Kmart (Assembly Row, Somerville)

                As I was printing out some pictures of the local beach, I was in need of some new picture frames to house them. As you know from last week’s post I went to the Assembly Row Parking Garage while I was en route back to the Assembly MBTA Station. I had a bad experience with the AC Moore’spicture frame I got last week. The nails were too small to hammer and hold the picture hanger into place. Although the frame did look nice once I put my picture in it. However with a fresh batch of prints I was in need of more frames of various sizes. I didn’t want to settle on the dollar store ones either. So I decided I would head over to The Christmas Tree Shop to see if they had any on sale (which they did in case you were wondering). However, The Christmas Tree Shop is located at the far end of Assembly Row. As I started at the first store I felt a bubbling building up inside which I was no longer able to contain. I was too far away from the Parking Garage Bathroom, but the cosmos must have been in my favor because I looked up, and saw my next destination; The Kmart of Assembly Row.

The sign to lead me home
photo: The Secret Shitter
               Ah yes, Kmart, the not quite as successful older brother of Wal-Mart. They provide pretty much the same type of retail items. And if you have never been to one, or heard of a Kmart, I am not going to bore you with the details. I needed a place to poop, and I needed it now!
                As I head in, I turn left at the major intersection; it is funny how these stores herd you around them like a really bad traffic loop. I make the right past the seasonal items, and embossed on a bright red sign reads; “Bathrooms”.
“Yes, this is it”, I thought to myself.
I was in final warning mode now, which meant I needed to get to the shitter, and fast.
The Bathroom in all of its’ glory
Photo; The Secret Shitter
                The men’s room is the last door straight ahead after you go past a small hallway which houses the employee break room, and a managers’ office. Don’t be fooled! The ladies room is down this hall, but the men’s room is not. You must keep on trucking keeping the ball house to your right, and enter in the final door on your left.
                I was relieved to find that the bathroom was completely unoccupied. If it hadn’t been I would really feel bad for the poor blokes that were in there with me. Now looking around I went straight for the handicap stall. There were only two stalls in this bathroom completely, so I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I latched the door shut and I put my trusty Chrome Backpack up on the coat hanger for safe keeping. Now even though this bathroom looks as though it was modeled after the old Bradley’s bathroom, this coat hanger was sturdy as ever.
                I sat down on a lower-than-normal toilet admiring the waded up toilet paper that had been sitting in the corner since Lord-knows-when. Upon further investigation it didn’t seem to have any brown markings on it typical of the white trash that roams the sales Serengeti. There was a plunger nestled into the corner as well. I was glad I spotted it in case the poop demons decided that they did not want to cross over.
a throne
Photo; The Secret Shitter
                Sitting on this throne, I knew that my shit would be swift and boisterous. As I buckled down, I took some time to admire my surroundings. There was a very saddening dark grey, grey, and white color scheme which permeated around me. This place reminds me of a hospital shitter, except less sanitary. All the while I was sitting there I did notice something, that this bathroom was completely quiet. The only things I could hear, other than my own thoughts, were the sounds of distressed cashiers calling for supervisors to give them change over the public address system. Throughout the course of my swift bowel actions, only one person came in. They took a quick piss, and (without washing their hands) left post haste.
                While I was taking this all in, I turned to the large roll of toilet paper nuzzled into the bar which was to my right. I did my patented squeeze test, and immediately felt even worse. This toilet paper felt think and brittle, that stood no chance against the guardians of my nether-garden. On this day however, I would find redemption in the form of the still filled toilet paper roll sitting neatly in its’ container. I did the squeeze test again and was overcome with elation! This was good average quality padded two ply paper! Ah yes, it was like nectar to my sweet anus’ ears. I briskly wiped and flushed down the brown using my foot on the manual flusher.
Old Glory Herself
Photo; The Secret Shitter
                I grabbed my bag and I headed for the wash station. Directly opposite the baby changing station one can find the analog sink and soap dispenser. After using the sink I turned to the paper towels to dry my hands with. After doing that task I noticed on the wall next to the baby changing station was the air dryer. This was an old decrepit model which was unfit to dry my meaty paws. I tapped on the button for shits and giggles to see if the old dog still had life left in it. Confirming my suspicions it let off this sort of old howl, like an air conditioner that is about to die. Yes it worked, but for how long is anyone’s guess.
                I finished my poop by browsing some of the isles, but I had no intention to actually purchase something. I only did so to not raise suspicions about my dastardly booty objectives.
                So now that you have heard from me, I guess it is that time of the post where we break down the bathroom, blow for blow. Remember The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Reviewis out of a possible five (5) stars. Let us begin.

Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 3
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 1
Cleanliness: 2.5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 2.5
                Here as you can see the Kmart of Assembly Row got a measly 2.5score. If you and the fam are out and about bargain hunting here, this is a perfectly acceptable shitter. You are not going to catch any butt-bugs, although I did notice a cleaning log on the door that was left completely blank. I am going to say that they keep those logs in the back room. If you are going on a lavatory sight-seeing trip this bathroom is nothing special to write home about. The décor is a bore. It is bland and it is tacky. This bathroom looks completely old, even though that particular Kmart hasn’t been there for very long, or maybe it has, I am really not an authority on Assembly Row, just a patron. I wouldn’t hesitate to use this bathroom if I was in there, but I would much rather hold it for greener pastures, like the Assembly Row Parking Garage. Well there you have it folks, an ordinary shitter, which is nothing to write home about. It serves its’ job, and sometimes when you get that collect call from Mother Nature, that is all you truly need. Happy Shitting folks!
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