Portland, ME: Starbucks, Commercial Street

As you know by now, The Secret Shitter loves his IcedIMG_20160323_174011_990Americano. I grew fond of the brew from my time working at Starbucks back in ’06. I thought it was just like coffee but better! It was my first time ever trying espresso. Recently I got an espresso maker for my home, and it rekindled my love affair with the drink. Except now I can’t really drink regular coffee anymore because I feel like it has little to no effect on me. You’re probably asking yourself why I am even telling you this story? Well from my time working in Starbucks I can tell you that they let you use their bathroom. Sometimes you don’t need to purchase anything either, so long as you look like you actually contribute to society. With that being said, I would like to present to you part two of our Portland Maine trip: The Starbucks on Commercial Street.
The Starbucks sits by the water the water in Downtown Portland.. So I had been walking around the city almost all day, and had been up for even longer. I had IMG_20160323_174012_9left my house at eight in the morning, and it was just starting to strike seven o’clock P.M. here in Portland. I had to get my Iced Americano to keep me going on my long trip back home.

I walked into the café with no problem and asked the very nice barista, Michael if I could use the restroom. He said yes and gave me the secret code to get in. Now to find the bathroom he said it was around the corner, out the door and dead ahead of you. Apparently the café shares the bathroom with other offices in the building. I followed his direction and I found the lavatory with little effort on my end. If Michael didn’t tell me about it though, then I probably wouldn’t have found it. The door was guarded by a keypad lock. The secret code to enter is: 24680.

Once you enter the bathroom you will see a handicap stall IMG_20160323_174012_48
directly ahead of you. You will want to enter that to use it. Or don’t, but don’t tell other people that I am advocating for you to shit in the trash barrel. Now the stall is handicapped so it large and roomy. The toilet seat was one of the concave ones which made it extra comfortable and ergonomic on your anus. There was no coat hook on the door so you have to lay your bag and jacket on the ground.

IMG_20160323_174012_66    Seeing how this is a shared office bathroom it looks like it
sees its’ fair share of traffic. You could tell because there was TP ripped up into little bits around the toilet bowl. I don’t know if someone was popping zits or shaving in there, but I know that is the only time I cut up toilet paper to be that size. The other option could be that the previous person went hard as a motherfucker on their diamond plated asshole and was just shredding paper like haters. Either way, I don’t want to know why there was paper on the ground, I just know what I saw. Also with that said, you could tell a lot of people have been through here because the floor looked like it could use a mopping. I am not saying that it was filthy, but it needed to be done today.

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I am noticing more and more that my pictures are not doing as much justice as they should. This bathroom was pretty grey. The stall dividers were grey. The floor was grey. The walls were so off-white they looked grey. None of it looked good too. Actually I am lying a little bit here. I liked the grey stall dividers. I think it is interesting enough of a color, but it needs to be paired with something, not grey. It is the only thing about this décor that stands out. The floor tiles look like someone took a paintbrush and just dotted some grey and white paint on them. Either way I am not too keen on this.

IMG_20160323_174012_84                The toilet paper itself was something else I wasn’t too keen on. It was so cheap. It was of two plies but it neither provided comfort, nor softness. It felt like I was grinding sandstone against my butt hole. I will say that after a solid day of shits, nothing is going to make your ass feel better, but this basically ripped my ass apart. I can tell too, because well, there is bleeding. I am also not wiping so hard to make myself bleed. I should just apply to be the Tucks Wipes CEO, because I have gained such intimate knowledge of their products.

Now that you know way more than you should about me, I think this is a great time to get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. All of these categories are based out of five stars. Let’s begin shall we?

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3.5
Accessibility 1
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 2.5


Our second bathroom is a mere 2.5 Stars. It would have been higher on the scale if the bathroom wasn’t so grey. Like I said above, I liked the grey dividers, but I just wasn’t feeling the cheap paintbrush floor tiles. They reminded me of the ones I had in elementary school. Either way they are outdated and cheap looking. I wouldn’t them in my business because I feel like it would give off the air of being cheap from the get go. This is most likely the reason for installing them in the first place, but I think there are better budget tiles then these.

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IMG_20160323_174012_117 IMG_20160323_174012_101

Now the fact that there was a keypad lock on the door was amazing! It ensures not your average Joe can get in and use it. I don’t know if the Starbucks lets that many people go through, or there is just a bunch of people from the offices above using it, either way somebody needs to mop the floor. This bathroom is just the epitome of sub-par. They do have something to work with if they wanted to update the bathroom. However, for a place that makes you call a large coffee a “Venti”, you would think that they would have better fucking toilet paper.

You can’t make someone who works forty hours a week for you use cheap toilet paper. They are at your business, making you money, more than they are at home. The least you can do is give them the top of the line toilet paper. Along with demanding a fifteen-dollar minimum wage, you should also be demanding your employer buy $1.29 toilet paper. You can get the extra strong, extra soft Charmin toilet paper at Stop and Shop for a dollar each. See you can be budget conscience and have great toilet paper, you just got to search around. Don’t let the bullies from Sysco strong-arm you into buying their awful TP. Fight the power! With all of that said, I think this bathroom is probably more worthy of Three Stars Then Two. Since it needed to be mopped I am busting it down a point. This bathroom is a lot better though then some of your alternatives.

starbucks commercial street header


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