Rhode Island: Providence Athenaeum

So what does legendary New England Author H.P. Lovecraft IMG_20160316_143656_643
and myself have in common? We most likely took a shit in the same building. Which is why I am so excited about visiting our next location! I know Mr. Lovecraft has visited here, and he even wrote about it in a couple of his stories. There was an awesome bust of him in here too. This was a part of my side quest while I was in Providence, to visit some of the H.P. Lovecraft sites. So without further ado I bring you to our next location: The Providence Athenaeum.

The location we are going to is ripe for the pooping-pickin’s. It’s free, and there is some history here, and you know they are going to have a public bathroom. Which is what makes going to little places like this really cool. I get to learn a thing or two, and then I get to take a dump. Life doesn’t really get any better than that.

IMG_20160316_143656_658           After you walk into front of the building, the bust of H.P. Lovecraft is on your left around some tables with some books on them. There are little ravens with arrows which point you around the place, taking you to different points of interests. There are little tidbits of information stored on plaques around the building.

I am interested in what the building has to offer, but I got to take a shit, and I need to do this post haste! There is a reception desk at the back of the building, you don’t actually need to talk to them (although they are very friendly) but you need to keep this location for a point of reference. Directly across from the reception desk there is a staircase which will lead you downstairs. After going down those stairs you will find an original painting of George Washington. What you want to do now is turn left and head towards the small hallway. There will be another door that says “Rare Books”, but don’t shit in there. I don’t think they will take too kind to you doing that.

Down the other small hallway, you will find a door. Inside is IMG_20160316_143656_671where you will find your own private gender-neutral bathroom. Now because this is a gender neutral bathroom it only has one toilet. The bathroom has a coat hook for your belongings, and once you get situated you will realize that this place is fucking tiny. There is also a baby changing station in here too. So as you can see this bathroom has every amenity that a busy person needs, it is just all in a very cramped space.

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I was taking a hearty, yet beefy dump for a good seven minutes when I realized that nobody had knocked on the door.  Thank goodness too, because if they did come in, they would have been blinded from the stench. The décor in here is comprised of grey tiles lining the walls and the floors. Although there was a very nice boarder etched out in white which I thought added a classier touch then I am used to. But overall everything was grey except for the vanity and the white which was etched in the boarder tiles.

There was a sign on the door which read “Please flush IMG_20160316_143656_685 - Copynothing but toilet tissue”. I guess they have energy efficient toilets, and it cannot take the load of objects other than poo, and toilet paper. So bearing that in mind I had to start to consider what kind of toilet paper awaited my bunghole. It was a very average two ply toilet paper. It was like the color grey, of toilet papers. There is nothing in my extensive notes about anything one way or the other in regards to the toilet paper.

The time has come now for the moment of truth. I had to IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copymake sure this toilet took down every last poo drop. It did so after struggling with it for a moment. The toilet reminded me of a kid when you force him something to eat that he/she doesn’t want to. Then they make that exaggerated gulping motion, that is exactly what this toilet did with my shit. The toilet was manual, and so were the sinks and the soap dispensers. They did have quite an array of paper towels at their disposal. I was finished here and I left the door open to air things out a bit, hopefully the smell won’t do any harm to the rare books a room over…

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Well now that we have heard this tale, let’s see how The Providence Athenaeum stacked up in our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 2
Accessibility 2
Busyness 1
Décor 3
Cleanliness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 3


I am going to give the Providence Athenaeum a solid Three IMG_20160316_143656_741 - CopyStars. Mostly because that is what I wrote on the guest book upstairs. I would not want my name to be dirtied in the literary world. If I write “3 Stars” on your guest book, then as God as my witness that is what you are getting! Actually this bathroom should have gone down by a half-star to a full star based on the comfort factor. It felt like I was taking a shit in my grandmother’s spare bathroom. How they packed all of that stuff in there is beyond me. I also don’t get whose bright idea it was to put a vanity in there that was so big? Actually maybe the vanity wasn’t big at all, maybe the bathroom size is the real problem. I liked how it felt as though I was pooping in someone’s house, and not at a library. I thought that was a nice touch. But overall this bathroom is fucking tiny. It is a good thing that there was nobody in the building to disrupt me too. I am glad that I got to see the place, but the toilet facilities left more to be desired. Now I am not saying that there are any crackheads in the building which makes this a safe pooping haven, but Providence has a lot better bathrooms to offer than this one.

IMG_20160316_143656_712 - Copy IMG_20160316_143656_726

You know I have been going HAM at this Secret Shitter stuff, it would be really cool if you clicked the “donate button” above and showed some love. If getting things is your thing, then buy our book, there is a discount code available from me. If you can’t find it on the Facebook or twitter, just shoot me an email and I will get it to you. See you on Monday when we visit Portland Maine: Hyatt Place.

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