably the reason why there is security posted up down there. Anyways I seem to be getting off the topic. When I walked into the bathroom I couldn’t help but notice a junkie looking dude just washing his arm pits in the sink. I mean this dude had his duffle bag (which he most likely lives out of) on the ground, clothes all over the sink, and he was literally using that foamy soap to wash his pits. I do have to commend the gentleman on his hygiene, at least he won’t smell in public. I am sure that guy has bigger problems on his hands instead of worrying about little old lonesome me seeing him wash his pits with foam soap on a Friday afternoon.
               So to continue, there are only two stalls for you to make your choice. There is a handicap stall, and a normal sized stall. Now on this day the stall I would normally use (the handicap stall) was being occupied by a very boisterous shitter, so I had to opt for the normal man stall. I got inside of the stall and noticed how much of a chore it was to get the damn lock to well, lock. It was one of those situations similar to the Faneuil Hall North Building review, I had to make my shit as large-sounding as possible to ward off any would-be intruders.
               As I got the door situation under control, I had to find a place to hang my bag up. Unfortunately for yours truly, there was no coat hook available in this particular stall. It seems as though the hook itself had been taken completely off of the stall door. “this is fine, remember your training” I thought to myself. Usually I will just place the bag next to my feet and hope for the best. Well I had to kick away some toilet paper on this particular day. It seems like it was trying to soak up some unidentified liquid which was on the ground. Again, this isn’t really that big of an issue, I HAVE seen worse places than this before.
               So I go about my boo-pooping business. I was grunting and straining loud enough so others would know not to disturb me. In the process of doing this, I happened to glance down to my left and turned my attention to the toilet paper holder. Anxiety instantly came over my body. There was no fucking toilet paper in this stall! What is a secret shitter to do? Well upon further inspection I did notice that there seemed to be a roll lodged up in the top part of the toilet paper holder. Unfortunately, the damn thing was locked. On a side note, I had lost my keys a week prior. You might be asking yourself “why is this relevant to a story about shitting in a crappy strip mall”?  Well the reason why this becomes relevant is due to the fact that on my keys I had a Leatherman multi-tool. If I had the damn Leatherman, I would have been able to wedge the damn knife in the little key hole and unlock the fucking thing. However, the poop gods would not be with me on this day.
               Now I am a small guy, I lumber around at a staggering five foot two inches. Being on the shorter end of manhood, I have been granted the gift of having “petite” girly hands, as I call them. As I sit here shitting my brains out from the damn u-dong noodles, I am trying to size up the fucking toilet paper hole to save my underwear from becoming a victim of being used as improvised toilet paper. So now here I am shitting wedging my hand (wrist deep by the way) up this fucking toilet paper dispenser, hoping to Buddha that there are no needles stuck up there. What made it worse was every time I thought I had a grasp of the toilet paper, the gods would let it just slip upwards escaping my grip, and putting the toilet paper back into its’ original starting position at the top of the dispenser. Now I can continue with describing this terrible ordeal in great detail, but I will spare you today. All you need to know is that it took about fifteen minutes of me fucking around to get the damn toilet paper to drop.
               So after all of that fuss and excitement, I had to get the fuck out of that bathroom. Truth be told, I totally forgot to take any notes about the toilet paper quality. I vaguely remember it not being of the highest quality, but I cannot attest to anything concrete. If you guys and gals take anything away from these writings know this; I will report to you only the facts. Not a single fabrication is made in any of my writings. I will say that in the course of me wrestling the toilet paper dispenser, that there were innumerable amounts of people who came through that bathroom. I am actually shocked that this report has any pictures to go along with it.
               The only thing going for this bathroom is that the automatic flusher for the toilet was not on a time delay. Everything else in the handwashing department was also automatic. There was only one option for drying your hands, and as you can imagine, it was a shoddy old air dryer. After snapping the few pictures, I could, I got the hell out of that hell hole, vowing to myself that I would never come back, unless it was to piss.
               So now that you are in the know, I would like to turn your attention to the Secret Shitter Review. This review is based off of a five (5) star point system. Let us begin…
Number of Stalls: 2
Accessibility: 2
Stall comfort: 2
Cleanliness: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: N/A
Décor: 3.5
Cell Phone Reception: 2
Busyness: 4
Overall Rating: 1
               You are probably sitting there wondering why I gave this bathroom a ONE STAR RATING even though it didn’t score any ones on the review itself. Well if the damn junkie washing his fucking stank pits in the sink didn’t set the bar for the bathroom, the subsequent tussle with the toilet paper dispenser totally bombed the whole damn thing. I legit spent fifteen minutes wrestling with my hand wrist deep up the dispenser trying to extract toilet paper from it. I thought I had seen bad shitters, but this one sets the bar low here on season two. Now the astute reader will see that I have added a new category, which is Cell Phone Reception. After doing about twenty-three reviews, I think that this is something that also needs to be examined in full when going to the bathroom. How many people entertain themselves with their phone while they are shitting? I know everyone who reads this does, so don’t act like you don’t. As I said in the review I really couldn’t remember how bad the toilet paper itself actually felt. It could be average for all I know, but personally I don’t give a rat’s ass. You combine this with the fact that there are a boat load of people going in and out of the bathroom and you have yourself a recipe for a really bad review. The only positives to take out of this review is the fucking décor of the place, and even that only scored a tad higher due to the fact it was different, with its’ black and grey color scheme. So there you have it folks, the only high point about this shitter is the color scheme of the bathroom.

Do you love The Secret Shitter? Than you should totally head over to Amazon.com and buy our first collection of reviews: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1. It is only five American dollars, and you can read it on most smart phones while you are shitting! So head on over to Amazon.com and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 today!

There will also be a paperback version available of The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 available soon! 

Faneuil Hall North Building

     

Photo: Secret Shitter

        Faneuil Hall, home to where newly minted American citizensget to take their oath. There is such history that goes on there. Now it has become a tourist trap. There is nothing historical for people to see here except the exterior of the buildings. It is now a high priced outdoor strip mall. It specializes in selling Boston-based souvenirs to tourists. However amongst all of these multinational people lurked The Secret Shitter.

               From my retail days I remembered that there was a hidden toilet that is not too often utilized by the public-at-large. I went into my trance and figured out where the location of it was. I was hoping that they didn’t get rid of it. The lavatory is located in the North Building of the Faneuil hall Marketplace. It is kind of hidden so bear with me as I explain how to get there. You keep the Newbury Comics main door to your left. If you keep walking along that row of doors, you will come across a door with stairs located inside. You head in that door and up the flight of stairs and directly ahead of you is the bathrooms.
                As you step in here you will notice that it is quite small. There are two stalls, one being a handicap one, and the other a regular one. Well at the time I had to shit, the regular stall was out of order. Standing inside the one stall I went to find the coat hanger, only to realize that there was none. Also that was not the least of my problems here. The door would not lock properly! A shitter’s worst nightmare. It seemed like the door was bent at a downward angle and the holes did not properly align. Trust me I tried with all of my might to get the fucking thing to lock, but it was all to no avail.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
                This door not locking situation has me on edge. This bathroom was fucking busy. Normally I wouldn’t mind sharing the delightful sounds of my butt-trumpet, however instead of a show of dominance, they are now flairs warning the people coming in as to what I am doing.
                Ok so once that people started to filter out and I had some alone time, I started to survey the décor of the bathroom. I know this is an old building so there isn’t much they are going to be able to do here. It had a silver stall dividers that seemed to be well past its prime. The powder room also boasts the most generic-looking white tiles that I have ever seen. On one side of the bathroom there was white paint that seemed to be painted years ago, and the other one was pure untouched brick. Inside of the stall where I was sounding the battle horns, I was on the brick wall side. It sort of made me feel like I was in a pizza oven to be honest. It kind of had a small novelty to it, but I quickly decided that this is the most slapped together bathroom I have seen in my day.
       
Photo: The Secret Shitter

         So now we know the stall comfort sucked. The place
was busier than a beaver, and the décor was awful. So why on earth would I expect the toilet paper to be any different? I guess maybe I had some sort of false hopes here. It was a very cheaply crafted two ply. It felt harsh and industrial. I feel like the managing company probably bought a thousand of them in bulk just to save a huge amount of money. They were probably like, “see, it is two ply”. But it is only two ply in name alone. I have wiped my ass with leaves that felt better. Ugh I am just wanting this terrible experience to finally end.

                The flusher was of the manual variety, and was very weak at taking my mighty offering to the sewage Gods. I had to flush the thing twice. The water faucet was also manual as well. I really hate it when the sink is manual. I just wiped my ass, and any good will I am doing is going to be nullified by using the manual part of the sink. The soap was automatic though! However it only dispensed a miniscule amount of soap to use on my hands. The time delay on this soap was out of control as well. And you can probably imagine that the only option that you have to dry your hands is with an old archaic air dryer. The air dryer, even after two cycles left my hands horribly damp. I did not like it one bit.
                So now that we know the score, let us begin The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember everything is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 1
Busyness: 4
Décor: 2
 Cleanliness: 3
Accessibility: 2.5
Overall rating: 1.5
               

Photo: The Secret Shitter
Yup this bathroom scored very low on my list of bathrooms. Even though this bathroom isn’t as highly used as the one in Quincy Market(which we will review later) I would have thought that it would have been in better shape. One of the stalls was completely out of order, and the other one might have well been. The whole door not locking thing really fucked with me. I know this is a spot where some homeless people will go considering this is a highly trafficked tourist destination. I was terrified that a homeless man, or some wayward tourist was going to barge into the stall and blow The Secret Shitter’s cover. I cannot risk getting caught doing what I do. I usually have my cell phone out taking notes and snapping some “bird’s eye view” pictures, I just don’t feel like explaining to people with my pants around my ankles what The Secret Shitter is, and how I serve my community. If anyone here is reading from the management company from Faneuil Hall North Building, fucking fix your goddamn bathroom. People cannot poop in piece good sir or ma’am. And this as the main reasoning behind such a shitty score. When you combine all of the other factors you can see why it scored in the lowest category. I thought that since this bathroom was well out of the path of the tourists that it would be some kind of secret butt oasis, but how wrong I was. If I were you, I would just find another place to take a shit. There are plenty of other options well within walking distance of here. There are three that are in this blog (or will be) within one block. So steer clear of this shitter, and remember folks, shitting time is Zen time.  
Remember this is the part of the post where I bug you to follow me.

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter
You can also yell at me in private by emailing me at:


Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com

North Station

Entrance to North Station
Photo: Secret Shitter
     Oh man, how do I even begin to describe my ordeal in this post? Sometimes when you’re out in public, you can’t shake off the urge to splurge. This was the case as I went to
 North Station, conveniently located inside of the TD Banknorth Garden. I actually think it is called the Boston TD Garden or something like that. Any ways, back to my problem, I went to the Garden in hopes of purchasing tickets to the upcoming WWE Raw event in Boston. After I made the sweaty trek from Aquarium Station, the coffee I had drank started to rustle up the bugs in the belly below. After facing disappointment in the closing of the ticket counters, I turn around, and find our next poo-spot.

       

                Ah yes, North Station, home to the MBTA Green & Orange Lines, and the MBTA Commuter Rail. This is a pretty centrally located spot, and outside of going to events in the Garden, I rarely ever travel there. So when I was caught in the perfect storm, I decided to throw caution to the wind and step in for some good old fashioned pooping.
Rusty Latch
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Upon entering the bathroom, which is unmarked for some reason, you are overcome with a sense of dread. Maybe it is because Nashua Street Prison (located right around the corner) probably boasts a better looking facility. I don’t know, it is something about the grey floors and white concrete walls that made it seem worse than it actually was. Maybe I might be going crazy in my short time writing this blog, trying to interpret the design meanings of shitters across the city. However there is no other way to describe this bathroom other than bleak.
                So I figured that the regular stalls would be decimated by the masses, so I decided to go to my old standby, the handicap stall. Actually it was the only one open in this three stall garage. When I walked in I immediately went to lock the door only to see this old-ass rusty door latch, the latch itself seemed too petite for the weight of the door. But the rust covering the latch told me that it had probably been there for years and stood up to some horrible abuse.
   Man for the first time in my professional poop history, I wish I didn’t take the stall. Man was this thing friggen dirty! There was wet TP balled up on the floor. There was also some kind of liquid which seemed to have run rapid all over the stall, including the toilet seat itself! Now I am not a man that gets easily flustered people. I have seen some shit in my day, and I do want to be honest, I love you guys, but not that much. If it weren’t for the
 battle sounds of my stomach I would have marched right the fuck out of there. However, I was also not about to clean up someone else’s piss from the seat. But this ladies and gentlemen, is what separates the boys from the men.
A lot dirtier than it looks
Photo: Secret Shitter

     

                I pulled my pants down to around my ankles, and I bent myself over that toilet at a 45 degree angle and I let it rip. Yeah guys I had to hover-poop on this one. Compounding the issues surrounding my situation was only made worse by how awfully busy that bathroom is. There is constant noise, and constant hustle going on here. There is also a constant air-dryer sound as well, making it very hard to keep your brown eye on the prize.
                After shaking my head wondering what my life has come down to, I went for the Secret Shitter’s TP test. Surprisingly the TP was well above average! This might just be a theory of mine, but I think that places that have handicap stalls put the better TP in there. However I will say this is an above average two ply they have in here. I feel like I have gained a small victory inside of this fortress of doom.
                Next was the flushing. It took down everything in on gulp. Which means the TP that was left over was just from some asshole that didn’t flush behind him. Hey Bozo, flush the damn toilet! It isn’t that hard, hell you can even kick it. It wasn’t like there was some kind of monster dump lurking in there, just some piss, and some toilet paper ready to meet its’ doom.
                Back to the hand-washing; they had one of those push-button style faucets which dispensed your water. They also had an automatic soap dispenser as well. The water cycle was short, so prepare for like two or three pushes of that button. Then your only two options for drying your hands are the air dryer made to look like a hockey puck, or the air dryer made to look like a basketball. Both of which look horrid, tacky, and they are terribly inefficient.

                Well now that we both muscled through this post, let us begin the Secret Shitter Five Star Review. Now remember these are out of a possible five (5) stars.
You can’t see the pee
Photo: Secret Shitter
Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 1
Busyness: 5
Décor: 1
Cleanliness: 1
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 1.5
                Well people the rating speaks for itself. This is just the second entry into the: “one category”. Everything sucks about this bathroom. You can’t find it for starters. When you do find it, you feel like you’re walking into a fucking prison bathroom. There is literally piss EVERYWHERE!  There is also a horrible and tacky looking air-dryer which are as ancient as the old Boston Garden. Toilet paper was nice though. A respectable average tp is always comforting to know. However you won’t be able to enjoy your poop with all of the crying kids, and junkies trying to take showers in there. This fucking place is awful, and I wouldn’t wish shitting here on my worst enemy. I know logically that you can’t catch STD’s from sitting on toilet seats, but I bet that scientists never went and tested one from this bathroom. Whoever cleans this bathroom must be playing some kind of cruel joke on the world. So there you have it folks, if you really need to shit and you don’t want to roll the dice and see if the commuter rail has one on board, than I guess North Station is your only option. But fear not readers, for I, The Secret Shitter vow to scope out a place more secluded, and better maintained for your pooping pleasure. It might not be in the next post, or the one after that, but I will find it… Until next time people, happy shitting!
 

Secret Shitter’s Shitty Map
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Walgreens on School Street

     One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go. I said this upon entering our next location. No I didn’t get to shit at some cool Elvis club or anything; I said this after I penetrated the stall threshold to the Walgreens on School Street’s bathroom.
Front of the Walgreens on School Street
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter

                
      Now before I tell you my harrowing tale of poop, let’s back up a bit. The Walgreens on School Street is located on School Street in downtown Bostonopposite the 7-11 and the State Street MBTA Station. Some of you may remember this building as the old Borders Book Store. Now back when this was a Borders, there was a public bathroom you could utilize while you did your shopping or reading. Since then the WalgreensCorporation took over the space, and converted it into a 24 hour store. However I believe at some point in the night they close the restrooms off to the general public, but I do not think there is any set time.
                
     Now the old bathroom is still in its old location, down a level in the basement of the structure. When you enter the store head directly towards the back, before the short flight of stairs there will be a tiny hallway on your left with a restroom sign. I would suggest heading towards that direction and pressing the down button on the elevator. Once you step into the elevator hit the “B” button and make your decent into the bowels that lurk below.
                
Some Bathroom Advice
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter
Now I had to do just a quick drop offtonight, but still I had to poop nonetheless. You turn right after you exit the elevator and the men’s room is the last door on your right hand side. Upon entering the bathroom I saw that the one handicap stall was vacant, so with excitement in my heart I headed into the stall. As I locate the coat hanger to hang my bag and lock the door I turn around and my heart absolutely sank. There was toilet paper strewn all over the floor like someone took a dook in the corner and tried to hide it. There was also writing on the wall in red Sharpie which read; “Someone Teach the Homeless to Be Clean Forreal”… Holy hell they were they right. This is one of the worst shitters I have seen in my day. I cannot say with any degree of certainty that a member of the homeless population inflicted such a ruckus, but whoever it is, you should probably cut that shit out, some poor sap has to clean up that mess at some point in his day.

                
     Now normally a little mess here and there does not frighten yours truly. This kind of mess was on a whole level unto itself. I first pull the seat down to asses any damage. To my surprise there is some kind of liquid on the seat. So I balled up a bunch of the toilet paper, and proceeded to clean the area which would seat my anus. I am normally not one of those guys who use those disposable seat covers, I feel as though they are a complete waste of precious resources, but I will change my mind in this case. So with the cover on the seat, it was go time.
               

Shitty Map by Secret Shitter
     The bathroom itself was relatively quiet considering it was nine o’clock PM in downtown Boston. However I could not really sit and enjoy myself because as I kept thinking that I have seen the last of the mess, something else would catch my eye, and I would be drawn to it. At first I noticed all of the wadded up toilet paper in the corner, there was no way that one could miss that. The second thing that instantly caught my eye was the broken toilet paper holder. There were plastic pieces broken off of the dispenser just lying on the floor. As I was looking at the floor, a fly landed on my arm. I thought that was a tad odd that the fly would be hovering around me, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I turn my attention to my immediate right and nestled into the bar which helps give the handicap their leverage, there was a half-eaten rotten apple just stuck in between the bar and the wall. How fucking gross is that? I know every time I go to take a shit I just start munching down on a fucking apple. However, as I look around more and more trying to soak up the décor, I see what I can only describe as either; baby powder, or cornstarch thrown all over the adjacent stalls’ floor. Maybe someone was having a serious case of the swamp ass. After looking at that horrible mess, I look on the side stall divider and what I see can only be described as one of two things; runny rust water which has dried, or blood.

One Part of the Mess I encountered
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

                
     The décor of the bathroom can only be described as gloomy and out dated. The color scheme seemed to be darkish grey, and grey, with the silver stall dividers acting as the only contrast in my porcelain prison.
                
     I wanted to do my damndest and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. I fixate my attention to the toilet paper. This tissue was really atrocious on all levels. Not only was this paper disappointing, but remember the broken toilet paper holder? Yeah I had to take the entire roll off of the spindle and run it around my hands and place the roll back onto the spindle with each wipe. This is very inconvenient to me considering I am trying to get the hell out of dodge.
                
     The flush of the bowl took down everything in one fell swoop, toilet cover and all. I am actually unaware if you are supposed to even flush those now that I think of it. The flusher was a manual one so I had to kick it with my foot to flush down my brown.
                
   
What The Actual Fuck
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

 The sink itself had a manual faucet and it was equipped with paper towels for hand drying. Now the barrel which housed the used paper towels were overflowing past capacity and boiling over onto the floor below. I could do nothing but shake my head and head out the door.

                
      Now that we got the 411 on the spot it is time for The Secret ShittersRatings. Remember people this is out of a possible 5 stars.
Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: -1
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 1
Cleanliness: – 10
Accessibility: 2.5
Overall Rating:   – 5
The Mess That I First Encountered
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
  Well what do we have here? We have our worst rating to date! If I said I would rather go to the dentist than take a shit here I would be telling you the honest truth. This bathroom is a pitiful excuse for a latrine. I am willing to bet that if I dropped my drawers in Pi Alley and took a shit there that it would be more beneficial for my health. Whoever is in charge of the upkeep in this restroom ought to be ashamed of themselves. Families with children poop here! This spot would be perfect for the convenience factor; it is literally on the way to most destinations in the downtown region. However I would not shit in this bathroom with your ass, and your buddy pushing. In a way I feel terrible for the poor man who has drawn the short straw on the shift and has to clean up this abomination. Never in my day have I felt so uncomfortable pooping. So there you have it folks, if I were you and I was in this area I would avoid it at all costs, unless you have to pee, and are male. I only say that because unfortunately the powers which created us did not grant women the ability to pee while standing. If the men’s room is like this I can only imagine what the ladies’ room looks like. So remember people; where ever your adventure takes you, grunt with pride and never be ashamed to poop.

 

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