Portland Maine: Casco Bay Ferry Terminal

I had lunch with an old friend of mine while I was in Portland, I IMG_20160323_153417_981was able to hang out and catch up with an old friend, and eat his amazing food! I won’t bore you with our catching up details, but I will say that the Reuben I had was absolutely amazing! I was also introduced to a non-alcoholic beer made by Guinness called Kaliber. It was a blonde beer, and it totally hit the spot and paired very well with my Reuben Sandwich. However, that isn’t the point of me writing this. While I was catching up with my friend, he gave me a little tip, and told me to go to the ferry terminal next door and take a crap in there.  He said I wouldn’t be disappointed. So without further delay, I present you the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal.

The Casco Bay Ferry Terminal has ferry’s which run from IMG_20160323_153417_913Portland Maine to Peaks Island. Peaks Island is the most populated island in the Casco Bay. It is technically apart of the city of Portland, and is only 3 miles from downtown Portland. The ferry runs 16 times a day, and it only costs $7.70 one-way, which make this an awesome side-quest during your trip to Portland.

When my friend told me about the Ferry Terminal shitter being good, I, had some reservations. Maybe living so close to Boston has made me jaded. When I think of a ferry terminal I think something that has the potential to be awful, because this is completely open to the public. I can’t tell you how many times that I have seen some foul shit in completely open-to-the-public bathrooms. But when I walked in here it was actually kind of clean for a ferry terminal! The terminal itself is super small so the bathrooms are clearly visible to everyone in the terminal.

There were three stalls that you could choose from in here. IMG_20160323_153417_884When I walked into my stall I was surprised by how roomy it was. It had a coat hook in there to hang my little bag in, which was nice because I like to bring gifts back for people when I go away. The great thing about this shitter was the toilet seat. It was one of those ergonomic ones, and I will say that they do take the strain off of your back while shittiing. It was something that I wasn’t expecting, and my friend was right.

I won’t say that I disliked the decor in here, I just found it kind IMG_20160323_153417_899of puzzling to be honest. As I stated before the decor was strange, the walls were untreated concrete, and the stall dividers were grey. The flooring was grey and a very light blue. You can look at the pictures and you can make that determination for yourself. Personally I didn’t like it, but maybe it is a Maine thing, who knows.

Another note about this bathroom is how busy it is. This ferry services piques island. Apparently it is very pretty over there, I didn’t get to make it over there this time, but I most likely will the next time I am in Portland. I will say that there were a lot of people coming and going, so much so, that I feared for my journalistic life. I thought for sure that I would be caught.

Just when you think this is getting all wrapped up, we have to save room for some tp talk. See the toilet paper in here was just IMG_20160323_153417_926awful. It was two ply, but it is like they stitched together two pieces of sandpaper to make one awful ultra-sandpaper. This tore up my asshole cuz. The toilet paper was even hard to prepare. It didn’t bunch up correctly, and it folded terribly. There really wasn’t anything I could do except try to use blunt force on my asshole. I had to use so much toilet paper to wipe up that it isn’t even worth trying to make light of the situation.

Well now that we know about the toilet and its’ surroundings, why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter Review? All of the ratings are based on five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 5
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

 

I am going to give this stall a solid three stars on our rating IMG_20160323_153417_940system. I did like the ergonomic toilet seat, and I also enjoyed the larger than usual stall. It wasn’t as dirty as I expected it to be either. The decor was odd, maybe one could call it a “headscratcher”.

However, it takes a lot for the decor to sink a rating. The decor is more of an expression and left to interpretations. If I find a bathroom visually appealing, then it helps, but it does take a lot for it to sink a rating.

What will sink a rating is the terrible toilet paper that makes this bathroom its’ natural habitat. There was nothing good or fun about it. My asshole just puckered up a little at the very thought of it. Not only will you have sub-par toilet paper, but you will also have to deal with a lot of people coming in and out of there. This isn’t a spot for you to sit and relax, this is a dump-and-ditch place. The reason why it gets so busy is because of how accessible it is.

So there you have it friends. I would highly recommend the Reuben sandwich from Ri Ra next door, and if you left the restaurant a little too early and need a place to lay a dookie to rest, then the Casco Bay Ferry Terminal is an OK place to poop. At least your back won’t be hurting as you listen to the pitter patter of people scampering in and out.

 

Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau

IMG_20160323_134230_33   Google Maps has thwarted me again! It took me all around the mulberry bush in Portland. Whenever I get to a new city I like to go and grab a physical map. After about an hour of wandering around trying to find the damn visitors center, I finally did find it. I welcome you to the Greater Portland Convention and Visitors Bureau.

This particular location of the Visitors Bureau was not the main one. It was a satellite location above some candy shop selling Salt Water Taffy on Commercial Street. It really was fucking hard to find. Then once you enter the building you came face to face with renovations, and the feeling like you shouldn’t be in there. But there is signs saying “Visitors Bureau 3rd Floor” inside, so technically I felt like I could wander around inside of the old brick building. I made my way to a third floor office, and lo-and-behold, here it is! I might have startled some of the office staff because they all seemed to not know where the walking maps were kept. I had three separate people try to find the things for me. They did however, find the maps and give me some helpful information about the city. From there, I went about my way.

On my way out I happened to be walking down the hallway that is shared between different companies inside of the building, and right to my left was a bathroom! I looked around, and no one was IMG_20160323_134230_48watching, so I just moseyed on inside and took a Trump.
The bathroom was gender-neutral, which was to be expected. It served multiple offices and businesses on the third floor. I walked in and I was met with this tiny, but charming bathroom. The walls were painted off-white, and the woodwork around the floor was painted black. The floor was a greenish-blue with rustic grout filler. It had one toilet, and had all the amenities of home. It had a little toilet paper caddy, a plunger, and a toilet scrubber.

This bathroom was quiet enough to take a seven minuet crap in without being disturbed. Even though the bathroom was shared between offices nobody knocked on the door. I was left to my devices in here without being seen or noticed. It was a true delight to crap in.

IMG_20160323_134230_62It was meticulously taken care of. It was very clean, and there really wasn’t anything out of place here. I was expecting the bathroom to be fairly clean, but this even surpassed my expectations. Had anyone ever used this bathroom before!? It felt great taking a shit in such a virgin atmosphere. In fact, I took longer than expected to finish my shit because I felt so at ease. I felt like I had all of the comforts of home while I was so far away from it.

I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper now upon cleaning my rectum. There was an industrial sized toilet paper roll to the right of the toilet, but there was no toilet paper in here. The toilet paper you are looking for is sitting on the top of the toilet tank. It really wasn’t very good. It was a cheap one ply toilet paper. Maybe this is the way that both offices joke with each other. I am sure that the bathroom is a shared responsibility. There is most likely a toilet paper war going on between offices, because I can’t imagine anyone willingly buying this stuff for the fun of it.

Everything was manual in this bathroom. For some reason there was also an older model air dryer in here. I opted to use the paper towels which were sitting inside of a basket. After cleaning myself up, I slipped out of the side door like a looking around to make sure I hadn’t been spotted, and I went along on my journey. IMG_20160323_134230_89
So now that you know about this secret poo spot, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Review. These are all based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 5
Accessibility 1
Busyness 1
Décor 4
Cleanliness 5
Toilet Paper Quality 3
Total 5

I am going to give The Greater Portland Convention and Visitor’s Bureau a Solid Five Stars! Normally when a place has one ply toilet paper it immediately takes them out of the running for a Five Star Rating. So you are probably wondering why this toilet made it to the IMG_20160323_134230_102top? Well to be honest this is probably the most secretive of shitters I have shat in to date. I totally wasn’t supposed to be in the building at all, the actual visitor’s center is located a little way down the street. After getting directions there I still couldn’t find it. I did, however, find what I was looking for in the form of a walking map to Portland that didn’t look like a child drew it. I had picked up a map at the Greyhound Station on Congress Street, and it looked like a child and drew it in crayon. The staff there was very friendly, and very helpful in the information they gave me. The bathroom felt like I was at home, and I was left to shit undisturbed. The décor in the bathroom didn’t look all that great, but it felt very “homey” if you IMG_20160323_134230_116know what I am trying to get at. Combine that with the fact that the inside ground-level floor looks like you shouldn’t be in there, and you have a great built-in deterrent. This is truly a great place to take a private shit in the busy downtown section of Portland.

Like what you see? Why not tell your friends about us! I am working diligently to pump out The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, and I still have a few more places to visit. So you get to benefit from all of that each and every week. Keep sending me to your favorite public toilets by tweeting to us @Secret_Shitter and on Facebook. We also have a Tumblr if that is your thing too. I will be headed to Burlington Vermont soon, so if you know of great bathrooms there, let us know by tweets, facebooks, tumbls, and email.

Portland Maine: Hyatt Place

“This is a place where I want to shit,” I thought to myself IMG_20160323_174328_34walking to my location. I had no idea how long of a walk it was from the bus station to anywhere in downtown Portland. I don’t quite know what drew me to this building, but I kept this next location on the back burner making sure I pinched a loaf in here on my way out of town. This location was one of the first “signs” I reached civilization in Portland. So without any further bullshit, here is our next location from Portland, Maine: Hyatt Place.

As I said in the last paragraph this was one of the first signs I “made it” into town. It seemed out of the way, and it didn’t look too busy when I was walking by there around five o’clock at night. I walked into the hotel and talked with the balding front desk agent, inquiring where his restroom was. He said it was down the hall and to the left, which is where I headed. There was only a small sign when you went down the hallway indicating where the bathrooms were.

I walked in to see one single stall along the back wall. I IMG_20160323_174328_50thought to myself: “this seems perfect”, and I hustled my ass into the lone commode. Because this was the only stall, it doubled as a handicap bathroom as well. So this means the stall was spacious enough for you to stretch your legs out. There was a coat hook in two places for you to hang a jacket and a bag on. Overall it was a good start to my pooping experience.

The bathroom’s décor was all beige. Both floor tiles, and wall tiles were beige. The floor tiles looked more like beige bricks than the oversized tiles which adorned the walls. The floor tiles had a black boarder around them making the tile “pop” more than the walls. Overall it was a great usage of a single color. Even the stall dividers were colored a matte beige color. This color scheme lent itself to making the bathroom seem brighter and larger than it actually was.

This bathroom looked like no one had ever used it. That is how clean it was. No stock was short, and nothing was out of place here at Hyatt Place. This is exactly the type of condition I want to see when I shit. Perhaps this orderliness was a result of Portland’s off-peak season, or maybe I just happened to come in after the cleaning crew finished. Either way, it was very refreshing to see such a clean and tidy facility.

Another wonderful thing about this bathroom was how quietIMG_20160323_174328_67 it was. I was the only person in here for the duration of my power-duke. Not a single soul meandered into this facility. Leaving me to my devices while I left a little bit of me in Portland.

I was having a blast while taking a blast here at Hyatt Place. But I had to turn my attention to their toilet paper. I had such a pleasant experience in here I would hate for them to ruin it by giving me inadequate toilet paper. Guess what? They didn’t! This was primo toilet paper they stocked in here. It was a soft cushy two-ply with the little ridges. This toilet paper felt amazing on my asshole and the little “helper ridges” made my asshole clean as a whistle.

The automated clean-up process helped make everything a breeze. The toilets, sinks, and soap were all automatic. The “Xacto” air dryer left my hands dry as a bone in no time. The air dryer had enough pressure and heat to dry my hands accordingly. After all was said and done I tipped my cap to the balding front desk agent, and I moseyed on down to the Amtrak Station to catch my train home.

Now we need to turn our attention to how the Hyatt Place stacks up in our Secret Shitter Review. Everything is based on a five-star system.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 2
Cleanliness 5
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4

 

The Hyatt Place scored a 4 on the Secret Shitter’s Review. IMG_20160323_174328_87Everything in this bathroom was amazing. However, it fell short in just a couple of areas leaving it out of the top-tier category. A four is still nothing to scoff at in my book. This lavatory is very clean, and the single stall setup leaves you with extra room for your pooping pleasure. If someone else needed to take a shit, however, that could lead to a few problems. Personally, when I am feeling comfortable I tend to go a little slower at what I am doing, and pooping is no different. The only saving grace here is that nobody walked in. Which was very nice. I could see that they had a small café in the front desk area, so maybe the bathroom sees a little more traffic in the morning hours. I wasn’t a fan of the beige color in the bathroom, but it did work to make it seem larger and cleaner. Usually you don’t put in lighter colors if the place is a dump because every mess will be highlighted. That is also the reason you rarely see me wearing white shirts, I will always drop mustard or something on them staining them.

Overall, this is a great place to take a shit. I would poop here in a New York Minute without hesitation. So, if you are like me and underestimate the walk into Portland, keep this knowledge in your back pocket knowing that you aren’t that far from town, and you have a great place to take a shit.

 

Like what you read? Then tell people about it then. Go and share it on your social media choice. We have all sorts of profiles from Tumblr’s to Facebooks. Just help me get the word out. I am only one guy who works a day job, so I can only do so much. Also I am compiling all of these posts into The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. So I am thinking that book will be done hopefully by Thanksgiving. Well as always, thank you for reading, and I will see you Wednesday when we explore, Boston MA: The Long Wharf Marriott (Upstairs).

Massachusetts: Boston’s South Station Bus Terminal

In one of my previous reviews I visited the MBTA’s South South Station Bus Terminal Edited (1 of 1)Station, and I had to deal with the six gates of poo hell. This time I had a much more pleasant experience. In another review I talked about eating a Bacon Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel from McDonald’s as part of my pre-trip ritual. I had more time to kill before I left for my current out-of-state-trip, and the little bastard snuck up on me sooner than I would have liked. However, if it wasn’t for the little bagel sandwich, I wouldn’t have found our next spot: The South Station Bus Terminal.

The prospect of walking into a major city’s bus terminal to take a dump had me a little unnerved. Especially after going into the other bathroom in the same complex. Upon first stepping into the bus terminal’s bathroom I was actually impressed! The bathroom was open and large, and had very nice, bright colors, also this bathroom’s fixtures seemed to be both; working order and plentiful.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (3 of 8)       I was actually awestruck as to how clean this bathroom is. Maybe it is an anomaly because it was around nine o’clock in the morning. Even though it was past rush hour, it was still clean by our standards. There didn’t seem to be the familiar puddles of piss lying on the ground, and there were only a few small pieces of toilet paper strewn around by the receptacles.

There were plentiful stalls to choose from too. Actually there is five in total. I opted to go into the first stall that I could. Which was the furthest one to the right. Inside of the stall, there were coat hooks to hang your bags and your coat on. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable in here however; the stalls were a little too small for my liking. There was enough room for you to put your elbows out and move around, but it felt a little too restrictive.

The décor was actually nice by bus station standards. The South Station Bus Terminal Edited (4 of 8)walls were a muted grey-blue tile with a brown boarder running across the top of the walls. The floor had a speckled peach and brown squares forming an even larger squares around the entire floor. The actual speckled colors were; black, white, brown, and beige. I know it may sound awful, but it actually didn’t look all that bad.

What was really bad however, was the god-awful one-ply toilet paper they stock in this facility. I had a hard time bunching it up, and I had an equally hard time trying to fold it to wipe my ass with. It just felt cheap. After putting the toilet paper next to my arm (unused of course) I could actually see through it. This type of paper is not going to feel very well on anyone’s asshole. It was quite cheap and uncomfortable, leading the cleanup process of your poo-time into unfriendly territory.

South Station Bus Terminal Edited (5 of 8)                The real kicker for this bathroom is just how busy it is. I was able to snap some pictures of the bathroom with no one in them. Four of the five stalls were being used, and once I was in mine, the flood gates opened up. I could hear the sounds of the Dyson Airblades going off from people drying their hands. If you are a little timid when it comes to pooping in public, then I would say that a bus station hub is probably not the place to lay down your logs. I would opt for a more intimate setting than this one.

Now with that being said, the clean-up process was all automated. The flusher was automated, and so was the sinks, and soap dispensers. There were a total of four Dyson Airblades in this bathroom, two on each wall. There were also little tables across from the sinks so you can change your baby’s diapers too.

 

And just like that I was done with my business and ready to jet off to my next destpoonation. So why don’t we see how the South Station Bus Terminal faired in our Secret Shitter Review? Remember that these are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 5
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 1
Total 3.5

 

The South Station Bus Terminal scores a solid 3.5 on our South Station Bus Terminal Edited (6 of 8)Secret Shitter Review. For it being a highly trafficked bathroom it was very clean. It also had more than enough stalls to satisfy the amount of people coming through here. It also boasted four Dyson Airblades! That is the most Dyson’s we have seen to date! However, it was very busy when I was duking in there. It wasn’t just a few people either, I mean A LOT of people came into there. So just by that alone it is going to go down a few points. I did like the little urinal cubbies they had off to the side. I thought that was nice. I also really liked the décor, even though the floor design and color scheme seemed a bit tacky. I am surprised that this scored so high on the scale to be honest. I figured it would be a literal dumpster fire. Sometimes even a seasoned pro like myself gets surprised, which is why we investigate everywhere in these reviews. So if you happen to be in the area of South Station, this is actually a great place to go and take a dump. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be either. Most of the traffic gets syphoned through the train station anyways. So the bus station has a lot less people by comparison. Thus, the MBTA treats this like a station they should clean frequently. It seems like there is enough sanitation staff to go around here. Well at least at nine in the morning. So to conclude, you can totally shit here, and it totally only sucks just a tiny bit.

 

Like what you see? Well tell people about us! I just made a South Station Bus Terminal Edited (7 of 8)Tumblr. If anyone likes that? Just look for “SecretShitterOfficial” and that is us! Also I am considering making some “Secret Shitter’s Shitty Postcards” if you want some, answer the poll below. If there is enough demand, then I will do it. If you also didn’t notice, the website has undergone some changes, we just switched over to a new web host, and all of the pictures are kind of wonky. Well, only the “featured” ones anyhow. So I guess I am going to have to go back and fix 40 of them, plus work on pictures for the next 40 or so posts. So why did I tell you that last bit? I did that so I could say “thank you for your patience and understanding”. So with that said, I will see you again Friday for the Rhode Island: Providence Athaenum.

Portland, ME: Starbucks, Commercial Street

As you know by now, The Secret Shitter loves his IcedIMG_20160323_174011_990Americano. I grew fond of the brew from my time working at Starbucks back in ’06. I thought it was just like coffee but better! It was my first time ever trying espresso. Recently I got an espresso maker for my home, and it rekindled my love affair with the drink. Except now I can’t really drink regular coffee anymore because I feel like it has little to no effect on me. You’re probably asking yourself why I am even telling you this story? Well from my time working in Starbucks I can tell you that they let you use their bathroom. Sometimes you don’t need to purchase anything either, so long as you look like you actually contribute to society. With that being said, I would like to present to you part two of our Portland Maine trip: The Starbucks on Commercial Street.
The Starbucks sits by the water the water in Downtown Portland.. So I had been walking around the city almost all day, and had been up for even longer. I had IMG_20160323_174012_9left my house at eight in the morning, and it was just starting to strike seven o’clock P.M. here in Portland. I had to get my Iced Americano to keep me going on my long trip back home.

I walked into the café with no problem and asked the very nice barista, Michael if I could use the restroom. He said yes and gave me the secret code to get in. Now to find the bathroom he said it was around the corner, out the door and dead ahead of you. Apparently the café shares the bathroom with other offices in the building. I followed his direction and I found the lavatory with little effort on my end. If Michael didn’t tell me about it though, then I probably wouldn’t have found it. The door was guarded by a keypad lock. The secret code to enter is: 24680.

Once you enter the bathroom you will see a handicap stall IMG_20160323_174012_48
directly ahead of you. You will want to enter that to use it. Or don’t, but don’t tell other people that I am advocating for you to shit in the trash barrel. Now the stall is handicapped so it large and roomy. The toilet seat was one of the concave ones which made it extra comfortable and ergonomic on your anus. There was no coat hook on the door so you have to lay your bag and jacket on the ground.

IMG_20160323_174012_66    Seeing how this is a shared office bathroom it looks like it
sees its’ fair share of traffic. You could tell because there was TP ripped up into little bits around the toilet bowl. I don’t know if someone was popping zits or shaving in there, but I know that is the only time I cut up toilet paper to be that size. The other option could be that the previous person went hard as a motherfucker on their diamond plated asshole and was just shredding paper like haters. Either way, I don’t want to know why there was paper on the ground, I just know what I saw. Also with that said, you could tell a lot of people have been through here because the floor looked like it could use a mopping. I am not saying that it was filthy, but it needed to be done today.

I am noticing more and more that my pictures are not doing as much justice as they should. This bathroom was pretty grey. The stall dividers were grey. The floor was grey. The walls were so off-white they looked grey. None of it looked good too. Actually I am lying a little bit here. I liked the grey stall dividers. I think it is interesting enough of a color, but it needs to be paired with something, not grey. It is the only thing about this décor that stands out. The floor tiles look like someone took a paintbrush and just dotted some grey and white paint on them. Either way I am not too keen on this.

IMG_20160323_174012_84                The toilet paper itself was something else I wasn’t too keen on. It was so cheap. It was of two plies but it neither provided comfort, nor softness. It felt like I was grinding sandstone against my butt hole. I will say that after a solid day of shits, nothing is going to make your ass feel better, but this basically ripped my ass apart. I can tell too, because well, there is bleeding. I am also not wiping so hard to make myself bleed. I should just apply to be the Tucks Wipes CEO, because I have gained such intimate knowledge of their products.

Now that you know way more than you should about me, I think this is a great time to get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. All of these categories are based out of five stars. Let’s begin shall we?

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 3.5
Accessibility 1
Cleanliness 2.5
Décor 2
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 2.5

 

Our second bathroom is a mere 2.5 Stars. It would have been higher on the scale if the bathroom wasn’t so grey. Like I said above, I liked the grey dividers, but I just wasn’t feeling the cheap paintbrush floor tiles. They reminded me of the ones I had in elementary school. Either way they are outdated and cheap looking. I wouldn’t them in my business because I feel like it would give off the air of being cheap from the get go. This is most likely the reason for installing them in the first place, but I think there are better budget tiles then these.

IMG_20160323_174012_117 IMG_20160323_174012_101

Now the fact that there was a keypad lock on the door was amazing! It ensures not your average Joe can get in and use it. I don’t know if the Starbucks lets that many people go through, or there is just a bunch of people from the offices above using it, either way somebody needs to mop the floor. This bathroom is just the epitome of sub-par. They do have something to work with if they wanted to update the bathroom. However, for a place that makes you call a large coffee a “Venti”, you would think that they would have better fucking toilet paper.

You can’t make someone who works forty hours a week for you use cheap toilet paper. They are at your business, making you money, more than they are at home. The least you can do is give them the top of the line toilet paper. Along with demanding a fifteen-dollar minimum wage, you should also be demanding your employer buy $1.29 toilet paper. You can get the extra strong, extra soft Charmin toilet paper at Stop and Shop for a dollar each. See you can be budget conscience and have great toilet paper, you just got to search around. Don’t let the bullies from Sysco strong-arm you into buying their awful TP. Fight the power! With all of that said, I think this bathroom is probably more worthy of Three Stars Then Two. Since it needed to be mopped I am busting it down a point. This bathroom is a lot better though then some of your alternatives.

starbucks commercial street header

 

Like what you read? Then tell the world! Share the posts with your family and friends. Buy our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Also word has it we are writing two more books as well! The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2, and The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England which will feature bathrooms all across this great region of ours!

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Providence, Rhode Island: Courtyard Mariott Providence Downtown

IMG_20160331_005556_937  I was walking along in Downtown Providence past the river, and I was just sort of lost. I had every intention of conquering this city’s poopers one stall at a time but now that I am a fish out of water, and it was time for me to hunker down! As I was walking towards the financial district, trying to find the H.P. Lovecraft house, I happen to notice a sign which read, “Marriott Hotel” on the side of this brick building. There wasn’t an entrance in this place, just the sign. So my curiosity got the best of me and as I rounded the corner up a small hill I spotted our next location, The Courtyard Marriott Providence Downtown.

There were two bus’ parked on the hill leading to the front door. When I got closer to the door I noticed there were NCAA stickers plastered on every inch of the window. Apparently a portion of the Final Four tournament was being held in Providence. This hotel wanted you to know that if you were here for the NCAA then you are welcome! I walked in to the see some young college kids on the right giving out pamphlets of “things to do in Providence”. I wanted none of that. I walked right past the reception desk and turned to the hallway on my right and headed that way. Along the middle of the hallway there is a smaller one where the bathrooms are located.

When you walk into the bathroom you will notice one lone solitary stall directly IMG_20160331_005556_967
ahead of you, and a urinal on your right. I had no problems finding the joint, and I was afraid it would be busy as a bee, but it wasn’t. See everyone was trying to find their rooms or trying to find the bar, me on the other hand, I was in it for the shitter! That stall was a handicap one and it was quite large and roomy. There wasn’t a coat hook on the door, but the stall was so large and clean I could put my bag down on the floor without worrying.

I sat down to take my shit, and again I was expecting at least a couple of people to use the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting it to be so dead. The other nice thing about this bathroom was the music which was playing softly in the background. It was nice to know I could let my butt trumpet wail and there was at least a modest attempt to cover up the awful noises with some classic soft rock.

 

                Now sitting here, I had quite a bit of time to soak up the sights the bathroom had
to offer. There was a weird abstract painting of what appeared to be tie designs hanging on the wall. But it was a nice contrast to the bright red walls with beige pattern running IMG_20160331_005556_952along the wallpaper. Now the Marriott Hotel’s seem to have this odd sort of connecting rectangle pattern that you can’t really see upon first glance. I wish I took a closer picture of the design to show you what I meant because looking at my pictures it seems like the walls were just red. Go through some of my previous reviews to find The Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive in Cambridge Massachusetts to see the design pattern up close and personal. The only thing that differs from the Cambridge Marriott’s Bathroom to this one is the Cambridge Marriott’s color scheme was peach and black, this one was red and beige. The walls in the stall were lined with this light-brown stone-looking tiles which were totally cheap and not the real deal. You can tell by knocking on them. These seemed to be the ones that you install when you are short on money. Now the floors were the same color tone as the tiles lining the walls only they were a shade or two lighter.

                To illustrate my point about the cheapness of the whole façade we have to look no
further than the toilet paper the hotel provided. It was in one of those oversized toilet paper holders. If you don’t know anything else about toilet paper quality know this; an IMG_20160331_005556_996oversized roll means that the quality is compromised over quantity. See companies will put oversize toilet paper in here because they don’t have to change it as often. The number one thing to look for in a good toilet paper is the size of the roll. This toilet paper was not top notch by any stretch, but it did the job. It felt cheap against my cheeks and it took more than usual to clean myself to the point where I felt comfortable leaving.

The toilet flusher was a manual flush. The soap was also manual, along with the sink. The only good thing about the clean-up process was the fact that they offered paper towels to use for hand drying. Although the paper towels were thin and small which made me use a more paper towels to dry my hands then I normally would.

So now that we know all that there is to know, let us begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these ratings are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 1
Stall Comfort 4
Accessibility 3
Cleanliness 4
Décor 3
Busyness 1
Toilet Paper Quality 2
Total 3

IMG_20160331_005557_10

 

We’re giving the Marriott Courtyard Providence Downtown a solid 3 Star rating. Some of the pros include; it is hard to find, it is not busy, and it was pretty clean. The cons on the other hand would be; the toilet paper quality. Yeah this place looked really nice, and was pretty hard to find, and they had some soft rock playing in the background. It all adds up to a better than average experience, but the carelessness of the toilet paper quality really sets this place back a few points. Now if they replaced the toilet paper brand with a better quality one, then this would easily be a 4 Star Shitter. However, this TP will rip your ass apart, and it will do so slowly, and painfully. I enjoyed both the décor, and the abstract tie painting. I was also fond of the bold colors of the bathroom. I thought it looked distinguished enough to be on the higher end of the shitter’s I’ve visited, but ultimately it comes up short. Trying to find the front door is also a bit of a challenge. This place is really hidden, and you really have to go on a trek to find it. I just wish that the end result would be better worth your time. On the other hand, if you were walking along in Downtown Providence, this place is totally good enough for you to take a shit, providing that you didn’t walk past the building. With all that in mind the housekeepers do a really good job of cleaning the place, so the bathroom has that going for it as well. On the other hand, you are given some demon-like toilet paper to wipe your ass with. So with that in mind, keep the Courtyard Marriott Downtown Providence on your pooping to-do list.

Like what you are reading? Did you know we are going to be coming out with two new books? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, along with The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Those will be available hopefully by the end of the summer/early fall. Please remember to share the page and posts you like, and I will see all of you on Monday for our next review: Portland Maine: Starbucks on Commercial Street.

Boston Harbor Hotel

IMG_20160316_105021_329    I have had some people suggest this next bathroom for close to a year. I tried to get into it the other week only to be turned away by the front desk staff. They might have won the battle that day, but I have won the war! For I went back to the same place a week later, and this time I got directions to the bathroom by the very same front desk staff that turned me away. I will say, this bathroom was totally worth the wait, and I could see why I was being hounded to go and review it. Our next bathroom is at The Boston Harbor Hotel.

Like I said above, I was told to keep going to the Boston Harbor Hotel. The reader, Rick kept telling me the bathroom was amazing. He also told me that the adjacent map room was very interesting as well. I will say he was right about everything in this place. If you have never been in The Boston Harbor Hotel, there is a very elegant map room just off of the main lobby. These maps date back to the 1700’s and are really interesting to look at. I love looking at old maps of New England. I like seeing the incremental changes that were made from when the settlers first got here. It is amazing how far the region has come considering its’ humble beginnings.

Maps are cool and all, especially old ones, but you are not reading this to inform IMG_20160316_105021_221yourself about maps. No you are reading this because you want to see the Shitters! So let me start by saying this place is kind of a maze to get around. There are about three or four different doors you can go into when you go to the Boston Harbor Hotel. So you have to pick the right one, or else you might end up in a restaurant, or you might end up in the office portion of the building. I am going to show you the door that you have to go into and make this whole thing a lot easier for you.

Do you remember the Rows Wharf Ferry Terminal Bathroom Review? Ok so you know how I said it was adjacent to an entrance into the Boston Harbor Hotel? Well instead of going into the Ferry terminal bathroom, head forward into the hotel doors and you will be pretty close to the Boston Harbor Hotel’s Bathroom. Once you enter the door, you will turn left like you are going into the bar. There will be a small set of stairs on the right hand side. There will be a black and red rug which lead up to a small hallway. That is there the restroom is located.

IMG_20160316_105021_237      The only thing I can say about this bathroom is, wow! This is fucking lavish if I have ever seen lavish before. I feel like I am taking a dump in Bill Gate’s bathroom. There are three stalls in this restroom. Each stall has a full length door. The doors are equipped with sturdy secure coat hooks. The doors are white. Usually when hotels have full length doors, they are shutter-style, not solid body. This is totally a game changer for me.

Now one of the complaints that I have about the stall is that it’s a little too cramped. Now the length of the stall is ok, it is the width that is the issue here. I guess it would around six inches to a foot wider than the door itself. Also the lighting in there is average, but it could be better. I guess they are sacrificing stall comfort for the advantage of having a full length solid door.

Now when I was in there, if I remember correctly it was around 9am. There were two people who walked in there, and they just took a pee and that was in. For them it was a quick operation, in and out. With me, I wanted to sit down and savor this a little. I did have time to kill before I needed to catch the train at South Station anyways, so this was the perfect spot to do it.

As I sat there, I got to soak in the décor a little more. I haven’t really gone into IMG_20160316_105021_251great detail as of yet, but this place was amazing. The walls in the stall were this deep blue-green-grey color, it was really fucking nice. It gave it an “air of elegance” to the pooping atmosphere. The floors were aligned with this marble tile. The color pattern was a light grey with black swirls in it. They had the same style tiles lining the walls by the urinals too except they were a shade or two darker. The pictures don’t really depict that too well. As far as the décor goes, here is the icing on top, when you first enter the bathroom, there is a very nice mirror and a fucking accent table that greets you! When you put an accent table in a bathroom, you know that is a good shitter!

Ok so now that my time here is coming to an end, we have to focus on the clean-up portion of the post. The toilet paper was of the two ply variety, and was soft. I don’t quite remember if it had the little ridges in it, but it did a pretty good job of cleaning up my bum with no harmful side effects. The toilet, sink, and soap were all automatic, as to be expected. I think there will come a time in my life that when I encounter a manual flush toilet, it will be viewed as a relic of the past. I have gone a little off topic here, so let me end this paragraph by saying that this place offered paper towels as their only source of drying.

Well now that my posts are becoming self-aware, this is a better time than ever to turn our attention to our Secret Shitter review. Now remember each of these rating is out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls 3
Stall Comfort 3
Accessibility 2
Busyness 1
Cleanliness 5
Décor 5
Toilet Paper Quality 4
Total 4.5

 

 

There you have it folks, a Solid Four-Star Shitter! Now you are probably asking IMG_20160316_105021_282yourself, why isn’t this a Five-Star stall? Surely it more than meets all of the requirements? Well you’re not exactly wrong, let me explain myself, and the reasoning behind it. Honestly what sets this bathroom back from achieving a perfect rating is the stall comfort. This stall is honestly too small and cramped for me to put this in the Five-Star category. Yeah I know the décor is amazing, I know you can’t really find it, and it is clean as a whistle. But the toilet paper wasn’t above and beyond, and the stall felt cramped. Now if the stall was maybe a foot or so wider, then yes this would totally be a Five-Star Shitter. But because of those issues I just said, it isn’t. Now don’t let that get you down. You can see that this bathroom is well above and beyond your average bathroom it is just lacking those key things. Now I can overlook toilet paper quality, but I can’t overlook the stall comfort factor. I would be doing you a disservice if I told you everything was top notch, because it isn’t. Now if I was walking along the Boston Harbor walk and I needed to shit, would I use this bathroom? Of course I would! It would be naive of me to say that this bathroom is average. This bathroom is almost right up there with the best of them. So if you’re in that area, go into the Boston Harbor Hotel, look at the cool maps, have a drink in that bar, and go have a great shitting experience!

Well now that I got all of that out of the way, I wanted to tell you to look out this Monday for our posts from Portland, Maine, and Fridays from Providence Rhode Island! If you couIMG_20160316_105021_315ld spread the word to friends and family that you have or may know in those states, we would really appreciate that! Now we are going to be doing some more work to the website (I know I know) but I just moved it over to its’ own server, and I am going to be having someone help me along with the design of it. I have some other cool tricks up my sleeve too that I will let you in on real soon. So see you on Friday, and buy our book so I can go more places and keep up with the website and pay people and stuff like that! The link is at the top of the page, and if you’re in Winthrop Massachusetts go to The Winthrop Book Depot and buy our book and get yourself a coffee.

 

Portland Maine: Greyhound Bus Station

IMG_20160323_121430_447    I set off last week for Portland Maine. I took the Greyhound bus up, and the Amtrak Downeaster train back at night. My day started leaving South Station in Boston at 9:45AM. The ride was supposed to be about two hours, which didn’t seem too bad I thought to myself. It actually went a lot smoother than that. There were really no issues going up there other than the bus driver speaking terrible English. I don’t say that to make fun of him or anything, if nothing else the guy is trying his best to speak a language which is clearly not his first. The only reason why I said that was after “Ports-mouth” New Hampshire, the next stop was supposed to be Wells, Maine than Portland. We pulled into Wells, without an issue, and the bus driver said, “Next stop Poland”. I sat there and started having a heart attack. I know Poland Springs is a water company from Maine, and I am not quite sure if there actually is a Poland, Maine. However, after I calmed myself down I realized that what he actually meant was “Portland, Maine”.

I seem to be creating a new tradition when I go on my excursions. I get off at Aquarium MBTA station, go to the Long Wharf Marriott and get in line at the Starbucks for my Iced Grande Americano. I then meander along Atlantic Avenue until I hit South Station, where I step into the McDonalds and get a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Breakfast sandwich, mosey on over to the bus station, then wait. I usually eat the sandwich on the bus and finish my coffee then as well. So you probably know where this is going.

The ride to Portland, Maine took less time than I expected. But being in a sitting IMG_20160323_121430_476position looking at my phone for the entire time meant that my stomach hadn’t enough time to actually do its’ thing. So as soon as I could stand up and stretch my legs, that South Station Bacon, Egg, and Cheese hit me like a sack of bricks. I had to take a shit, and fast.

Luckily for me I didn’t have too far to go when I got off in Portland. Right outside was the bus station, and thankfully they let me go in and drop a nasty duce. The bus station itself looks more like a mechanic’s garage than anything else. It had signs outside that I am going to paraphrase here, if you don’t have a ticket, Get the fuck away. Yeah I can imagine there being a homeless problem using bus stations, but to be honest, I had a ticket and I was going to go poo!

Finding the bathroom wasn’t really too much of a challenge. As I said before, this place was fairly small in comparison to South Station. There is a ticket counter, some vending machines, a rack of brochures, and a sign for the bathrooms. That is pretty much it. Now I know why Greyhound practically gives away bus tickets these days.

IMG_20160323_121430_490       This bathroom met every preconceived thoughts and judgements I had of the place. Upon first inspection, it looked just as broken down as the rest of the building. There were two stalls, one of them handicapped, and the other was of the normal variety. When I stepped into the handicap stall I placed my bag and jacket on the coat hook. Exactly in that order. When I turned my back to start inspecting the stall my bag fell off of the coat rack onto the ground. Great, that had my tablet and some water and other breakables in there. Thankfully nothing was broken, so I place my coat on the hook, only to have the same thing happen. My jacket fell onto the floor as well. This time I just decided to say “fuck it” and put my bag and jacket on the ground next to me.

The stall was on the smaller side of what you would expect a handicap stall to be. I have found in my travels they come in three sizes: Small, Medium, and Large. This was a smaller sized handicap stall. I would say you had enough room for a hiking pack, and you could turn around in it, but that was about it. I don’t know how you would fit an actual wheelchair in here, and manage to go to the bathroom as well.

After first initially sitting down the bathroom was bustling with people. Most of them were en route to Augusta, Maine and they were probably just going to the bathroom to walk around and stretch their legs. After about three minutes the bathroom became pretty dead. I would imagine that whenever there is a layover the bathroom’s occupancy level is at its’ peak. After a few minutes it tends to die down.

After the initial onslaught of people, I was free to sit back and take in the sights ofIMG_20160323_121430_504 my first Maine bathroom. Now Maine has a saying, “this is the way life should be” and to every degree it is true. I got a different feeling in the air when I first stepped out of the bus. The air was cleaner, and there just seemed to be a different atmosphere up here. The bathroom itself was an awful bright red and white. The walls were painted cinderblocks (or some other kind of masonry stone used to build buildings), either way it looked outdated and run down. Then again I am in a Greyhound Bus Station on the outskirts of Portland, so I am not expecting great things here.

The bus bathroom itself was cleaner than I would expect it to be. I was expecting it to be a total wreck, but it was actually fairly clean other than a few pieces of toilet paper on the ground. The toilets were clean and so were the sinks. There is a caveat though, the bathroom’s décor and building materials made the bathroom look dingier than it actually was. It just gave the essence of the bathroom being dirty.

I was finally almost done with my poop when I had to start considering the toilet paper options I had before me. There was this awful one ply toilet paper that was the kind that didn’t bunch up, nor did it fold correctly. It was just about what I expected. It hurt my asshole, and it took way more paper than an average quality toilet paper would to clean up my ass.

Everything in the bathroom was manual. The soap, the sink, and the toilet. There was only one option for drying your hand which was an ancient air dryer. The air dryer sounded like it was on its’ last legs. It didn’t really do anything to dry my hands. Its’ burst of air was pathetic at best. I had better luck rubbing my hands against my coat to dry them than I did using this.

Now that shit is done and in the books, why don’t we turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember, everything is based out of five stars.

Number of Stalls 2
Stall Comfort 2
Accessibility 4
Cleanliness 3
Décor 1
Busyness 4
Toilet Paper Quality 1
Total 2

 

I am just as shocked as you that this toilet didn’t become a 1 Star Shitter too. The IMG_20160323_121430_462only thing that this toilet had going for it was that you could find it. Overall the toilet paper quality, and the dingy décor is what sunk this bathroom’s ratings. I would have given it a point higher if the décor didn’t sabotage the cleanliness factor. Like I said in the review, it was pretty clean, but the décor made it seem dirtier than it actually was. When the only real thing you can hang your hat on is the fact that you can find the bathroom, you know you’re not going to score many points with me. The toilet paper was abysmal, and the coat hook was bent at such an angle that it didn’t actually hold any coats. The hook was almost solely responsible for almost breaking my tablet. Thankfully it didn’t. Now I know why Greyhound turned us down for a sponsorship. Their bathrooms and bus stops are in terrible conditions. I can’t say that business should be booming when it cost me a whole $10.75 to get up to Portland. I mean that is less than what the MBTA’s commuter rail charged me to go to Providence. The bus ride was fine, but since I waited to take a dump here, in hindsight I should have taken a shit on the bus on the way up. So I guess to end this first post from Portland, it can only go up from here.

 

Like what you are reading? Well tune in every Monday for more posts from Portland Maine, Wednesdays for Massachusetts, and Fridays for Providence Rhode Island. I am very busy writing and exploring new places for you so that you can be better informed when you visit these cities. We have one book available on Amazon, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Vol. 1 and I am writing the second, and third book in our series as we speak weekly. The Second book will be titled; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Vol. 2; Electric Poogaloo, and our third book will be; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England Vol. 1. All I am saying to you the reader is if you like what you read, buy the book, and share the posts with other like-minded people. It is literally the only thing you have to do. I made a little money off of the first book which I took and put aside and was able to pay for travel to Portland Maine, and Providence Rhode Island. Know that you are supporting me directly to go and expand this blog further. Thank you very much for reading and we will see you Wednesday when we explore, The Boston Harbor Hotel in Boston Massachusetts.IMG_20160323_121430_447

Providence Rhode Island: Brown University

IMG_20160316_164142_996        When you first exit the train station in Providence, the city unfolds in front of you. You are greeted with shopping malls, hotels, financial buildings, and a beautiful river. Providence is home to some world-class colleges too, such as Johnson & Wales University which is THE most recognizable name in culinary schools, RISD which is one of the better art schools in New England, then we come to another school, Brown University. How in the hell could I come to Providence and NOT go to Brown University? Well ladies and gentlemen we are going to kick off our trip to Rhode Island right, next stop, Brown University!

I got one of those little walking maps to Providence, and it had Brown University on there as a stop on their self-guided walking tour. There was also a little bathroom icon next to the University, which means there was a public restroom located inside of the place. It was number one on the GoProvidence.com’s walking tour, it was also the area furthest away, so I headed up College Hill, and I made my way home.

Now the map would lead you to believe that there is only one solitary public bathroom. However, this is not the case. The map told me that the bathroom would be accessible from Waterman Street, which technically it was. I had been holding in an Egg McMuffin all the way from South Station preparing my anus for its’ destiny. College Hill is large, and the entrance to the University was about a quarter mile down the street. I didn’t see the main opening from Waterman Street, and I got completely fucking lost.

My first bathroom trip I fucked up big time. There was an archway where you walk through that brings you to the green. They said that the bathroom would be right there, except it isn’t. There was a giant map that showed all of the classroom buildings, and all of the residence halls, but there was nothing written on the wall that said “bathroom”. No icon, no writing, no nothing. I could not take listening to my inner brown try to claw its’ way out, I had to do what I had to do, I went into the building which was opposite of the map, and I had to find the shitter, and fast!

I believe it was the admissions building, and there was a bathroom sign immediately as I walked it. “Score”, I thought to myself. This is going to be an easy one. Plus, it is a nice feather in the cap to say that The Secret Shitter laid down some brown at Brown. There are two sets of stairs, one leads up to a guy sitting in a reception desk, the other leads downstairs to some sitting areas and computers. That is where you will need to go.

When you walk down the stairs you will find an old looking door on your left. It IMG_20160316_164142_980will say “Men’s Room” on it, and you know you have found the right place. Well, unless you are a lady. So at first walking in, it was a sight to be seen. There were four stalls lined up against the right side wall. The handicap one was occupied, which means I would need to go and use one of the other ones. I had to make haste because even though I am not old, I totally do not look like I belong in a college. The only Brown Police I was trying to alert, were the ones patrolling my ass.

Now I do have to say that this is going to be the post with the least amount of pictures. This is due in part to some of what I have outlined above, and the other being that this bathroom was busy as fucking hell. I walked in and there were three dudes using the urinals, and another two washing their hands, and there was a lone guy in the handicap stall playing “Old Brown” on his own ass-saxophone.

Me on the other hand I had a Bruno Brown Bear of my own coming out of hibernation looking to hydrate himself in the pristine lakes of Underground Brown. I heaved and I grunted with such passion, that I am pretty sure I was scaring some of the kids. I even had one knock at the door from a concerned student asking me “if everything was alright dude”? Everything was not alright, I had an hour old South Station Egg McMuffin trying to nuzzle its’ way out of my asshole. This is just adding to the insurmountable pressure I was already feeling being in a place that I knew I shouldn’t have been in. I am in a college, without identifying myself, going into a student only bathroom. I am also trying to review it for a crapping website, making this one of the tensest reviews to date. I know I am not breaking the law, well, maybe trespassing? But I am not doing anything hazardous to anyone except paying homage to the very facility I was in.

I do have to say though with how busy this bathroom is; it’s truly amazing how clean the place was. There were two rolls of fresh TP in their holder, and there was no graffiti anywhere. The only wall writings were printed out by the tutoring department looking to see if you needed help with classes. They put them on the inside of the stall. Yeah you read that right. They put advertisement for tutoring classes on the inside wall of the stall I was in. I know I think entirely too much when I take a shit, but I have never contemplated if my studies are falling behind. How awkward of a conversation is that going to be? “Hey I um, like, saw your advertising for tutoring while I was shitting and I wanted to know if you can help me with my Organic Chemistry 101 class?”

IMG_20160316_164142_919           With the tutor ads up in my grill, I had more of a chance to take in the sights around me. This bathroom was old. And I am not just saying that because Brown University is well over two-hundred years old. The bathroom was outdated as hell. They had those old-school little tiles I remember being in the CCD school back home. I am almost certain no one uses tiles of those sizes anymore. Well the walls were white, and the floor was red. Both of them were those little tiles. It looked fucking hideous.

Now that I was getting ready to finish up I had to take my attention to the toilet paper. This was government-grade two ply right here. This toilet paper ripped my asshole to shreds. It was also the kind that didn’t bunch up too well, or fold up well. It was just abysmal. Nothing was good about it. There just isn’t anything more to say about it.

I did like that the flusher gave me the option of being environmentally conscience. It was one of those flushers that you pull them up for a piss, and pull ‘em down for a Brown. They regulate water flow so it doesn’t use as much water if you pee. Again I don’t know why there aren’t more of them around, but I am starting to see them more and more in my shitty travels. The flusher is manual, and so are the sinks and soap. There were paper towels, so that was a plus.

Well now that I am done being “Ever True to Brown” it is time for me to come to the actual data. The meat and potatoes of our writings, The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now everything is out of a possible five stars, Let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 4

Stall Comfort: 2IMG_20160316_164142_965

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 2

 

Well there you have it a measly 2 Stars to start off our trip to Providence. I had such high hopes for Brown University, I mean the college is named after shit. I would have thought that they would take their pooping as serious as their academics. But no, how sadly wrong I was. Let me count the ways at how awful this bathroom is. First you can hardly find it. If you just walked into the building and declared yourself to the kid at the desk, I doubt you would be granted entry. If you do manage that, you will be greeted with a hostile shitting environment. It isn’t a place you go to get away, you go here and you make your own Brown University, and then you leave. There is no admiring anything in here, nor should you. This bathroom sucks to be honest. Plus, as I was leaving the Brown grounds I overhead a kid saying very loudly, “this _________ is fucking forty years old and he is going to school here”? Use your imagination to fill in the blank. So not only are the students here assholes, but the college’s bathrooms suck too. Number one shithead, I am not “forty years old”. Number two, I was taking a dump in your school so I could write about it in my book. Number three, I have a book out and another one in the works. What have you dIMG_20160316_164142_965one with your life other than write useless research papers? Come find me when you’ve accomplished something in life. Until then, kindly Go Fuck Yourself. And with that said, I think it is rather ironic that last statement conveys my exact feeling towards Brown University, please kindly go fuck yourself.

 

 

I am traveling around New England with my next edition of The Secret Shitter Guidebook series. Buy our first guidebook, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston vol. 1 to go and help support us. Or you can click the Donate button at the top of the screen. Just know that each donation and book sale helps me keep up with the website, and helps me go to other places.

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