Hilton Garden Inn

Burlington Vermont: Hilton Garden Inn

101 Main St, Burlington, VT 05401

The Quick Shit

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

 

Read The Full Review

Burlington is a very compact city, and it is beautiful as it is small. I knew going to the Church Street downtown area would be a good idea. The likelihood of finding public bathrooms was ver

IMG_20160525_231205_941y high. As I was walking around the Church Street Marketplace, I was
attempting to orient myself to my new surroundings. It was during this time, as I was walking down a side street an outdoor patio flame caught my eye. I looked up, and I found our next location: The Hilton Garden Inn.

Trying to get into the building was like an enigma wrapped up in a mystery. People seemed to be coming in and out of the building. I could not find the main door to let myself into the damn building! After curiously meandering around the entrance, the white and red shaded windows actually opened up into the lobby! I was so happy to finally begin the next phase of this journey. I walked up to the front desk with a new swagger in my step and I politely asked if I could use their bathroom. They told me that it was down the hall on the left.

Walking into the bathroom I immediately noticed that there were only two stalls in here. Honestly, it didn’t really matter. The IMG_20160525_231205_956larger handicap stall was in use so I had no other option but to opt for the smaller of the two. For this being a “regular” stall, it was surprisingly large and comfortable. It had a coat hook, and it was able to hold the weight of my bag and all of its’ contents. The seat was a little low for my liking, but what I saw next to me excited me enough that the low-standing toilet didn’t faze me. There was a ledge on top of the toilet paper holder! Roll me in butter and call me Sally, this is a game changer! Not only did I not have to worry about putting my iced Americano on the floor, but I also had a spot to put my phone down on too!

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IMG_20160525_231205_969           While I was sitting on the Donald worry-free, I had a chance to really soak in the decor of the bathroom. This wasn’t your average everyday bathroom decor. This bathroom decor was eye-popping. My words alone will not be able to do it justice, you will have to just look at the pictures to really get an idea of what I am talking about. The walls were laid out in a long, brick-like pattern. Each brick was a different color, they went from: white to grey to royal blue, and beige. The floor was a stone-textured grey which really added the elegance to the whole experience.

Not only was nothing out of place in the bathroom, but not a soul came in after the person who was using the adjacent stall left. I finally didn’t feel skeeved out that I had to take my coffee into the restroom with me. This place was so clean I could have ordered room service in here (one of these days when I become a filthy IMG_20160525_231205_982millionaire I am going to do that). So the point that I am trying to make is that not only this bathroom low trafficked, it is also clean as a goat’s nipple after feeding time.

The final measuring stick we had to contend with was the toilet paper. Going into the tp test I had an inkling that it would be of superior quality. I don’t know why you would put a shelf above your toilet paper if you didn’t want your guests to admire it. It would have been the ultimate football to the groin if it had been an inferior toilet paper. Lucky for me, it wasn’t. This toilet paper was a luscious two ply with enough curves to scoop and caress all of your butthole.

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I must state that the flushing mechanism was automated, but not in the way you are thinking. Usually you stand up, and the poop IMG_20160525_231205_996goes down. This didn’t happen here. You had to wave your hand over a sensor like a disapproving aristocrat shunning a poor person from your sight. Poop be gone! The sinks were also a little weird. It might be a little hard to see in the photo, but there is a little knob that you push or pull (depending on what temperature you want) and that is how the water comes out. The soap was automated, and they had paper towels for your hand wiping.

So now that we know about the restroom, why don’t we go right into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that these criteria are based on a five-star system.

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Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Busyness 2
Toilet Paper Quality 5
Total 5

I seem to be finally having some stroke of luck in my bathroom adventures! This bathroom was the Lex Lugar of bathrooms. If you IMG_20160525_231206_22don’t know what I mean by that let me put it into layman’s terms: it was the total package. It has eye-popping decor, great toilet paper, and it is hardly accessible to the public. Now if all of that didn’t get your attention, then the fucking shelf-ledge over the toilet paper holder really put it over the edge for me. I honestly have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am trying to find something to knock, but I just can’t. So kudos to you Hilton Garden Inn Burlington, you have finally stumped me, bravo!

IMG_20160525_231206_50 IMG_20160525_231206_36

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