All posts by Mike Gordon

Maine: Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

On today’s adventure, we are on the outskirts of the beautiful old port district in Portland Maine. The streets are getting less seedy, and are starting to show some groovy vibes. While on my way to the old port district some bad vibes were harshin’ my bowels. Over a small hill, I saw our next site, The Holiday Inn Portland.

                What made this scene, even more fun was the National Sheriff Conference that was taking place on the first floor. These bad hombre’s were everywhere! Surely the Secret Shitter has met his match? I could literally, figuratively, and metaphorically get arrested 8 ways to Sunday.

                I marched right past the badge distribution sheriff to find the bathroom on the left-hand side of the small hallway at the bottom of the escalators coming in from the front door. You won’t find signs for it, so it is important to make a note of the path to the poop splash.

                When you walk in, you get blasted by the mute white walls. You will notice the snazzy looking yellow flowers that were eloquently placed on opposite ends of the sink. You will see a large baby changing station. Now you will cast your eyes on your three stall choices. They are all very large and feature coat hooks.

                Surprisingly the bathroom was not that busy. There were a couple of people who meandered in while I was giving the toilet some rough justice of my own. Weirdly enough there were no cops in the bathroom. That was a godsend for obvious reasons.

                The toilet paper was a measly one ply. It was harsh and cruel. I did not like it. This bathroom also boasts a manual flusher, sink, and soap dispenser. They did have paper towels, though,  I wonder if that could influence their rating?

                Speaking of ratings we have to get to the Secret Shitter Review.

Number of Stalls: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 3
Total Score: 3 Stars

 

                The Portland Holiday Inn is exactly what you would expect from a large chain hotel bathroom. The décor is nice enough, and the cleanliness is usually near top-notch. The hard to find shitter is normally a good thing. However, I don’t like walking through a get together of law enforcement officers knowing I am about to go into a bathroom and snap pictures as part of my review. I rolled the dice on this and won. I always have a small amount of apprehension when it comes to funneling some brown gold down the old’ pipeline. There is always the off-chance that I can get caught and have to explain this shit posting I do. So to summarize this post, the toilet is pretty average for a hotel. I have seen better, I have seen worse.

Holiday Inn Portland-By-The-Bay

Address: 88 Spring St, Portland, ME 04101
Phone: (207) 775-2311

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

IMG_20160525_231206_9

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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Portland Maine: Casco Bay Ferry Terminal

I had lunch with an old friend of mine while I was in Portland, I IMG_20160323_153417_981was able to hang out and catch up with an old friend, and eat his amazing food! I won’t bore you with our catching up details, but I will say that the Reuben I had was absolutely amazing! I was also introduced to a non-alcoholic beer made by Guinness called Kaliber. It was a blonde beer, and it totally hit the spot and paired very well with my Reuben Sandwich. However, that isn’t the point of me writing this. While I was catching up with my friend, he gave me a little tip, and told me to go to the ferry terminal next door and take a crap in there.  He said I wouldn’t be disappointed. So without further delay, I present you the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal.

The Casco Bay Ferry Terminal has ferry’s which run from IMG_20160323_153417_913Portland Maine to Peaks Island. Peaks Island is the most populated island in the Casco Bay. It is technically apart of the city of Portland, and is only 3 miles from downtown Portland. The ferry runs 16 times a day, and it only costs $7.70 one-way, which make this an awesome side-quest during your trip to Portland.

When my friend told me about the Ferry Terminal shitter being good, I, had some reservations. Maybe living so close to Boston has made me jaded. When I think of a ferry terminal I think something that has the potential to be awful, because this is completely open to the public. I can’t tell you how many times that I have seen some foul shit in completely open-to-the-public bathrooms. But when I walked in here it was actually kind of clean for a ferry terminal! The terminal itself is super small so the bathrooms are clearly visible to everyone in the terminal.

There were three stalls that you could choose from in here. IMG_20160323_153417_884When I walked into my stall I was surprised by how roomy it was. It had a coat hook in there to hang my little bag in, which was nice because I like to bring gifts back for people when I go away. The great thing about this shitter was the toilet seat. It was one of those ergonomic ones, and I will say that they do take the strain off of your back while shittiing. It was something that I wasn’t expecting, and my friend was right.

I won’t say that I disliked the decor in here, I just found it kind IMG_20160323_153417_899of puzzling to be honest. As I stated before the decor was strange, the walls were untreated concrete, and the stall dividers were grey. The flooring was grey and a very light blue. You can look at the pictures and you can make that determination for yourself. Personally I didn’t like it, but maybe it is a Maine thing, who knows.

Another note about this bathroom is how busy it is. This ferry services piques island. Apparently it is very pretty over there, I didn’t get to make it over there this time, but I most likely will the next time I am in Portland. I will say that there were a lot of people coming and going, so much so, that I feared for my journalistic life. I thought for sure that I would be caught.

Just when you think this is getting all wrapped up, we have to save room for some tp talk. See the toilet paper in here was just IMG_20160323_153417_926awful. It was two ply, but it is like they stitched together two pieces of sandpaper to make one awful ultra-sandpaper. This tore up my asshole cuz. The toilet paper was even hard to prepare. It didn’t bunch up correctly, and it folded terribly. There really wasn’t anything I could do except try to use blunt force on my asshole. I had to use so much toilet paper to wipe up that it isn’t even worth trying to make light of the situation.

Well now that we know about the toilet and its’ surroundings, why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter Review? All of the ratings are based on five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

 

I am going to give this stall a solid three stars on our rating IMG_20160323_153417_940system. I did like the ergonomic toilet seat, and I also enjoyed the larger than usual stall. It wasn’t as dirty as I expected it to be either. The decor was odd, maybe one could call it a “headscratcher”.

However, it takes a lot for the decor to sink a rating. The decor is more of an expression and left to interpretations. If I find a bathroom visually appealing, then it helps, but it does take a lot for it to sink a rating.

What will sink a rating is the terrible toilet paper that makes this bathroom its’ natural habitat. There was nothing good or fun about it. My asshole just puckered up a little at the very thought of it. Not only will you have sub-par toilet paper, but you will also have to deal with a lot of people coming in and out of there. This isn’t a spot for you to sit and relax, this is a dump-and-ditch place. The reason why it gets so busy is because of how accessible it is.

So there you have it friends. I would highly recommend the Reuben sandwich from Ri Ra next door, and if you left the restaurant a little too early and need a place to lay a dookie to rest, then the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal is an OK place to poop. At least your back won’t be hurting as you listen to the pitter patter of people scampering in and out.

 

Hartford Connecticut: Quiznos Woman’s Room on Trumbull Street

We are about to embark on a journey. The likes of which we IMG_20160330_184752_373have never seen here at The Secret Shitter. We are about to go where no man has documented before. I am talking about shitting where we have never shat before, the ladies room inside of the Quiznos on Trumbull Street.

The air was brisk on this day in late spring in the much prettier-than-expected city of Hartford, Connecticut. I had just finished up eating an Italian chicken sub when I was overcome with the feeling of an imminent shit. I had gotten up from my seat and started my “poop dance” when I charged towards the men’s room. My plans seemed to have been dashed because there was someone already feeling the burn of a nasty Quiznos dookie.

The very nice cashier noticed that I was in distress and said, “Just go use the women’s room.” For your clarification purposes, I repeatedly asked twice if it was ok to do so and she continuously said, “yes.” Not only was my anus tingling from the sub-par lunchmeat concoction I ate, it was also tingling with the very thought of a new adventure into the woman’s room.

So the women’s room was positioned to the left of the men’s IMG_20160330_184752_388room. This bathroom was just like any other that I have baked my own butt-nuggets in. This was a lone shitter in a private bathroom. The door locked behind you ensuring that no one was going to disturb your dook. In Connecticut, they have these strange bars that come down like a roller coaster bar, like the ones that are to prevent you from flying all over the place. It actually makes more sense to have these in bathrooms than the bars screwed into the walls like we are used to. I would imagine that they provide more “ease of pooping” for our shitters with disabilities. Every time I took a shit with one of these I would pull down the bar and pretend I was strapping myself in for a rocket launch. This stall was particularly large. It had enough room to move around in, and more.

This was a pretty bland and corny color scheme. The floor IMG_20160330_184752_432looked like a rock ate at Quiznos and threw up all over the place. It was pinkish overall, but it had some black and browns speckled in there. There was a cabinet with extra toilet paper above the toilet. There were two half-full toilet paper rolls on the wall right next to a little trashcan (also wall-mounted) for tampons and pads I would imagine. The walls were white and canary yellow. The fixtures and cabinets were a mixture of white and metal. I give them an A for effort, but the overall scheme and layout just fall flat.

I will say that this bathroom was very well maintained. It IMG_20160330_184752_446looks like the people who work here take pride in their presentation and cleanliness. More businesses should follow the example of the hard-working men and women of the Quizzos on Trumbull Street. Nothing was out of place and you could eat in there if you wanted to. Although, personally I would recommend not doing that.

Well overall when I was shitting nobody knocked. It was a good thing too because I don’t know what the woman would have done if she heard my clearly male voice amid the sounds of my butt-band playing their latest hits. I did, however, find myself in this predicament because the men’s room was occupied. I would think that in the height of the lunchtime rush this would probably not be the place where one would want to shit, especially in the opposite gender’s bathroom.

This toilet paper was top-notch. I will say that in my notes it just says; “solid four-star toilet paper” and nothing more. I vaguely seem to remember it being soft and having the little ridges. I did try IMG_20160330_184752_418to open the cabinets above the toilet to try to peep at the brand of toilet paper they buy, but the cabinet was locked. As of right now it is a mystery, but I have my suspicions that it could be Angel Soft brand toilet paper.

Now you know about how the other half poops, let’s begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember that these rating are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 3
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4.5

 

For my first trip into a ladies’ room this scored pretty high on my review! The toilet paper was a higher quality, and it was very clean. I know some women who have read these reviews have told me that woman’s rooms are disgusting. I have no way of knowing that, I don’t use the women’s room. Prove me right (or wrong) in the comment section below. We are living in a strange time in American history. With discussions about transgender rights and which IMG_20160330_184752_403bathrooms you can, and cannot use, I literally did not notice anything different. The toilets were not shaped differently, and there wasn’t anything in there that I already haven’t seen. Yeah I will say that the little wastebasket up on the wall was different, but it isn’t something I haven’t seen before. It wasn’t like someone was writing on the walls with their bloody tampon or anything. It was a toilet, a sink, and a hand dryer. Personally I do not see the difference here. Granted this was a private bathroom. But in a shared bathroom I have never once been interested in peeping in on someone taking a shit. You have a better chance of someone accidentally walking in on you, mid-push. I must say that my dick doesn’t even wiggle a little bit at the thought of the sight.

There is a much bigger problem which looms overhead. I do not know how much clearer I can be when I say there are three different types of people who take shits in this world, and they are – Men, Women, and Children. That’s it. There is not fourth type of person, there are only – Men, Women, and Children. I wish that people who are so disconnected from the situation would just mind their own business. We have seen this problem before with segregated bathrooms. We realized as a country that the very notion of forcing people to go to a different bathroom based on ill-conceived perceptions were barbaric, and unethical.

The only shit-slinging that should be down is from anus-to-toilet. It should not be from right-to-left, or left-to-right.  The more they divide us, they more power they hold. Up until this point in time we haven’t had a problem until someone decided to make it one. I am calling on all of the readers to take the cashiers’ lead and if you see someone in trouble, just fucking help them out. I know when I have to take a shit or a piss that is not the point in time to start a discussion about bathroom rights. I just have to take a shit or a piss, is it really that difficult to get? Undivided we stand, constipated we fall.

Massachusetts: Pret A Manger

A late night dookie stop was in order for our next location. I IMG_20160420_205516_785was kind of hungry and almost at State Street MBTA station when I spotted our next location. I got overcharged for a different sandwich, and in consolation they let me shit in their bathrooms. So without further stalling, I give you our next location, Pret A Manger.

Pret A Manger is a UK-Based retail coffee and sandwich shop. They make overpriced sandwiches which really aren’t that good. I was really hungry but even worse was the shit I had to take. It was like a long knife had been piercing my insides. By the time I actually made it to the register, the shit that was about to come out of my ass, it felt like throwing a bunch of rocks on a hammock. You know eventually it is going to burst and all of the rocks are going to come crashing down.

After I paid for my food I kindly asked the cashier if I couldIMG_20160420_205516_681 use the restroom. He said, “absolutely, the code will be printed on the ticket to get into the bathroom along with the WIFI password”. You did hear that right, they print the fucking bathroom codes on your receipt. I know sometimes I am too busy to be bothered looking at my receipts, and maybe this is a way of ensuring you bought something gaining you access to the bathroom. Well no need to bother buying something, because the code is: 7467.

The men’s restroom is located around the corner from the to-IMG_20160420_205516_697go sandwiches. You walk down that little hallway, and it is right there on your left. Pop in the code, and you have just gained access to the bathroom! Now when I entered my code I was startled at what I found. There was a woman worker in there cleaning the bathroom! I mean she was right in the thick of it. Scrubbing bubbles were everywhere and the toilet water was a soapy mess. She seemed just as startled as me, and she quickly excused herself. I was left alone in the bathroom with all of the cleaning supplies all to myself.

The only one saving grace to all of this was, at least I knew that the bathroom was going to be the cleanest it was going to get. I personally had to take the paper towel roll off of the baby changing station and wipe down the toilet seat myself. Honestly it wasn’t too bad, but it was still a minor inconvenience.

After I started unloading my anal arsenal on the soapy waters below, I started to feel bad for the poor girl who had to come back in and clean up directly after me. I normally don’t feel bad for people IMG_20160420_205516_711but she was going to be in the direct line of fire of my ass gas. This place was stinking up fast! Nevertheless, she really had no choice, and the bathroom itself is a large, private room too. So at least it was only on toilet to clean!

The décor in here was nothing short of atrocious. The walls were white tiles, which lined each of the walls the full length from floor to ceiling. The floor was this awful anti-slip industrial tiles. I would expect to find that kind of a floor inside of a factory, not a bathroom. I have really only seen this type of flooring in walk-in coolers and freezers when I was a cook. I guess the only good thing about the flooring is that it is quite impossible to slip and fall in here. Score one for the business man?

After my soapy shit explosion was done, I had to go and turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now since the bathroom was being cleaned there was no toilet paper in the holders that were on the wall. I assume she was changing them out when I walked in. Instead, they were sitting on the handicap bar, on the right side of the toilet. IMG_20160420_205516_725These were big rolls. Now normally bigger isn’t always better. Anytime I have done battle with the toilet paper rolls of this size I have always lost. But I thought that this would be different. These industrial sized rolls were quite soft! They didn’t exactly clean up my butt too well, so I had to use more than I normally would, but at least they were soft. Juggling a roll of that size while trying to clean myself up was nothing short of extraordinary. The rolls kept falling off of the side bar onto the floor.

I remember having to manually flush the toilet, even though it had automatic capabilities. The sink and soap were both manual. There was an air dryer in here exclusively for you to dry your hands, but I took advantage of the cleaning supplies that were left in here and wiped my hands with the paper towels that were supposed to be used for cleaning up the room.

With a tip of my cap, and relief in my belly I bid farewell to Pret A Manger. All that is left to do is to go onto the review! Remember The Secret Shitter’s review is based on a five-star rating…

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 4
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 3.5

 

Pret A Manger came in at a respectable 3.5 Stars. I know that this evaluation will be a little skewed due to the time that I went to use the restroom. I came in pretty close to closing time. The girl cleaning the restroom would be an indication of that. So this is the bathroom in its’ purest form. All thriller, no filler. There wasn’t reallyIMG_20160420_205516_739 anyone to knock on the doors, and as I said the place was clean as hell. I didn’t like the fact that I had to wipe off the scrubbing bubbles lingering on the toilet seat. I kept slipping and sliding around the fucking toilet seat. That was no good, but at least I know it was clean and disinfected. The décor was terrible, and I admired the use of the industrial flooring, but ultimately it was awful. I did like the toilet paper; it was a lot better than the ones I have used before.

With its’ location I am hesitant to give it any more than three stars, IMG_20160420_205516_754this place is located right outside of the State Street train station on Washington Street, so you know it is a lot busier than this. Overall, I would say in off-peak hours this is a great place to go and take a shit. Peak hours, however, might yield different results.  Readers take caution…

 

OK so that is all said and done with. Now it is time for shameless self-promotion time. Send me your recommendations for places to take a shit around New England. If you are lucky enough I will pick your location and give you a shout out! If you didn’t notice, there was no posts from Wednesday through Friday last week. This is due to me trying to learn Photoshop. So I got a tad bit too carried away, and totally forgot to write… I am also working on creating our own storefront for the site. This way you don’t have to go through a third party to buy our stuff. I will keep you guys posted on that when I know more.

Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau

IMG_20160323_134230_33   Google Maps has thwarted me again! It took me all around the mulberry bush in Portland. Whenever I get to a new city I like to go and grab a physical map. After about an hour of wandering around trying to find the damn visitors center, I finally did find it. I welcome you to the Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This particular location of the Visitors Bureau was not the main one. It was a satellite location above some candy shop selling Salt Water Taffy on Commercial Street. It really was fucking hard to find. Then once you enter the building you came face to face with renovations, and the feeling like you shouldn’t be in there. But there is signs saying “Visitors Bureau 3rd Floor” inside, so technically I felt like I could wander around inside of the old brick building. I made my way to a third floor office, and lo-and-behold, here it is! I might have startled some of the office staff because they all seemed to not know where the walking maps were kept. I had three separate people try to find the things for me. They did however, find the maps and give me some helpful information about the city. From there, I went about my way.

On my way out I happened to be walking down the hallway that is shared between different companies inside of the building, and right to my left was a bathroom! I looked around, and no one was IMG_20160323_134230_48watching, so I just moseyed on inside and took a Trump.
The bathroom was gender-neutral, which was to be expected. It served multiple offices and businesses on the third floor. I walked in and I was met with this tiny, but charming bathroom. The walls were painted off-white, and the woodwork around the floor was painted black. The floor was a greenish-blue with rustic grout filler. It had one toilet, and had all the amenities of home. It had a little toilet paper caddy, a plunger, and a toilet scrubber.

This bathroom was quiet enough to take a seven minuet crap in without being disturbed. Even though the bathroom was shared between offices nobody knocked on the door. I was left to my devices in here without being seen or noticed. It was a true delight to crap in.

IMG_20160323_134230_62It was meticulously taken care of. It was very clean, and there really wasn’t anything out of place here. I was expecting the bathroom to be fairly clean, but this even surpassed my expectations. Had anyone ever used this bathroom before!? It felt great taking a shit in such a virgin atmosphere. In fact, I took longer than expected to finish my shit because I felt so at ease. I felt like I had all of the comforts of home while I was so far away from it.

I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper now upon cleaning my rectum. There was an industrial sized toilet paper roll to the right of the toilet, but there was no toilet paper in here. The toilet paper you are looking for is sitting on the top of the toilet tank. It really wasn’t very good. It was a cheap one ply toilet paper. Maybe this is the way that both offices joke with each other. I am sure that the bathroom is a shared responsibility. There is most likely a toilet paper war going on between offices, because I can’t imagine anyone willingly buying this stuff for the fun of it.

Everything was manual in this bathroom. For some reason there was also an older model air dryer in here. I opted to use the paper towels which were sitting inside of a basket. After cleaning myself up, I slipped out of the side door like a looking around to make sure I hadn’t been spotted, and I went along on my journey. IMG_20160323_134230_89
So now that you know about this secret poo spot, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Review. These are all based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 5
Accessibility 1
Busyness 1
Décor 4
Cleanliness 5
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 5

I am going to give The Greater Portland Convention and Visitor’s Bureau a Solid Five Stars! Normally when a place has one ply toilet paper it immediately takes them out of the running for a Five Star Rating. So you are probably wondering why this toilet made it to the IMG_20160323_134230_102top? Well to be honest this is probably the most secretive of shitters I have shat in to date. I totally wasn’t supposed to be in the building at all, the actual visitor’s center is located a little way down the street. After getting directions there I still couldn’t find it. I did, however, find what I was looking for in the form of a walking map to Portland that didn’t look like a child drew it. I had picked up a map at the Greyhound Station on Congress Street, and it looked like a child and drew it in crayon. The staff there was very friendly, and very helpful in the information they gave me. The bathroom felt like I was at home, and I was left to shit undisturbed. The décor in the bathroom didn’t look all that great, but it felt very “homey” if you IMG_20160323_134230_116know what I am trying to get at. Combine that with the fact that the inside ground-level floor looks like you shouldn’t be in there, and you have a great built-in deterrent. This is truly a great place to take a private shit in the busy downtown section of Portland.

Like what you see? Why not tell your friends about us! I am working diligently to pump out The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, and I still have a few more places to visit. So you get to benefit from all of that each and every week. Keep sending me to your favorite public toilets by tweeting to us @Secret_Shitter and on Facebook. We also have a Tumblr if that is your thing too. I will be headed to Burlington Vermont soon, so if you know of great bathrooms there, let us know by tweets, facebooks, tumbls, and email.

Portland Maine: Hyatt Place

“This is a place where I want to shit,” I thought to myself IMG_20160323_174328_34walking to my location. I had no idea how long of a walk it was from the bus station to anywhere in downtown Portland. I don’t quite know what drew me to this building, but I kept this next location on the back burner making sure I pinched a loaf in here on my way out of town. This location was one of the first “signs” I reached civilization in Portland. So without any further bullshit, here is our next location from Portland, Maine: Hyatt Place.

As I said in the last paragraph this was one of the first signs I “made it” into town. It seemed out of the way, and it didn’t look too busy when I was walking by there around five o’clock at night. I walked into the hotel and talked with the balding front desk agent, inquiring where his restroom was. He said it was down the hall and to the left, which is where I headed. There was only a small sign when you went down the hallway indicating where the bathrooms were.

I walked in to see one single stall along the back wall. I IMG_20160323_174328_50thought to myself: “this seems perfect”, and I hustled my ass into the lone commode. Because this was the only stall, it doubled as a handicap bathroom as well. So this means the stall was spacious enough for you to stretch your legs out. There was a coat hook in two places for you to hang a jacket and a bag on. Overall it was a good start to my pooping experience.

The bathroom’s décor was all beige. Both floor tiles, and wall tiles were beige. The floor tiles looked more like beige bricks than the oversized tiles which adorned the walls. The floor tiles had a black boarder around them making the tile “pop” more than the walls. Overall it was a great usage of a single color. Even the stall dividers were colored a matte beige color. This color scheme lent itself to making the bathroom seem brighter and larger than it actually was.

This bathroom looked like no one had ever used it. That is how clean it was. No stock was short, and nothing was out of place here at Hyatt Place. This is exactly the type of condition I want to see when I shit. Perhaps this orderliness was a result of Portland’s off-peak season, or maybe I just happened to come in after the cleaning crew finished. Either way, it was very refreshing to see such a clean and tidy facility.

Another wonderful thing about this bathroom was how quietIMG_20160323_174328_67 it was. I was the only person in here for the duration of my power-duke. Not a single soul meandered into this facility. Leaving me to my devices while I left a little bit of me in Portland.

I was having a blast while taking a blast here at Hyatt Place. But I had to turn my attention to their toilet paper. I had such a pleasant experience in here I would hate for them to ruin it by giving me inadequate toilet paper. Guess what? They didn’t! This was primo toilet paper they stocked in here. It was a soft cushy two-ply with the little ridges. This toilet paper felt amazing on my asshole and the little “helper ridges” made my asshole clean as a whistle.

The automated clean-up process helped make everything a breeze. The toilets, sinks, and soap were all automatic. The “Xacto” air dryer left my hands dry as a bone in no time. The air dryer had enough pressure and heat to dry my hands accordingly. After all was said and done I tipped my cap to the balding front desk agent, and I moseyed on down to the Amtrak Station to catch my train home.

Now we need to turn our attention to how the Hyatt Place stacks up in our Secret Shitter Review. Everything is based on a five-star system.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4

 

The Hyatt Place scored a 4 on the Secret Shitter’s Review. IMG_20160323_174328_87Everything in this bathroom was amazing. However, it fell short in just a couple of areas leaving it out of the top-tier category. A four is still nothing to scoff at in my book. This lavatory is very clean, and the single stall setup leaves you with extra room for your pooping pleasure. If someone else needed to take a shit, however, that could lead to a few problems. Personally, when I am feeling comfortable I tend to go a little slower at what I am doing, and pooping is no different. The only saving grace here is that nobody walked in. Which was very nice. I could see that they had a small café in the front desk area, so maybe the bathroom sees a little more traffic in the morning hours. I wasn’t a fan of the beige color in the bathroom, but it did work to make it seem larger and cleaner. Usually you don’t put in lighter colors if the place is a dump because every mess will be highlighted. That is also the reason you rarely see me wearing white shirts, I will always drop mustard or something on them staining them.

Overall, this is a great place to take a shit. I would poop here in a New York Minute without hesitation. So, if you are like me and underestimate the walk into Portland, keep this knowledge in your back pocket knowing that you aren’t that far from town, and you have a great place to take a shit.

 

Like what you read? Then tell people about it then. Go and share it on your social media choice. We have all sorts of profiles from Tumblr’s to Facebooks. Just help me get the word out. I am only one guy who works a day job, so I can only do so much. Also I am compiling all of these posts into The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. So I am thinking that book will be done hopefully by Thanksgiving. Well as always, thank you for reading, and I will see you Wednesday when we explore, Boston MA: The Long Wharf Marriott (Upstairs).

Rhode Island: Providence Athenaeum

So what does legendary New England Author H.P. Lovecraft IMG_20160316_143656_643
and myself have in common? We most likely took a shit in the same building. Which is why I am so excited about visiting our next location! I know Mr. Lovecraft has visited here, and he even wrote about it in a couple of his stories. There was an awesome bust of him in here too. This was a part of my side quest while I was in Providence, to visit some of the H.P. Lovecraft sites. So without further ado I bring you to our next location: The Providence Athenaeum.

The location we are going to is ripe for the pooping-pickin’s. It’s free, and there is some history here, and you know they are going to have a public bathroom. Which is what makes going to little places like this really cool. I get to learn a thing or two, and then I get to take a dump. Life doesn’t really get any better than that.

IMG_20160316_143656_658           After you walk into front of the building, the bust of H.P. Lovecraft is on your left around some tables with some books on them. There are little ravens with arrows which point you around the place, taking you to different points of interests. There are little tidbits of information stored on plaques around the building.

I am interested in what the building has to offer, but I got to take a shit, and I need to do this post haste! There is a reception desk at the back of the building, you don’t actually need to talk to them (although they are very friendly) but you need to keep this location for a point of reference. Directly across from the reception desk there is a staircase which will lead you downstairs. After going down those stairs you will find an original painting of George Washington. What you want to do now is turn left and head towards the small hallway. There will be another door that says “Rare Books”, but don’t shit in there. I don’t think they will take too kind to you doing that.

Down the other small hallway, you will find a door. Inside is IMG_20160316_143656_671where you will find your own private gender-neutral bathroom. Now because this is a gender neutral bathroom it only has one toilet. The bathroom has a coat hook for your belongings, and once you get situated you will realize that this place is fucking tiny. There is also a baby changing station in here too. So as you can see this bathroom has every amenity that a busy person needs, it is just all in a very cramped space.

I was taking a hearty, yet beefy dump for a good seven minutes when I realized that nobody had knocked on the door.  Thank goodness too, because if they did come in, they would have been blinded from the stench. The décor in here is comprised of grey tiles lining the walls and the floors. Although there was a very nice boarder etched out in white which I thought added a classier touch then I am used to. But overall everything was grey except for the vanity and the white which was etched in the boarder tiles.

There was a sign on the door which read “Please flush IMG_20160316_143656_685 - Copynothing but toilet tissue”. I guess they have energy efficient toilets, and it cannot take the load of objects other than poo, and toilet paper. So bearing that in mind I had to start to consider what kind of toilet paper awaited my bunghole. It was a very average two ply toilet paper. It was like the color grey, of toilet papers. There is nothing in my extensive notes about anything one way or the other in regards to the toilet paper.

The time has come now for the moment of truth. I had to IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copymake sure this toilet took down every last poo drop. It did so after struggling with it for a moment. The toilet reminded me of a kid when you force him something to eat that he/she doesn’t want to. Then they make that exaggerated gulping motion, that is exactly what this toilet did with my shit. The toilet was manual, and so were the sinks and the soap dispensers. They did have quite an array of paper towels at their disposal. I was finished here and I left the door open to air things out a bit, hopefully the smell won’t do any harm to the rare books a room over…

Well now that we have heard this tale, let’s see how The Providence Athenaeum stacked up in our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 2
Accessibility 2
Busyness 1
Décor 3
Cleanliness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 3

 

I am going to give the Providence Athenaeum a solid Three IMG_20160316_143656_741 - CopyStars. Mostly because that is what I wrote on the guest book upstairs. I would not want my name to be dirtied in the literary world. If I write “3 Stars” on your guest book, then as God as my witness that is what you are getting! Actually this bathroom should have gone down by a half-star to a full star based on the comfort factor. It felt like I was taking a shit in my grandmother’s spare bathroom. How they packed all of that stuff in there is beyond me. I also don’t get whose bright idea it was to put a vanity in there that was so big? Actually maybe the vanity wasn’t big at all, maybe the bathroom size is the real problem. I liked how it felt as though I was pooping in someone’s house, and not at a library. I thought that was a nice touch. But overall this bathroom is fucking tiny. It is a good thing that there was nobody in the building to disrupt me too. I am glad that I got to see the place, but the toilet facilities left more to be desired. Now I am not saying that there are any crackheads in the building which makes this a safe pooping haven, but Providence has a lot better bathrooms to offer than this one.

IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copy IMG_20160316_143656_726

You know I have been going HAM at this Secret Shitter stuff, it would be really cool if you clicked the “donate button” above and showed some love. If getting things is your thing, then buy our book, there is a discount code available from me. If you can’t find it on the Facebook or twitter, just shoot me an email and I will get it to you. See you on Monday when we visit Portland Maine: Hyatt Place.

Massachusetts: Boston’s South Station Bus Terminal

In one of my previous reviews I visited the MBTA’s South South Station Bus Terminal Edited (1 of 1)Station, and I had to deal with the six gates of poo hell. This time I had a much more pleasant experience. In another review I talked about eating a Bacon Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel from McDonald’s as part of my pre-trip ritual. I had more time to kill before I left for my current out-of-state-trip, and the little bastard snuck up on me sooner than I would have liked. However, if it wasn’t for the little bagel sandwich, I wouldn’t have found our next spot: The South Station Bus Terminal.

The prospect of walking into a major city’s bus terminal to take a dump had me a little unnerved. Especially after going into the other bathroom in the same complex. Upon first stepping into the bus terminal’s bathroom I was actually impressed! The bathroom was open and large, and had very nice, bright colors, also this bathroom’s fixtures seemed to be both; working order and plentiful.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (3 of 8)       I was actually awestruck as to how clean this bathroom is. Maybe it is an anomaly because it was around nine o’clock in the morning. Even though it was past rush hour, it was still clean by our standards. There didn’t seem to be the familiar puddles of piss lying on the ground, and there were only a few small pieces of toilet paper strewn around by the receptacles.

There were plentiful stalls to choose from too. Actually there is five in total. I opted to go into the first stall that I could. Which was the furthest one to the right. Inside of the stall, there were coat hooks to hang your bags and your coat on. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable in here however; the stalls were a little too small for my liking. There was enough room for you to put your elbows out and move around, but it felt a little too restrictive.

The décor was actually nice by bus station standards. The South Station Bus Terminal Edited (4 of 8)walls were a muted grey-blue tile with a brown boarder running across the top of the walls. The floor had a speckled peach and brown squares forming an even larger squares around the entire floor. The actual speckled colors were; black, white, brown, and beige. I know it may sound awful, but it actually didn’t look all that bad.

What was really bad however, was the god-awful one-ply toilet paper they stock in this facility. I had a hard time bunching it up, and I had an equally hard time trying to fold it to wipe my ass with. It just felt cheap. After putting the toilet paper next to my arm (unused of course) I could actually see through it. This type of paper is not going to feel very well on anyone’s asshole. It was quite cheap and uncomfortable, leading the cleanup process of your poo-time into unfriendly territory.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (5 of 8)                The real kicker for this bathroom is just how busy it is. I was able to snap some pictures of the bathroom with no one in them. Four of the five stalls were being used, and once I was in mine, the flood gates opened up. I could hear the sounds of the Dyson Airblades going off from people drying their hands. If you are a little timid when it comes to pooping in public, then I would say that a bus station hub is probably not the place to lay down your logs. I would opt for a more intimate setting than this one.

Now with that being said, the clean-up process was all automated. The flusher was automated, and so was the sinks, and soap dispensers. There were a total of four Dyson Airblades in this bathroom, two on each wall. There were also little tables across from the sinks so you can change your baby’s diapers too.

 

And just like that I was done with my business and ready to jet off to my next destpoonation. So why don’t we see how the South Station Bus Terminal faired in our Secret Shitter Review? Remember that these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 5
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 1
Total 3.5

 

The South Station Bus Terminal scores a solid 3.5 on our South Station Bus Terminal Edited (6 of 8)Secret Shitter Review. For it being a highly trafficked bathroom it was very clean. It also had more than enough stalls to satisfy the amount of people coming through here. It also boasted four Dyson Airblades! That is the most Dyson’s we have seen to date! However, it was very busy when I was duking in there. It wasn’t just a few people either, I mean A LOT of people came into there. So just by that alone it is going to go down a few points. I did like the little urinal cubbies they had off to the side. I thought that was nice. I also really liked the décor, even though the floor design and color scheme seemed a bit tacky. I am surprised that this scored so high on the scale to be honest. I figured it would be a literal dumpster fire. Sometimes even a seasoned pro like myself gets surprised, which is why we investigate everywhere in these reviews. So if you happen to be in the area of South Station, this is actually a great place to go and take a dump. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be either. Most of the traffic gets syphoned through the train station anyways. So the bus station has a lot less people by comparison. Thus, the MBTA treats this like a station they should clean frequently. It seems like there is enough sanitation staff to go around here. Well at least at nine in the morning. So to conclude, you can totally shit here, and it totally only sucks just a tiny bit.

 

Like what you see? Well tell people about us! I just made a South Station Bus Terminal Edited (7 of 8)Tumblr. If anyone likes that? Just look for “SecretShitterOfficial” and that is us! Also I am considering making some “Secret Shitter’s Shitty Postcards” if you want some, answer the poll below. If there is enough demand, then I will do it. If you also didn’t notice, the website has undergone some changes, we just switched over to a new web host, and all of the pictures are kind of wonky. Well, only the “featured” ones anyhow. So I guess I am going to have to go back and fix 40 of them, plus work on pictures for the next 40 or so posts. So why did I tell you that last bit? I did that so I could say “thank you for your patience and understanding”. So with that said, I will see you again Friday for the Rhode Island: Providence Athaenum.